One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #9

One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #9

A note from Tina: Every week I feature stories from other women who are in this battle.  One Mom’s Battle has many faces.  Part of my healing has come from connecting with these other women and sharing stories, giggles and tears.  I have found a tremendous support system through this blog and it has helped me to realize that I am not alone.  I call them the “Warrior Moms” and while I know there are also many men affected by Narcissists and Psychopaths, the vast majority of my interaction is with other brave women. 

One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces–from all over the world.

Here is Face #9: Becca Anderson

My battle may be against a slightly different enemy, but it is fought on the same front. The similarities and parallels between my X and The Narcissist are clear… the gradual power shift in the relationship, the manipulation, the feeling in your gut that you ignore that something is off and a man who tries to convince you that you are slowly going crazy.

Four years ago I thought I met the man of my dreams. He was tall dark, handsome, hardworking and treated me like a princess. Every moment not spent at work was spent with each other. A year and a half later we were married and I was pregnant with a “honeymoon baby”. Life couldn’t be sweeter! As my pregnancy progressed I started getting that “off” feeling. He seemed less interested in me intimately, he was working longer hours and since our work hours didn’t line up my gut told me that he may be seeing someone. I asked him about it gently because I had no proof. This caused a blow up of course. He said I was hormonal, crazy and stupid. “Why did he put up with me when I was so insecure? Didn’t I know that women lacking confidence like me were not attractive? No wonder he didn’t want to sleep with me!”

Then a few months later the police showed up at my door to inform me my X had been arrested. He had tried to meet up with a 15 year old girl for sex!  I was shocked into silence. The detective on the case sat down with me and explained that my X had also confessed to downloading child pornography. I felt numb. I had thought he might be cheating on me, but none of this ever crossed my mind. I changed my locks the next day, got a therapist for myself and planned on raising my unborn daughter on my own.

My X was sentenced to 8 years in Federal Prison. Through a series of phones calls between the two of us before his sentence was to begin he promised to grant me a divorce and not ask for anything except a few personal items I could return to his mother. He promised not to pursue visitation (i.e. my daughter visiting him in prison.) Our divorce should be a minimum cost of having the paperwork draw up and filing with the court… BUT as we know these types only make promises in order to break them. I spent thousands of dollars blocking him from getting visitation in prison and even though he was told he would not win, he had the right to ask and ask again and again. Every single time he made a request I had to pay money to block him.

This man has been ordered by the federal courts to have no contact with any minor child, with the exception of his biological children. My daughter is the ONLY child in the world not promised safety from this evil man. As of now all of his requests have been denied, as they should be, but why is this man able to ask for access to an innocent child that does not even know him? Why do I have to strain all of my resources to battle him in court? My ultimate goal is that more state governments and family courts offer the option of severing the parental rights of convicted child predators.
Unfortunately what is common sense to many is an uphill battle against our system.

– Becca Anderson

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14 Responses

  1. Becca, have you looked into getting his parental rights terminated since he is in prison and the nature of his crime? May be an uphill battle but it couldn’t hurt to ask. It is sad your daughter is the only child who doesn’t get protection. That laws in this country are totally screwed up. Good luck to you!

  2. I have asked. In my state I can’t currently sever rights unless I was remarried and my X WILLINGLY signed over his rights to my new husband.

    My X would never do that, said it himself, and I am not married or even in a relationship.

    This is something I would like changed in our system more than anything.

  3. Sorry to hear of your story Becca. I’ve had to learn, the hard way, that the players in Family Court and the entire system are not logical. Everything is upside down. I am a smart person and try to go about things logically in Family Court and it does not always work in my favor. However, I keep pressing on. I represent myself and I’m learning that I am smarter than most attorneys and judges. Sad but true. Keep standing up and eventually, things will start bending to your favor. The “good” wins over the “evil,” but it takes patience and perseverance.

  4. Thanks so much for sharing this. I have been asking that same question about why I have to drain my resources, gather evidence, and jump through every hoop possible to protect my children. He has the “right” to hurt the children he should most want to protect. He constantly messes up, and I have to spend all of my time and resources. He just lives his life as he wants to. The scales are definitely tipped. It’s an exhausting process that often makes me want to cave under the pressure. I won’t, however, because they deserve at least one advocate.

  5. wow- this story hits home. I’ve spent almost 100K in legal fees against a father who refuses to follow court orders and hasn’t exercised access in years. But he tells everyone that I’m denying access so he has to keep things going in the courts to make it look like he is “fighting for his daughter”. He doesn’t want to see our daughter, but boy does he want people to think he does!

