Divorcing a Narcissist: It Takes a Village (Part 2)

Divorcing a Narcissist: It Takes a Village (Part 2)

(Continued from: It Takes a Village Part 1)

Today I was asked to speak on the AC Green Radio Show about the problems in our Family Court System.  I was pretty nervous on the first half and I should have gone into the interview more prepared.  I was able to jot down some bullet points and go into the second segment prepared to discuss the issue that is near to my heard: Courts are too focused on being fair to the parents when they should actually be concerned with what is best for the children.  I discussed Narcissism from my point of view– from someone who is still learning about this disorder.

There isn’t just a problem in the court system.  It’s a problem in our society.  Many people don’t want to get involved.

It takes a village.     

In my own personal battle, I have come to realize that there are several different types of people.

  • There are people who know what is happening but don’t want to get involved.
  • There are people who know what is happening and are willing to gossip or offer ‘behind-the-scenes’ information yet they don’t want to get too involved.
  • People have no clue what is really happening yet they are willing to defend the Narcissist’s version of the story because they’ve bought into the sales pitch.  They’ve bought into the Narcissist persona that comes out when cameras are on or an audience is present.
  • People who know what is happening and are willing to step forward and do anything it takes to help me protect my children and yours.  We need more of these people and I am thankful to have connected with many of them through this blog.

I have had so many people come forward and provide details of my X’s life – the real stories about where his money goes, how he hides his money and how they were personally manipulated by him.  These people have provided information but all say the same thing: “I just don’t want to get involved legally– but I am happy to tell you anything you want to know”.  I have a hard time with that one.  Could these people live with themselves if something were to happen to my daughters?  As a mother and as a human being, I have a hard time understanding how someone could withhold information if they know that a child is in danger.

There are the people who don’t want to be involved but are happy to gossip about my X husband.  My X husband’s former landlord is great example of that.  He is a very well-known business man in the community where I reside.  Previously, I admired him because anytime I was involved in a fundraiser; he would grab his checkbook and support the cause.  This same man came to a party that I threw last year and was quick to gossip about how crazy and manipulative my X husband was.  He actually called him a “psychopath” and talked about him bringing random girls (met online) to his house where he would serve them alcohol and take advantage of them.  As he left my party, he said, “Do you know that (X) staged the entire house for your Parenting Evaluation”.  I was speechless.

Did I know that my X staged his home for the parenting evaluation?  Of course I did.  Can I prove that in court?  Not with the 20 minutes of time that I am given to try and protect my children in a system that sees my case as just another file in the stack.  When I heard those words leave this man’s mouth, I was hopeful.  All I needed was to have him write a simple one-page declaration stating exactly what he had just said—that he lived with my X and that my X was a manipulative, disturbed psychopath who staged his home to convince the courts that he was a healthy, loving father.  If he knew all of this information, he would gladly help me to protect my little girls, right?  Wrong.

I contacted him about writing a declaration and he emailed me back stating that he had so much going on in his life.  He was “stressed out”.  I gave his contact information to my daughters’ attorney.  Surely he would be willing to talk to him and explain the behavior that he saw from December of 2009- June of 2012.  Wrong.  He actually told the attorney that his memory was bad and that he didn’t remember anything.  I was floored.  I couldn’t understand.  I will never understand it.  I have lost all respect for this person.

One reason that our system is so flawed is due to the fact that people “don’t want to get involved”.  I can guarantee that our Family Court System would not be in the place that it is today if more people would leave their comfort zones and take a stand.  Take a stand to protect the children who are suffering every day.  Take a stand to demand that laws change and Judges become educated.  Take a stand to demand that Children’s’ Rights take precedence over Mothers’ Rights or Fathers’ Rights.

We need to make our voices heard loud and clear: the Family Court System is FAILING to protect children all over the United States and beyond.

Click Here: Template Letter to Start Writing

Where to write:

  • Write Your U.S. Representative (A service of the House that will assist you by identifying your Congressperson in the U.S. House of Representatives and providing contact information.

U.S. Supreme Court: Contact Information – US Supreme Court

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7 Responses

  1. Tina, it is amazing how just about every single one of your posts hit home, and amazingly enough, all this NPD/sociopathic/DV/child abuse/court abuse stuff is not happening to me, it is happening to my good friend and neighbor and her kids. You are so right – more people need to take a stand and do the right thing regardless of their fear of involvement. Much of the abuse continues to happen because people are all too willing to make excuses, look the other way, say that it is not ‘their problem’. Unfortunately, all of us pay the costs – in tax dollars (abuse of our court systems) and in the immeasurable costs to society of the emotional & psychological wreckage of the many, many victims left in the wake of these manipulative & destructive people.
    Thank you for helping to bring awareness to this massive issue. Things will only change if enough of us speak out, stand up for those we know who are telling the truth, and push for change.

