One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #11

One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces: #11

A note from Tina: It’s hard to believe that I ever felt alone in this battle.  Each week I hear from more and more people who were once victims of a Narcissist, Sociopath or other Cluster B Personality Disorder.  One Mom’s Battle has many faces and its my honor to share them with you.  My healing comes from journaling my story and from connecting with all of you.  There is power in numbers and our numbers are growing.   

One Mom’s Battle Has Many Faces–from all over the world.

Here is Face #11

My X swept me off my feet. Treated me like a princess and wanted to only give me the best of everything. Red flags? Wow, looking back on it now there were too many to count. For the life of me I can’t figure out why I didn’t see these red flags, maybe it is part of the narcissistic charm and hypnotic trance they put us in. We married in 2006 and had our daughter in 2009. I knew that he took steroids and sold steroids, but told me he would stop because he never wanted our child to hear bad things about him.

About the time I became pregnant, I learned that my X was abusing prescription pain killers. As the pregnancy went on the drug problem worsened. The pregnancy and birth of our daughter was challenging… birth defect, premature delivery, weeks in the NICU and lung surgery. Maybe the escalated drug use was an escape for him? Regardless, it was the downfall of our marriage. The money that he was spending on drugs was getting out of control. I needed to pay the mortgage and there was $3,000 missing from our bank account. I begged, pleaded and cried for him to go to rehab. He promised he could quit on his own. Then when our daughter was 17 months old, he had an affair. Initially he denied it and thought he would/could get away with it. I was willing to stand by his side to help him into recovery for drug addiction, but the affair was too much. It was at this time that I learned he was also doing cocaine.

The things I went through were unreal. I thought I was living someone else’s life. The person who was doing crazy things and saying unbelievable things to me was NOT the man I fell in love with and married. I thought I was just dealing with drug addict behavior until my counselor talked to me about narcissism. The web of lies still makes my head spin. It’s been 1 ½ years since the divorce and I’m still learning things about him that I never knew. I just found out that he was having a long term affair with an ex-girlfriend before I got pregnant. My entire marriage was a lie. It’s hard not to feel like an idiot, but I find comfort in knowing he fooled everyone, not just me. I recently gave up expectations of him turning his life around and becoming a drug free, responsible father who has a part in supporting his daughter’s upbringing. As weird as it sounds, I feel better after giving up that hope. I know that he will likely lie to her and disappoint her, but I will be there to pick up the pieces every time.

I came from a broken family and this is the last thing I wanted for my child. He continually throws it in my face and claims I’m doing what my dad did to my mom, that I’m trying to keep him from seeing his daughter. This is very disrespectful considering  both my parents are deceased. He thinks he knows what happened in my childhood, but he has made up his own version in his head . The truth is I am doing opposite of what happened to me as a child. I want her to have a relationship with him and I will not say bad things to her about him. It will be for her to learn and decide on her own.

He is not allowed overnights with our daughter and only sees her a few hours at a time, 3 days a week. He hasn’t worked since February 2011. He doesn’t pay court ordered child support. He lives a very comfortable life, living for free in a house purchased by his mother, he sells drugs to make money. He threatens to take me to court for more custody and child support modification. Part of me thinks that he won’t because he knows his real lifestyle may come out and he would probably get all his rights taken away, but on the other hand he thinks he can get away with anything, because he has and does. He has no consequences to his actions, no responsibilities, and he thinks that he deserves all that he desires.

I know that court is in our future in order to protect my daughter. I’m concerned the ‘system’ will let us down. It already feels like the ‘system’ gives him more rights than me. I wish I could afford a private investigator and attorney. I worry every time he has her that he is doing a drug deal with her in the car, or that someone he has screwed over or owes money to will go after him while my daughter is with him, or worse yet hurt my daughter to get even with him. If I could do it all over again I would have pursued supervised visitations during the divorce.

Finding Tina and One Mom’s Battle has been the turning point for me in this entire ordeal. I found strength, confidence, and peace from listening and learning from all the warrior moms. I will never give up and I will always fight for my daughter’s safety and happiness. It’s nice to know I have many people by side during the battle who truly understand.


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2 Responses

  1. Another example of how tina and her website save so many of us when we feel completely beat down. I know that when I get an email notification of a new post I feel all of a sudden a calmness. I always save them for the end of the day, like a dessert before bed. Her words, your words, all of the words give sanity and hope in gut wrentching battles for our children. Thank you all.