Divorcing a Narcissist: Another Email for the Narc Decoder

Divorcing a Narcissist: Another Email for the Narc Decoder

Some weeks, you just have to roll with the punches and this has been one of those weeks.

There is a feature on my gmail account called, “Translate text” and I keep clicking it to no avail.  It’s been a while since I’ve received a crazy, rambling email from my x and I find it unbelievable that he actually cc’d my daughters’ attorney on this one.

For those who are new to my blog and new to the world of Narcissism, I like to “process” his emails and text messages through something called the “Narc Decoder”.  Picture a strange metal device constructed in my garage.  The Narc Decoder is patent pending and currently being tested on Charlie Sheen and a few other hand-selected individuals (gotta keep my sense of humor).  Anyway, the Narc Decoder helps me to understand what he is really saying because as we all know, their communication style is crazy-making.

He emailed yesterday to confirm that he was exercising visitation with the girls.  I responded and asked that he meet me in a public location (police station or coffee shop) because I do not feel comfortable at his family’s property.  Despite his father’s glowing declaration in which he touts his long career in local education, the man is not qualified to act as a neutral third party and he makes me extremely uncomfortable.  Instead of a simple, “yes or no” response to my suggestion, this is what I received:


Tina- My Dad educated over 8000 students in his career. Neither my father, (brother) nor I have ever committed any act of harm towards any woman ever.  We do not like you anymore this is true, but we are not going to do anything to any woman ever to hurt them.  It’s just delusional that you have such a fear.

  • Narc Decoder: I have not ‘yet’ created an act of harm to a woman but I am starting to worry about the declarations from three different women who have stepped up to testify that they live in (or have lived in) fear about my actions and instability relating to stalking and passive aggressive threats.

You are creating in your mind a story line to fuel your little blog Tina. I don’t care about your blog.  It’s actually funny to me at this point. You attach (minor’s counsel) when he doesn’t want to meet with you. You attack (the Commissioner)  on it. You attack the Superior Court for not believing your exaggerations.  Where does all this hatred and vengeance come from Tina?

  • Narc Decoder: I am obsessed with your blog which is why I mention it to anyone who will listen and include references to it in each and every court document.

 I just want a normal, healthy relationships with my daughters free of your micro-management of every minute that I am with my daughters.   Your continuous attacks on my character and every member in my family need to stop.

  • Narc Decoder: I am incapable of a normal, healthy relationship of any kind and we both know that.  I don’t like court orders or following rules.  By you telling the truth about my family, we are no longer able to hide our long-held family secrets and dysfunctions.

You are seriously jeopardizing my job at this point. You’ve had me in court, middle of the week 220 miles from my job responsibilities 12+ times this year.  Let alone the amount of time I must waste to respond to your hearings that you file with 2-3 days notice.  I should be 120% to plan making money and moving on in my carreer not devoting 3 days of every work week well responding to your opinions, lies and exaggerations, which you do in every declaration, more and more frequently.   

  • Narc Decoder: How dare you hold me accountable for my actions when I am with my daughters.  They are my possessions and I should be allowed to do anything I please sans authority or repercussions.

If I lose this job, because court is always in the middle of the work week, I will be unable to get another job in this industry.  I will be unemployed and you will not get any money except a small portion of unemployment. You make money, whey don’t you just be happy and get on with your life.  It is time you call it quits.  This is about two innocent children.  You have conducted a severe level of Parental Alienation Syndrome and the damage is apparent but will grow more severe as the children reach teenage years.  Do you really want to be in court all of the time when the girls are 3, 5 10 years older Tina?!?

  • Narc Decoder: I am about to loose my job because they are already starting to see through me. It’s been about four months and that is the life cycle of each job that I get.  I need someone to blame for my loss of employment so that my parents will still believe that I am perfect.

(Youngest daughter) wetting her bed in on you Tina.  She never wet her bed in 2011 when she was with me overnight.  I’d wake her up to potty at 11:30 PM or so and she’d be fine until the morning.  Her having nightmares is on your conscience.  You have caused this Tina. 

