One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #8

One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #8

A note from Tina: Every week I feature stories from other women who are in this battle.  One Mom’s Battle has many faces.  Part of my healing has come from connecting with these other women and sharing stories, giggles and tears.  I have found a tremendous support system through this blog and it has helped me to realize that I am not alone.  I call them the “Warrior Moms” and while I know there are also many men affected by Narcissists and Psychopaths, the vast majority of my interaction is with other brave women.  One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces –from all over the world.

Here is Face #8:

It’s been 3 years since I called it quits with my Narcissist. Reading your blog was like reading my life. How disturbed these NPD’s would be to know that they are literally scripted to be just like each other! They are not special, or unique in any way, actually. The karma of it all is quite funny to me now, actually.

I stayed married 3 years longer than I should have, fighting my way through therapy, watching him lie to and charm the therapist. Having him beg me to lie to our therapist, too. Because he was somewhat physically abusive. There were only a couple of instances, but he had a way of “keeping me in line” in other ways. He was a thrower. It started with remotes….then glasses…bowls, lamps. One night he slammed a door so hard it went through the frame. His answer was to punch it in half, tear it off the hinges and throw it down the stairs at me. He once threw a solid oak wood dining room chair at my head. It missed by inches and lodged in the wall. I still have that dining room set (I got all of the furniture in the house in the divorce) and that chair still has drywall caked on a couple of legs. I keep it that way as a reminder, honestly. I need to see that to remind me that I have it better now, no matter how bad he gets. Because the other reason I stayed those 3 years is because I truly thought that the only thing worse than being married to him would be to be divorced from him, knowing the living nightmare he would make my life.

I moved 30 minutes away from him in a modest house I could afford. My kids love it and are happy. He sold our 3 story mansion down there and moved into an even bigger house, on the lake with floor to ceiling windows, bought a boat and a golf cart…wait for it….IN MY SAME NEIGHBORHOOD. He now lives a football field away from me so he can be, you guessed it, “closer to the kids.” I’ve lived there two years, but now he is slowly but surely charming everyone to where they don’t know why I ever divorced him! I must be crazy! And even though he’s there to be closer to the kids…he doesn’t want to take my son to baseball practice or his friends house…not on HIS time! He is not a taxi service!!! Have you MET teenagers???? Wow. Nothing that would interfere with HIS plan, that’s for sure. It’s becoming abundantly clear to me that once my youngest son graduates high school in 3 years? I will sell this house and move far from here. It makes me sad because he has now destroyed my place, my refuge, the one thing that was mine…the first house I ever bought BY MYSELF! He’s wiped it all away. But he doesn’t understand my hurt or anger about this, he wants us to be friends. He doesn’t understand why we don’t talk anymore? When he consistently and continually twists my words into things I never said (I, too, have started recording), and continues to trash my friends.

I have been accused of being bitter, overly obsessed with my ex….but really? I don’t want to be mad anymore. I sure as hell don’t want to be bitter. It’s not who I am. I’m just so damn tired of thinking about him at all. I hope I get there, I really do.

So just thanks, I guess, now that I’ve blathered on, for putting this out there and letting all of us know that we’re not alone. That we’re not crazy. And shining a light on this ever so troubling disorder.  With love for your continued success and happiness…R


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5 Responses

  1. Am so sorry. Was involved with more than one narcissist and have a parent as another. Seems you can’t ever escape them no matter how far you go.

    Still have a scar on my arm from my mother tossing stoneware plates at me. I’d had a serious tragedy months before, and she forced me home and took to her bed. I was just over 18, broke and suffering from all too public sexual assault. All these many years later, she, who has been dying for the last 48 years, is still alive. She refuses to see the wreckage she created and will, if given a chance, make trouble for me still.
    I was involved with one and finally realized why he seemed so “familiar”.

  2. Omg…I am so sorry. I can completely understand how it feels to loose your new happy place. They truly are not unique or special, they are sick and evil. My NPD broke into my house and raped me in my new bed at my new house, his way of pissing on my stuff like a dog. I was too afraid to report it and he threatened to tell my parents about some childhood abuse. He then kept stopping by and I kept turning him down so when I was home one day at lunch I found him hiding in my basement, he said he had placed video equipment in my bedroom to catch who I was sleeping with since I would not with him….sick and evil. I finally got brave enough and called the police….my first mistake….he was only charged with trespassing, he told the police we were intimate and I was over reacting…he got a small fine. I could go on forever. I too am waiting for a son to graduate and then I am moving away…far away. I am going to have to leave a huge extended family and friends but I need my sanity more. Good luck to you and your children.

  3. Hey R,
    I get everyone wondering “why I ever divorced him I must be crazy.” Part of the crazy for those of us who know why we divorced them are those moments when we think to ourselves, he must be great if everyone else thinks so, there must be something wrong with me for not seeing it, and then our children come home from a court mandated visit!!! I do not want to burst anyone’s bubble, I know some people who have grown children with a Narcissist X (parent). The N if they have not crushed their and your spirit while the children were young, it appears that they will keep trying to do so. Moving away helps, but not if they stalk/harass/torment you (and use the court to help them)and say the reason is to be closer to the kids, or work or whatever. That stinks that he did that to you and the kids. I love your attention to the humor of the irony in the “cookie cutter” component of Ns. Thanks for sharing.

  4. KJ,
    That’s awful. I am sorry that you have had to endure such torment at the hands of your abuser. Praise the Lord you had the courage to report him to the police. It seems that when you “call them out” to an extent and shine a light on their behavior and bring it to the attention of others, whether he dismisses and disregards it or the police does, or no one believes it, he is accountable to the extent that he knows you are not going to take it anymore. The truth sets us free! No one can take that away. I pray continued courage and protection for you. Stay strong!

  5. Thanks for your support, ladies.

    It seems literally everyone thinks it’s strange he moved into my neighborhood except for him. Even his “friends” have told me so. (I use this term loosely because we all know NPDs can’t really have friends. They just have people to witness their awesomeness.)

    On one of his visits with the kids, they were nearby and my son needed a shower after baseball so they stopped by the house. K waited for him, and just so happened to use my computer while he was waiting. He found pictures of me and a guy I wasn’t even seeing anymore (there were only two pictures, in a non-obvious place, he HAD to be looking, and it was just he and I cheesing for the camera. Nothing obscene). I later realized he EMAILED them to himself. Told me later they would be evidence of my cheating (the pictures were taken 3 months after our divorce was final).

    Then he stalked that guy and his friends threatening their jobs (one of them works in the same industry)…told him he would RUIN him in the job world if he didn’t give him all of the information he wanted. We deliberately told that friend nothing from the minute we started seeing each other because of that very reason. We knew he would go after people if he found out about us. And we weren’t even doing anything wrong??

    I have often wondered if my ex hid cameras in my house. I try not to think about it, really….otherwise I’ll get too freaked out.