Divorcing A Narcissist: Attack of the Narcissist

Divorcing A Narcissist: Attack of the Narcissist

I have personally debated on whether or not to share my most recent “Narc Attack” because I don’t want to give my X the attention that he craves and I know his family reads my blog.  My recent blog titled, “A Typical Narcissistic Email” generated so many messages and personal emails that I decided to spotlight this recent ‘Narc Attack’ in an effort to make other survivors feel less alone.

The back story:  My blog, One Mom’s Battle, was featured in a Huffington Post article titled, “What Smart Women Do After a Divorce”.  It was great advice from Alison Patton, esq on how to persevere after the trials and tribulations of a divorce instead of being trapped in the victim-mode of self-pity.  The article was well-written and my blog was referenced as just one of many ways to cope with divorce.  I was honored but was also confident that the attention I received was enough to throw him over the edge.

At our April court date, my X brought in his newly hired, well-known attorney and was successful in reversing the previous order which called for supervised visits.  I was dumbfounded and speechless.  The attorney kept him at bay and didn’t allow him to dig himself a deep hole.  Basically, the attorney did all of the talking and therefore, my X could not open his mouth and tell lies.  In true Narcissistic fashion, he was on top of the world because in his eyes, he won.  Winning to a narcissist is as important as breathing air.  It is essential to their survival.

Within a week of his perceived “win” he was uncontrollably boasting his victory.  He fired off emails to claim his win to anyone who would listen.  He also went onto the Huffington Post and commented on the article which featured my blog.  The comment has since been removed by the Huffington Post for obvious reasons but I will share it with you today.

###

I am the Dad of the two beautiful daughters pictured for the world to see in Ms. Swithin’s blog.  The truth is the court has my daughters with me as much as my career allows.  Over three years, I have driven 416 miles to spend time with my children over 96 times.  The fact of the matter is my daughters love me very much.  I love them very much and they have never been harmed in any way while in my care. 

Ms. Swithin is continuously perjuring herself in court.  She builds mountains out of mole hills and exaggerates virtually everything to a degree that I feel sorry for her.  She is a person suffering from a severe mental disorder of psychosis.

This is caused by a disease of Systemic Lupus Erythematosus by a world re-known expert on autoimmune deceases.  Lupus or SLE is known to cause many side effects and psychosis is a well-documented side effect of this heart-wrenching disease. 

Ironically, Ms. Swithin’s entire blog is a narcissistic statement.  The fact that she is selling it for $4.99 is simply deplorable. 

I hope Ms. Swithin has the where-with-all to realize the people most adversely affected by this are two 5 and 7 year old daughters.  Truth is prevailing in the Court systems and more and more time is being granted as the misrepresentations to the court by Ms. Swithin continue to unwind.  Best Regards, The X      

###

My response:

There are 1,095 days in a three year period and out of the 96 visits that he is bragging about, we were left waiting in a Starbucks parking lot as he was too hung over to attend the visits or merely “forgot” about the visits.  I can think of a handful of visits total that were a positive experience and those were due to the fact that there were people around (birthday party, etc) to impress.  There is a reason that the court has allowed him to interact with our children for less than 9% of the past three years.  The positive side to the coin: I have had 91% of the influence in my daughters’ lives which I am incredibly thankful for.  They are active, social and happy little girls who are thriving despite what they have been through.

I have never once perjured myself in court.  The mere suggestion is almost laughable given the fact that our Commissioner states at every court date that “Mr. X has lost all credibility in my courtroom”.  He has been caught outright lying to the Commissioner and if the Commissioner were to sit down with our two foot tall file of paperwork, he would see the lies and contradictions in every single paper he has ever filed.

My favorite part of his comment is his new-found professional as both a Medical Doctor and Psychiatrist.  His personal ads online do list that he has a graduate degree so maybe it’s true?  (That was funny!)  He has not only taken it upon himself to change my medical diagnosis from Multiple Sclerosis (which I DO have) to Lupus (which I do not have) but he has now diagnosed me with psychosis.  Projection, anyone?

