One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #7

One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #7

A note from Tina:

Every week I feature stories from other women who are in this battle.  One Mom’s Battle has many faces.  Part of my healing has come from connecting with these other women and sharing stories, giggles and tears.  I have found a tremendous support system through this blog and it has helped me to realize that I am not alone.  I call them the “Warrior Moms” and while I know there are also many men affected by Narcissists and Psychopaths, the vast majority of my interaction is with other brave women.  One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces –from all over the world.

Here is Face #7- Not a Mom but She is a Warrior

Tina- I don’t know how I landed on your blog yesterday but somehow I did, and I’ve read almost every section (I think).  It’s inspiring to see how open you are with sharing your story, I know it is not an easy one to share.  I just wanted to thank you for sharing yourself and helping other women feel (including me) that we are not alone in leaving a narcissistic relationship.

I’m 30 years old and have had my fair share of dealing with narcissism. My mother was my first narcissistic relationship. It’s very hard for me to have a close, nurturing relationship with her as she is still unaware of her behavior, and it’s not fun to constantly be criticized, belittled and so on.

I never really realized how much my mom impacted my life until my relationship with a narcissistic male ended. For two years, he constantly squashed my desires, my happiness, my dreams and my goals. I busted my ass through college and was resilient with every loss that has came my way, only for him to continue finding ways to bash everything. His happiness came from making me miserable.

My first day at a new job, he broke up with me and disappeared for two weeks. On the very day I started another job, my dog suspiciously ingested Lysol and died -he blamed this on me.  I didn’t answer my cell phone during the work day and he didn’t know what to do with a sick dog…somehow Google or calling the vet never occurred to him. Stealing money, lying, cheating, making up stories about his lies, and making up stories about my infidelities (lies).

I don’t know who I was (or who I became) in the two years I dated him. Why did I put up with this from him?  He constantly asked for my hand in marriage, and my gut always said no. I knew something wasn’t right and that this relationship was not anywhere near my ideal image of an intimately loving relationship. I’m proud that I always said no. We were 25 years old- too young and too broke, just out of college and not ready. The last straw was when he came home late one night, and accused me of sleeping around with co-workers at a holiday party. He grabbed a glass of water and poured it all over me because my level of alertness and response didn’t measure up to his standards. As much as I wanted to become enraged and violent, I quietly got out of bed, changed clothes and dragged his body out of my bedroom.

I left the apartment a few days later with a friend’s help and have never looked back. Two months after I left, I heard he became engaged to his ex-girlfriend, and all I feel is utter sympathy for her and for what she will have to endure. It has been about 4 years since I have been in a relationship. I am continuing therapy and hoping to rebuild my trust in myself and in others so that I will be ready for the love and the life that I deserve. I am incredibly grateful that I noticed something was not right with him, and I’m grateful I listened to my gut to say “no” to marriage.

When I read your blog and the struggles you are going through with your daughters, I imagine that my life may have turned into that.  Your plight is not easy, and I know how mentally/emotionally/monetarily frustrating it can be. There are so many women who go through this every day, and I hope they somehow land on your blog and learn they are not alone. You are strong, insightful and an amazing parent to your daughters. I hope they realize when they are older, how much you care and fight for the best for them.


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2 Responses

  1. After filing volunteer papers for mediation and having my ex narc husband not comply, I requested a court ordered mediation. Today I received the information and a date has been set for August 23rd to meet with the mediator. Do you or does anybody else have any advice for me? I have been divorced for 7 years now. The current visitation schedule is that my ex is suppose to give me 30 days notice of the 2 weekends he wants to take the kids. This never happens. Everybody keeps telling me as long as his short notice doesn’t ruin any plans, that I should let the kids decide what they want to do. You can only imagine how the narc uses this to his advantage. Basically my ex narc uses his work schedule as an excuse. What he really is doing is waiting on his girlfriend’s work schedule. Then whatever time he has left after that, he gives to his children. I am hoping mediation will help so that I can get a set visitation schedule in place with my ex narc. Until that happens … his scheduling is controlling mine. I know I can’t make this about me when we are in mediation … so any advice on how to approach this would be helpful. I am sure my ex narc is going to play every card he has … and he is a great actor too. I know he is pissed that I am doing this and has already threatened me & told me he is going to fight like hell to make sure nothing gets changed. My ex has had me so stressed over the past several years. I can completely tune him out. Where the stress comes into play is when he does things that I know are effecting my kids in a negative way. I worry that they will end up with some of his traits. They have shared some concerning things with me. I was recently diagnosed with adrenal fatigue … which I believe is in large part to the amount of stress in my life. I need to make some serious changes & learn how to turn the stress off before it gets the best of me. I am so physically & emotionally exhausted. Not sure how much fight I have left in me or how to make this problem go away. The first time I read your blog & “After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love” Facebook page …. I cried. It was the first time in 7 years that my feelings were validated. I don’t feel like my therapist, pastor, friends or family have ever been able to understand … but I know there are others that “get it”.

  2. I am going to post this on the “One Mom’s Battle” facebook page- hopefully we can get some others to chime in.