Divorcing a Narcissist: The Narcissist’s Roommate

Divorcing a Narcissist: The Narcissist’s Roommate

On August 16, 2012 I came out of a work event to find the following text message on my phone:

“Hi Tina, this is “J”, (x’s roommate) in (said town).  He’s been missing for 2 weeks and I can’t get a hold of him- do you know where he is?  I wouldn’t know if he’s in a hospital or in jail.  Anyway- listen to my voicemail and if you could give me a ring that would be great.  Also, I’ll try to find you on Facebook.  I think I saw a like button for one of your efforts (diva, multiple sclerosis story or one mom’s battle-yikes!!!) anyways, his check to me bounced so I’m not trying to help him- just trying to contact him”.

That text message opened up multiple conversations between us and he willing disclosed information about the x’s lifestyle.  He had only heard one side of the story- the x had a crazy ex-wife who wrote a blog about him and was only after money.  It turns out that the x moved in with stories about $10,000 commission checks and then began bouncing his personal checks.  I learned about his drinking habits and which bars that he frequented in their neighborhood.  My x even owed him money for wiping out the expensive liquor in the house– that didn’t even belong to him.  He told me about one occasion where he asked the x for the rent for the second or third time only to have him explode– and call him (the landlord) a “little bitch“.  In a very short period of living together, he saw his temper first-hand.

It also turns out the “J” is an attorney who is well-versed with the law.  He asked me to write him a declaration for court about my child support arrears so that he could ask the court to formally evict the x.  He wanted to show that he was $35,000 in debt and unable to pay the rent which was due.  I was willing to do that- a simple statement of facts about the past due amount.  Nothing more, nothing less.  As he stated, its the same information that he could pull from public records.  He also offered to help me with my case by providing a declaration.

Because I generally believe the best in people, I took his word for it.  I spent several hours writing a declaration, finding a notary, having it notarized and faxed to his attention.  He was incredibly persistent in obtaining this declaration and then fell off the face of the earth once he had it in hand- not responding to my emails or my text messages.  I spoke to him on the phone today about the declaration and his promise as I understood it.  He backtracked.  He offered to discuss the bounced checks however, he would not discuss the alcoholism or the temper that he witnessed.

It is so frustrating to know that there are people out there with credible information about my x yet they “don’t want to get involved“.  As a person with a heart and a conscious, I can’t image withholding information that could help to protect a child.  I will never understand it.  He claims to be “afraid of him“.  How does he think my daughters feel if a man who is a 30-something year old attorney is afraid of him?

Thank you for letting me vent- I am incredibly frustrated this week with people who refuse to do the right thing.  I think the thing that bothers me the most are the people who are willing to run their mouths and gossip yet they don’t do the ethical thing with the knowledge that they have.  Especially from an attorney who is supposed to adhere to a code of ethics.  As always, I am open to other points of views and opinions so feel free to “let me have it” if I am out of line.  What are your thoughts?

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22 Responses

  1. WOW what a weenie that “professional” turned out to be! He just used you for his own purposes, to get the eviction, got what he wanted from you and dumped you like a hot potato. I hope he reads your blog and realizes what a huge mistake he’s made in letting your children down as so many have along the way. You’d think an attorney would have a bigger set of cajones, but I guess not.

  2. The exact reason I’ve never had a one-night stand. I knew that I wouldn’t like this feeling! 😉 (I have a weird sense of humor sometimes…please excuse me!)

  3. Reminds me of that famous quote “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” by Edmund Burke, except in this case the so called “good man” is a coward and not good at all. I hope Karma gives him a good slap in the face.

  4. I know exactly how you feel. It feels as though my own lawyers are afraid of my ex….read my post today in notes about Give me strength…7 years of being on the defense when I have done nothing wrong! Keep up the good work, wonderful mommy!

    Surprise! Know Who You Marry or Date

  5. Can you have him subpoenaed as a witness? He should know better than to lie under oath on the stand.

    I’ve had this happen to me, it was the mother of my daughter’s best friend. My XN picked my daughter up one time at her middle school. One time. He insisted on waiting in the parking lot for this mother to come get her daughter. He introduced himself, Mr.Charming, the poor dad who has been held hostage from his daughter’s life for 7 years, etc. Big sob story in front of both girls. He took our daughter for their weekend visit, only come Sunday night she never came home. I tried to call him, worried to death, he never answered his phone. Just as I was in panic mode the phone rang, it was my girl. She was at her best friend’s house, and was wondering why I hadn’t picked her up. The XN had decided the visit was over early that morning so he took her to her friends house instead of bringing her home. Long story short, he had gone into the home, pulled both mom and dad aside and told them how I was a drunk, it wasn’t safe to take our daughter home as she was afraid of my partner. He asked if she could have safe refuge with them. He said he would call me and tell me where she was. He warned them that I would probably be too drunk to get her. Of course when I never came, never called, it made his story look like the truth. I drove over immediately to pick her up and talked to the mom. She and I talked a lot after that, as she was witness to discussions between our two girls regarding XN’s behavior. She told me that she would do anything to help me, just ask. So, when I asked for a declaration she was too sick at the time to help, then still sick, then felt poorly. I got the picture. I finally confronted her, she didn’t want “to get involved”. I gave her name and number to my daughter’s attorney regardless. I don’t think she ever returned his calls. Every time I saw her at school after that she would divert her eyes. How could a mom be such a coward, how could she allow this to happen to another child? It makes me sick to my stomach. How do people like this sleep?