I do agree that my need to make additional income to raise my daughters is absolutely “deplorable” and if his current child support arrears didn’t sit at $33,016.68, I probably would offer it up for free.  It is also deplorable that our system allows someone to live a life of luxury while not being current on support.

I do agree with the X that the two people most affected by this are my daughters.  That is why I wake up every morning and fight to shelter them from a Psychopath/Narcissist.

I also agree with his statement that truth is prevailing.

To Purchase “Tina’s Tips”, click here.

20 Responses

  1. I am sorry to hear your order was reversed. Hopefully you can appeal. My X is an attorney plus a narc. My story is so crazy and unbelievable I’ve often wanted to get it in writing but have felt overwhelmed on where to start. He has been allowed to use his law degree as a weapon and has abused the legal system to no end – and I am now still trying to get an appropriate amount of child support and am getting no where – at one point he was paying $400.00 a month for three girls as a practicing attorney. He was self-employed and good at hiding income. He has filed voluminous amounts of pleadings in the past which I had to hire counsel to defend putting me in bankruptcy – twice! He told me when I left him that he would leave me penniless and if he couldn’t have me – no one would. He tried his hardest to ruin my name in our community by accusing me of being a member of a “call girl service”, a prostitute, a drug dealer, making meth in my basement, having an abortion, and more. All things he knew would devastate me because of my values and my desire to have a strong bond with the people in my community. He has had me followed by dangerous people, has stalked me, even moved to the town I moved to to escape him. He had me arrested at 3:00 a.m. in the morning and taken off in handcuffs for “custodial interference” for not allowing him to take my children in the car when he reaped of alcohol and had a gun in his front seat. The list goes on and on. When I stopped pushing the child support issue things would calm down. So I went for a long time on an amount of child support that was not fair just so he would leave me alone. One of my daughters came home from highschool last year and told me someone asked her why she was so poor if her dad was an attorney. It’s been a hard road and I have a lot of resentment. But I’m blessed with four wonderful girls (three of them his) and they are all doing well despite what we have been through. There have been some really rough spots for which he is mostly to blame and there are now still some emotional issues that I know are from having a narc for a father and from the pain and embarrassment of different situations he has caused.

    He has moved to another state now and things have been SO much easier for me raising teenager girls because he would constantly play them against me when he lived just blocks away. It made life almost unbearable. They are traveling to see him next week for a few days and I know they will come home with some “brainwashing” but also know that they know me and they know who I am and what I stand for. I hope one day they see through it and learn to avoid the trap I fell into.

    I’m happy to find this blog and wish you and all the others the best while dealing with these monsters. It really helps to talk to someone that understands the dangerous antics of a narc.

  2. Lisa- Since then (the reversal), the supervised visits were reinstated. Unfortunately, it took my daughters’ near drowning for the court to make an order for supervised visits.

    Your daughters will one day understand and realize the truth. The second that they don’t follow his “rules” or “plan”, he will turn on them. It is a difficult road and I wish you the best. xxxx Tina

    PS I was also accused of running an escort service. Another “laughable” moment in this journey.

  3. You’re AWESOME!!! I know this is hard. Hang in there and keep up the great work.

  4. It’s so hard when they come across as believable to “the new folk”. Don’t stop! As the judge eventually saw, his new lawyer will see too. Unfortunately, your daughters are already beginning to see it too. Continue to be the rock star you are! You are an inspiration to many!

  5. Mine was going to tell every one in my family what a slut I was during our marriage if I left him, I did leave and he still hasn’t said anything…but they know me, so it really wouldn’t matter if he did! They are ALL alike aren’t they!?!

  6. This is gold, including the comments. I too was called “psychotic” and WAS thrown into hospitals when he obtained emergency detentions using false claims that I was going to kill someone, or later, myself. Both times I was released as I did not meet criteria. Just that the effects of being forcibly jailed in a hospital are hard, themselves, on a person’s emotional health, especially when they are going through so much more. Really appreciated this post; thanks!
    PS: I received bills for the hospitalizations, adding insult to injury!

