Divorcing a Narcissist: Actions Equal Consequences

Divorcing a Narcissist: Actions Equal Consequences

I recently completed a parenting class called, “Love and Logic“.  I began taking these classes when my oldest daughter was a toddler and it made a world of difference during the “Terrible Two” stages and beyond.  The style of parenting is very appealing to me and the basic idea is that parents provide an atmosphere of love, acceptance and empathy.  The natural consequences of the child’s actions do the teaching.  This approach is best delivered when the children are young and the consequences aren’t so great.  This parenting style affords the children many “choices” to equip the child with decision-making skills as an adult.

At a very young age, my children were taught (and understand) that all actions have consequences.  Consequences are delivered with empathy and love.  They learn to ‘own’ their problems or less-than-fabulous behavior.  They also get to watch empathy being modeled.  There is irony in the fact that I’ve always been drawn to this parenting style yet I was married to a man who didn’t care about consequences, didn’t own a single problem and has never experienced empathy.  (Now I am humming, “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette.)

Tonight he called the girls and reminded both of them that it was Father’s Day.  He then proceeded to play the victim card by explaining (again) that he was going to be here in town and how sad it was that he wouldn’t be able to see them.  He mentioned it several times.  He then said to my oldest daughter, “I want you to make me a Father’s Day present and maybe figure out a way to give it me“.  She looked unsure of what to say and didn’t respond to him.  Of course he continued by saying, “I don’t know how you can get it to me but maybe you can figure out a way since I will be in town?”.  She stared at me with a confused look and shrugged her shoulders.

I know that he is the King of spinning his own reality but this was a bit over the top even for him.  Does he expect her to borrow the keys to my car and defy court orders by hand-delivering a cute little Father’s Day package to his doorstep?  She shrugged her shoulders, I shrugged my shoulders and we went on with our night.  The reality is that he could see the girls yet he refuses to set up the supervised visits.  He hasn’t seen them since the ex parte hearing.

For three years, there have been a variety of ‘actions’ that have placed my daughters in jeopardy both emotionally and physically.  The most recent set of actions could have easily resulted in tragedy.  The consequences of those actions were handed down by the judge: supervised visitation.

I pray that the Judge upholds the current order when we go back into court next week (Wednesday, June 20th) and makes the Supervised Visitation a permanent order.

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18 Responses

  1. Wow…I feel for your daughter, how horrible he is to make try to make her feel guilt that she isn’t bringing him a present on father’s day. Horrible…he doesn’t deserve a present!

  2. I too am in a very strange situation. Although my children are older they are guilted into seeing their father for fathers day. My children’s father lives 5 minutes from us yet never sees his children…but now that it a day about him he wants to see them…so sad!

  3. He is one sick puppy. That event was sadism masking as narcissism. My condolences to you all.

  4. When my ex and I agreed to June’s time sharing schedule he never mentioned Father’s Day and as far as I am concerned, it is not up to me to remind him. So, Monday he told me he was taking our son to dinner and that I needed to make the 40 minute drive, go somewhere while they eat, and them come back and get him. I not willing to do this, so he is now threatening contempt. Because it is not convenient for him and because he needs to put on a show for everyone else he is going to put us through this.

  5. Was the girls’ grandfather actually there at the pool for the near drowning incident like he claimed (didn’t you say he submitted a declaration saying their dad quickly jumped in to get them), or was that just another of his lies?

    I hope the supervision becomes permanent too. You’d think the fact the Ex has made no effort to exercise the supervised visitation would show the judge that the Ex’s priorities do not lie with the children.

    Please keep writing Tina! Your blog is so interesting and it is so helpful to hear these accounts of Narcisstic behavior. Good luck at the hearing next week.

  6. My ex hasn’t exercised access in 3 years. He tells everyone that I deny access. What do you tell your daughters if they ask why they aren’t visiTing with their dad? How long will he forfeit visits if superision becomes permanent? Video calls became a tool for him to manipuate our daughter. It was awful since he liked to relay messages and tell her how sad he was that he couldn’t see her but someday they will be together and hell be able to tell her “everything”.

  7. He is a peice of work. It needs to be be realized that being a sperm donor and being a father are two different things.

  8. So, so sad. I thought my husband would request to see his son on Father’s day, but I think he knows it would likely be a missed opportunity to say he wasn’t “allowed” to, or I wouldn’t let him so he can be the victim. I feel think like Terryann, not my place to remind or suggest, it’s his. Such twisted minds 🙁

  9. Thanks, Bill. It’s difficult to wrap my mind around– and difficult to stomach the thought that this is what the girls have to look forward to.

  10. Yes- parade them around like the good Father….and get attention from waitresses on Father’s Day 🙁

  11. Sorry I am posting on this page, I could not comment on the other recent post about acquiring an attorney. I want to offer words of encouragement and prayers to you. Hang in there, faithfully you will overcome this upcoming challenge. I have not read all of your post,just the most recent ones, but it seems you are a women of faith. Remember, if God is with you, no one can be against you, no matter what happens, He willed it and He will not leave or forsake you and He works all things for the good. Sending many, many blessings your way.

  12. Been there, done that. My kids are grown and hate their father…they saw how cruel he was. My oldest actually went to court for a name change to my maiden name. Patience, my dear.

  13. The interesting thing is, I’ve never said a foul word about their father to them. Not one since time. Even at their young age, they understand– at 5 and 7.