These children need to know they have two loving parents.  They need to have a relationship with me their father.  They can call (fiancé) their step-dad but the pressure you put on them to accept him as their dad is causing them to have severe emotional strain and anxiety.  They want me to be their dad Tina. 

I am sorry I sold all the furniture back in 2009. But you had no income.  The family needed any available money to fund your home and my living in two places for the sake of the girls.  You’ll remember you went bankrupt and did not work for 8 more months.

  • Narc Decoder: I am trying to keep my stories straight.  I sold the furniture or I hid the furniture while you were out of town?  Which is the last version of the story that I told?  I can’t remember.  I need to twist the bankruptcy story around so that I have no responsibility for the fact that I ran up almost 1.7 million dollars which included spending my parent’s retirement behind their backs to support my need for a lavish lifestyle.  I am going to blame you for the bankruptcy and remember that time you were out of work for three months?  I am going to add five months to the real number because it sounds better in my head.

Since we have had the exchange at (his family’s house), I have had at least one person present as a witness, either (his brother’s Thai bride) or (x’s father).  I have previously thought about having the exchange at the Police Department.  The problem is this is scary setting potentially for the children. There is no reason for it.  You think after your dragging me to court for three years over nonsense and exaggerations, I would risk yelling at you or harming you, it’s just preposterous Tina. I am not going to do anything to hurt you.  Nor would I say anything to you in the presence of the children you could use against me in court.

 Go on in your life with (fiancé).  I am pleading with you to leave me alone.  Years from now, the girls will be emotionally scarred and damaged by what you’ve done in this divorce.  I think that they’re perception of having an exchange at a Police Department, which is completely unnecessary, will weigh on them as uncomfortable and cause increased anxiety.  When I was a kid Police made me nervous.

  • Narc Decoder: Due to my handful of run-ins with law enforcement, police make me nervous and caused increased anxiety.  Let’s agree to meet away from them.

I would be willing to consider an exchange at the children museum.  Or maybe at the downtown park in the square.  How about that Tina?  I am truly sorry you feel like I hurt you so badly by falling out of love with you back in 2007, but I did. I am sorry I felt compelled to sell all the furniture, but we were broke and you were unemployed and it was prior to my filing for divorce.  I will compromise and agree to the children museum or the park.  Will that work for you? The x

  • Narc Decoder: My ego is so big that I have to believe that our break-up had nothing to do with the fact that you saw my true colors and fell out of love with me.  I’m going to re-create the story in my own mind (and believe it!).  I hope you don’t catch on to the fact that the story changes every so often.  Last week the demise of our marriage was because you cheated on me with 4 different men in four months.  This week it is because I fell out of love with you!  Keep up, would ya?!


My response:

Would you like some cream and sugar with your large cup of insanity?  -Tina

Just kidding.  That’s what I felt like saying.

My real response- short and sweet…no engagement:

I will see you at the Children’s Museum on Saturday and Sunday at 11am.  I will plan to pick up the girls at the same location at 5pm on both days. 


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21 Responses

  1. I feel like I am reading an email from my EX. Do they have a school or something for them?! It makes me sick to see all the blaming, I am in the same boat. Hang in there!

  2. Tina, another stella job at the decoding. I enjoyed the giggle. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that your x and my x give each other advice on how to write/compose any type of text. My emails and text messages are full of such similar crazy making, spin doctoring, nonsense too.

  3. Wow. All I can say is I feel so sorry for your girls (and you too). But be glad that they have a normal loving parent in you to show them love, nurturing and what normal is like. I too am familiar with the twisting and retelling of new lies that a sociopath changes to fit their desires.

    This post sounds exactly like my ex. It’s amazing how much alike all sociopaths are.

    I love your narc decoder. My family, friends and I often do this now when I receive something from my ex. It’s interesting when you finally figure out what they are saying.

