Divorcing a Narcissist: The Bizarro World of Narcissism

Divorcing a Narcissist: The Bizarro World of Narcissism
I love the messages and insight that I receive from warrior moms around the globe.  Many of them are afraid to post publicly so they send me emails or private messages about their current trials, experiences or “ah ha!” moments.  One such message came through this week and described a phenomenon in the Narcissistic World.  I have always called it the “Twilight Zone” or “Alice in Wonderland”.  No matter what you choose to call it, it makes you question your sanity and doubt yourself.  Narcissists have an innate ability to create their own fantasy world.  They believe this “new reality” which is why so many of them can pass lie detector tests.  My X re-created his entire childhood.  He was the most popular person in school.  He was the Captain of every sports team.  He was a surfer.  All of the girls loved him.  If we ran into someone in town who resembled Barbie– he had surely dated her somewhere between kindergarten and college.  His older brother was the first to mention that he was often confused about the childhood that my X led, as were their parents.  A friend who grew up with my X told a completely different story where the lead character (my X) was shy, unpopular and very socially awkward.Instead of being a red flag for me, I felt sorry for him.  He was trying to impress me with these stories because he was embarrassed about the reality of his childhood.   When the truth was presented to him one night, he was defensive and then resembled a 6-year old boy.  He looked wounded but didn’t deny the facts.  His solution- he drank a lot that night and retreated.  I received the silent treatment for weeks.  How dare I take away his fictional story which he seemed to believe with every ounce of his being.

Our marital therapist refused to meet with my X alone because he needed me there to bring the truth into the counseling session.  Left to his own, my X would spin stories and justify his deceitful actions.  I would kindly point out the truth and then he would backtrack.  The therapist pointed out his lies and lack of remorse which would cause my X would begin talking in circles.  He was good at that.  He believed what he said even when it wasn’t the truth.  If the truth was pointed out, he would talk in circles and create a new truth.  By the time he was done, I was left so confused that I didn’t remember the truth anymore!

I wanted to share something that one of my readers sent to me:

Narcissistic Bizarro World: I made an observation today about the narcissistic Bizarro World my X lives in. Let me tell you what lives there.

The world consists of their truth, their lies, and their memories of YOUR life. They do not have memories of all the wrongs they did or of the lies they told…only yours. It’s a world created by them to make themselves feel better and to make themselves look better to the real world. My X can remember conversations we had in 1988 word for word. He can remember where and what I ate while having this conversation. Of course what he remembers is me wanting to leave him for another man. WOW…wish I remembered that because “I would have left him for another man.” I’m amazed and entertained by his stories. Sometimes I want to go to Bizarro World so I can change my memories too.I would change the memories of him making me feel bad for being successful, for being a good mom, for loving my family. I would change the memories of having to ensure my world revolved around his Bizarro world. I would change the memories of always making excuses for his rude and mean behavior to my family or my children. I would change the memories of allowing him to treat my oldest son like hired help. I would change the memory of how worthless he made me feel on a daily basis.I no longer live in this Bizarro world, he keeps inviting me to move there. But it’s a cold lonely place and I prefer the warmth and love I have in the REAL world. ###

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8 Responses

  1. I am floored. I love the writing that you shared about Bizarro World. I am struggling with that VERY THING this morning. It all sounds like it could be true, but I know its not, so I am confused.

  2. I just happened upon your blog this evening – and I so can relate to the X with the Bizarro world. I am amazed that I survived 16 yrs and came out broken, hurt and shattered but happy to be out of his world. Its funny that he would have me so confused at times I couldn’t remember what the conversation was about to begin with. It was always my fault. I pushed his buttons, I did things on purpose to aggravate him, etc. The cruelty of his words and actions to our children is truly shocking to me now that I am out of that situation. The sad part, is during the divorce he had to have a “team” on his side. Of course, my two older children chose him over me. It’s so sad bc they saw everything I went through as well as what he did to them. But like me, I think they are afraid of him as well. Geez, it took me so long leave – how can they stand up to a 48 yr old man – they are only kids. One day the truth will come out. Its amazing to now realize how many women are still suffering in these kinds of marriages. I can now only show my two younger children what a healthy home is supposed to be like.

  3. I totally lived in Bizarro World too. Usually the things he remembers ABOUT me are really the things HE did TO me, switching the roles. I have been told I fly into narcissistic fits of rage, I degrade and demean him, make him feel unloved and worthless…all that and more but meanwhile I never opened my mouth for fear of it being shut permanently by him. He can never give one single example of these accusations. By simply stating it, it must be true though, right? They are simply crazy, masters of spinning the truth to fit their purpose and believe themselves wholeheartedly. I am so happy to be away from him even if I can’t severe all the ties. At least I feel “normal” again living in the real world 🙂

  4. My kids were torn like that too – he expected them to follow in line behind him and never question him – and suddenly hate me, because HE hated me. It takes time, but your kids will learn the true kind of person he is. When they stand up for themselves, they’ll see what kind of selfish man he is when he degrades, hollers, belittles them from wanting a life and identity of their own.
    They’re confused. they think they’re doing the right thing. Keep loving them. Its the best thing you can do for them.
    Good luck to you. 🙂

  5. Tiny childhood story of Mr. X of mine or „How to twist a simple truth ?“ :

    Written statement of him: „I was born as the youngest of four brothers.“
    Six months later i found out that he was five years older than he always has said and was in fact, the same age as his brother.
    Me: „So, you are not the youngest ?!“
    He: „Oh, yes I am, we were just born at the same day.“
    Me: „Errh, how can that be ?“
    He: „Yeah, you know my mother had a seldom phenomen, she had a double pregnancy where she carried two babies inside of two different ages, superfetation.“
    Me: „That’s extremely rare, Guess I would have read in the newspapers about your case.“
    He: „No, you couldn’t my mother never told anyone.“
    Me: „Why dont you just tell me you have a twin brother ? No big deal, you look exactly like him.“
    He: „Because it’s not true.“

    (PS: no need to say what happend when I met his twin brother…
    from the distance, these stories are fun. but only from the distance.)

  6. I am having a bit of a rough go lately. This is when I start thinking that I am the crazy one because everyone is attacking me. My mom, my ex attorney, my family, everyone and all I have done is assert myself and told the truth. The darkness truly does not like the light shining upon it! I get so angry when they make false distorted statements or just flat out lie and try to pass the baton to me and accuse me of lying or manipulating. I get frustrated because I am not doing that, but they are and they won’t leave me alone! Cast my role of taking care of my daughters into the mix, it has been a rough couple of weeks. What is bizarre about Bizarro World is that the Ns in your life start coming out of the woodwork, that’s when you think you are going crazy because they are everywhere and you can’t seem to get away from them. I am going to go read my Bible-all I can do at this point is stand upon the Word of God, and maybe clean my house. My heart, mind and house can use a good cleansing. Praying for all, I could use some as well. Thanks.

  7. will pray for you and while i am three years in . i have had everyone desert me and not believe me . i can say this . you will come out of this stronger than you ever dreamed .clear and free. my ex did not lie about his past . rather he was the giolden boy. star player , rock star BUT none of that ever amounted to anything so his bizarro world is delusional in the right here and now . trying to convince him self at 47 that he is was some phenomenon . it is a twisted world . big prayers love and lifting to you . we all truly need each other