Divorcing a Narcissist: A Change in Visitation?

Divorcing a Narcissist: A Change in Visitation?

A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing is an idiom of Biblical origin. It is used of those playing a role contrary to their real character, with whom contact is dangerous. As a fable it has been falsely credited to Aesop and the theme is now numbered 451 in the Perry Index. The confusion has arisen from the similarity of the theme with fables of Aesop concerning wolves that are mistakenly trusted by shepherds; the moral drawn from these is that one’s basic nature eventually betrays itself.

I wonder if this was written about Narcissists? What does the Narcissist do when those around him start discovering that he is in fact a wolf and not a sheep?  I believe that I am going to find that out firsthand very soon.

Our visitation has remained the same for the past year- the 1st and 3rd weekend of each month (5th weekend also if applicable) from 11am- 5pm on both Saturday and Sunday.  My fear has been that opening a can of worms (child support) would cause him to ask for additional parenting time.  “Parenting time”…who am I kidding.  I may as well be selling oceanfront property in Nebraska.  Additional time means less child support in his mind- it has nothing to do with parenting time.  It’s about a “percentage”.

Sure enough, the girls got into my car on Sunday afternoon and stated that they don’t want to spend the night at dad’s house.  My youngest daughter asked me to promise her that they wouldn’t have to stay there overnight. Their father told them that they would be spending the nights at his house soon to which they replied, “We don’t want to”.  His response, “Too bad.  That’s the way it is going to be”.

Upon arriving home, I sent him a text message stating that he should not be talking to the girls about adult matters such as changes to the visitation.  These things should be addressed with the court- not with little girls.  He didn’t respond.  I have notified the girls’ attorney and will wait to hear back. In the meantime, I will begin preparing for the next round of battle that is obviously on the horizon.

I live my life wondering what he is going to pull next.  When things get too quiet it either means that he has found another victim or he is plotting something.  It isn’t a fun way to live.  I try to stay two-steps ahead at all times.  If he wants to go in and ask for a change in visitation then he will have a fight on his hands –and it’s a fight that I am already prepared for.  Without trying, I have assembled a small army of people who know the real “X” and who can testify about his character, lies, alcohol abuse, drunk driving, falsified police reports and much more.

There are a handful of people who have contacted me over the past few months– people that I’ve never met.  Ironically, my X tells people about a blog written by his psycho X wife.  Using my name and a few Google searches, I have been contacted by people who know my X.  These individuals are angels in my eyes- despite their fears about my X husband, they have chosen to do what is right by my daughters and they have written and notarized affidavits about who my X really is and citing real life examples of his disturbing behaviors.

Then there are the random emails:  Tina- I have been following your posts since I met your X and I want to thank you for lifting the false vale of nobility.  First off I want to start by saying you meet someone and take what they say at face value, however, after exposure to someone their motivations and actions reveal who they truly are.  Please contact me for further information you may need to help your efforts.  I would divulge further information, however, you have noted his enabling family reads this blog.  He is a loose cannon and don’t want actionable retaliation. ###

In addition to these angels, I was contacted by a man last month who just so happens to be the roommate of my X husband.  Yes, my X’s roommate.  Initially, he was inquiring about my X’s whereabouts because he bounced multiple checks and hadn’t come home in 11 days.  He was concerned that X was in a hospital or in jail.  Through internet searches using information that my X provided about my blog, this man found my blog, my contact information and he actually called me.  We spoke several times in great length and he provided a lot of information about my X including his temper, extreme alcohol consumption and the fact that he drives home from bars after drinking heavily.

To ask for a change in visitation, the burden is on my X to prove that circumstances in his life have changed.  Not only have they not changed, but now I have an arsenal of proof about who he really is.  He knows that I am in communication with the above mentioned people and he knows the information that they hold.  He has now tried to blackmail one individual with information that he knows about her.  Part of his text to her said, “My X wife has details that came from you.  How dare you compromise my children’s relationship with their father“.

I am ready for whatever comes my way and I hope to be able to look my daughter in the eye and promise her that she doesn’t have to stay at his house overnight.  I have a feeling that I will be able to do that soon.  The wolf can only stay in sheep’s clothing for so long before finally being discovered.

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or Follow me on Twitter @onemomsbattle.com

To Purchase “Tina’s Tips”, click here.

7 Responses

  1. Brace yourself.

    The Cluster B Personality hates nothing & no one so much as the person who reveals their lies. They are afraid to look in the mirror and find nothing of value, so they build these fictional identities.

    When you shed light on the fiction, for them it is an attack on who they are, because they do not have anything real under the lies.

    You will see it ramp up, the same behaviors that disturbed and terrified you will make a re-appearance. These are his coping mechanisms and he does not know any other way to deal with his own emotions.

  2. Oh wow, another freaky deja voux moment: I know that same feeling! Every time my ex got quiet or “nice”, I knew he was plotting his next attack (or up to no good).

    Good luck Tina. I’m going back to court for the same reason: hoping to get supervised visits and more support since he skips so many visits. Oh, and my girls say he texts and drives even when they beg him not to. I’m going to fight for my children’s safety– or go down in flames trying.

  3. Does no one in the court ever ask the girls what they want or why they don’t want to stay overnight with their father? I’m horrified that they can express these fears and have court authority figures ignore them.

  4. Good luck Tina! I am in awe of your courage and continued determination.

    From personal experience, I echo Heather’s advice. When I discovered my ex committed perjury, hid assets, lied about property, etc. – he ramped up and retaliated with more threats and manipulation.

    And he knew just where to strike so that I would retreat: he threatened our daughters, threatened to seek more custody, threatened bankruptcy, etc.

  5. ooh if I had a dollar for every time I called, texted or emailed that same line “its not appropriate to be talking to the children about adult matters – this includes child support (or visitation, or telling them I cheated on you, or my financials as YOU see them, etc, etc, etc).
    Stay strong!

  6. Tina,
    Keep the faith. You know your NX, he is living in fear and going to do his very best to impose those feelings on you and how he wants you to live. That is how they roll, so to speak. You talked about it before, he is frightened, lost, powerless and severely wounded. He is dysfunctional. He can project all he wants, but you are not any of those things! He knows that and he knows you have a hedge of protection for yourself, your loved ones and that you are not intimidated by who he is any longer. It is still sad that he is who he is. Whatever happens, happens, but be focused on the fight for what is right and good for you and your daughters knowing that right now your NX is definitely not. A friend told me she uses post-its around the house with little bits of inspiration. I love the ones (most of them) that get posted on your facebook page. Thanks to all for those tasty morsels;). One of my friend’s “rules to live by” is 1. GOD IS IN CONTROL, 2. YOU ARE NOT HIM:). One I would add here is NEITHER IS OUR NXs!