Divorcing a Narcissist: He Takes the Cake

Divorcing a Narcissist: He Takes the Cake

I read something recently that said, “Stop spreading lies about me and I will stop telling the truth about you“.  The author was clearly divorcing a Narcissist.

I’ve had quite a few things going on recently.  I am still awaiting word from the Commissioner on the contempt charges.  Not sure why it is taking so long and anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I am not a very patient person by nature.  I am learning but it is a process.  ***Edited to add: Contempt of Court scheduled for September 12, 2012!

Last week had a few ups and downs.  I entered my blog into a contest to raise money for a non-profit organization that helps women in custody battles.  Through that contest, I discovered the true meaning of “internet trolls” and my very own troll had a name: Susan P.  This particular internet troll decided to attack something positive and turn it into pure “yuck” (technical term).  After reading the ramblings of this troll, I agreed with someone on my forum: “Susan P. has a pony in this race“.  I have since discovered (today) that “Susan P. is actually one of my follower’s x-husbands, James P., from Tucson, Arizona.  I have been receiving multiple emails, comments and messages from this person since I featured his ex-wife’s story in my blog.  I am publicly asking him to cease communication.  If you feel that you are the victim of cyberstalking, I encourage you to contact Alexis Moore as she is leading the road to new laws and can help with identifying and ending cyberstalking.

“Susan P” did say one thing that I would like to address just in case anyone else is curious: she questioned how I obtain my information and accused me of stalking my X.  I am not “emotionally trapped in bitterness and unable to let go of my X “, as she suggested.  Quite the opposite.  I have balance between my work, my daughters and my relationships.  This battle does weigh on me as it does with anyone who is fighting for their children against a Narcissist.   I have worked with a private detective and all other information literally lands in my lap.  This Sunday was a great example.  I received a text message that said, “Do you know your X is in town?  I am at ABC Gym and he is here now“.  That did not involve “browbeating or manipulation” which Susan P implied; the information simply landed in my lap.  It also explains why he wasn’t at the visitation exchange on Sunday morning- he was at the gym.  Priorities, right?

Over the summer, my X’s visitations have been relatively calm and uneventful as his mother is here visiting from Saudi Arabia.  She is the “Queen” in the family and holds a great deal of power in the eyes of her four sons.  She is in denial about the issues at hand and refuses to do what is right by her granddaughters.  With that said, her presence has kept him in line for the most part aside from the bizarre emails.

Against my better judgement, I left the girls at the family house both days and my X was not present for either morning exchange.  I heard that he was drinking heavily on Friday in the Bay Area so the hangover was probably to blame for the failure to show up on Saturday morning.  When I say that I left them “against my better judgement”, I am not implying that his presence makes the situation safe.  My court ordered visitation is with my X- not his family.  I do not want to set a precedence that leaving the girls at the family house without him being there is acceptable.

My X had asked me in advance of the visitation weekend if he could keep the girls later on Sunday.  I declined his request.  Knowing that I had already said “no” by email, he asked my 7-year daughter to call me and ask permission to stay longer.  She said, “Dad said we can’t have cake if we don’t stay later“.  I reminded her that we had plans already and that I would call and discuss it with her dad.  He didn’t answer his phone.

I went to his home (with cake in hand!) to pick up the girls at the scheduled time and noticed that my daughter had been crying.  She walked up and wrapped her arms around me before climbing into my car.  My oldest daughter said that something had happened that she wanted to talk about.  Luckily, I have a voice recorder which I use to record his conversations with the children (court order) and I flipped it on to ensure I didn’t forget details about what she was about to say.  As they left the party, my X began saying, “it’s your mom’s fault that we can’t have fun” and “it’s your mom’s fault that I only get to see you for a short amount of time“.  She said he was saying mean things about me but I didn’t pressure her for specifics.  She used ‘her voice’ as she is learning in counseling and told him, “Dad, you are saying things that I don’t need to hear“.

At that point, he continued ‘saying mean things’ so she began sending me a text message.  I asked her what she wrote because I didn’t receive a message and she said, “I was trying to ask you to help us because he was saying mean things and wouldn’t stop“.  At that point, she said that her dad reached into the backseat and grabbed the phone out of her hands while he was driving on the freeway.  He then informed her that it was illegal to text while driving in a car and that his rules forbid texting on his visitation time. I can tell you something that should be illegal- a grown man who bullies small children.

