I wasn’t prepared emotionally for the verdict that we received last Wednesday. I realized after the fact how unprepared I really was. The weeks prior to trial were filled with anxiety. Was the Custody Evaluation going to be done in time? Had Seth successfully charmed the evaluator? If the report was completed, would Seth’s attorney continue the trial? If he did continue the trial, would the Commissioner grant temporary orders for supervised visits? If he didn’t grant the temporary orders, I knew that my children would not be safe because by that time, Seth knew the results of the evaluation and the recommendation was not in his favor.
Meanwhile, we were all scrambling to obtain the DVD of Seth drinking in a bar with the girls. I had everyone that I knew reaching out to the owner of the bar- my employer called, my business owner friends were calling and my amazing private investigator was attempting to retrieve it. In the end, it took a subpoena to obtain it but the amount of energy and emotions involved in the entire process was through the roof. I knew that it was energy well spent because I knew that this tape was the final piece that I needed.
Because I strive to find humor in all situations, I actually laughed when I heard Seth’s excuse for why he was drinking in a bar with the girls. It was all a test. He was setting us up. Yes, you heard that right. He claimed that he was testing the girls to see if they would report the information back to me. Someday I may write a book called, “Yes, the Narcissist really said that.” Ironically, his mother had already admitted to our evaluator that they were drinking because had she not, his answer would have been different. His answer would have probably been complete and utter denial. Silly little narcissist….to think that you had me convinced that you were smarter for all of those years.
After the final judgment, I spent several days in an utter state of confusion. To be honest, I think that I was in some type of shock. It was the exact verdict that I had hoped and prayed for but I wasn’t prepared. I expected court to be delayed for another month. Everything happened so fast and I wasn’t even a part of it. The attorneys handled everything and I felt like I was caught in a tornado of commotion. Spinning and fast – it was over. My girls were safe.
I left the courtroom and felt dazed. I didn’t cry. I was elated but I didn’t cry. I had always expected that a moment like this would bring a flood of tears so vast that a dam would need to be constructed in the town square. Days later, I was still dazed and fuzzy. The only way I could explain it to people was that there was a “block” – I felt that my emotions were blocked and it wasn’t sinking in. I couldn’t grasp the concept that my children were finally safe. I have been in the trenches for four straight years and just like that, “Poof!”, it ended.
On Saturday, I attended an Eqqus Therapy session at Koelle Simpson’s ranch. Koelle is indescribable – you would just have to meet her. She is truly “in the moment” and when she looks at you, it is almost like you can feel her soul. She is a special woman and her ranch is a magical and healing place. Koelle was even featured in the August edition of Oprah Magazine (on shelves now!) and it can provide further insight into the horse therapy that she provides.
Horses live “in the moment” and they can be a mirror into what you are experiencing. In the therapy sessions at Koelle’s ranch, you have an opportunity to enter a round pen alone with a horse. If you have boundary issues, they will push into your space and you will learn how to set boundaries. In my case, I told my coach (Beth Wonson) that I wanted to work on this “block” that I was feeling. I tried to get the horse to follow me. It just stood there. Horses can feel energy and intentions. I felt as though there was a block between me and the horse. “Dreamer” wouldn’t do what I wanted her to do. She was being difficult. I felt my frustration and owned it. My coach told me to take my “block” and throw it out of the pen- she promised to dispose of it. I mentally threw my “block” over the fence and took a deep breath. To my amazement, the horse walked straight towards me and we bonded. From that moment on, I felt a shift. I accepted that this was my new life. A life filled with peace and flow…..not blocks. Life changing moments at the North Star Ranch.
I am doing a lot of soul searching right now. I just turned a new chapter and the pages are blank. It is an amazing feeling to have the ability to write my new story. A story that no longer contains darkness and battle wounds. I am rejoicing in the blank pages. I have a brand new, shiny ink pen and a whole new world to embrace.
I wish these feelings for each and everyone of you. I hope that my story can be a learning lesson for judges, commissioners and attorneys around the world. There was a quote shared on our Facebook page this morning that said, “Characterize people by their actions, and you will never be fooled by their words.” That quote should be printed on the bench of every Judge in the Family Court System.
Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.” You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.