Divorcing a Narcissist: Deliver My Daughters?

Divorcing a Narcissist: Deliver My Daughters?

Our court order is simple: the X must notify us 24-hours prior to a visit if he wishes to exercise his rights to visitation.  Lately, he is pushing the limits.  There is a reason for the order: he isn’t dependable.  If we don’t hear from him 24-hours prior then we are free to go on with our weekend.  His visitation begins on Saturday morning at 11am and he is supposed to email me on Friday morning.

Two weeks ago he pushed the limits and didn’t email until 6:30pm that evening.  I tried to communicate with him last Wednesday about the weekend as I had a funeral to attend and could not risk playing his games.  He didn’t respond to my email nor did he notify me on Friday morning as ordered by the court.  I waited until after 1pm on Friday and then emailed the girls’ attorney and cc’d my X in order to notify them that the visit was cancelled.  At 2:30pm the attacking emails and phone (text) communication began.

 Snippets of the emails:
I notified you in the past weekends, Wednesday and Thursday and you refused to deliver my daughters. It’s not realistic to email you at 11 am on the dime, exactly 24 hours before. I drove 220 miles to get here to see my daughters. You’re a vindictive, hate-filled woman who is using our daughters as pawns to get back at me.  This is unacceptable and you are punishing our daughters in your pursuit to selfishly have the Girls 100 percent of the time.

Snippets of the text messages: What’s it like to be full of hatred and negative energy aging your mind and outward appearance.  I don’t even look at your blog but I hear its a Narcissistic statement of how great you think you are.  You’re a terrible mother because you keep your children from a normal, healthy relationship with their father.  You are selfish, full of hate and you continuously have lied to (the) Commissioner verbally and in writing.  Your time will come Tina for karma and justice.   

Couple of things to note here:

1. “You refused to deliver my daughters” — deliver my daughters?  They aren’t packages from UPS nor do I drive a delivery truck.  They are little girls.  Not possessions.  His emails often reference “delivering his daughters” and it makes me sick to my stomach because the “Narc Decoder” starts flashing bright lights that say, “Possessions!”

2. What is it with X’s and the threat of Karma?  For some reason, I feel that Karma is actually on my side in this situation and most others in my life.  Ironic that he is threatening me with Karma.

3. I find it interesting that he likes to attack my looks given that my self esteem is finally repaired after spending 10 years with him and three years recovering.  Sorry but those attacks don’t work on me anymore.  Try again.

4. I’ve lied to the Commissioner?  Projection, anyone?

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24 Responses

  1. Sorry to say – but this is so typical and sounds just like my ex. Not sure he used the term “deliver” (that’s a term Brits use, btw) but he would say “MY children” to put extra emphasis on HIS rights. We’ve been divorced for what… 12 years now? and he still makes personal jabs about my appearance. The last one was just a few months ago where he said “Why don’t you crawl back into your bottle and do something about that spare tire you’re carrying around…” Something else about my mustache and side burns. Totally irrelevant to our children but he had to find something to attack me with after I flamed him for being a no good loser who is using our children for support; allowing them no life of their own (they are 18 and 20 now).

    I’m glad you have a judge who sees through this bull and allows you an order you can enforce. Something I’ve never had the luxury of.

    You’re doing a great job, Tina and through you, I feel vicariously victorious! Thank you 🙂

  2. He wrote “I drove 220 miles” was he actually outside your front door in the driveway when he wrote that or on his laptop while comfortably sitting on Mom’s sofa that cost more than your car sipping his favorite “beverage” and watching reruns of the Ironman! I am sorry, forgive me, I couldn’t resist;)!

  3. Does he really think he must email at 11am on the dime? Seriously, I’m quite sure that a confirmation on any day of the week, at any time, up until 11am Friday would do the trick. And clearly he does have electronics at his disposal based on the response about visitation being canceled -and based on likely having email access on his phone. Next, let’s not pretend he already drove down as he is claiming. And if he did, he’s intelligent enough to confirm the visitation as ordered, especially since he was prompted for one mid-week.

