Divorcing a Narcissist: Contempt of Court Hearing and Very Muddy Water

Divorcing a Narcissist: Contempt of Court Hearing and Very Muddy Water

In just 12 hours, I will know the outcome of the Contempt of Court charges as we have court tomorrow morning at 8:30am.  Someone on a national mom’s website made a comment about my blog yesterday that really stuck with me.  She said something to the effect of, “I am reading (the blog) and I’m only on 2010 but I’m thinking, with all of the stuff Tina went through, and no one did anything about it, what chance does anyone have?”

My response to her was this: I hope that my blog isn’t discouraging to anyone in this battle– that wasn’t what I intended.  I am in the dark about the final direction that my case will take.  I hope that my struggles end on a happy note and I hope the same for your struggles.  It’s been an incredible journey and I am still swinging.  Tina

There has been a lot of bad but there has been more good.  Taking on a Narcissist and the court system is a daunting task but with any daunting task, it is better to break it up in small pieces.  I take a breather in between court dates and pat myself on the back.  I celebrate the victories- however small they may be.  I allow myself to grieve for the bad days but then I pick myself up and embrace a new day.  I believe in the power of positive thinking and while I am not perfect, I am learning.  The best part of life is that tomorrow is always a new day!

I received my X’s response to the contempt paperwork in the mail today.  Talk about muddying the waters.  Half of what he wrote sounded like the manifesto of a mad man and the other half wasn’t even relevant to the case at hand.  I put a few pieces of his response into the Narc De-Coder:

1. It’s my fault that he can’t keep a job because he finds it hard to focus when we are always in court.

My advice: don’t sleep while my daughters are swimming unsupervised in a swimming pool and don’t drive them on a suspended license which are just the first two things out of 200 that popped into my head.  Don’t endanger my daughters and we can stay out of court.  Cross that line and I will put you in front of a Judge every time.

2. According to the X, I have lived with my fiance since June of 2011 which means that we are married (common law) and therefore, his income should be included with mine.

My question: when did the laws change?  Who knew that “common law marriage” had moved from 7 years to 1?  Yes, he really put that in the paperwork as an argument.

3. He cited old orders about how much time he should have.

My response: Yes.  Those orders did allow him much more time with our daughters.  That was before the courts saw through him.

4. He added all of his recent payments to show how diligent he is on his child support.  Ironically, those payments were all made after he knew that I filed for contempt.

5. He did screen prints of my company bio which lists my qualifications and then (out of the kindness of his heart) performed local job searches for me showing my “income potential” based on my bio.

My response: I am confused.  This isn’t about me.  I take care of my responsibilities.  I have held the same job for three years.  The job that allows me to be home when my daughters when needed and gives me the flexibility to be the parent 98 percent of the time.

One question- is your head spinning?  Mine is.

I’m sure the Commissioner’s head will be spinning also because his approach is clearly one of a Narcissist:  muddy the waters to cause confusion on the topic at hand.  By the time I finished reading his 26-page rant, I wondered if he was really that delusional about tomorrow’s proceedings.  This has nothing to do with me and whether or not common-law marriage laws changed drastically while I was sleeping last night…this is about the X and his obvious disregard for laws and court orders.

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20 Responses

  1. Tina, I have recently discovered your blog and I am so thankful I found it. Although you have gone through much more than I have, my ex is a clear cut narcissist. We are still very early in our battle and my kids are only a year old so I am very very nervous about it since they are far too young to voice anything to anyone. My ex is doing the same “muddying the waters” technique. His visitations take place at my house and he is claiming that it is a hostile environment and that is why he doesn’t show up to visitations (or follow any of the other court orders for that matter) and that I am not cooperative in allowing his to see the kids. I will not speak to him while he is here and will only communicate through email, but I am in no way hostile to him. I am concerned that the court will not see through this and award him unsupervised visitations at his own house. I hope for your sake and mine that the judicial system is smart enough and experienced enough with narcissists to make the right decision. Good luck tomorrow!

  2. Yep, my head is spinning too, but it’s ok, at least our heads can stop, they’re dribble stopping, not so much 🙂

    I am not in the USA, another country altogether, and I have mine in court for breaches of a domestic violence order. Plus, we’re in court over property, and have been in court over parenting etc.