  7. I had the opposite experience. I now greatly regret that I did not call 911 and have my husband forcibly jailed (on a temporary basis)—he was playing with a huge cleaver, and glaring at me like I was the most hated *thing* on the planet, just to freak me out.

    Our 5 year old daughter was sleeping in the next room, and I was terrified if I went for the phone he would turn the knife on me. Not a little stilleto switchblade. This is around a six inch deep chinese cleaver.

    If he had been jailed in the mental health hospital, I know he would have been flagged as dangerous. Even now, months after he moved out, the slightest deviation from discussing the logistics of our daughter’s schedule sets him to ranting with logic jumps _no one_ could follow.

    Just a couple months ago he was threatening violence at me in front of our daughter’s therapist.

    I’ve had multiple mental health professionals tell me they believe I am not unrealistic to be concerned for my safety. I am so frustrated with the family court system. They are so focused on preaching father’s rights, they completely ignore the psychological and social damage a disturbed and dysfunctional parent (of either gender) can do to a young child.

    He’s repeatedly threatened to kill himself where our daughter can hear him, and all I ever hear from people when I try to question my options is “father’s rights, father’s rights.”

    What about the child’s rights? Huh?

    Sorry! This started out as a response to Dawn, and then side-tracked. D-Day is tomorrow, so my mind is a bit scattered. Assuming no 13th hour heel digging on his part, I will be a divorced woman by 10:30 am tomorrow. Yay!

  8. Heather– Tomorrow is the big day! I remember that feeling so well.

    The “Father’s Rights” thing is insane. It went from being so skewed in the favor of mom’s in the 70’s …now I feel like they are trying to make up for the fathers having zero rights back them. Let’s set BOTH aside and do what is best for the children– what a concept, huh? 🙁 Sending positive thoughts your way. xxx Tina

  9. Congratulations on your divorce Heather! I am still waiting for mine which seems like it will never come. You need to keep record of any time he threatens you and if he does it in front of someone, you have a witness. Call the cops, file the report, ask people to tell the police what they witnessed. At the very least get an order of protection. You are in real danger. In my state it is illegal to threaten and terrorize. I was able to have my husband arrested and while it certainly has caused new problems, I am living much more peacefully while he waits for his trial…No contact!

    Tina, thanks again. I am still nervous to air my story too much since it is like fanning the fire. I give you a lot of credit for your bravery!

  10. Tina,
    I was struck by your observation that your X’s family reads your blog. I have something to offer them.

    In both my and my wife’s ex’s cases, their families strongly closed ranks around them despite their obvious abusive behavior toward us during our marriages. Apparently we were both expected to take whatever foul life these people chose to create for us, and how dare we find fault with anyone in their family?

    For both of our ex’s families, the pathology has come to roost where it began, in their own respective families. We see financial ruin, sibling hatred and overall family turmoil resulting from the unconditional support provided to their narcissistic relatives. My wife and I look at this and can only think, “There but for the grace of God and the right to divorce goes us.”

    Failure to do the right thing toward anyone, including those who choose to divorce your family members, appears to be karma soon brought to balance especially when a narcissist is involved.

  11. Hi Bill, I was just thinking: How many of us read this blog and are narcissist thinking the other person in our relationship is the narc? Narcs truly believe themselves so how can any of us be sure it isn’t us? You bring up good points regarding family and that should include close friends. I get along with everyone and they (appear to?) get along with me, while my ex routinely alienates his family and siblings. I don’t alienate or get alienated. Yet I still quesion whether it is really me. Narcs can do a good amount of damage no matter how much time they have spent with their victim. I never questioned myself the way I do now. I have a long way to go to recover and I am not even sure mine is a true narc, more borderline P.D., but what do I know? I guw=ess the fact that I am examining myself should help, but I still wonder about my contribution. Such a long process…

  12. Bill-

    At first, I admired them because they stuck together in thick and thin. Divorce wasn’t an option in their minds. Over time, I came to realize that they did in fact expect me to “take whatever foul life my X chose to create for us”. The women in the family are expected to turn the other cheek and ignore affairs, alcohol abuse, fraud, corruption and outright lies.