  4. Exactly. (It looks almost like I am agreeing with myself M), if the man can spend the time and the effort to write the emails and text (and only “snippets” referenced) then he can just as easily take the time to simply state before 11 AM on Friday “I am getting in the car now, Tina, I will call you when I arrive to make arrangements to pick up our daughters for my visit with them-Best Regards X,” but that would be too sensible, civil and normal.

  5. The order is actually very strict due to his history. There were so many times that he would state he was coming but then be a no-show and we were forced (by order) to sit and wait in a parking lot for an entire hour. In court, he would lie and say, “I told her I wasn’t coming” which wasn’t true.

    The Judge ordered him to email Friday morning so that there is solid proof of his communication. He doesn’t have to do it at 11am on the minute but it does need to be that morning- 4am to noon-ish is a pretty big window so even if his workday is busy, he could still send a quick email when he wakes up, etc. Ironically, he was seen here in town at a coffee show most of the day and there was plenty of time to email. He just likes to screw with me because he knows I was waiting for an answer from him. Because of his games and inability to follow a simple rule, he lost a day with his daughters.

  6. Argh…they can be so frustrating. When my son refuses to go i will have him call and tell his dad and give him the reason. My ex will usually argue for a few minutes and then say ok or fine…twenty minutes later I will get a phone call asking why we are not at the drop off place! Everytime i will have to tell him i heard the conversation he just had with son and then the treats of police intervention and contempt charges come up…its like they like in an alternate reality that shifts with the second hand on a clock!

  7. Exhausting! Just reading about it is exhausting. He’s just an ass and obviously just screwing with you. That’s how they roll. If he notified you and showed up properly, then he wouldn’t have anything to bitch at you about.

  8. Yes. If he followed the order then there would be no conflict. He needs the constant drama (connection) to thrive.

  9. I would get the same personal attacks, “you must be very unhappy now, what do you weigh, 220 lbs now?” ( actually I’d be about 180). Also, he would demand my actions, such as, “You WILL deliver the child as per the court order…” not our daughter, but “the child”. I would have to drive 4 hrs to his parents home so he could have his weekend visit, of course he wouldn’t show up. I’d be sitting in a hotel all weekend waiting for 4 pm Sunday so I could go pick her up. He instructed his parents “not to release the child” until that time. In a years time of taking our daughter to her grandparents he showed up twice. Oh there is so much more. So frustrating!

  10. I have voicemails from him- drunk and scary where he is demanding that “HIS daughters are brought to HIS HOUSE…do you hear me? MY house. The house that I OWN”.

    Side note: he didn’t own it- we rented it. Minor error when you have the ability to recreate reality.

  11. Totally! It is interesting how they can blame and accuse us for everything they are doing and everything we are not. I read something, it might of been on here, but it stated, “If you stop spreading lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about you.” Only those of us with Ns know and understand that comment.

  12. What i find almost humorous in these emails (i get the same ones) is that the ex has spent years and loads of energy to convince friends, family and the courts that i was the verbally abusive one and yet most emails are filled with verbal and emotional abuse on his behalf and ZERO on mine. Your ex does the same, and were he a sane person he’d realize that his every communication omly paints the truth of who he really is with hid OWN words. Whenever i confromt the ex witj this fact he states states, “

  13. Sorry phone malfunction!

    That should end stating my ex tells me and everyone else i edit his emails and anything i record lol. They really cant even see their ‘crazy’.

    Mine also loves to put me down, but its sexually. I just roll my eyes. The plain truth is these men were lucky to
    Have us and once we left we became too healthy and strong for them.

