Airing My Dirty Laundry: My Response to a Blog Comment

Airing My Dirty Laundry: My Response to a Blog Comment

Lately, I’ve been receiving emails, comments and messages from readers all over the world.  99% of these messages are very positive and 1% of these usually fall into the “delete” category.

100% of the messages motivate me to keep writing and telling my story.  I wanted to share one that came through last week in which the reader questioned my motivation and direction.

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Hi Tina- This is not meant to cause you further pain. I just came across your blog and find it to be disturbing.

Wouldn’t this all be best handled in a private journal and through personal counseling? Do you really think that disparaging your ex is going to help and protect your children? He is their father for God’s sake. I pray for you that you will see the light and close your blog. Do continue to fight for improved Family Court services. That is where you have a noble cause.  Airing out your dirty laundry on the Internet, where it will reside forever, is just plain wrong regardless of your truth! I will pray for you and your children. –Mia

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Dear Mia- I also find my blog to be disturbing.  The most disturbing thing to me is that I have a blog in the first place.  Had the court system done its job and protected my daughters, I would have nothing to write about.

To answer your questions- I do keep a private journal and I also attend personal counseling for the details that I am unable to share publicly.  These two things help me process the hell that I’ve endured for many years.  The blog is a “glimpse” into my life but by no means is it the entire story.

The blog isn’t about disparaging my X.  His name is not mentioned and I use my maiden name in the blog.  The blog is my journey- my story.  I write because there are other women out there who are walking in my shoes from three years ago.  I wish that I had been able to connect with another person back then who understood what I was going through– I would have felt less alone.  My therapist couldn’t relate to my story because it was that crazy.  My friends who had been through divorce couldn’t relate to my story because this isn’t about divorce— this is about divorcing a narcissist.  The formation of this blog and the research on Narcissism has helped me tremendously.  The knowledge that I’ve gained allows me to help others and it allows me to help my daughters establish boundaries and a voice.  With this information, I can ensure that they won’t be manipulated by anyone in their life—including their father.

Thank you for your concerns- I have seen the light and it’s shining bright in my life despite the shadows.  I promise to continue to fight for change in the Family Court System and this will become my life mission.  I am actually contemplating the start-up of a non-profit organization to assist victims and to educate the court system.  Christie Brinkley was first able to shed light on this disorder when she was re-victimized by Matt Lauer on the Today Show.  Since then, I have connected with so many others who work to spotlight Narcissistic Personality Disorder and together, we will work to make changes.

I don’t feel like I am “airing my dirty laundry”.  I feel that I am helping other individuals by giving them hope that they can regain the power that they lost at the hands of a narcissist.  I feel that by keeping my laundry tucked in a dark closet, I am doing a disservice to others.  I think that these hidden secrets are part of what is wrong with the world.  If people were able to be real and honest about what is happening in their lives then the world would be a better place for all of us.  I spent ten years of my life “playing pretend”, being a victim and worrying about what the neighbors would think.

I don’t plan to waste another minute doing that.

In Love, Tina

29 Responses

  1. As a victim, I support you and find peace in knowing I am not alone and we will all continue to BREAK THE SILENCE!!! Silence is why this all seems so “crazy” to everyone who has never endured the pain, confusion and fight of our lives due to a narcissistic ex. It is not only our right but our OBLIGATION to bring this out in the open to protect our children. Keep your head up Tina…there are many of us fighting our own battle right along side of you. Praying for all of us! Mel

  2. Tina, I am shocked by that comment you received, I think that people who haven’t experienced a Narcissist just don’t get it! I guess I understand that, before this past year, I didn’t know there was such a thing. My true battle hasn’t even begun yet, and I have to tell you that if it weren’t for blogs like yours I would be SO lost right now! Identifying the Narc in my life, anticipating and “understanding” the behavior (as well as we possibly can), is critical in dealing with it and the scariest part of it will be if we go to court (probably inevitable) and I am put up against this “Narc mind” which panics and attacks when feeling threatened or belittled even a little bit. You give me strength where I thought I can’t do it, and hope where I thought there was none. I, like so many others, beg you to keep your blog going and helping those of us that need it and appreciate the time (and painful memories revisited)that you put into it! I am also hoping that when this is really over, whenever that may be, if I keep my sanity I can do something similar. I want people to know! I want them to be able to identify and flee BEFORE they get so far into it that it becomes a court battle for their very own beloved children!! God bless you for all you do!

  3. Laura- thank you so much….the only thing better then being educated on Narcissists is to flee before they get you! 😉

  4. “I think that secrets are part of what is wrong with the world. If people were able to be real and honest about what is happening in their lives then the world would be a better place for all of us to live.”

