Divorcing a Narcissist: The Ups and Downs of this Battle

Divorcing a Narcissist: The Ups and Downs of this Battle

The ups and downs of this battle get very, very old.

The ups::

  • This morning I discovered that while my ex parte (emergency hearing) was denied, the Commissioner did schedule a date on the calendar for October 24, 2012 to hear the issues at hand.  I take back the “failing grade” that I gave the Family Court System yesterday and will have faith that justice and the truth will prevail next month.  Seeking more prayers, positive thoughts and pixie dust.
  • I woke up to the kindest and most supportive messages on my personal Facebook page and my One Mom’s Battle Facebook page.  I can’t say it enough- I appreciate every kind word, virtual hug, prayer, positive thought and the love that I feel.

The downs: Yesterday I called the courthouse throughout the day to check on the status of my ex parte and finally received word at 3pm that the verdict was ready.  I made a mad dash down to the courthouse only to be told that the paperwork was still in the Commissioner’s hands.  The clerk then said, “I do know that it was denied” to which I replied, “Everything?  The hearing?  Everything was denied?” and she said, “Yes“.

I spent 12 hours feeling like I had been failed by the system in every possible way.  I was devastated and very angry.  I woke up feeling the same way.  I questioned what I could have done differently? I had my pity party.  I felt like I had let the girls down.

I left the house this morning and went down to the post office to gather my mail.  I received the paperwork submitted by my x.  I don’t know why I am still shocked by what he says and today was no exception.  One of the first lines that I read was in response to my daughter’s regression in potty training.  His statement read: “It is heart-breaking to see that (daughter) is now having nightmares while in (Tina’s fiance’s) home.  Apparently they wet themselves when they are with (Tina) and (her fiance).  Perhaps (daughter) is uncomfortable in the presence of another father figure that she does not know living in the house?”

Another father figure that she does not know?  My fiance first met the girls in November of 2009 and has played been a huge part of our lives ever since.  He has shown them love, stability and respect.  He has been at school open houses, he has watched plays and dance recitals, he stays up late building their toys on Christmas Eve and he has sat in hospital rooms on multiple occasions when my daughter had seizures.  My x hasn’t bothered to come to the hospital once since our initial separation despite knowing about each incident as it was happening.  For the past three years, my fiance has stayed by our side and has never wavered.  My daughters know this man and love this man.  I am thankful that he is in my life- and theirs.

He then went onto include declarations from his parents and his Aunt who he states is a CASE child advocate yet she is the same woman who instructed him to hide alcohol knowing his addiction issues.  His parents wrote glowing reviews of their son and took it a step further by telling blatant lies.  I am at a loss for how the court can possibly consider the testimony from these people who are obviously going to write positive things about their son.  Does this open it up for me to have my family recall disturbing events that they have witnessed within the family in an effort to discredit them?  Do I have each of my family members describe my parenting and their viewpoints of my divorce and the x?

A quote from his declaration, “Supervised visitation is not a service for men holding down challenging careers as Mr. x has.”  Yes.  He said that.

He went onto say that the IRS guidelines at .54 cents per mile should yield a reduction in his child support due to the distance he drives for visits.  Pages and pages of ramblings and lies.  I’m going to take a few days to breathe before I respond.  I am having an attorney review the paperwork tonight and would love your thoughts and opinions- how can a court possibly take his parent’s testimony into consideration?

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12 Responses

  1. Hi Tina,
    First, I have to commend your fiance for unconditional love and support for you and your daughters under such trying circumstances, what a blessing to have what you all should have-happy, healthy, normal(mostly):) Your Nx does not want that for you, your children, even himself or he would have gotten the help he knows he needs. My Nx’s every move thus far has been calculated and he has someone(like your Xs aunt) who knows exactly what angle to approach and lie about each issue to result in his favor, while I have no idea which way is up sometimes, so be mindful, his family will stop at nothing to win because in their depraved minds, they can deny that their son is a complete and utter failure and a highly disturbed individual and believe that that is o.k(?). Any normal parent wouldn’t put their child on a sinking ship and watch them drown in their own alcohol, but ignorance is bliss, I guess. I apologize if my description of them sounds harsh, but I do not know how to describe a Narcissistic Sociopath and their supporters by using kinder gentler terms? Maybe someone else has suggestions on how to do that.
    You are doing so good Tina, don’t get frazzled. I know it is daunting and those “I mean business boots” may not be able to collect dust for a long, long time, but I am praying for you all and trusting you all to God’s sovereign care.

