Divorcing a Narcissist: Open Letter to Dr. Drew

Divorcing a Narcissist: Open Letter to Dr. Drew

Note from Tina: Tonight I received a call from Dr. Drew’s studios regarding a segment they are doing which focuses on being unable to move on because you have children with your ex.  I am an stand-by tonight and wrote an open letter to Dr. Drew in case I am not able to speak live on-air. 

Dear Dr. Drew,

First, thank you for bringing attention to the topic of “difficult ex’s and how to move on from them”. I received a call this afternoon from someone in your studios and it is my goal to speak to you tonight during the show.

In case I am not able to speak to you, I wanted to provide you with a summary of my situation- I have been in a court battle for 3.5 years against my X husband who I believe suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  These individuals make it impossible to “continue on” because of their need to control and “win”.  In our court process, I act as my own attorney. I have a blog called, One Mom’s Battle which details my battle in the California Family Court System.  I have connected with thousands of other mothers who are in similar circumstances and the blog has had 125,000 hits in less that one year.   That number tells me that there are so many others being affected by this issue and that the media has a responsibility to keep the light shining until the darkness is gone.

My main issues lies in the Family Court System because they are not educated to deal with high conflict personalities.  I have come to accept that my ex husband has a disorder that leaves him incapable of functioning in the way a normal parent would act.  The job of the Family Court System is to evaluate cases to determine what is best for the children.  Instead, they are too focused on doing quick, 50/50 custody splits and they are too concerned about Mothers’ Rights or Fathers’ Rights when they should be acting in the best interest of the children.

I was told by my daughters’ attorney that I would need to come up with $8,000 to pay for a psychiatric evaluation.  Based on my experience in the court system, I don’t have a lot of faith that the court system would do anything even if we did have a firm diagnosis.

  • My daughters’ therapist has written three declarations to the court recommending supervised visits yet they keep giving him additional chances.
  • For three years, we have probably been to court at least 30 times.
  • It isn’t about his love for our daughters- it’s about winning.  It’s the only way that he has left to control me and hurt me
  • He threatens me subtlety by telling me that “my time will come” or “Karma will get me” yet he knows how to operate within the boundaries so I can’t obtain an order or protection.
  • He can not follow court orders and lies pathologically yet there is no recourse.  The court has actually caught him lying on multiple occasions.
  • Three women who he has dated since our divorce have contacted me about being afraid for their lives which further validates my fears.

My goal is to educate the public on this disorder because I believe that education is the first step in bring change to the system.  I would love your advice on this topic because I don’t believe it is possible to “move on” when you are dealing with a high-conflict personality.  Battling to protect my daughters is a part-time job that takes its toll on me–I am exhausted. Tina

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9 Responses

  1. It is not possible Tina. My N drove with my child drunk. Hours before that and before the more beer he consumed, he got an open container ticket. But they won’t do anything until something happens to our child. I could list other stuff he has done, but sadly there is so much, I will never be able to remember it all.

  2. I’m listening right now…hoping you get to say what needs to be said. Did you send this letter to him through CNN too?

    Sue

  3. Well said!!! Battling these people is literally an exhausting part time job, if not more. I hope that you are heard, I’m dvr’ing it and hope to sit down tonight and get some insight or at least hope that the word is spreading.

  4. I just wanted to let you know that your story is mine. 50/50 custody, been divorced 4.5 years an my last time in court was last week. I’ve probably been there as many times as you. We have a guardian ad lit em who agrees I should have full custody yet the courts don’t listen. There are so many of us out here. I wish someone would listen!

  5. I would give anything to have my X far far from my life and never ever see or think about him again regardless of the children. But oh yeah! He bought a house 100 yards away from me to make that an impossibility 2 years after our divorce. Clearly I’m the one who can’t let go like you!! What is WRONG with us????

    I’ve never been a fan of Dr. Drew before, even less so now.

  6. I would love to “let go”. Ironically, every time I start moving on, he finds a new reason to verbally savage me in front of our daughter. He complains about how bad the “truth” makes him sound, screams profanities and threats at me because he’s not happy with his own actions, yet somehow I’m the irrational one in this situation?

    I have no family in this *state*. All of his family is now dead. If he would sign the papers, I’d move back home with my daughter in a minute.

  7. I’m with you all the way, I just wished I had recognised my ex’s symptoms years ago and broken free of his freakish behaviour and manipulative ways. I’m not afraid to speak out either and admit to having been taken in by him, I’m not sure though that my friends fully understand how my family and I have been so mentally abused over the years, it is so subtle that you fail to notice it happening until it is too late.

  8. Please let us know when this is airing. Love Dr. Drew and love you Tina. I’m tearing up right now because I too am TIRED of dealing with my ex. My co-workers and family just laugh at all the emails and text he sends me and all the ridiculous stuff he talks about. What they don’t understand is that I can’t just laugh if off….my ex has nothing else better to do than sit down with his gf/step-sister and create drama. According to her husband…yes she is still married she LOVES drama just as much as my ex. We go to court on the 27th and I’m hoping the judge will see through all of his lies. I paid for my daughter to have reading tutoring over the summer just to get her prepared for school, but my ex thought it was stupid because there are so many teachers in the family, so he refused to bring her on his days. That was fine I just doubled up on my weeks. My daughter LOVED it and even read a book in front of her class the first week of school (that was the tutors goal all summer). He thought that was great and now wanted me to send books home that her tutor gave her to read. It’s great because she had the confidence to do it because of the tutoring/tutor!!!! I’M TIRED…..thanks again for this blog, it has helped me out sooooo much!!!