    Behind closed doors there is extreme hatred, severe dysfunction and turmoil– they all speak poorly of each other yet they will battle the outside world to maintain their image of perfection. It is a horrible existence.

  13. Coming from a small family, I was excited that this large family managed to stick together through everything. It started as a joke when I called them their own little, “mafia.” Now, it’s not so funny.

  14. My experience is that those who ask this question of themselves in the quiet of their conflicted mind is not the dysfunctional party. Narcissists fail at empathy, and it requires empathy to reflect on the affect one’s own behavior has on someone else. If you’re thinking about how you might have hurt someone, or how you might have caused someone else’s unhappiness, by definition you can’t be the narcissist.

  15. Just needed to share, vent really. Sometimes even family members do not understand. It has been recently brought to my attention that my ex may have been at times leaving our 7 and 4 year old alone at night to run to the store while they are sleeping, based on what the girls were telling me I believe that to be true. Because of the way my ex is handling the allegation, it has become more than clear to me that what our daughters were saying is true. I suppose it was my mistake to attempt to resolve the issue with my ex. To be honest I was not sure to address it at all, because he is who he is and I know he is lost and of a depraved mind, especially since I have to live by stringent court orders (visitation)or risk him having more time. The girls are visiting their dad and he, my ex, has been harassing my 7 year old about the issue as well as gaslighting her, accusing her of lying, blaming her for creating problems for him and blaming me that she’s scared to tell the truth and that is why she is lying. She was not before this visit with her dad, but after the way he accosted her on the issue while they are on their visit, it is very well possible that she is now and the girls won’t be home until Sunday. I vented with a family member and they just make me feel worse, like I should be doing more. Does this make sense to you because right now I am feeling a bit nauseous! It is enough to recover from a lifetime of turmoil and chaos in a marriage with a NPD, divorcing one takes it up another notch and when their are children involved, recovering and protecting seems virtually impossible at times. I do not know where I would be without my faith right now. I just want to again offer prayer for all the children in the midst of turmoil that they will find and know a Peace which surpasses all understanding. God bless.

  16. WOW!! My story is so much like yours and so many of the other people on this site. The worst part of dealing with my X is that he is using our daughter as a pawn. I call her his “Trophy Child”. She is beautiful, smart, polite, funny, but he never wanted anything to do with her until we were in public. Now she is his power over me because she is the only thing that I really care about. He has been to court twice and got restraining orders against me by lying and telling the court that I was doing the very things he was doing to me. My divorce is final, but I’m at a loss as to how to fight him to protect my daughter…….

  17. Wow, it’s certainly both disheartening and encouraging for me to read these posts and seeing so many other people who are in the same boat as me. So, here’s my question (and I’m sure all of ours)

    WHAT CAN BE DONE TO GET THE FAMILY COURT SYSTEM’S ATTNENTION THAT THIS IS HAPPENING?

    I understand that family courts around the country are already flooded with high-conflict cases and what I refer to as “6-10” cases. (If the judge had to rate a case on a scale of 1-10 as to how bad it was, 1 being the best one and 10 being the worst, then most of the cases that they hear involving things like physical abuse would fall within the 6-10 range, while cases that are obviously less urgent fall under 1-5. Of course narcissists are masters at keeping their sins in the 1-5 range so they can get away with their abuse and still appear angelic and perfect to their non-targets.)
    I get that the 6-10’s are crucial, I wouldn’t take one nanoparticle away from a person’s right to protection from physical violence, but I think that sends the message that people who are living with emotional and verbal abuse, such as the targets of narcissists, are less deserving of protection from the abuse that they fight on a daily basis.
    Hello, courts, for the love of God, PLEASE wake up and start protecting ALL OF THE INNOCENT VICTIMS and not just the ones that have the bruises to show you.