I am gearing up (again) and will be addressing the issues head on.  More to follow…

23 Responses

  1. Oh don’t they hate it when their children stand up to them!?!? I’ve been dealing with that same thing for two years now. ‘its your moms fault I only got to see you for 5 hours this summer!’ When the court order says he can have them 50% of the time.
    Its hard for your girls to speak up to their dad when I they know nothing good can come of it. Hopefully she knows to keep at it…just like her mom 🙂

  2. Wow. Yes, because texting by a minor child in the backseat who does not have a drivers license is sooo distracting to the driver.

    They really do expect to have their cake and eat it too. And they do not understand why the entire universe does not think they are entitled to it.

    My Ex once threw such a scene we were barred from Olive Garden. Do you have any idea just how juvenile a grown man has to get before a friggin *chain restaurant* bars you?!

    Reading the above really sounded like your daughter was more mature than her father. Certainly she is more aware of what is happening in the situation. Thank God there was no accident–the freeway is no place to be in a power struggle with a young child, even if it is something worthy of pulling the car over and putting your foot down.

    Really, I’m starting to think we should add ‘have their cake and eat it too’ to the list of red flags. It seems to be another fairly common denominator.

  3. You make me laugh– what in the world did he do to be banned from Olive Garden????

  4. It’s sounds like it has been another rough time for you and the girls. Sorry about that-Par for the course, unfortunately. Mine has been a bit rough. I read some of the comments from Susan P. on the other website. She/He(?)is entitled to an opinion, but definitely a bad, dark, bitter apple. You know what they say about bad apples-just cast them out with the garbage where they belong and let them rot at the city dump with all the other bad ones, so as not to distract you from tending to what’s good! Well that’s not exactly the old cliche, but I know you get it;) Those who dwell in darkness may try, but they can never overcome the Light! Blessings to all.

  5. I also thought how lucky there was no accident because his eyes were definitely not on the road at all times when he was grabbing the cell phone! How sad for your girls. Good for you making sure they had cake! And I’m sure they had a better time eating it with you than if they had eaten it with him!

  6. Hah! I KNEW Susan P. was a disgruntled X!! Jerk…

    Tina, my battle is over (my kids are 18 and 20 now) but I so remember these issues when the kids were smaller. Particularly, cornering me during exchanges. I got in the habit of never having my window rolled down more than a few inches so as not to ‘invite’ conversation. I’d see him approach the car and my blood pressure would rise with anxiety.

    One of last times we were in court (about 2 years ago – I was fighting for my daughter to have orthodontia treatment and enforce his responsibility to pay 50%), the judge had restated what our order provided and said “If dad feels he shouldn’t have to pay half then dad can file his own paperwork.” That wasn’t what my X wanted to hear! When we were outside the elevator, X said, “So… can we talk for a minute?” I quickly answered, “Nope!” and made a b-line for the stairs. These guys always think there is room for negotiation!

    I love your blog and I think you are doing a HUGE service to anyone personally involved in the Family Court System. Thank you! 🙂

  7. Yep– I notified “Susan P” by email that I have his contact info, arrest records, employer’s info and will end his cyber stalking career very quickly if he continues to harass me.

    Thank you, Jan! xxxx Tina

  8. That’s good that you can record the conversations as evidence to help you protect your daughters.

    My 9 year old tells me some of the stuff she hears from her father that I find to be entirely inappropriate but I fear to bring it to the parent coordinator’s attention because, based on past experience, he goes after her for sharing with me. As an example, he told her not to tell me (of course) but “she (referring to me) wants me to die and, if she says she doesn’t, she’s lying.” With one made up sentence, he’s the victim and I’m the bad guy! My daughter had nightmares after this.

    The parent coordinator has a rule where the other parent has to be copied on all communication. Well, I brought the fact that he was screaming at our daughter on a regular basis to the court’s attention two years ago, and he went after her (she came home upset because he shamed and yelled at her for telling me about the screaming).

  9. I may start recording myself what a great way to track things.

    Z – I understand not wanting to confront your X on what they say because mine goes after my son too. It’s heartbreaking to watch…your damned if you stand up to him and confront them (he punishes my son by calling him names for “narking” him out) and damned if you don’t because my son thinks why keep going to mom if she can’t help. I struggle after every visit trying to balance what do I act on and what do I let go.
    I just keep hoping and praying that I’m doing the right thing.

  10. Hmm I wonder if the “Susan P” is derived from your plea for Susan Powell?? I’m always curious as to how people come up with their pseudo names. There’s usually a root; they are seldom random.

  11. 🙁 I know. My X has told the girls that “what happens at his house stays at his house, etc”.

    The Judge ordered that I could record phone calls after he called extremely intoxicated on Father’s Day. Good times.