    I couldn’t agree with you more. Part of why I married the wrong person in the first place is because I was playing pretend and way too concerned about what other people would think if I called off our big wedding …

    My blog through my divorce is my rebirth. It is my declaration to the world that, “I don’t plan to waste another minute” pretending either.

    Love you and your blog! Keep it up!!

  5. I also have my blog to shed light on what most would hide in a dark closet or bury away never to be talked about agaan.

    The attitude that these serious issues should be hidden from the general public and for the victims to pretend like everything is fine is why so many are hurt everyday.

    I talk about what others are too afraid to confront. The truth. Stand tall Tina. You are doing the right thing.

  6. I too, had lived for a long time with someone who made ME feel like the crazy one. Anyone would who ask you to take down your blog for ‘disparaging the father of your children’ clearly doesn’t grasp the kind of mental illness we continue to have to deal with.
    Continued good luck to you and your girls.

  7. MIA has just shown her ignorance on NARCISSISM!
    If one doesn’t experience it first hand, it is a very difficult situation to grasp! I would love to join your cause, but am not sure how to get involved at this point? Please advise.

  8. Mia doesn’t get that narcissists & sociopaths don’t answer to the same kind of adult social pressures the rest of us do. There is no quiet, empathetic negotiation, no concern about the damage done by endless conflict. It’s all about them, and no blog or public comment changes a thing.

    What she also doesn’t get is the absolute necessity of community strength in dealing with these people. My wife and I met and our relationship grew from that common experience, and we enjoy warm friendships with others who found themselves sharing children with narcissists and who now find themselves the target of abuse through that parenting relationship. Sanity comes at the hand of shared experience.

    So Mia, this isn’t laundry. This is behavioral disease. It’s a disease that doesn’t flourish in Asia because in Asia IT’S NOT OKAY to be a narcissist. This discussion is about making it also NOT OKAY here.

  9. Why was Mia reading your blog if she doesn’t like what she reads? How did she find it? The simple solution to that would be to simply not read it. People can be so insensitive, thoughtless and rude. I absolutely appreciate what you’re doing and your blog has further helped me cope with my own issues and I too am in personal counceling. These situations are bizarre, frightening, painful and unfortunately misunderstood by many people who have never lived through it. Thank you for writing these blogs!!!!!!

  10. Bill– Thank you for openly sharing your experience and insight with me (and my readers). I look forward to your comments. -Tina

  11. I don’t think Mia understands that your children will have to deal with a Narcissitic Father for as long as he lives. They need to learn coping skills as well. You have in NO way identified your ex. This is more about learning to understand and cope with a Narcissist in you life. Keep at it! It comforts those of us who have been through it!

  12. Tina, I for one have already expressed my gratitude to you. The ripples of your courage move further than you can imagine. Mia your embarrassment at seeing this pain is what her husband actually relies on and hopes it will shun people away from seeing something that is the stuff of real nitemares. For bad things to happen all it takes is good people to stand by a do nothing. Im sure Tina gets no pleasure in having to deal with any of this, but by sharing her lessons and truths at least her suffering has value in that it can assist those who cannot speak up. Are you saying she should suffer in silence? Surely you are not! As for her kids, some day they will know how hard there Mom fought for Justice and they will see a role model to be proud of.

  13. I think Mia should thank her lucky stars she doesn’t know what it is like to be in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder. If she continues to read, she should use it a a learning opportunity. We all encounter these people at some point and to varying degrees. However, it seems as if these disorders are on the rise in younger generations. If she sits back and learns, she will be well prepared for the time she or someone she cares about does have to deal with one. Keep it up Tina, you are helping many of us get through a week, a day and sometimes just the hour we need it. I am glad to hear the majority of comments are positive. For Mia, please don’t judge. This is definitely a case of having to walk in someone else’s shoes to understand. Look at this as an online support group.

  14. Exactly– that is my goal. To educate others on how to navigate through this experience.

  15. It seems to me plenty of people have spoken up against the attitude Mia displayed, so I won’t touch on it.

    I will say, though, this blog has been incredibly helpful to me personally. Last summer, my husband of nine years announced he had never loved me. He just got tired of dating (before he met me), and decided that he wanted to get married. When we met he decided I would never hurt or betray him, so he would marry me.

    The last 9 years of my life have been a lie. And my husband announces he is proud of himself; he feels like he is finally making himself into a person he can respect. Meanwhile he is shacked up with his (then) married lover (he manipulated me into paying for him to live with her while he was cheating on me and telling me how much he loved me), and our 6 year old daughter thinks it is normal for a married man to have a girlfriend.

