Divorcing a Narcissist: Unsupervised Visits Reinstated (again)

Divorcing a Narcissist: Unsupervised Visits Reinstated (again)

Coin flipping or heads or tails is the practice of throwing a coin in the air to choose between two alternatives, sometimes to resolve a dispute between two parties. It is a form of sortition which inherently has only two possible and equally likely outcomes. -Wikipedia

I am starting to think that “Heads” means supervised visits are in order and “Tails” means that we will try unsupervised visits and hope that the children aren’t harmed in the process. There is no other rhyme or reason to what is happening.  The attorney who helped me today said that she reviewed our file and the decisions are all over the place.

Using a coin to settle a dispute is just dandy except that there are two children involved here.  I am disgusted by today’s outcome.  Basically, there was no solid proof that the X was sleeping or hungover when the girls almost drowned– his word against mine.  I was basically told that the girls should take swimming lessons.  My attorney asked that the order be written stating that my youngest daughter should be in a life jacket at all times due to her seizure disorder.  The Commissioner declined that request and said that he isn’t going to “micro-manage these children’s lives- what time they eat dinner, go to bed, etc”.  The Commissioner then stated that, “X would have to live with himself if anything happened to the children” or something along those lines.

With that last statement by the Commissioner, I mentally checked out of the courtroom.  I couldn’t believe that he said that.  It further shows that the courts do NOT understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  He (the X) doesn’t care about the children– he cares about winning this case.  We all walked out of the court room and within 2 seconds of stepping foot in the hallway, the X started spewing about my blog and how it is ruining his family’s reputation.  He wasn’t excited about getting to see his daughters without supervision– he was upset that his family secrets are being exposed.

Let me (try to) understand this.  My children almost drowned in a swimming pool less than a month ago while in their fathers ‘care’.  On May 30th, the Commissioner felt that (based on the evidence), supervised visits were in order.  My X never attempted to see the children during the past four weeks and then called our home drunk on Father’s Day.  Now, three weeks later he is fit to have them without supervision?

At this point, I plan to bring additional attention (media) to my case and others.  Change needs to be made.  People should not have rights that supersede the safety and well-being of their children merely because they have the ability to reproduce.  I am interested in starting a non-profit agency so if you have suggestions or resources on where to begin, please send them to me at Tina@thePRdiva.com.  I am going to take a few days to catch my breath and re-group.  After that, I plan to begin making changes.

24 Responses

  1. i am so sorry … i am at a loss for words and my heart sunk but unfortunately it is no surprise what the commisioner said… our judge said something similar . that if the children were to get hurt no one would feel worse than their father. it seems like the most ridiculous statement because if these parents cared so much they would never put these children in this position. i will hold you and your daughters and their safety in my thoughts. again i am so sorry

  2. I am so sorry. I live in fear that all the progress we have made in my case will crumble when we go back to court in August (and a few months after that). I very much want to help other women in this position, but I don’t know how. I don’t have the finances to even fight my own fight. Somehow I piece it together as I go. I’m not a business owner with a lot of expert knowledge and advice, but I am a mother that is struggling to be understood. I believe wholeheartedly that the system needs to change. I am so frustrated. Granted, my case is in a pretty good place right now, but I know that it can change in the blink of an eye.

  3. Thank you. It’s such a horrible position to be in. I dread telling my daughters today that they have to see him without a supervisor. A “normal” father would feel horrible if something happened to his child– not a Narcissist. That’s it exactly– if he gave a rat’s arse about his daughters, he wouldn’t put them in harms way.

  4. Tina,
    I am proud of you for not letting this slow you down and it is hard to have to confront ignorance, misunderstanding, justice and what feels like disregard for what is truly important. We are not that way for our children’s sake, thank you Lord. This may be a speed bump in the road perhaps making it seem for now like a longer road to travel. You are right, there is a purpose for everything, but in faith, it sounds like you will take that necessary brief momentary leap over it and regain the focus of being the best mom that you know that you are and trusting God with the rest. Seek the blessing, it is there, somewhere! Take extra care today and I will be praying extra prayers today for you and the girls.

