One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #17

One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #17

Note from Tina: Each week I hear from more and more people who were once victims of a Narcissist, Sociopath or other Cluster B Personality Disorder.  One Mom’s Battle has many faces and its my honor to share them with you.  My healing comes from sharing my story and from hearing your stories.  There is power in numbers and our numbers are growing.  It is my hope that this little “village” will be one strong voice which provides education to our court system and most importantly, brings change to our Family Court System. 

One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: Here is Face #17

Tina, I am so thankful for your blog. You are an inspiration to all of us going through similar situations.

I have been divorced since 2005 and in and out of family court since.  My ex is definitely a N probably combined with other disorders, but his is clouded with prescription drug abuse. The court system is so complicated and time consuming. I am bankrupt from paying attorneys and not receiving child support. I ran out of money when I hired an expensive attorney, who told me she would do whatever it took to protect my child, now 11. We were going to trial and the Judge said he would make me bring in doctors to prove my ex had mental health/ drug issues, and to plan on spending another $30,000. (even though I have proof he overdosed 2x in 2009, was hospitalized, and diagnosed with substance abuse disorder, and bipolar).

The Judge told us to find a parent coordinator because he felt even if he made a ruling on visitation, I would only be back again to change it. We have an agreement with a parent coordinator but the ex said he couldn’t afford to retain her services. I filed a contempt for him not contacting the parent coordinator, and have a court date in January. I am left with an agreement that gives him visits 2 weekdays and every other weekend (just days, 10-7).  This is more than visits than he had before I hired the expensive attorney.

My ex has our son craving his attention.  He loves it and thrives on it.  Most people in the ex’s life have cut him out so he only has my son.  Every visit is a problem.  He always asks for extended times, and has my son call to ask me to sleepover, even though its not allowed.  I let my son call just so he doesn’t have to say no to his father and get mentally abused for not wanting to stand up to me.  He encourages my son to stand up to me, and tells him he is proud of him for doing it.  When I don’t let him stay longer he punishes my son by telling him how much fun he is going to have with his girlfriends son, after he leaves.

The ex now has no job, his vehicle was repossessed, and he lives in his girlfriends basement.  He thinks he is going to be discovered as a musician.  He plays on the streets in the city, collecting money in his guitar case. Lately, the visits consist of my son video taping him playing guitar at the girlfriends house…so creepy.  He tortures our child by telling him how wonderful it was when we were married, all the fun things we did, and how much money we had.  He continuously breaks our son’s heart by not going to important events. Ex doesn’t do anything that isn’t going to benefit him. My son can’t enjoy himself because he’s so preoccupied with Dad not being there, as promised.

Ex is in jail right now for not paying child support. My son is very sad for him.  When he gets out he will tell him it was all my fault and how horrible I am. Ex’s girlfriend is not letting him go back so he will have no place to go.  I’m almost afraid of where he will be living, for my son.  I could go on and on. I look forward to reading your blog and for support. I really need it, and I know there are others out there in similar situations.  Most people cant possibly understand what we are dealing with. Thank you Tina!


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2 Responses

  1. My ex does the same thing with my older son, having him call me to ask if he can stay longer, meanwhile, dad has nothing to do with our younger son. Or he tells my older son that he can decide what he wants to do, if the son wants to let me know that he’s stying longer, he can, or not. But dad certainly isn’t going to talk to me. He hates me.
    Everyting is my fault to – wanting child support, wanting a schedule for visitation, etc. Everything I do or want, that normal people think is within reason is ‘really detrimental to his mental health’. Seriously. What a nut job.
    I feel your pain and heartache with this situation. All we can do is love our kids no matter what – and keep our heads up. Eventually, things will get better. Its taken a while, but my older son is really starting to see his dad for the controlling, manipulative, bully that he really is…and your son will see it too.

  2. I think in the state of California if you do your own divorce it cost $800., $1,000. at the most, regardless of income(mostly). When attorneys are involved and the divorce is somewhat amicable with custody and asset issues(considerably large amounts or not) the cost maybe $5,000., maybe $10,000. I totally agree that our family court system lacks the knowledge regarding the issues we and our children deal with and how to deal with them. But I also think there needs to be a cap on the cost of divorce. There should be considerable fines and jail time for any attorney who exceeds that cap. It might not solve the problem entirely, but it could be a good start. Attorneys need to be held accountable for the cost of service-not us, not our children. The family court system is run like mafia, with a bunch of extortionist deciding the fate of our children. We should not have to pay money to defend ourselves to our own attorney. My first attorney told me when someone walks through her doors and tells her that they do not want their X to get a dime and that they will pay her every cent to make sure that happens, my attorney told me she is “happy to oblige.” I think we can all agree that most attorneys have an affinity towards that sentiment. Since that is not what I wanted(my NX did and she knew it!) I did not think anything of it, and did not realize my attorney’s con before she misrepresented me and mishandled my case almost beyond repair. It would be so nice to put these kind of people OUT OF BUSINESS of destroying lives.