    I actually had to have a divorce attorney tell me I am allowed to say ‘no’ to him. My therapist tells me I have been brainwashed to a disturbing degree. The thought of opening myself up to another man right now literally makes me sick to my stomach.

    This is the mindset of a narcissist: Not only that they will do these things, but that they think it is perfectly acceptable to do these things to other people. When someone starts to call the BS, they turn it around, so it becomes you who is unreasonable. It is you who is impossible.

    How dare you expect your spouse to be concerned for your health or wellbeing? You promised to love, honor and cherish them. Stop focusing on how their affairs have affected you and start focusing on their needs, their wants, their demands, their drama.

    No matter how much you love a narcissist, it will never be enough. They will not take responsibility for their own issues, and if you try to gently suggest that they do, it becomes yet more proof that you demand too much of them.

    You are not trustworthy, while they are having an affair. You are not trying hard enough, while they are living with their lover. You are boring, therefore they are entitled to go outside your marriage. They may actually come to you to discuss the state of your marriage, but always in the context of what you need to do better, or different, or try harder, or do more often, or do less often, etc etc etc. It is never about the narcissist taking responsibility for themself.

    The sooner the courts and the public realize the extent of mental and emotional damage these people wreck on the people around them, the better this nation will be.

    Approximately 4% of the US population is NPD or BPD. That’s approximately 1.2 million people. To put that in perspective, that is greater than the combined population of Wyoming & Vermont. That is more people than 8 states can claim as population: Alaska, Delaware, Montana, North Dakota, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Vermont, & Wyoming.

    And our society is becoming so eager to appear tolerant & non-judging that basic attitudes like ‘thou shalt not lie, thou shalt not commit adultery’ are not cut-and-dried simple, *even to people who proclaim themselves Christian or Jewish*.

    Maybe as a society we need to stop out-smarting our common sense?

  16. PLEASE DO NOT STOP YOUR BLOGGING!!! I have had some mutual “friends” say the same to me. WIth Blogging it helps us heal. You have no idea the help you have given me to know that I am not the only one experiencing court failures, or the psychosis of my ex. I love the inspirational quotes you write and all the updates you give. If MIA, or anyone else for that matter, can’t handle it then don’t read it!

  17. Hi Tina!
    I really appreciate your blog….I’ve worried about blogging because of my kids seeing it…but at the same time, truth is truth…and I don’t see you trying to do anything but heal and educate….maybe this person is someone who knows your ex…

  18. keep up the great work…maybe this person is someone who knows your ex…..trying to discourage your work, your blogs have been very helpful…

  19. I am so grateful to have come across your blog. It’s too bad that people have to ‘hate’ on people being HONEST and telling the truth about unjustices. We need to get rid of the social taboo’s of not talking about things and just ignoring them. This needs to be exposed or no one will do anything to attempt to change it. That’s what the courts system thinks anyway. If you don’t complain about something, then they assume that your just as happy as can be with whatever situation your in. I too am in court constantly with my BPD/NPD co-parent. Just yesterday he successfully had harrassment and criminal trespass charges put against me by our local District Magistrate. I walked out of the court bewildered. I thought for sure the ridiculous charges would be dismissed. Boy, was I wrong. My NPD/BPD is so manipulative, that I, with no other previous charges in my life (I’m am 37) and never being in trouble with the law (In fact, I am Criminal Justince major and interning at a Police Dept) now have 2 charges against me. He filed private criminal charges against me and lied about the facts. He called me and theathened to kill my older son, lying and said my older son hit out younger son back in January. I had just dropped our son off to him 2 hours before, he didn’t have any marks on him when I dropped him off. So, I told him I was coming back to see these supposed marks. I am a calm, rational person, I don’t argue or fight with anyone. I rang the doorbell once, and he came to the door but did not open it, he talked through it to me and told me to leave or he would call the police. I never raised my voice, but told him because of these accusations I needed to verify that our son was ok. I said fine, call the police, then they can verify that our son is ok. I could hear him call the police and heard him tell them I was trying to break in. I thought ‘he is crazy, he’s telling them that I’m trying to break in? I better go outside’ I walked arcoss the street and stood and talked to the neighbors until the police arrived. The police checked on our son, told me he was ok, and that we needed to learn to get along -to which I was thinking ‘yeah I know that, tell him to stop threatening to kill my son and making false claims, etc.’, and then I left. How is it that I have these charges on ME? I have absolutely no idea. The police obviously didn’t think I was doing anything wrong or they would’ve charged me, right? I have been at a internship with the police for 4 months. They know me pretty well now. They all thought I would get these charges dismissed, also. He is a master manipulator and a lier. I am in SHOCK about our court system, is such a BIG failure. They don’t research anything, but take the liers at face value. I admit it would be hard, as a judge, to determine who is telling the truth when you have never met the people that are in front of your for a hearing, but COME ON isn’t it their job to get to the truth?!
    Tina I am in your corner. I’m sorry that they did this. Hopefully you can instill in your kids strength to be able to endure the craziness. My son is 4. I have a long way to go. I want to start an awareness campaign in the largest way..but somehow I feel that I will be slighted for it, by the local courts. Although, I also feel.. what do I have to loose? I already am getting false charges put against me that are somehow sticking so far. I do intend to appeal.. with a different Attorney. Oh, did I mention he didn’t even have an Attorney present. I did, against false charges.. and I still lost!!

