Divorcing a Narcissist: Child Support as a Weapon

Divorcing a Narcissist: Child Support as a Weapon

I think that we can all agree that divorce sucks when it comes to finances. Period.  Obviously it’s more expensive to maintain two separate households than to maintain one.

Someone who is fairly new to my blog asked me if there is a place on my blog that would help her to understand why Narcissists use children as weapons.  My short answer was that the majority of my blog details a Narcissist using my children as weapons.  That is what Narcissists do– in every subject matter from the amount of custody to the amount of child support.

My X and the vast majority of Narcissists don’t care about the needs of their children– they care about how the child’s needs affects them.  A real man would put his child’s needs above his own needs.  My father was a single father and there were times that he slept on a couch so that I could have the only bedroom in our tiny apartment.  Real men sacrifice for their children.  Since the first day of our separation, my X has talked about “percentages”.  Not “parenting time” but what percentage he has. In fact, in his first set of divorce paperwork, he did an actual “Profit & Loss Statement” on our daughters.  Creating a “P & L” on two little girls should have given the Judge a glimpse into the type of person that we are dealing with.  Red flags, anyone?

My X doesn’t care about how the lack of child support affects our daughters.  He thrives on knowing that the lack of child support affects me.  In his very sick and twisted mind, he needs to have control over my life and this is the only thing that he has left.  I was surprised that he actually put his desire to take the girls to amusement parks this summer (complete with hotel stays) in writing.  If he (or his mother) have the financial means to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on a summer vacation, you would think (?) that he would be inclined to help me purchase groceries?   No, because he is a Narcissist.  He likes using child support as a weapon.

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12 Responses

  1. My NPD Ex just took $640+ emergency savings out of a joint account on the basis it was a joint account (only because the bank lied to me when they told me he was removed from the account).

    This represents 8 months of scrimping and saving and doing without–specifically for the month of Aug 2012, when my child care costs will be 1/2 my rent–can’t wait for Sept 1 and school!

    Now he tells me taking money he did not save, he did not earn, and does not belong to him is not “theft”, even though we both signed a quit claim against each other’s wages Jan 2012.

    He had no problem spending all the money in 3 weeks, but paying it back? “I’ll get to it” is the jist of his response.

    I’m pulling all the Xmas money I have saved up just to pay the semi annual car insurance bill, thanks to his irresponsibility. And I frickin’ have the money to pay it–if it hadn’t been *LEGALLY* stolen from me.

    It boggles the mind.

  2. I am fortunate that my ex pays his child support, we don’t even have to use an agency. As a Narc he changes jobs like most of us change undergarments. He appears to be the perfect EX to the courts, yes the courts, because we have been in court for over a year! He actually told a mutual friend that he knew where his child support dollars went every month, to my attorney, his way of controlling the money he has to give me. I would love to take my children a vacation but instead I struggle to simply pay for food and shelter while keeping a decent attorney happy. He just filed for a support modification claiming he can not afford to pay what he is suppose to, yet he is taking our son on a two week hunting safari to AFRICA and just bought a new $25,000 motorcycle to match his new car….ugh. Thanks so much for ALL you do, it is nice to have a place to vent and get invaluable information on how they operate! Your blogs have been extremely helpful.

  3. Where did all of these NPD crazies spawn from??? I am astonished at the number of people dealing with people like this! THEY ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO DEAL WITH – and I am so worn out. Hang in there everyone…

  4. Yep, exactly correct, right down to the summer vacation. $37k in arrears and now no health care for the kids (and my son was dx ADHD; I can’t even treat him). The always successful “I must have a Rhemy after a good meal out” has shut down his business and is playing dead. The narcissist has NO boundaries. Others in his line of self employed work are actually working. Cook the books much? The needs of his children mean NOTHING. It is only about his supply. It is sick and real.

  5. I recently read an article that stated psychologists believe people with personality disorders number approximately 10% of the Global Population, aka 700 MILLION people. Not all of these people are NPD/BPD–but I think at this point limiting the scope to just these two flavors of Personality Disorder is a disservice to us all.

    Against the entire globe, that may not seem like a lot, but consider it is larger than every nation’s individual population excepting China & India. That figure is larger than the COMBINED population of the US & Indonesia (the 3rd and 4th largest nations on the planet respectively by population).

    So this is a fairly large swath of human behavior. Still deviant, but statistically frequent enough to be identifiable even to “laymen”. Think of how many times you’ve heard someone use the expression, “She’s a crazy bitch” or “He’s a sonofabitch” and you’re thinking they aren’t outside the realm of reasonable, because really, what decent human being could think that particuar behavior (what-ever it might have been) could be okay under any circumstances.

    The key word there is decent. These individuals simply do not believe the rules apply to them. Usually this is actually learned at home from a parent with a personality disorder.

