Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Done Being a Victim

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Done Being a Victim


When does it end?  That is a question that I ask myself often.  It’s a question that my loved ones ask of me.  It’s a loaded question.  I have accepted that until my daughters are grown; the battle will never completely end. I have accepted that.

I want to clarify one thing: Acceptance doesn’t mean allowing myself to be victimized. It does allow me to set personal boundaries and have a plan in place of how I am going to react to things as they come up.   I am done being a victim.  I get to choose my reaction and I get to decide how each new event will affect me.

The real question is when does this end or where does it go from here?  Over the past five months, I have opened a window into my life.  I have gone back in time and written my story for the world to read.  I continue to write my story as it unfolds.  I have experienced healing, knowledge and new friendships.  While unexpected, lots of good has come from the rubble of my divorce and custody battle.

There are a few websites and Facebook sites that I follow which pertain to NPD.  One such Facebook page is After Narcissistic Abuse- There is Light, Life and Love.  I reader posed a good question which appeared on their Facebook page today:

I am reaching a point where I feel my healing has progressed to a point where even discussing anything narcissist is keeping some shred of thought of her in my mind.  When is the right time to let go of a narc by taking the step of not even discussing them on forums?  At what point do we draw the line with having been involved with a narcissist? Is it when we feel safe enough to heed the narcissist in everyday life? Is it when we’re over the hurt, pain & grieving?  Is it when we’re finally able to go No Contact without them dragging us into court with their lies / battle for control?

My thoughts:

I have pondered this topic often.  I don’t allow this topic to consume my life– it is shelved for my blog and my Facebook page. I feel like I can help others who are walking in my former shoes. I remember the desperation and feelings of isolation– while I had a huge network of friends, not one person could understand what I was going through. Everyone said the same thing, “Why can’t you two just put the kids first and get along“…that simple statement caused my pain and isolation to increase 100 times over.  I cringed as the same question was asked of Christie Brinkley on the Today Show.  People have no idea what it is like and victims are met with harsh judgement.  The idea of helping others who feel isolated and alone is worth letting this topic occupy a small place on my shelf.

Not an entire shelf — a place on a shelf. 

What next?

  • I will continue to blog and to share my story as it develops.
  • I am writing a book to help others who have fallen victim to a Narcissist.
  • I will continue to help other women with advice and inspiration as needed.
  • I will work to ensure that my experiences in the court system were not in vain.  I will work to ensure that your experiences in the court system were not in vain.  I will work to spread awareness, educate the media, the public and eventually the Family Court System.
  • I will continue to be the voice for my daughters until they are able to defend themselves.
  • I will continue to smile, live in gratitude and have faith that I was given this life because I was strong enough to live it.

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7 Responses

  1. I love your six points. Thank you for not giving up – which is so easy to do.

    Just one comment – the battle doesn’t end when your daughters are grown. My oldest daughter is 25. Her father still threatens, lies and manipulates; there is no age limit for the narcissist!

  2. Twyla- You are right. My court battles may end but the Mamma Bear fight doesn’t. I feel lucky that I understand this disease so early in their lives– it allows me to help them set boundaries and develop their own voice.

  3. This forum is so important for mother’s such as myself that are fighting this battle everyday. It gives insight and courage that is used on a daily basis. If I was aware of this site around this time last year, I would have handled things in a much calmer way – instead of using my heart I would have used my head. Now that I have resources to understand his disease; what makes him tick – I handle him much better.

    I went to court yesterday on the OSC that I filed last week. He lied saying that I was following the babysitter. Ugh! Thank goodness the judge didn’t fall for it. But it was reinforced that if he is not able to watch the children – they have to come to me. Especially, if he leaves the country! And it was memorialized on paper thank God.

    I am at the same point as the fellow that posted that question. I am ready to continue living a wonderful live withouth him and not allowing him to dictate my emotions anymore! And I am ready to continue being an advocate for my children always!

  4. Eva- First, I am so happy for your revised order. I said a prayer for you yesterday and was hoping for a positive update. 🙂

    That is the key– using your head instead of your heart. It takes work to shift the way we are accustomed to dealing with people (from the heart) to dealing with a Narc. They aren’t worth your heart OR energy. Period.

    Cheers to you!!! Tina 🙂

  5. Thank you Tina!!!!

    I think when the Narc sees that they no longer occupy space in our hearts and in our mind, that is when they loose it. They try to regain control by lashing out and attempting to pull us under with them. My ex tries all the time. One of the items memorialized on paper was “no disseminating of each other on public social networking sites”. I heard he was still at it. But guess what? That is ALL he has! So let him. He’ll burn himself out eventually!

    I was suppose to pick up my children Sunday. Shortly after court yesterday, he asked me to pick my children up Saturday instead! OF COURSE I WILL!!!

  6. That was the hardest part for me; realizing that divorce didn’t mean “the end.” And accepting that was huge in changing my reaction to things. So congrats on reaching that place!

  7. Thank you, Tina! It is wonderful to watch you decide that even though you have ‘conquered’ the battle in protecting your girls – that you have so much more to continue to offer others in the same situation. You are an inspiration to me, particularly in the court system – which seems to be such a crap shoot. It’s heartwarming to know that there is hope. I will be with you there on most of the same quests as you – helping others, building awareness, advocating for changes to our system, and also in learning more about the effects of narcissism on others such that many others have the data that they need to make clear choices about leaving narcissistic relationships, and fighting for their children to be protected from it as well. God bless you!