  2. Thank you so much for your message– my best to your friend/neighbor. It isn’t an easy road to travel and I am glad that she has you in her corner. -Tina

  3. I am sad to say it, but I think it is not only fear and shame, but ego as well. People like to believe they are good judges of character. People can get so easily sucked into the web of deception and not realize it until it is too late. Feeling, perhaps, they are defending in the name of “honor.” After being led to believe the lies of the so-called “victim” (sociopath) as the truth, and then coming to the realization of the truth about how they were used and in most cases willing, instigating (so the Spaths hands are clean) participants in doing great harm to another person, including our children. That is not something most people want to be confronted with especially if they are seemingly not a bad person. You are right it is not an excuse to not do anything to help make it right. “Psychopaths” are scary influential people, if you witness and are party to the lengths they are willing to go to get what they want, even at the expense of a child, that can be very intimidating, to say the least. When you deal with one in whatever capacity you come to realize their mental instability and weigh the risks accordingly. It is frustrating to see the problem and know there is a solution, but certain steps need to be taken to arrive at the solution that works best. It is difficult for me to try to manage sanity in the chaos of co-parenting with my NPD ex as you are all well aware. My youngest has been waking in the middle of the night with nightmares this last week, since coming home from the most recent visit and my heart breaks for her, for both of my daughters. For some of us the fight is to just get out of bed just to help our children recover the last visit and prepare them for the next only to repeat the pattern until when? Only God knows. For others it is learning, knowing and doing more. Either way it is hard. My friend suggested that since I am representing myself, I should go to law school and become a lawyer. I laughed, she was serious. I do not have my life together enough to do that, I am old, my daughters are young 7 and 4, fighting the N draws too much time away from my life and them as it is now. Starting over from scratch under these circumstance pursuing a law degree??? I am not that smart and I know I do not have the fight in me or the support to endure such an endeavor. The system has been failing the children for a long time. Speaking truth and exposure can start making a difference, so Kudos(?) for the radio show exposure. Baby steps. I can tell you one case I will have my eye on in the coming months is Tom Cruise, I believe he is a total Sociopath/Narcissistic abuser who alienated Nicole and their adopted children from each other somehow, so it will be interesting to see how the custody battle plays out in this one.

  4. I agree with vp… Tina your articles hit home time and again. I am learning first hand about people who don’t want to get involved. My ex npd has children with his ex. I recently made contact with her to try and build a support system for each other considering we go through the same abuse at the hands of this man. Although she is pleasant and understanding, she does not want to go against him nor involve herself in my battle. She has key information that could seal my son’s safety, as her teenage children want nothing to do with their father anymore. She knows the damage that can be done to my infant but can’t jeopardize anything..I understand, and yet I don’t. I have told her many times that I will do whatever it takes to help her including testifying on her behalf. But she hasn’t offered anything even remotely the same. I just pray for her to see what I see and to make the decision to protect all of our children, as well as ourselves.

  5. It’s a fine line and I understand that. There is a local chiropractor who was a mutual friend through our marriage– we remained friends even during the divorce. One day, in the middle of my trial– I saw the doors to the courtroom open and he walked through the doors to testify on my X’s behalf. His letter to the court stated that we were both great people and great parents– but then he went onto say that he had interacted with X on many play dates (since we had separated) and that he was a loving, caring father. A year prior, I had discovered an email from my X’s aunt in which she told him to “cultivate” a person who could testify for him. The chiropractor was that person and all of the play dates were a ploy to get him to testify.

    I have since spoken to the chiropractor by email and I told him that I learned a lesson– that I would NEVER testify in a child custody hearing unless I knew all of the facts. I think it is equally important to be educated as it is to take a stand. In cases like yours (with an X who has experienced his wrath), there is simply no excuse for his ex not wanting to get involved. She of all people knows first-hand how dangerous he is. I hope that she will reconsider her approach— have you sat down with her and asked her to write a declaration?

  6. Great post! My ex moves from group of friends to group of friends. As they figure it out, he moves on. I am always amazed that the new group that lines up. He is charismatic. I will give him that. I struggle daily, and yet, he is able to find new supporters, new enablers.
    But the worst part is the few friends that knew us when and still love to be around him. I hid the abuse from them for a while, but in the end they saw it. And now they forget. He is “trying.” I should be “appreciative” of his efforts with our kids. Really? My kids aren’t that appreciative because for them, the mental abuse still goes on behind closed doors.

  7. On a side note, this is my first time to visit your blog, and I was was shocked because this Matala WordPress theme is the first theme that I used. I love the color and the happiness that it projects, despite such dark topics. You had me at Matala…