  4. WOW! This is exactly something my XN would write. Unbelievlable! Sending you light Tina! Crazy is just the tip of the iceberg …

  5. Amazing how much alike they ALL sound… been here, done this! When asked what your best evidence in court is…. you need to start answering “my ex”. That email is dripping with self pity… like he is trying to convince himself (most likely the atty) that he really is a decent human being. Of course, he comes across as a drama queen.

    I Didn’t know he was reading your blog… hunting for little gold nuggets, I guess.

  6. Oops, hit enter too early.

    Anyway-great response. Good job and sifting through the extraneous information for the ONLY part of his rambling email that needed to be addressed.

    On Tuesday my ex will be served an enforcement. He will also be blocked from my phone and the gmail account I use only for our correspondences handed to my husband to do the sifting for me. I’m too tired to do when he amps up. Kudos to you for your continued stamina

  7. So, I’m not the only one who gets these massively long drawn out emails when you ask a simple question. I feel better. I cringe every time I send an email and get all kinds of anxious because I know it’ll be flipped around on me and attack my parenting skills somehow.

    Ex: My mother has raised both my brother and me as well as helping with various cousins. My girlfriend spent 4yrs working for CPS and has investigated SIDS deaths. Neither of them have an issue with his sleeping environment. I have studied the sheriff’s report about your nephew’s death. I felt it necessary to voice my opinion about what (sister) did to her child. Perhaps if you hadn’t pushed me, I wouldn’t have had to say that.

    Narc-Decoder: I never told my mom or gf about your nephew and I didn’t read any of the SIDS literature you gave me. I read a forum attacking your sister that said she murdered her child, and since SIDS isn’t real, I believe it.. You caught me putting (our infant) in an unsafe environment and I had to distract everyone by attacking your mom and telling her (sister) murdered her son. I snapped, and ppl will realize that was a little too far. I need to make up a reason why and blame it on you.

  8. Oh, and gf working for CPS for 4yrs and investigated SIDS deaths equals gf worked for CPS for a year and investigated the home of a single SIDS death.

  9. O.M.G. I read on Huffington Post that the American Psychiatric Association is declining to make Parental Alienation Syndrome an actual diagnosis. So he’s left with bats**t crazy. My hat’s off to you, Tina, really and sincerely.

  10. Wonderful response.

    And yes, dysfunctional homes across America are the training ground for the next generation of these psychotics.

  11. Oh my goodness. I just cannot believe what you have been through Tina… And what you have been through. Since leaving my husband 2 months ago (we were only married for 6 months) I have finally found out (thanks to your blog and doing A LOT of research) that I was dealing with a narc (his true colours really came out 2 weeks after the wedding) I am doing no contact and for 1 whole month I have heard NOTHING from him. Is it possible for narcs to just disappear if they feel they can’t get anything or any narcissistic supply from you? Thanks in advance. Lots of love and positivity to you Tina. I think you’re amazing xx

  12. Tina,
    You’re X didn’t right the email-my X did!:) Actually I think it is possible my NX has a “ghost writer” who is related to the late Richard Gardner. As if our NXs are capable of having concern for another human being, much less the children. Acting, (or writing) to appear they actually care about us or the children while at the same time subtly making statements that make it appear as if we are being vengeful and vindictive(projecting) and our actions have nothing to do with our genuine concern for the well-being of our children and our justifiable protection of the children against Psychopaths. Oh and then for good measure comes the ominous, somewhat reasonable suggestion or two on what they think would be best with the children’s feelings appearing to be at the forefront of their unstable minds. We do not fight because they are reasonably dysfunctional, they are Sociopaths-raise your hand if you want your children raised by, near or around a Sociopath!
    Finger pointing, blaming, deflecting from the truth-are they really that predictable? My X is a distortionist? (sounds like a profession:) and a manipulater, but I do not think he is that smart, or maybe he is(Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and maybe I was just under exposed to the more intelligent “Dr.” side). With the emails I get from my NX, I think he has someone “coaching” him on how to beat me with distortions(literally and figuratively) and how to say what needs to be said to make me look bad so he can win in front of an audience and in family court. I can tell when my NX writes his own emails versus the more “thoughtful” emails where either someone edited for him or just out and out wrote it for him completely.
    I have wondered what I would discover if I purchased from PAS/dad’s rights websites materials they offer on how to “win” custody, I think it is a waste of money, but I wonder…, just out of curiousity, has any one ever purchased any such “product” to aid them in their battle or has anyone had “coaching” on the best techniques that their pathological NX will most likely use to win in court?
    My ex started waking my youngest in the middle night to “go to the bathroom” when she was 3 or 4, I am not entirely clear, this is against the doctor’s recommendations to do so. When I first realized my X was NPD, the research revealed alot in the way of how they view their own children. Much to my shock and horror of potential of those thoughts and/or actions towards their own children, I was livid when my ex wrote to me that he was waking our daughter in the middle of the night to “potty train” stating that she does not wake up enough to realize what is happening to her. He wrote that to me in an email, needless to say I had to have the “bathing suit zone” discussion with our daughters yet again. He also tells my youngest to tell me that he does things. Once you go there(I think you an idea of the “there” I am referring to, interestingly enough, they start winning in court). Tina, you handled this with grace and poise, thanks again for the admirable example.

