I wasn’t home for Seth’s weekly phone call last night. This morning at breakfast, Piper (age 8) brought up the phone call and was very annoyed with Seth. This was the jist of it:
- Seth: Did you do anything exciting this week?
- Piper: Yes- today I had my 2nd guitar lesson and I also got a new guitar!
- Seth: Really? That’s neat. Is your sister doing that also?
- Piper: No- it’s only for 3rd graders.
****Few other random interactions take place. A few minutes later:
- Seth: So….last time I spoke to you, you said that you were going to start guitar lessons. Did you?
- Piper: Uhm…..uhm….yeah. I did.
- Seth: Do you like guitar lessons.
- Piper: Uhm…yes.
Really? He hasn’t seen the girls in four months and only talks to them once per week yet he can’t even listen to what they are saying?! As Piper was explaining what happened, she was laughing about it in a mocking way however, I know it hurts. It provided yet another glimpse into their father’s world however, they don’t have the knowledge or experience to process it.
This morning I woke up to a question that had been emailed to me from someone on the Facebook page.
“For the past 15 months since I left the N, when I call to talk with my children he has a new song for me to listen to on his phone while I wait for him to answer his phone, which he usually takes his time. The last two songs that I’ve had to listen to are, “Your Gonna Miss This”, by Trace Adkins and “You’ll Think of Me”, by Keith Urban. At first I thought I was being oversensitive now I see it as his way to continue to manipulate my feelings. Has anyone else dealt with similar situations?“
My frustrations from last night and the email above both served as a reminder to me.
It is SO easy to get caught up in this sick and never ending cycle.
I am also guilty of this.
I think it’s so important to come to a place of acceptance which is instrumental in healing and moving forward. Was I expecting different from Seth? Do I really think that he gives a flying doggie doo-doo what the girls are saying or is he keeping up with the weekly phone calls for show? If I am holding him to the same standard that I would hold a normal, healthy father up to then I should also attempt to purchase ocean-front property in Kansas off of Ebay today.
In terms of the constant Narc manipulations which are being played out in country songs over the phone, you really have to get to the place where you can laugh at how pathetic things like this are. If you give each little manipulation too much thought-you’ll end up stuck in the cycle. Once you can except the fact that every thing they do is a manipulation or a ploy to win- it gets easier to laugh at each desperate attempt to hurt you.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a switch that you can flip to go from pain to laughter.
It takes a lot of education on the disorder and self-work. If you allow the narcissist to manipulate you then essentially, they are winning. I think it’s important to pick your battles wisely and focus on the main issues at hand. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in every little detail or you will never break free of their sick and twisted world.
Take a deep breath and then take your power back.
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Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle” is available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.