  2. Tina…I have 4 kids…my 21 & yr old with NX #1 and my younger 2 my 12 & 11 yr old autistic children with the sperm donor…aka…NX…
    I have lived, breathed, fought the same battles you have…but without an attorney…I’ve been battling the NX since July 2005, and yes I have lost some battles but I have also won many, many more than I’ve lost(all the wile acting as my own lawyer)…my last loss ws in September of 2010…for 5 yrs he only had supervised visits every other Saturday from !pm to $pm…but this time the judge must have been high, fallen in theshower and cracked his head, or just didn’t give a shit about my kids because he gave my NX UNsupervised, overnight weekend visitations… but less than the standard visitation schedule that most states use… how have I done all this, with no money for fees, court costs, lawyers??? Read On:

    You wrote
    “Does this open it up for me to have my family recall disturbing events that they have witnessed within the family in an effort to discredit them? Do I have each of my family members describe my parenting and their viewpoints of my divorce and the x?”

    The answer???
    YES YES YES YES!!…I did….and those declarations, sworn affidavits, from my family members, the children’s psychologists, many specialists, ex-friends of his, and the 5 ex-fiances he has had since 2006 & moved them into his house within 1-3 months of meeting all have become good friends of mine…they wrote out all that they witnessed, his verbal, mental, & emotional abuse of them just weeks after he proposed and moved them into his house…his cold, distant, rule by terror, sadististic treatment of my 2 Autistic children he is nothing more than a sperm donor in my eyes… their affidavits and testimony got me a new hearing in February…my ex-parte was denied too…I was floored, but at least I have a court date…and yesterday I got this news….2 of my new Friends(NX’s Exes) have home movies taken during my children’s visitations…a total of 17 full length VHS tapes of him manipulating, tormenting, teasing, verbally tearing my babies and these women down….including many hours of him thinking it was off showing for all the world to see…the true nature of the monster that he is :)…lol…a camcorder set on a table accidentally left on, recording every sound, every word and every heartbreaking sob from my babies…but 🙂 I do not have a lawyer in these past 7 years I have never been able to afford one….So I have spent thousands of hours in the basement of our Library, poured over thousands of case files similar to mine, studied every family law book I can get my hands on, researched called many lawyers in our county begging for help, even if it was only access to their law books…I didn’t give up until I figured out how to write my own motions, from restraining orders, a motion to implement and enforce a strict code of conduct , language, and behavior when having any contact during pick up & drop off of kids, including specific fines, and legal ramifications if he violated those rules, contempt of a court order, to filing for sole legal and physical custody, filed Pro-Se, I discovered every court has a form called a fee waiver form and because of my extremely low income I do not pay one penny in filing fees, and the most I have had to pay in court costs to date was for the custody battle to get sole legal custody & that was $40… I beat his fancy-pants, $5000 retainer up front lawyer!!!
    I have no money, yes it bothers me…a lot…but I have my kids 🙂 He works under the table to avoid paying and our county’s CSEA is so overloaded that he pays a half of 1 month’s support every 89th day to keep his driver’s license… our county’s prosecuter for CSEA wont file against a deadbeat untill there has been no payment for 6 months…180 days…my 2 kids & I live on less than $600 a month, we recieve food stamps, and we have the PIPP Plus energy assistance program thru the government to help with the electric,
    I have no cable, no internet service(my neighbor added my computer to her WI-FI network…and gave me a 5 yr old Netgear Wireless-G USB adapter to allow me to get their signal and connect to their network.
    I have had to accept donated school supplies, thrift store vouchers from Job and family services t get my kids used clothes for school, but when there is not much of a selection?? I get adult plus sized clothes, jens etc… because with thread, my sewing machine, and a little imagination I can turn one size 22 dress and a pair of 22 jeans into 4-5 outfits….mix n match skirt, pants, capris, with matching shirts, and a dress for my daughter 🙂
    Then there is Christmas??? I thank God everyday for every person that donates to the adopt a family for Christmas….because if not for them, my children would have nothing on Christmas…They even gave me a fake tree with lights and ornaments last year, so I know we definately have a tree 🙂
    The NX seems to derive a sickening pleasure out of taunting me when he picks up and drops off my kids…makeing remarks like “Oh by the way, I know I said I would make a payment but i changed my mind, get a job…then as he walks to his car he starts laughing so hard I think he will pee his pants, turns around and throws out this one “Good luck with the rent and electric….I doubt the courts or Child Protective Services will allow you to keep custody if you go homeless” Usually I can laugh it off but on that day I had gotten a shut off notice for the electric, and an eviction notice not even an hour before that comment, I bit my lip til it bed, but I refused to let him see me cry.
    My kids and I live without many things….but we have love 🙂 We have the freedom to laugh out loud in our home without fear of being hit, punished, etc.
    We don’t have a lot of material possessions…BUT WE HAVE SOMETHING MONEY CAN’T BUY 🙂
    We have something so priceless….WE HAVE EACH OTHER & WE HAVE LOVE 🙂
    Do not give up, not even for a second….If I can keep smiling, keep putting one foot in front of the other through all of the crap we’ve lived…ANYONE CAN!!