    The good news is, its much more likely to manifest when the primary caregiver is the disordered parent. If you give your child a strong sense of safety, security & wellbeing when they are in your care, you reduce the likelihood of this disorder continuing into the next generation.

    Children are generally smarter than we give them credit. By the time a child is 6 or 7 even in the best of circumstances they realize momma or daddy can’t control everything in their life. That doesn’t mean it isn’t heartbreaking to watch your child come to the realization they will always come second to the other parent’s dysfunction.

    But many children have to deal with that ugly life lesson whether the cause is personality disorder, substance abuse, abandonment, etc.

    Life happens to all of us, including our children. That doesn’t make it right, or easy; it just is.

    Until the courts decide to make a minimum of sane parenting a legal requirement, rather than a bonus, the law literally ties our hands. Tina’s probably doing the best thing any of us can hope to right now, which is to galvanize and organize a campaign of public education of the court system & the general public about the misperceptions upon which some of the family court ‘norms’ are based.

    Until the law recognizes this “strain” of abnormal psychology as inherently containing a much greater likelihood of leading to abusive behavior, all we can really do is keep our fingers in the dam and try to minimize the damage.

  6. Part of my battle right now. X has paid NO child support/alimony while I struggle to keep a roof over our heads. Such jerks! The courts really need to do better.

  7. Within weeks of telling me that the marriage was over, my Narc Ex presented me with a spreadsheet that we would use when we met with a divorce mediator (his choice for settling, of course). It took a very long time, but that spreadsheet saved my life. After climbing back from the shock that this man no longer cared about me, and actually never did, I took a good look at that spreadsheet. Twenty five years and three children came down to this? Me, a stay at home mom, was going to need to write a check to him to settle the divorce and balance the spreadsheet? He was keeping the retirement? I was keeping the debt? No alimony? Child Support based on only his “base” salary, not his quarterly bonuses (which are the majority of his income)? Sell the house? No indication as to where the children and I would live? I thank God for that black & white spreadsheet every single day. The fog lifted, I hired an attorney and filed for divorce. (Of course, it’s been almost 18 months and we are still not finalized…in and out of court, custody battles, house going into foreclosure, etc. etc….but, that’s another post!)

  8. I am in a different situation where I pay my ex child support and alimony. He constantly criticizes me for working too much and not spending enough time with my kids. He can’t seem to keep a job either. When he has a job he always somehow gets something where he can work from home and then takes a lot of time during the day to spend with the kids when he should be working. I am in constant fear that he will lose his job and somehow blame it on me and get more money. He lives in the home we shared and has not paid a single payment in over two years and they still have not foreclosed on him. So, he has a 2,000 square foot 4 bedroom home home for free while I live in a 1300 square foot 2 bedroom condo that I struggle to pay for. He also rarely buys school suplies, shoes, clothes, hair cuts, etc. He also has decided that he won’t agree to any extra activities because our agreement states if we agree he pays half. So, now the girls can only do activities that occur on my days and I have to pay for them. This came about when he decided they needed to play soccer which was in the middle of the day on my days and he was going to coach so he could just take time away from work to take them and then I could pick them up at his house. Which we all know is just a way to control me and lose ANOTHER job.

    Anyway…….my point is that controlling with child support is happening to me too. I am just happen to be the one that has to pay it.

  9. I am going to court this week for child support. My stbx has given me $400 a month for the year that we have been separated. I have two kids. That just about covers the food bill. When I filed to take him to court he freaked out. Why didn’t I talk to him first? We never talked – hence the filing for divorce. I just got served with papers last week, he now wants more custody. My lawyer explained to me that more custody = less child support. Unbelievable – at least to a normal person like me. Everything is a weapon in this game these NP’s play. I don’t want to win. I just want my kids to be happy, healthy and NORMAL!

  10. Yup, mine worked through our entire marriage and made a very good living, we both made the same. He got laid off after I left (they probably targeted him because of his crazy) so he went ahead and threatened managers and the facility. Work did not press charges just told him not to finish out his term, paid him for 6 more weeks, gave him 20 weeks severance. He emptied his 401K and is now suing and winning support from me. I barely make ends meet but he wants money. He has also been arrested and has an order of protection against him for threatening to kill me, but he wins money from me. I have one more stop in my fight against it. If I don’t win that, he gets money. He doesn’t care that I have 2 little mouths to feed, he just wants to punish me and reward himself. The courts are helping. They don’t care about his abuses at all.

  11. My Ex offered to give me every Christmas with the kids if I would agree to reduce the child support. I thought my attorney was going to fall out of her chair.
    He HATES to pay child support. I petitioned to our Attorney General and finally, after a year, he is making payments. They aren’t putting a dent in what he owes, but it’s enough to hurt his lifestyle, and that makes him venomous. Now he wants “his time” with the kids. It’s like punishment. For 4 years, the visitation order was “flexible” in the sense that he rarely kept them. And now, in anger, he would rather hold them hostage in a house with no furniture and nothing to do.