Divorcing a Narcissist: Forgiving Yourself

Divorcing a Narcissist: Forgiving Yourself

We’ve ALL made mistakes.  I don’t believe in regrets because I see all mistakes as opportunities to learn.  The key is to learn and not repeat the same mistake again.

“The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and over again and expecting different results”.  The origin of this quote is interesting and has been pinned to several notable people however, my research shows that the first time it was ever used was in literature from Narcotics Anonymous.  Wherever the quote originated from, I love it.

One thing that I pick up on is the guilt that I hear from women who fell for men with Narcissist Personality Disorder.

Here are my thoughts on the topic: we all have some type of past baggage whether it be from a horrific childhood to parents who gave you everything.  It could be from a childhood best friend who wronged you or the bullies on the playground.  I have always committed myself to looking at the mistakes I’ve made and analyzing the “hows and whys” of each situation.  This commitment allows me to avoid making the same mistake twice.  I’ve also learned (over time) to tune into the “ah ha!” moments and to listen to my inner voice or gut feeling.

Narcissists have a way of honing in on your “wound”, whatever it may be and morphing themselves into your band-aid.  They are charming, charismatic and they sell you on a world that seems too good to be true.  The theory is great but the problem is that world only exists in their mind.  It can take weeks to see their lies unraveling or it can take years.  There are yellow flags, orange flags and red flags.  In the past, I ignored each flag because I wanted to believe the best in him.  I wanted to believe that he really was who he claimed to be.  I didn’t understand Narcissism or that a person could truly be this sick.

One of the topics that I hope to tackle in my new book is this:

How did an intelligent, strong, independent woman fall prey to this man?  What is wrong with you?

My goal is to share my story- how I became involved with this man.  The red flags that I saw in the beginning but swept under the rug due to his charm.  He was charming 75% of the time and I chose to ignored the other 25%.  Unfortunately, the percentages began to shift until the red flags far outweighed the positive, charismatic side of him.  I want to give hope to someone in the same situation because I was able to escape and by all accounts, I have educated myself, become empowered and aside from this hellish custody battle, I am thriving.  My goal is to educate the general public, the media and the Family Court System.

Forgive yourself. I did.

You aren’t the first person to fall for this type of person and unfortunately, you won’t be the last.  If we continue to share our stories and our experiences, we will educate the next generation of women (and men) on Sociopaths and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

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4 Responses

  1. Thank you so much for posting this. I really needed it today! I am finally beginning to forgive myself and realize that I wasn’t a complete idiot for getting myself and my daughter into that relationship. I was fooled and I ignored things and was a little too optimistic that things would just work themselves out.

  2. Yes, Tina. The power is in Forgiveness and Truth and Love. At the root of Why? for me in part, I did not know my worth. For me I sought value in the way most of us do, defined by certain people in our lives many who have mistreated us, deeds and ways of being, but it was not until I saw myself through the eyes of a Savior that I was able to do what it is you are talking about here. I praise God for my children, without them I probably would have continued to believe the lies, but it was for their sake that I decided to do and believe differently. I still have work to do, of course, but prayerfully the Lord has set a path for them that allows them to be divinely defined and valued for the treasures they are, the treasures we all are. Thank you Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you! The truth always sets us free. Thanks again Tina for such great wisdom 🙂 Be blessed.

  3. AA has used that quote also for many many years. I remember being told that every day by my sponsor. But I know it did not originate in the rooms (either set lol). But yes the ah ha moments when they come. They swoop down and hit you square in the face. Sometimes they hurt and sometimes they bring waves of relief. Your many faces post on Oct 18 gave me a slight ah ha or as I call them lightbulb moment. Your writings and the many stories you share give me many of these lightbulb moments. Too bad I can’t turn the power on at the courthouses and have these judges see these lightbulbs as well. Oh how refreshing that would be 🙂