  20. Sometimes I have no words to explain what I am going through but then I can pop in here and read away and you seem to have every word I was lacking. Many people, and it seems Mia may be included on this, think that it is better to look away. Jesus doesn’t call us to look away from others in pain or suffering, in fact he commands different. You “airing your laundry” reminds me that I am not alone in this. That I am not the only one affected by a sociopath. Please keep writing.

  21. good work. period. you are building bridges to people that otherwise might feel very alone.

  22. Dear Tina,
    On the contrary, I was married to a narcissist. I went to counseling, I talked it out in private with my girlfriends, family and counselor after counselor. I did not air my dirty laundry on the Internet where it will reside forever…where my children could see how unforgiving I was regarding their father. He is a part of them. Had I criticized their father under the guise of “helping others,” this would not have helped my children who are the most important people that I believe I need to be concerned about.

    My ex was previously married. She, like you, did everything in her power to keep criticize him and turn his children against him. Like you, there were court battles over the visitations. Yes, he was a narcissist with a drinking problem, too. I HAVE experienced some of what you say you are experiencing.

    Perhaps instead of airing your dirty laundry online for the world to see, a minister who could help you forgive and move on would be better than the therapist you say didn’t “understand” you and your marriage with a narcissist. Any counselor or therapist worth his/her salt, would not “condone” this blog. Think about it!

    I’m not here to cause you further pain. I do believe you need to focus on raising your girls in a healthy, mature household rather than wasting your time with this blog.

  23. I can’t even begin to tell you, Tina, how thankful I am for this website . I have an infant whose father is a textbook npd. From birth he has been trying to take my exclusively breastfed son away from me on a 50/50 split. This is purely out of spite and hatred for me leaving him, passed off as “trying to be a great dad”. He’s taken me to court 5 times in just 12 months, I’ve spent 8000 dollars on a lawyer, money I don’t even have. He has free legal services due to a family member being an attorney. He can fight forever. I am sickened by how he has been able to come out on top everytime, getting more and more at each appearance because of his unique ability to charm everyone and his lies. He’s gotten baby’s name changed, unsupervised visits, less child support, long visitations and now worst of all, soon to be overnighters. I have never met anyone as unreasonable as this horrible man. In my deepest agony, no matter how much pleading with him I did, comparing my need to be with my baby to the basics of human nature, he had no empathy. I couldn’t understand the inhumanity I was seeing. I sent articles outlining the negative repercussions of removing mom from baby. Still zero empathy, always saying baby would be fine. I had no words to describe him to others except “horrible”. Now I know it is so much more than horrible, it’s npd, and it’s a monster. I’m a fantastic mother and I just want to protect my baby from harm. Before reading this site, I felt so alone in my struggle to understand what on earth was going on. But now, I have clarity. The 17 points you see in your ex, my ex hits. The text messages he sent you to berate and blame you, I could pull up almost carbon copies right now on my phone. My son is a baby with no words, yet screams when he has to be handed over to this man. I have to literally run the other way because I can’t handle passing him off to a monster, but a court order says I must. What my baby must be thinking…oh lord help me. You’ve endured that hurt as well.
    I found strength today reading your entire blog. There has to be justice in the end. The true colors of the monster have to be revealed somehow. You are an angel for sharing your story and helping moms like myself stop feeling beaten down and start rising up. Thank you.

  24. My heart goes out to you– and breaks at the thought of your personal struggle. My girls seem so little to me…but an infant is an entirely different story. I will keep you in my prayers– thank you for reading my blog and for taking the time to write me. It is a daunting process as you know…I have to believe that they will be exposed and the way to do that is through education in the courtrooms. Things have to change as our children are suffering at the hands of these monsters. (((HUGS)))