Divorcing a Narcissist: The Courts Do Not Understand

Divorcing a Narcissist: The Courts Do Not Understand

As we all know, I do a lot of blogging.  Sometimes I write and write because it’s therapeutic and then I will go back in and tighten things up and edit days later.  Sometimes three paragraphs can be summed up in one strong sentence.  Through my blogging, I have developed “blogger-ships” (my name for friends who I have yet to meet) with a handful of women whom I deeply respect.  As many of you know, its refreshing to connect with someone else who knows and understands.

A fellow blogger was able to sum up my entire plight in two paragraphs which I would like to share with you.  In technical terms, “Paula nailed it“.

Quote from Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo: I wish more people understood why women divorcing narcissists NEED to seek full custody. It’s hard to explain to individuals who have never experienced this type of person. Why would a mother deny a child their father? Because the father is only the father by name, not by action, deed, understanding or love. The courts don’t get it, either.

So it’s up to each of us with stories and experiences to increase the awareness of narcissism and other personality disorders of Cluster B that are detrimental to a child’s existence if one or both patents are afflicted. Narcissists are not interested in the well-being of their children. They are interested in gaining control over them and using them as tools and weapons. I wish the courts could see this. I wish there was a way to photograph someone with a special camera that highlighted the ones with this. But until then, we just need to keep battling for the children. 

For more information on Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo, click here for her book, “Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath” or follow her blog at, “Paula’s Pontifications“.

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7 Responses

  1. Hi Tina, you are right in that the courts do not understand the impact personality disorders can have on children. Psychological testing isn’t entirely reliable, but the behaviors which indicate that a parent is more interested in taking the children in revenge than in being a genuine parent can be visible. I also find it interesting that there are a plethora of books available for ‘adult children’ trying to reconcile their issues caused from being raised by a disordered parent.
    How is supervised visitation going for your girls? Is that a viable solution?

  2. My ultimate goal would be to have supervised visits but for some reason, the courts will impose supervised visits and then give him another chance a month later. Right now he has them unsupervised.

  3. Hi,
    Wonderful insight Natalia. My ex managed to manipulate the facts so effectively that it appeared to the court that, rather than escaping and protecting, I was the one interested in revenge against someone who has convinced others, during his verbally abusive and degrading, profanity filled rages in the court house hallway (surrounded by 4 deputies) and cafeteria(twice)that he is father of the year and I am “evil” for attempting to interfere with that. Hopefully his deception is beginning to unravel (I could use prayer for that, thank you). I too find it interesting that adult children are dealing with issues of their upbringing with disordered parents. Perhaps the focus on their testimony and the damage done to them as a result of poor choices within the court system can help the movement for change within the system as well. I have seen some of those adult children, the battle to recover may be too overwhelming, but you never know, some may be in a place that they are willing to do something to help change things for others. It is very good to have the understanding and wisdom offered here, not only to help support and strengthen us to love our children and others well, but to offer the kind of insight and help that is needed to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles we and our children face. Thank you to all.

  4. Tina,

    I am so glad I found your website. I am currently in the middle of a divorce from a diagnosed cluster B husband. It is very scary and a battle like no other. I check your page every other day for updates. You are in my prayers as I know how it feels to be in your shoes. Thankfully my children with him are a little older, 12. So they have somewhat of a say in what happens. Currently they refuse to even speak to him. I am still not divorced and am back in court every couple of months for stupid things he files. His most recent was a DNA test. I feel anytime there is a history of abuse, either verbal or physical, the ONLY visitation should be supervised by an unbiased law enforcement agency. What is it going to take to get the courts to wake up and see what they are allowing to happen to innocent children??? You hang in and keep up your battle and good work!!!! Thanks for your site.

  5. Thank YOU for your comment. It’s bittersweet because I want to enjoy the girls while they are this age but I also can’t wait for the day that they have a say in what happens. Sending positive thoughts you you and your children. Thanks again- Tina

  6. Tina,
    What have your experiences been with blogging about this? I want to blog my experience (my narcissistic ex was 31 when I was 18, it’s been hell) and connect with other moms like you. Has he tried to take you to court for your words?


  7. Is anyone available to “talk” about my certain situation in dealing with a sociopath? I just want to be clear that in my situation, I was told directly by our marriage counselor to “run not walk” away from this marriage because my husband is a sociopath. This is not a case of misdiagnosing or trying to have him fit the mold because I need to be right. It took me about three years to finally leave him after being told about his diagnosis and the only reason I really got out was because he went to a prison “camp” for money structuring. With him being sentenced I was finally able to leave the state. He even tried to take me to court to prevent me from leaving the state before he left for prison. He has lawyers who aren’t being paid yet are supporting him and they are well connected and even friends with the judge. I have a “friend” who is a lawyer and not well known and a very bad speaker. He is not getting paid so I have to accept the help with gratitude. Recently my husband has been released from his eight month prison sentence and is fighting for custody of the children. His lawyers make complete BOLD FACED lies in the court room and I look impossibly crazy for responding to every accusation. I need some help, some assistance in how to speak about his disorder without looking like a lunatic. I have come a long way in the three years, both mentally and spiritually (as a side not i believe we are put with people like this to come out wiser in the end) however, he is so able to tell an enormous amount of lies over and over again. I feel like its just muddying the waters to the real issues. When I tried to leave him he had me arrested three times by lying to the police, he had CPS called, he called the organization that heads my profession, he had me implicated in a murder of a tenant of ours (she overdosed) and has threatened me numerous times. In the end, he plays the victim of a father being withheld from his children. I cant understand how this is not seen by the courts. Any suggestions?