  3. oops the first line was supposed to sa my 21 & 20 yr old kids with NX # and the 12 & 11 yr old with sperm donor..aka…NX #2.
    Sorry about all the mis spellings…I live with Tourette’s Syndrome/TS related coprolalia/OCD/Anxiety disorder/and SPD…
    LITTLE KNOWN FACT…..only about 10% of people with TS also have TS related Coprolalia…this is the involuntary cussing….lol…the other 90% of people who have Tourette’s Syndrome but not coprolalia??? use their Tourette’s as an excuse to cuss out anybody and eveybody they feel like going off on…blaming their Tourettes for their deplorable behavior when in truth they can control their mouths by shutting them :)….I figure the powers that be felt guilty about piling so many struggles on my plate, making daily life more than a group of 12 could not handle without running off screaming “take me to my padded cell please”, …that they thought I could use the comic relief my Tourettes & coprolalia brings into my daily life 🙂
    YEPPERS, I am one of those people…Hand me a lemon, I dare you to…cuz I will make lemon bars for the kiddos and lemon drop shots for Mommy to enjoy after they are tucked into bed 🙂 I have my “REDRUM RAGE” moments and my “NOAH HAD BEST GET TO BUILDING ANOTHER ARK” cuz I’mma bout to flood this place cryfests…but I look at them as my body’s way of releasing all the toxins from having to deal with the NX….

  4. Tina,

    I, too, have a man in my life who is the Dad my kids deserve rather than the Father they are stuck with. We are both very blessed. That being said, family declaration cannot and SHOULD not be considered in a Family Court case. Obviously, it is an extremely BIASED opinion. The more UNbiased opinions of this man and his “parenting” skills you can gather, the better.

    I have court 10/20 to adjust visitation and custody with my NX. Hoping for the best – prepared for the “compromise”.

    The “high road” is a difficult one, but the longer you stay on it, the better the results. The court and most importantly, your children will recognize that, respect it and love you for it. Keep doing what you’re doing and the truth will prevail. It’s a LONG and windy road!! And don’t forget the 4-wheel drive for the mud!!

  5. I am glad to know you’ve got another hearing coming up. I wish I had some advice – I don’t really except consult a lawyer you trust and listen to your heart. I’m pulling for you, 100%.

  6. Don’t forget that your fiance also took your daughters to their father-daughter dance after Ex was a no show on his own visitation time, despite telling him how important the event was to the girls. Your fiance has stepped up in every possible way imaginable! Also, I thought I read this once… kids will regress in the safety of the more secure home. I can only imagine what your ex would do if she regressed in front of him (or in his precious car), and I’m sure your littlest one knows this:(. Anyway, this psychology might be worth looking into?

  7. Tina, I’m so glad to hear that you are getting your hearing, I cen’t believe the things the court system has done to your little girls!
    Just something that I thought you might want to look into, I believe (correct me if I’m wrong) your ex is the one that moved, you are still in the same place as when you split? In Canada, the burden is on the parent who moved to pay for gas, etc to visit their children. It’s only when the custodial parent moves far away that they must pay mileage. Something to look into anyway, as I have no idea about US laws.
    Hope and pixie dust being sent your way!

  8. One thing both my wife and I found was that our respective NarcXes endeared themselves to court employees, totally charming the pants off them when they could get away with it. We found that the very people entrusted to make Family Court a fair venue were easily co-opted by the very narcissists/sociopaths we were trying to cope with. I was also surprised that (particularly in our current smaller county court) court personnel would superficially follow the cases and seemed to take sides… sort of their own personal daytime soap opera. We learned to not ask the clerks for anything other than procedural information (the window people) as they were often pretty snarky. By stark contrast, those in the courtroom who saw our narc/ppaths in action totally got the picture.

  9. Wow.

    Sounds like the court said no the emergency request and yes to the new hearing.

    Crossing my fingers and toes for you,


  10. I just wanted to tell you what an inspiration you are!! You are making do in so many areas but still having a positive attitude and upbeat; like you said, you have love and yes, it is nice not to have to worry (about money) but maybe some of the stuff we go through helps build our faith? I know it does mine. I have a feeling when things DO get better for you, you are going to totally “rock” and in a good way. I really enjoyed reading your comment and have been feeling sort of “down” in my situation lately … thank you for making a difference!

  11. Tina, the problem with the family courts is EVERYWHERE. Please see the blog http://www.carvercountycorruption.com . A friend of mine started it when her children were taken from her and given to her ex that has a criminal record of domestic violence and alcolhol issues. He is wealthy, and the judge is crooked. She was given nothing from the marriage and ordered ANOTHER psych eval even though she passed the first TWO!. It is a sick and twisted system. She is not alone as there are MANY victims in Carver County and elsewhere. The courts are destroying children and it must stop….