  5. Oh Hun, I can only imagine what you are going through. I have linked you to my own website. My story is very similar to yours, only we didnt have kids together, but I sadly helped him fight for his kids when I realize now his wife was protecting them from him. I researched the term Parental Alienation Syndrome and fought his court case for him. I didnt realize till it was too late that he suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They are emotional vampires and only care about themselves and the win. Have you done much research on the Borderline as well? They go hand in hand. When you add them together, they are considered Sociopathic. I learned the hard way too. My blog starts at the bottom and works its way up. Your website has helped me tremendously and I hope mine helps you as well. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful children. Again, my site for anyone interested or think they are in mine or your shoes can read it…myemotionalvampire.blogspot.ca

  6. I can’t believe the decision that was made. My head won’t stop shaking. But Tina, DO NOT for any reason give up the work that you are doing. It is is great work. In Panama, we have a saying. The first one is: “nothing before its time”. The second one is “give them enough rope to hang themselves”. It all will turn around, and in the favor of your daughters.

  7. It’s obvious that the court is not taking NPD seriously. What I find interesting is that Sandusky attoneys are using Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) as his defense in an attempt to get a NG by reason of insanity verdict, or something. But Cluster B disorders like HPD, NPD, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Antisocial Personality Disorder overlap eachother and often co-exist with sociopathy/psychopathy. They call this co-morbid conditions. I think you should watch the Sandusky case VEY closely (as disgusting as that sounds) and steal what the defense is using as a prosecution approach for spouses like yours. It’s clear he suffers from NPD and sociopathy, in my opinion. NPD alone is not a condition suited for a dependable parent. 🙁

  8. Good grief! Are all of these hearings in front of the same judge/commissioner? Maybe he is having mental issues as well!

  9. I am so sorry, this is so wrong. I am speechless. Regroup and we will all be hear to listen and pitch in if we can. The fact that he can make that statement alone is horrible but the fact of who he is saying it about? Clueless…totally clueless.

  10. I’m so sorry, Tina 🙁 Everytime it seems like your girls are coming first, the courts knock them back down again 🙁 They are lucky to have you–you will keep right on fighting for them {{hugs}}

  11. Unfortunately, unless there is a psychiatrist report that he has NPD, it would never be useable in a court of law. No diagnosis = no argument.

  12. This is my first time on your site. My story is as unbelievable as yours. If not even more so as we were court relocated only to be forced back in harms way a year and half later. I want to do whatever I can to help get the laws changed and courts educated on what we are dealing with.

  13. Anything you need from Florida, please let me know. I have been screwed over by our court system so much that I am now starting back to school for legal studies.

  14. I am so sorry this happened. The safety of your children is at stake… No other way to see the situation.
    Is Judge being paid off?Your ex doesn’t care about the kids, it is so obvious.
    There has to be a way for logic, the safety and well being of your children to prevail.
    Being genetically related to offspring does not make a father or entitle him to
    Abuse the children. The NPD all about winning in their head.
    Give your daughter’s every tool they can have to protect themselves.
    Continue to pray for you and the safety of your children.
    You can do this….. Hang tough, your babies need you

  15. Tina- my thoughts and prayers are with you and your girls. I’ve been reading your blog for just a few weeks and feel your pain during this experience. I have also reached out to a couple of other women on another site called speakoutloud.net about the emotional abuse that has occurred not only to me but also my little girl.
    I agree that something needs to be done in order to change these laws!! I once had an police officer tell me it didn’t matter where my daughter hung her PJ ‘s at night! Well it DOES matter as you and I both know!! Mother’s have a deep desire to protect their children and sadly sometimes it has to be from their own father’s.
    I support you and I know a lot of other women do as well!
    J.

  16. And Ms. Brinkley showed us how useless a diagnosis is. When a “civil right” is given weight over child safety, we’re all at the mercy of a judge’s/commissioners whim.

