Divorcing a Narcissist: Non Payment of Child Support (Again)

Divorcing a Narcissist: Non Payment of Child Support (Again)

When people talk about “past baggage”, mine revolves a great deal around money.  Sometimes I feel like I have post traumatic stress disorder specifically relating to money.  I hate discussing money.  It stresses me out.

In my marriage, I lived in constant fear that we were going to loose everything.  He borrowed money from people constantly, spent way more than we had and always put us in tremendous amounts of debt to keep up with the lifestyle that he felt entitled to. By the end of our marriage, I believe that our debt totals were somewhere near the $2,000,000 mark.

In the final days of our marriage, I discovered that his admission of being “devious, manipulative and dishonest” were the truest words he ever spoke.  This is a man who ruined his younger brother’s credit in the amount of almost $100,000 and scammed a local concrete contractor for $20,000.  Then there was an ex-employee who he talked into signing for a $24,000 bill — she was subsequently sued and had to pay money out of her retirement that was on top of the $7,000 in wages he didn’t pay her.  He left another employee without pay– unable to feed or care for his family after stringing him along for months on false promises and lies.  He refinanced our home without me knowing.  He borrowed $10,000 from someone that I have to see in church every Sunday and never paid him back.  He scammed a printing company out of $15,00 from a bill that he ran up and couldn’t afford.  Since then, I’ve heard many more stories of scams and deceit.

Today I received a call today from Child Support Services seeking information on my X for failure to pay his recent support obligations. It seems that he got fired (again) and they are trying to serve him with paperwork. They went through a list of addresses to try and determine where he lives and I gave him the current information that I have.  It’s a cycle- he gets a job, it takes approximately two months for his income to create a “beep” in the system and then they finally catch up with him a month later.  By this point, three months have gone by and he can only hold a job for 4-5 months on average.  Back to square one.

He is currently $33,016.68 behind in child support. Interestingly enough, he still has a brand new car, membership at an elite health club in San Francisco and can afford to drink himself into oblivion. In the past couple of years, I’ve heard from credible witnesses that he funnels money through his Uncle’s bank account so that there is no trace of income.  Today I reported that information to Child Support Services along with the necessary contact information for his uncle.  The fact that his family members help him to avoid supporting his daughters says a lot about them.  There is something wrong with many aspects of our system and the Child Support System is one very flawed piece to this puzzle.

I have to believe that it will all catch up with him at some point.  The financial roller coaster of life with a Narcissist continues even after the marriage ends.



8 Responses

  1. Hi Tina,
    I feel for you. I am myself going through a situation that is very similar. Although, I think my ex suffers from Borderline Personality disorder in addition to NPD.

    I am owed $98,000 dollars in unpaid child support. And like your ex he runs and hides and abuses the system.

    I find it heart breaking, that the children are the ones that miss out, when they only have the support of one parent.

    I hope things work out for both of us in the future!

    Lee xx

  2. Tina, because he is defying a court order, can you file Contempt of Court? I know that it is punishable by fine and/or jail time (I was going to do it when my ex-husband was 6 months behind on my spousal support). I am so angry for you. I guess that for someone with NPD, it’s not about what is best for the kids, but about what is best for them.
    I just pray that one day, the Justice system will work for you and not against you.

  3. Mel- Yes, I can. I have to wait until he’s missed a whole month which will be July 1st. I will then go in and file contempt charges. Previously, I didn’t know that this was possible and since I discovered that route, he has been paying. I plan to stay on the financial part this time– which I’ve never done in the past. I have put all of my time, emotions and energy into the custody/visitation portion and now I can tackle the financial side. Someone recently told me that the courts can’t force someone to be a good parent but they CAN force someone to provide financially.

    Side note- I emailed his mother yesterday about his job loss. She was shocked– had NO clue. He’s basically hid his job loss from his own family for four weeks now. Unreal.

  4. My husband wanted to stay in the house so we agreed (through the courts) that he will pay the mortgage while I provide for for our son (daycare, medical/dental ins, food, clothes etc). With my rent and his daycare that was about the same cost so the burden was definitely on me. He then sued me for spousal support and stopped paying the mortgage. There has been no ruling on spousal for him so far but the house is in default with foreclosure looming. There goes my credit and any chance of buying a house once I get out of this marriage. I will be filing for child support once the house is foreclosed upon. I am nervous of him being awarded support since I borrow from my daughter’s piggy bank to buy my son milk, but so it goes 🙁

  5. Tina: I am new to your site, and have enjoyed looking around. Tough business you have going on with this fellow.

    If I may be so bold as to toss out a suggestion in my first post here — in the state where I practice, attorneys are ethically permitted to take on child support collection matters on a contingency basis. Meaning, the attorney is not paid unti he or she actually collects child support money on your behalf. Now, contingency fees can run anywhere from 25% to almost 50%, but you will almost certainly get real value for that investment — my preliminary impression is that your ex will make collection almost impossible for a pro se litigant or a state enforcement bureaucracy.

    I hope this suggestion may prove to be valuable to either you or your readership. Best to all.

  6. Michael– Thank you for the information. I always welcome input and advice. Have a great day- Tina

  7. Tina,

    I was married for 13 years to a man who suffered from NPD. Your story is identical to mine!

    I recently celebrated my 7 year divorcery (my made-up word for the day my divorce was final. It landed on my wedding anniversary) from him. In 7 years I haven’t received a dime of child support from him. He left me penniless, homes in foreclosure and bankrupt. I have not challenged his non-payment because I believe it leaves him powerless to me and the time I have with my teenage boys. I have recently revisited taking him back to court to challenge him with custody and child support.

    What happens to families of narcissist’s is insidious. I fear for my boys…who think that their father and his antics are cool. I frequently have to say, “That is why I am no longer married to your father.” or ” What you just experienced with your father is not what the real world is like.” I pray they will be able to discern their dad’s make believe world from the real one.

    It is somewhat comforting to know there is a sisterhood of us out there. Combatting these individuals is draining and challenging. Hearing other’s strategies is most helpful.

    I wish you the best in your endeavors!!