  13. Everyone here agrees that this is a reflection of what we get in the mail often. I took the freedom to analyze it and here are the conclusions that match my own experience:
    1. Ten out of 11 paragraphs are used to focus on you. Only 1 paragraph addresses the parenting and it is left at the very end of the message.
    2. The order of the message is this:
    a. The ex gets defensive, which means I am doing something right.
    b. The ex attacks, which means that he cannot let me win, which confirms that I am still doing something right.
    c. The ex takes the role of a victim. This is where I confirm that he feels helpless because I right thing is getting done.
    d. The ex starts to blame for the things that he is inflicting, and here is where I see his true incapacity and the compromise of his mental health (incapable of self reflection).
    e. The ex exalts himself and he is back at his comfort zone. He is done with the tantrum.
    f. The ex tries to manipulate. This is where he plays nice because he knows one of the choices he has will make him accountable.
    g. And finally, the ex addresses the issue that has to do with the kid(s), and not me.

    Tina, you made me laugh and gave me a time for cognitive behavioral therapy. I just changed the way I see at the emails I receive.
    You are great!

  14. O.M.H. I know this post is nearly two months old, but I simply had to echo some of what other readers commented:

    1) This email could absolutely have been written by my ex (but with numerous crimes against grammar and spelling).
    2) It really is as if they attend some kind of school or workshop to perfect this art of distorting reality.

    Do these men ever finally go away? Something in me says they never really do. And that is a very disheartening thought.

  15. I need one of those decoders! He’s is so obviously trying to manipulate even without the decoder. The decoder just makes it kind of funny. Oh the stories I have from my ex about why it’s my fault our marriage failed…. Sounds familiar! Everything was always my fault. Thank you for your blog. It’s a little dose of sanity for us narc victims.

  16. Tina, I just had to tell you this. I read your blog because a good friend of mine TLC from Naples, FL is having MAJOR issues with her narc-x, and although I hurt so bad by the stories that I’ve heard, I had to say that your humor with the “Narc-Decoder” actually made me laugh out loud! I love the translation that you have for your narc-x, and it is so funny. I’m sure you have a story from TLC because of the issues she has had. As a matter of fact, I just bought your book for her since she has been out of work for almost a year and a half, and her narc-x has taken everything he can from her. Keep up the great work, there are MANY out there who benefit from your strength.

  17. I’ve been divorced from mine since 06, separated in 04. He remarried immediately and she has been instramental in his actions towards both me and my children. A true ‘stand by my man, we’re the perfect couple, im the poor victim wicked step mother’ type. Silence has truely been my ally in all these years. Some days I don’t even know how I do it. Your last response sounded pretty much like mine…straight, to the point, and only about the kids. Anything else is fuel for the fire. My son has a little longer until he’s 18 and doesn’t have to deal with it anymore. My daughter has already stopped going over….as soon as she turned 18 she didn’t look back. There is light at the end of this tunnel. Keep your heads up…all of you.