    Keep fighting for your child. Once he is out of jail, he will have a better chance at gaining supervised access. And just make sure you raise your child with strong boundaries and a good moral compass. That’s what I do.

  6. What judge would agree to something like this? At what point does harassment or frivilous come into to play? It would be interesting to have taxpayers weigh in on these matters. What tax paying law abiding citizen would not vote to protect themselves and children from predators and sociopaths. No one would willingly agree to have tax paid funds be tied up to feed, clothe, house and defend them(pedophiles and abusers)while they are harrassing, stalking and seeking custody of, or even have any sort of “rights” to their next victims. You get my vote and heck of a lot of others for sure. OUTRAGEOUS! I am so sorry this is happening to you and your child, Becca. God bless you with the courage and strength to endure.

  7. It amazes me that are the more laws in place to protect inmates and criminals than there are to actually protect mothers and children.

  8. Becca, have you ever considered getting the media involved in this process? Maybe media intervention & the court of public opinion would push changing the laws in your state?

    I don’t know what your faith is, but for what its worth I will be praying for you and your daughter.

  9. I am not ready to take the media step yet. There is more that has to be done behind the scenes first. Thank you for all the support!

  10. Pedophiles are hard-wired to harm children. Maybe your best bet is to keep very close tabs on him when he gets out and catch him re-offending. People who enjoy looking at photographs of naked children whose lives are being destroyed by adults using them as objects are not treatable (IMO) and will go back to their porn of choice as soon as they relax a little after being caught and punished. At first there may be tears and “remorse” and “recovery” and 12 step fakery. The arrest and sentencing may even scare them into wanting to behave normally for a while.

    But in time their true nature will resurface. In my experience, the courts tolerate a far higher degree of abuse by an abuser of their own children. The court is charged with making sure the parent gets ongoing regular contact with their child when all common sense would say this would damage the child if the parent has an untreatable personality disorder coupled with criminal-level sexual perversions. The court does not look so gently on the very same person hurting someone else’s child –either directly (in person) or via child pornography.
    So fight for your own child with all your might … but keep tabs on other predictable crimes which could get your ex back behind bars. That will be his safest residence as far as your child is concerned. Even if he does not harm her with his hands, morally bankrupt parents who view others as expendable objects for their own sick pleasures make terrible role models. Their lack of compassion and empathy for others spills out into their day to day interactions in less dramatic but still toxic ways.
    I watched an old episode of Dr Phil a few days ago in which a little girl repeatedly told her mother and grandmother that her father was touching her in ways she minded terribly. The father expressed self righteous amazement that anyone could suggest such a thing about him and insisted the little girl was being bribed with gifts to lie about him. Dr Phil brought on the lie detector tests and the father failed them miserably and the mother and grandmother passed. It appeared justice would be served but the courts and CPS refused to protect the little girl. The mother had to hand her over, knowing she was being harmed. (And he did keep on molesting her.) If the mother did not, the mother would have gone to jail and the father would have gotten even more opportunity to harm the child. The grandmother flatly refused to give up and kept watching and waiting for him to do something the court would take seriously. Finally she managed to have him taken out of his home in handcuffs because of the nature of the porn in his house.

    I wish you and your child the very best of luck.

  11. He has been denied all contact so far. The judge actually laughed at his request for visitation. I do appreciate that the judge has done all in her power to keep this man out of my daughter’s life.

    My main problem is that it costs me money to block his requests. I will do what it takes, it just bothers me that he is even allowed to ask due to the nature of his crime.

    He is in federal prison, it is different than jail legally. He will be registered when he gets out and will have to live with his parents 2.5 hours away from my current residence. I have always planned to move south so I will most likely be out of state when he is released. He would not be permitted to cross state lines without violating his parol. I will be reporting any and every violation and have others (even in his own family) that will also be watching him.

    My X will never have my trust or any kind of good opinion. There is nothing he could ever do to convince me that he is a safe person.

  12. I have had this conversation with a victim’s right’s group. The legal system and the laws do not evolve around the victim at all. The victim is not even a second thought. They are built around the criminal, their crime and making sure they are not wrongly convicted or treated unfairly. This is why there are always people trying to add laws in to protect a victim because where you think it would be logical to protect victims,the laws just don’t exist.

  13. I’ve lost the link to your blog. I assume it was your blog. I remember the story. Could you post the link here pls?