    On your desire to create a NFP, first determine which type you need. The various bookstore self-help guides can assist, but you’ll find state agencies to be just a capricious as courts sometimes when it comes down to creating bylaws and corporate structure. If you can connect with someone local, FTF, who has done this recently it can be of huge benefit.

  17. Punched in the stomach…that’s how it feels. I felt it when my judge said the words “the mother’s timesharing shall be…”. It was that moment that I realized my NPD abuser had actually won, and the judge made me turn over custody the day before Mother’s Day (insert curse words).
    Paula at Paula’s Pontifications suggested I pop over and see what you have. I’m glad I did.

  18. That is eactly how it feels… you can’t even breathe! I am an unwed mother of a 4 yr old son and the family court judge gave custody to the father, ordering week on/week off visitation. This with the father admitting that I am a perfectly fit parent, a psycologist diagnosing father with antisocial personality and recommending only supervised visits for at least 1 yr(while father undergo treatment), serious parenting problems (leaving child unsupervised, losing child, loaded firearms within reach, hitting child on back with leather strap (photographic evidence). Basically, the judge said that the father will have custody because father will never do anything right enough for anybody and it was the only way he could have a relationship with the child. I am in the process of an appeal right now, but I had to turn over custody on christmas morning and my son suffers everyday. It is simpy unbelievable that anyone could jepordize a child’s sfety for the sake of a sick parent.

  19. Thanks, Tina. I am not in California- although my child was born there, we live in Tennessee. I came across your wonderful blog by accident looking for information on custody and personality disorders.
    I am currently waiting on my appeal to be docketed, and I have a reasonable shot at a reversal.It takes a lot for the appellate court to say a judge abused his descretion, but there is no denying the undisputed evidence in the record.It is simply a step too far for a judge to hold that asking or supervised visitation and counseling means that a mother shouldn’t be a custodial parent.

    The most shocking thing was learning that my situation is not unique. There are so many mothers out there who are going through the same thing. My heart goes out to them all.

  20. I found this by chance-doing research about NPD and HOW to possibly cope with it. My sons father has it I am positive. Although I am not certified outside of doing my own research to say that. He plays countless games in court. Has not paid but one time any support in 11 years. And yet he made his first and only payment less than a week before he took me back to court for our son. His rights were re allocated again and all he was awarded was parenting time but the things he tells our son are horrid. It is a wonder my son has had such a respect issue with me! This man has no job but got a real lawyer. And she is a nut too I am convinced. Lying on the stand-pushing him to lie as well. Everything he will say is to make me look bad. This is a man mind you that is 38 who boasted on the stand that he was taking “pre GED classes” so he could become an x-ray technician. Mind you this is also a man with DV convictions and a recent child abuse charge. I just can’t win. And now the fray he is causing my sons stepmother with their and her children. This man is seeking to get parenting time with children that are not even biologically his!! He has in no way with mine or hers made a medical contribution or even held a job in ten years! Shame on her for allowing him to leach off of her for the past 8 years tho. Sadly she is on disability and sec 8 housing. Easy pickings for a guy like him. Our son is 14 and hitting puberty :/ (eek!) I am hoping in an effort to play sides (as kids will do) that our son does not get sucked into his fathers lies. How can we fight for our own mental well being and the children’s without looking “uncooperative”?? Is it not our responsibility to protect our kids?? This guy slips thru EVERY legal crack-asks for extensions til the very end and now has a crackpot lawyer at his disposal to help him lie and lie for him. Whats worse I found out when we went thru our litigation over our son-this man got a 15 year old girl pregnant and nobody sees fit to say or do anything about that either. The man was 31 when he got a 15 yr. old girl pregnant!! I have a 15 yr. old daughter and it makes me sick inside to know things like this. I can go on forever about this but everyone has their story and I’m sure it’s a novel like my own. Someone has to do something to make the courts see how this disorder effects EVERYONE on a massive scale including the children. I don’t see how it’s possible for children to learn adequate life skills from individuals such as these.