  14. I’m laughing and crying at the same time. I’ve gotten texts and emails that mirror yours verbatim. Including but not limitd to the attacks on my personal appearance, the I’m a “hate-filled” woman and that the child support he pays supports our lifestyle. Mind you, he doesn’t actually pay it but in his head everything I am is because of him….. crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

  15. When I read your story unfolding, I begin to think you’re my kindred spirit– we have such similarities!

    Here’s the last email I got from my ex (upon getting served a summons in which I asked for temporary orders to not have any visits until our court date):

    “Pick up the phone. You are making the mental abuse to kids. I’m telling you the truth that what you filed is not the order. That’s the request so I need to follow court order what we have already from last year and this year. You are the one who’s threatening me for restraining order same as 3 years ago. You put all lies what you can think of and made me pay for your lies. You need help from mental specialist to fix your damage. For some reason you just can’t accept when kids have fun with me.”

    Decoder:

    “(He called me and when I picked up and heard him, hung up. He called back and said in the VM, “you did NOT just hang up on me?”) Because you accused me of creating mental abuse to our kids, I’m going to project, and use all the word YOU do. If my lips are moving– I’m lying (that’s why I say things like, “I’m telling the truth”). I only follow court orders if I ask for them, otherwise, I’ll ignore all of them, like the one about our parenting plan that says I have to give you 24 hour notice for any schedule changes, but then I call the Sheriff out when you deny me a visit when I show up 6 hours late. My maniacal behavior caused you to file a TRO in the beginning of our divorce, but I said YOU lied just to shut me off from my kids– and YOU are still paying for your lawyer because of all my neglect, failure to produce and sheer lack of upholding the law during our divorce. You’ve asked me to see a therapist, but I’ll continue to call you crazy, and now you’ve ‘brainwashed’ our kids into not wanting to see me. In fact (lie), you’re jealous of how much fun I have with them” (trapped in delusional state of fun dad with the kids when I get phone calls from my girls in tears begging me to pick them up from his place).

    At least I know I’m not alone. Thanks so much for your blog– you save me a lot of second guessing myself. May you find justice (along with the other mothers struggling).

  16. I’ve heard almost the same exact statements whenever ExN doesn’t get his way.

    I’ve been told that “the truth will out” (I hope it does), that my anger will “turn to cancer, ugly and black” (though I’m not the one sending angry texts/emails), and random disparaging comments ranging anywhere from how he views my husband, my friends, my business, my appearance, my neighborhood, and (most entertaining) my lack of fashion sense (seriously!).

    It must be so sad to have that much anger inside. I’m glad it’s not me that takes the time and energy out of my life to write things like that.

  17. A friend watching my turmoil after the divorce added language to his decree that if his ex did not pick up the kids by 6:15, then the visitation was forfeited. Such a smart thing to add. We wait and wait sometimes. I cancel plans. We sit in confusion. Is he coming? no? We can plan nothing. But if you ask him, he ALWAYS gets his kids when he is supposed to.

  18. It is all about possession to them. A true narcissist doesn’t see others as human beings or any feelings. I have always said the kids and I were no different than a chair in the room to him. If he got angry he would either knock us or a chair out of his way, and chairs don’t have any rights or any feelings.

    I think it’s funny in all communication between my ex and the lawyers he never mentions my name. He only refers to me as “your client” to my attorney. And he also calls the kids “my children”. It’s just possession and it is disturbing!

  19. Mine actually would edit my emails sent to him. I kept and printed every one of them out just so I would have them on hand for when he would attempt to use them as exhibits. I would read through his court motions, find the edited emails, then use the actual emails in my responses.

    I got the sexual put downs too. He loved to do that in front of my son, who was 14 at the time. He finally stopped when one time I braved up enough to say, “No, I don’t have a sloppy ….., you just have a very small penis.” (I would find him checking it out in the mirror after that) Got him.

  20. If I had a nickel for all the times he said “The truth will come out!” I would be rich! Now if I had the same for all the “Karma’s going to get you!” I’d be very rich!!

  21. Tina, my ex sends similar harassing emails. And it’s been years… I don’t respond but keep the emails in a separate folder for future litigation (he LOVES to go to court for no reason – anything to engage me).

    I hope (I bet:) you’re keeping copies. His emails are hostile and reflect a lack of willingness and/or capacity to put the kids above his animosity toward you which in turn is tied to his lack of ability to co-parent. Relevant if he ever decides to touch legal custody (good luck, given his issues!)