One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #12

One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #12

A note from Tina: It’s hard to believe that I ever felt alone in this battle.  Each week I hear from more and more people who were once victims of a Narcissist, Sociopath or other Cluster B Personality Disorder.  One Mom’s Battle has many faces and its my honor to share them with you.  My healing comes from journaling my story and from connecting with all of you.  There is power in numbers and our numbers are growing.   

One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces–from all over the world.

Here is Face #12: Katie

Tina- I follow your blog religiously, and have read every entry. Thank you for sharing your story; you are helping women everywhere who often feel alone in their battles – connecting to a human being who is going through the same thing can be life changing.

My story in a nutshell:  I was with a narcissistic man for almost a year and a half, and although my journey was short lived and less complicated compared to others, it changed my life. When my counselor casually said the word “narcissistic” in the middle of a sentence during one of my sessions I made a mental note to “Google” that when I got home.  I had heard the word but didn’t know the real meaning – I thought it just meant “selfish”. That was just over a year ago and I’ve researched this, read many articles and blogs on the topic to help me understand why this happened to me, and to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

A little about me: I have two kids, my daughter is now 15 and my son 11. Thank GOD I didn’t have children with this man, although he kept trying to convince me to. I am 34, very nice (to a fault), and I am also very independent. I have a great job (been there 11 years), had my own home, and raised my kids. The ex and I get along great, and have never been to court. We still do holidays together for the kids. I left him after 8 years wanting “more” amongst other reasons. I wanted someone worldly, and passionate like you see in the movies.

Chuck: What an awful name right? Let’s call him Up-Chuck. He was so very charming, funny, intelligent, and “fell in love” very fast. He was manipulative and I was naive…our relationship moved faster than I would ever usually allow myself to surrender to. My whole world had to revolve around him, always putting him first. I actually found myself putting my children on the back burner just to please him and not fight. This is NOT who I am! Over the course of our relationship he moved in to my house, and I started uncovering the lies: about money, where his time was spent, where he had lived before me. He did not have a driver’s license due to too many DUI’s (but still drove). He lied about his court dates. Confronting him with any of this, I’d normally walk away from the fight admitting that I was the one in the wrong. How did he do that!?!

I started believing that I was crazy, that he was so wonderful and smart and everyone loved him and I was “no one” without him. I’m a pretty stubborn person and have always stood up for myself – I’m fairly normal, have never been depressed, suicidal, or “crazy.” But I actually secretly started cutting myself during my relationship with Up-Chuck. I cringe as I write this, because a couple years ago I would have rolled my eyes at someone who said these things. What a roller coaster this was.

My daughter hated him, and she didn’t want him to buy her things. Since she didn’t worship him, he eventually just pretended that she didn’t exist for the most part. It was awful. He kept telling me behind closed doors how spoiled she is, and disrespectful…just because she’d ask if she could change the channel. Arguing with him was like arguing with a team of skilled prosecutors! So I’d eventually do what it took to not argue.

Just a few of the red flags that I see now, and that I will look for in the future:

  • Calling numerous times (like 50?!?) in a row, leaving several voicemails…stopping by when I wouldn’t answer.
  • Wanting me to quit softball (I’ve played co-ed on the same team for years) and spend more time with him since “my kids took up most of my time.”
  • Doing things to purposely hurt me when I didn’t “obey” his needs (calling his ex-girlfriend when I refused to “talk things out” with him one night).
  • Lying (even about the stupidest things) – when caught, he’d turn it around on me.
  • He was condescending to his friends and co-workers.
  • Moved way too fast in a relationship, wanted to “possess” me.
  • My friends hated him, and he hated them.
  • Eventually I became isolated from my family, lying to them about how my life really was.

Those are just a few, as you know, I could go on forever. Up-Chuck and I worked at the same company and about 2 months after the relationship ended he was fired for harassing me. I was called in to Corporate Security and walked to my car that day by an officer. The funny thing is, I didn’t even tell on him, I was too scared! It was other people who went to HR regarding his behavior. Just a couple examples: 421 emails in 4 days’ time from him (over 2000 in a month), standing outside the building waiting for me, leaving things on my desk (I worked on a different floor). I couldn’t even do my job. I felt “frozen,” scared, and couldn’t think clearly. He’d email and say “you have a horse face, and no one will want you again.” Then he’d email and apologize, and say that I hurt him so bad and it made him lash out and say things he didn’t mean. GOSH!

You are 100% correct in keeping things business like. I’m so glad I did that at work since 6 months of emails were pulled. I would simply say “please stop emailing.” But he’d lure me back in with promises to pay me back all the money he stole, and for the jewelry of mine that he pawned. I lost my home because of him, lost my perfect credit. I rent now, and am happy as pie…but I will never put myself through that again.

I would do anything to help or support someone who is dealing with an N in their life. I’d love to scream from the top of buildings about this disorder! Everyone should know! I have taught my children about NPD, and hope that they stay clear of N’s in the future. -Katie


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3 Responses

  1. Wow. Thank you so much for telling your story. I am way too familiar with all of your red flags!

  2. Hi I found your site through Paula. I’m sorry for what you went through it’s truly awful. I was raised by a narcissist. I am the only one in my family that has ever seen the abuse therefore I am the black sheep. I used to think I was crazy and wrong. The father always turned things back on me and made it my fault. I am now 41 and am basically in hiding. I have to use a pseudo name online so they don’t find me. They no longer no where I live or have any way of reaching me. I am in intense therapy to pick up the pieces of my life. He made me into someone who self loathes, who is full of fear and guilt. There is so much. At least now I know it isn’t me and it never was. None of it is my fault. I blog about it and other abuse that I’ve been through. Thank you so much for telling your story. This kind of abuse seem to go unnoticed in this world and people need a wake up call. The mother has been with the father for over 40 years and she has almost died on more than one occasion as it was inconvenient for him to allow her the medical care she needed. She still doesn’t see it.

  3. Zoe- Welcome to my blog. My goal is to protect my daughters from the type of childhood that you had. I am so incredibly sorry for what you’ve been through and I am so glad that you escaped. I have a strong opinion on blood having NOTHING to do with family. Some of my best friends are closer to me than many in my family. I embrace the healthy family members and feel no obligation to the others– I make my own family with positive, healthy people. Life is too short to settle for less. (((HUGS)))