  6. We sometimes loosely use the term Psychopath and Sociopath and know intimately(sorry if that is a poor word choice)the impact of such people on lives. Are we desensitized to a degree? We know Sociopath. Does our desire to protect our precious children from any harm and do the right thing override any fear we may have had? If others do not have anything of value vested, whatever that might be for them-an opportunity to make money(lawyers-who many are liars btw), revenge, protection, babysitter, more support for themselves and their own children why you and yours struggle-whatever the case, they are not going to intentionally be more involved with a nutcase than they have to be, especially if the N is focused on someone else(us) and not them. We have to be involved, some do not. If we did not have to be, would we choose to be? We know how unstable and lost Nxs are. We know first hand the damage they can do, when others finally recognize they have been duped, the doubt coupled with what they know has been done to the innocent and nothing is done to protect the innocent, then perhaps they ask who is going to do anything for them(looking out for number one mentality), especially if they are not directly related to the case/situation. Meanwhile these same people seemingly jump in with both feet to help our NXs, but there will come a day that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father and then what are they going to do. You can sleep through the night with that Peace of mind:)

  7. My children’s therapists who are in the same practice have done this to me. They know what he he is, but refuse to get involved, citing all sorts of therapy rules. They talk the talk, but can’t walk the walk. I have finally gotten over it and no longer expect anything. I would change therapists, but it’s too hard to start over. At least I can say that they know he is a narc and can help my children outside of court. It’s so frustrating.

  8. This is one of my biggest pet peeves as well. I’ve had a couple’s counselor do this, as well as my daughter’s Dr, our doula, etc. People really are afraid. I get it. They want to protect themselves, their families, career, etc. And I want to protect my daughter. So I bought a closed circuit (not down loadable) recording device. So when someone (especially a professional) wants to tell me about anything they’ve witnessed, I just hit the record button. Check the law about recording in your state. In NYS, only 1 party needs to provide consent for recording in order for it to be legal.

  9. If he doesn’t have kids of his own then there is no way he’d know how to ‘do the right thing’ to help protect your girls. Many people would do it because they have a lump in the pit of their stomach when they think about a parent bullying and frightening a little girl.
    I think you might be dealing with yet another manipulative, self absorbed jerk. At least that’s what it looks like to me. So, yeah, its frustrating, but it sounds like you might be expecting another leopard to change its spots….we all know how well that works!
    I loved P’s idea of having him subpoenaed as a witness!
    Also, good luck tomorrow, I’ve got my fingers crossed that your x will get whats coming to him.

  10. The only thing I am going to “let you have it” on is this: Stop being so nice. So many of us are too nice and we get screwed in the end. Next time an opportunity for a barter type situation comes up, insist on getting your part first. I am the same way, thinking people are good and decent and want to help…I am getting over that quick. Time you did too. You can explain to them: Sorry, been screwed before but if you want my help then XYZ for me first. You need to be selfish for your daughters (so it isn’t really being selfish, is it). Don’t worry about sounding like a bitch, who cares. Protect yourself and your kids in all ways. Especially when dealing with lawyers! Good luck to you, your struggle is always on my mind.

  11. Janine, love your suggestion to Tina. I too am often left with the short end of the stick. I have always been too nice and somewhat of a doormat.
    After leaving my crazy abuser after 11 years of marriage I finally found my voice and try to get what I want first after being burned way too many times.

    Tina, you got the short end, but it will all work out in the end. I have to believe that! My ex has dug and searched to find any enemies he can to go against me. He found an older lady that cannot stand me because my oldest daughter would not friend her crazy daughter on facebook. He actually has this woman come to court with him to testify against me every time we go. It is amazing at the lengths a sociopath will go to “aid their cause”
    And I truly believe Mr. Landlord will someday experience karma! As will the woman that my husband brings to court. Makes me wonder how do these people sleep at night????

  12. I can answer this. Yes, he can be subpoenaed, and since he is not a professional involved in your case you only need to pay him the appearance fee, which in most counties is around $35.

  13. I may try– and with the $35 that Bill quoted, I will only be about $60 in the hole total. To pour salt into a wound- he never even reimbursed me for the $25 in notary fees and faxing costs! Ethical, I tell ya….

  14. I can say that I would be involved even if I didn’t have to be. I have been asked several times to write declarations where the other party was flat-out-scary. I did it anyway because children were involved. I like to believe that I would do the right thing even if I didn’t have kids– and if I wasn’t involved in this screwy system.

  15. Now THAT is bad. They have a responsibility to protect children–more than anyone else. Wow.

  16. I know that it is illegal for me to record unless the other party gives permission. I wish I could do that.

    An equally big pet peeve– the people who get involved and have NO right to. That kills me.

  17. I agree with your description of him. He was a jerk now that he got what he wanted. He kept cutting me off, talking over me and I couldn’t even finish a sentence.

  18. This reminds me of being bullied on the bus. My friends would agree that it was wrong, but they wouldn’t stand up for me during the bullying for fear that they would be the new target. That’s understandable behavior for a defenseless 8-12 year old girl up against 4 mean and scary boys, but I can’t think of any excuse for the man you described. He used you to get what he wanted. I would love for him to be forced to testify in court on your behalf so he either HAS to do what is right or perjure himself. A girl can dream, right?

  19. Two things come to my mind here are – – –

    The first is a quote that I read on a auto shop sign years ago, “A man of his words and not his deeds is like a garden full of weeds”

    The second is the song sung by Elton John, Circle of Life which says, “you should never take more than you give”

    What a lousy thing to do! Shame Shame!
    Good for you thinking in the right perspective and for hoping that, he would do the right thing. Clearly you are the better person in terms of morals!