    For the breaches of the DVO, he has plead not guilty and I won’t go into too much detail, but based on the documents and dribble that he has submitted to the courts previously, this case should be somewhat similar. Except, this time he is facing criminal charges for breaching it and I hope they see right thru him. The police have, his solicitor has, my legal team has, so fingers crossed. I can sooooo relate to the dribble… the muddying of waters…. the spin doctor at work, but when you have concrete evidence behind you, it can help to make them look like, ummmm, what’s the word???? You can fill in your own word there *wink*

  3. Prayerfully judge will recognize current visitation order and may need a gentle reminder as to why the current restricted visitation was put into affect and still very much needed and has NOTHING to do with the fact that he is in contempt of court to the tune of 10s of thousands of dollars overdue and payable to you as ordered by the court! His lack of honoring his financial responsibilities to help with children has nothing to do with your earning potential. My X offered the same courtesy, it must be one of the tactics he has been advised would be useful to him in diverting attention away from his “shortcomings” that the family court typically overlook in cases with Ns involved. Lifting it up. No matter what, God will bless your day.

  4. You’ve worked so hard to prepare..prayers are with you tomorrow. Here’s a positive. My ex npd has beaten me down in court over the past year and won each time, more and more custody of my baby. The judge adored him and his facade of the doting father which allowed for horrendous decisions regarding my nursing infant. Today in a courtroom in a different state, he lost custody of his 3 other children who have voices and despise him. His ex wife got all the protection she needed from this monster . He thinks I don’t know anything, but I am hoping to bring to light the true monster my ex npd is, now that there is a paper trail in a different state. So there is hope for us all. Some judges see through the npd, and we can learn from tina, diligence and patience are key. I pray for you tina, and I pray for justice for all of our children.

  5. Is it just me, or does anyone else find the idea of ordering *more* parenting time for someone (male or female) who is tens of thousands of dollars in arrears for supporting their children kind of insane?

    Just saying.

  6. Good luck today! Let us know how it goes. We have court tomorrow for a “motion to reconsider temporary orders”. He’s trying to appeal the temporary orders HE came up with. Luckily, they’re really good orders so my lawyer thinks the judge will say, No.

    But, if he does, I’m not going to rush to make an agreement this time. Sole managing conservatorship. (What TX calls legal custody). It’s the default in cases with “high conflict”, regardless of who the high conflict parent is. I think a case where the other parent questions the primary parent on everything and refuses to go along with it unless a doctor says so is high conflict… We’re even talking diapers. “Why is he in size 3? Size 2 fits him. I want a doctor’s notes saying not to use huggies. He’s never peed out the top with me.”

    My PAN does the muddy the waters thing. Let’s point out all the flaws in YOU so no one sees them in ME. I loved the one where I refused to take LO to his house as the drop off is his Mom’s and he lives 45 minutes away . “You had no legal right to insist on a parenting class and supervised visits! None!”

  7. Good luck today Tina. I will be thinking of you and sending all my good wishes, prayers and strength.

  8. This sounds JUST like my own custody battle… except add that the ex’s father is a Father’s rights attorney. Don’t know you, but love you anyway. Praying for you and your daughters. Thank you for staying in this so long, lets me know that I can too.

  9. You can do it, too, Kari!!! 🙂

    The Father’s Right’s attorney– yikes. That is absolutely a battle but I am cheering you on!

  10. His “response” sounds like a desperate attempt to distract the court. He must think everyone around him is stupid. Don’t let it get to you. Just keep cool and keep presenting the facts.

    A friend, who happens to be a psychologist, suggested that I imagine a forced field around myself anytime I have to deal with my ex in person or read yet another belligerent email from him.

  11. I hope the attorney advertising on the bottom of your post isn’t your attorney….because he is the narc of an attorney representing my narcX and should in my opinion be disbarred!!

  12. Wow! I hope that this is the piece (and peace!) that you need. Do you have access to all of her files from the other court?

  13. I love the force field idea! 🙂 Yes, he believes that everyone around him is stupid but his court papers usually look like they were written by a 13-year old. And to think that I believed his story about being so intellectually superior…hmmm….