  12. Just be careful how you record those calls. The kids should not be aware or they may try to protect him. My kids knew their dad was explosive in the way he would talk to them or me on the phone but if I tried to put him on speaker phone (so my husband could hear/witness), the kids tried to block. Just sayin…

  13. I try to pick my battles. If I choose to deal with every bit of nonsense from him, I’d have to quit my job to have enough time! Also, I understand they thrive on any kind of attention so I am careful to raise issues. I wonder if I could record my daughter (discreetly) when she comes home upset over yet another bizarre thing her father said or did. She’ll repeatedly ask me not to tell him. I’ve adopted Tina’s “quick to listen, slow to speak” strategy to minimize the impact of his behaviors.

    I convinced the parent coordinator to meet with our daughter without either parent present. I am sure he’s trying to brainwash our daughter as I speak (she’s with him for summer vacation). Fingers crossed, the PC, who’s a psychologist (thanks God!) has ways to see through his manipulations.

    It amazes me how well our daughter recognizes his true nature though. She told me (when she was barely 8!) that her father is mean, that he does not have a good heart and pretends to be nice only so that others like him. She’s also said “it’s different at (her father)’s. I don’t feel at all.” That’s it. I am not a psychologist, but sounds like a defense mechanism to me. It’s sad.

    I am considering asking the PC to recommend a therapist so that my daughter has a safe place to process things on an ongoing basis.

  14. Calling drunk on Father’s Day – how “classy.” I am sorry your girls have to deal with this kind of thing.

    I think the order to record is a big positive for you and the girls.

    The Judge in my case ordered communication by email only which is great. No more crazy calls from him.

  15. Typical narcissist response when the Judge asked his permission to have calls recorded– he acted like it was a great idea…if you ask him, he has been hoping that they would impose an order to have calls recorded…that way the courts can SEE that I am exaggerating. 😉 Since I’ve started recording calls he sound’s like he is trying out for the next role in Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood. “Hellooooooooo Girls!!!!!”. Gotta laugh.

  16. A mammoth tantrum you would not believe. Made the waitress cry–young late teens, early twenties. And you could tell she was not the sort to easily cry.

    Basically the policy at the time did not allow them to serve certain foods ‘rare’. The Ex instructed something along the lines of ‘wriggling’ and it was explained that the best they could do was medium rare.

    He agreed to it instead of ordering something else.

    Granted on a spectrum it was closer to done-medium than rare-medium. But no where near well done.

    Well the hissy fit was massive.

    Think two 16 year old girls at prom in the same dress legendary.

    We were politely instructed not to come back.

    I think we were still dating at that point.

    I really, really should have been paying attention.

  17. Z, that is a great idea!

    As the child of a Cluster B-type mother, I can guarantee a therapist would have been a huge help to me as a child.

    And my parents — frighteningly — have a good marriage.

  18. Hah! Heather – my ex was banned from Burger King when we were first dating. They got the take-out order wrong and he didn’t check the order ’til he got back home. He drove all the way back there and screamed at the poor kids working behind the counter. The manager came out and said, “YOU sir, will leave this establishment and never return.”

    On our very first date, I offered to pay the tip for our dinner. He smiled and said “I got it.” I made the mistake of insisting and put my money back on the bill. Before I could pull my hand away, he grabbed all my fingers and squeezed them together tightly. It HURT!

    Why oh why did I not run? I was 16 and thought he had a ‘take-charge’ attitude. I did not see it as a red flag.

  19. Oh my…the conversation with your daughter is like conversations that I have had with my son. My ex accuses me of “brow-beating” them for info. It’s not like that at all. Half the time, I have to brace myself for whatever it is that follows, “Mom, I have to tell you something.”
    In the fall, I repossessed his truck in accordance with our decree. He was supposed to refinance it in his name, but he didn’t. If he missed two consecutive payments, he was supposed to surrender it to me. It happened multiple times. In fact, he had TWENTY-SIX late payments, but the kicker came when he got in a wreck with the kids without insurance and was sued…in a truck in my name. I repossessed it. ANYWAY, he kept the kids that weekend after it happened. He made the kids call me to tell me that they were starving and had no food to eat because I took his truck. He had them BEG me to bring it back, and then silently, when he walked away, my 14-year-old whispered “Don’t do it” into the phone. He threatened to hold them hostage and not bring them home if I wouldn’t give in. I told him that I would not be bullied. When the kids got back, I told them how sorry I was that they were in such a bad position. They said not to worry about it because really they had spent a day at a water park and ate out with his girlfriend. The only suffering was during the phone calls that they had to make.