Divorcing a Narcissist: Guest Blog by Tina’s Aunt Bev

Divorcing a Narcissist: Guest Blog by Tina’s Aunt Bev

This is a Guest Blog post by Tina’s Aunt Bev:

For most of you (the exceptions–you know who you are) who read this blog, know what a true hero Tina is.

Hero, by definition, has many meanings.  I think the meaning that fits Tina the most is:  someone with extreme devotion, who, in the face of danger and adversity, displays courage and the will for self-sacrifice for some greater good of all humanity.

I am Tina’s aunt (AKA Auntie Bev)–and I feel, her biggest fan.  I have been with Tina through all of her life’s journeys.  I have supported her through all of them–except her blog.  I have been against it from the very onset.  I have only read bits and pieces.  I don’t need to read Tina’s blog posts–I know them because I have lived them with her.  Living through them the first time is tough, reliving them again is even tougher.

I have been against the blog because I, selfishly, have not wanted Tina to put herself in danger for “the good of all humanity.”  I love her more than words can express–so my fears about this blog selfishly outweighed all else to me.  But Tina is not selfish.  She is a true hero.  She not only is an extremely devoted parent to her daughters, she is extremely devoted to all of your children too.  I get it now–hero…Tina.  I understand her passion to help everyone who is going through the same situation with their children.  Tina has told me many times–while trying to explain to me why she is doing the blog–that she has felt so alone in this process.  She has been so disappointed in our legal system.  She doesn’t want anyone to feel so alone or without direction if there is an option.  Tina is that option for so many of you.  She has devoted her precious and little “extra” time to all of you for that purpose.

My purpose of writing today is to two-fold–One, to finally give my full support to Tina in regards to this blog.  I get it.  There are lots of other children and moms out there who need her.  Amazing moms from what I have read–and beautiful children who deserve better.  No lawyer or court-appointed advocate can help you like Tina can–because she cares.  No degree or credential has more power than love.  Our history of true heroes and heroines will support my statement.  Most were ordinary people who had little training but lots of love and courage.  And Tina–she is overflowing with love and courage for all of you and your kids.   Which brings me to my second reason for writing today–to ask you to help Tina as she has helped you.  The single-most helpful thing with Tina’s battle right now would be for her to get the court to order a psychiatric evaluation for Tina and her ex.  Unfortunately, she would have to pay for that and, with the lack of child support she can not afford it.

So–if you feel Tina has helped you, now is the time to help her.  I know that she has a PayPal account–so as simple as an email to tina.swithin@gmail.com through PayPal you can help her to achieve her goal of getting the evaluation ordered and completed.  She would never ask for herself–so I am asking for her.

 

Please help if you can….let’s help Tina continue her battle for her kids and yours.

4 Responses

  1. Hi,
    It must be hard to watch a dearly loved one go through and struggle with this type of trial in their lives. Even more frustrating to see that they are doing good and right for their children and for others and not reaping much benefit by doing so. It is admirable that you want what you want for Tina, and for everyone in the same circumstance. I am seeking and praying justice be done for her, and yes hopefully any of her successes will help pave the way for better results for all of us. I am going to speak boldly and forgive me if by my comment appears in anyway unsympathetic-Considering the Judge last week had an outrageous opinion on the matter and with an ex who, along with other issues, has an alcohol problem, which I think would be of concern to a judge(it does not appear that it does much), how much do you think having someone tell the judge the ex has a personality disorder is going to sway his decision? and what guarantees do you have that Tina will not have an evaluator who is of the same mind set as the Judge/Commissioner in her case? I am not saying it won’t help, but much of this battle is overcoming ignorance and false distorted perceptions in a failing and seriously flawed court system, diagnosis or not, the courts need to be better informed on how certain decisions and certain behaviors by our ex N harm rather than help the child. Knowledge is power, do you think this is the best way to bring that about? Take the swimming incident for example-The ex endangered the lives of his children and minimized the trauma and essentially, if I remember the details correctly, put the blame on the children for what happened. Will what you are asking be enough to overcome the problem? I am curious what the lawyer advised. I told my attorney that my ex was NPD long before we got out of the gate, one minute she was telling me our strategy was to have an evaluation, but she needed to make sure that the evaluator wasn’t someone he can charm, but my attorney did not do what she said she was going to do and unfortunately, I trusted her implicitly to do what was best to help defend me and my daughters from our tormentor at a time when I was vulnerable and did not know how best to do that exactly. By the time I got my case to another attorney, he said my ex is a Psychopath and a liar and he(the attorney) doesn’t fix things,(translation-you do not and probably when all is said and done will not have enough money to pay me to fix things). Tina and her children are lucky to have the love and support they have. I hope I am not taking wind out of anyone’s sails, but the request just brought these thoughts to mind.

  2. I can only say that the system itself is broken. Women see the child support, alimony, house and other material matters and it encourages many to seek divorce instead of answers. Men in most cases turn out to be monetary victims and lose most parental rights which are reduced to every other weekend…
    Yet women find this fair? I say every case should start 50/50 across the board monetarily and in child responsibility. If the situation calls for changes beyond that, then make the changes accordingly, BUT ON A CASE BY CASE BASIS.
    The system is horribly broken and needs to be fair to not only both parents, but the children which are supposed to be served primarily…

  3. Nick– I disagree with you. You can’t generalize and say that all women see “child support, alimony, house…..” — that is absolutely not true. There may be SOME women who think this way but not the majority– believe me…I talk to women all around the world every single day. I would not generalize men and say that “all men want to escape their obligations- financial and as a parent”. That is very true in many cases but I would never say all men are bad. My father is a great example of that– he received custody of me when I was very young (6 months old) and he was only 19. He raised me as a single dad– without support and we struggled often but we made it. Not all women want money and not all men want to run from fatherhood and obligations.

    I would have gladly shared 50/50 custody without a fight had my X husband been a healthy, normal father.

  4. Pick your battles carefully, Tina. Your ex has lost all credibility in court. If you have sole legal and sole physical custody of your daughters, then settle on all remaining issues and get out of the system, STAT.

    I, too, have walked in your shoes as a warrior momma, protective parent, survivor of domestic violence, and family court litigant, and I also naively thought that a psych eval would provide additional evidence that my ex has substance abuse issues, untreated mental health issues, and a history of domestic violence. I made the tragic mistake of assuming that all court appointed 730 custody evaluators were ethical, competent, and DV savvy. They are, in fact, quite the opposite.

    Courts tend to rubber stamp the recommendations made by the court appointed psychologists as orders pertaining to custody and visitation. Challenging these recommendations is not for the faint of heart and resource poor. You will need to hire an expert, another PsyD or MD, to conduct a 733 evaluation. These experts are EXPENSIVE. Think 5 figures. Also keep in mind that most attorneys do not encourage their clients to challenge an evaluator’s recommendations. They do not want to rock the proverbial boat, as they need to remain in good standing with these court appointed psychologists for their other clients who are undergoing 730 evals or court ordered therapy sessions.

    The choice is ultimately yours to make. But be prepared for a world of heartache and pain like you have never experienced before if your psych eval happens to be conducted by an unethical, incompetent, minimizing/ignoring DV mental health professional, and if your case is being conducted by a passive judicial officer. Too many protective parents have lost custody as a result of these above mentioned professionals, and the children suffer the most damage.