She Turned her Can’ts into Cans, and her Dreams into Plans

She Turned her Can’ts into Cans, and her Dreams into Plans

Cants and cansI’ve mentioned before that the final days leading up to my book printing were filled with self-doubt. I had a moment of panic one afternoon in my kitchen when I realized that I had successfully sold people on my book while it was still in the project form.  What if it received horrible reviews? Would I ever be able to show my blog-face again?

I have been receiving messages and emails lately from women who are filled with self-doubt and worried about whether or not things will ever get better. It is discouraging to think that being the emotional punching bag for a narcissist is what the future holds. I can tell you that there will be dark days but they won’t all be this way. I think back to the two years of my life where I couldn’t sleep through the night because I was awaken by every sound and creak in the house.  My bed partner at that time was a shiny steel hammer tucked under my pillow but that feels like a distant memory to me.  During that time, it felt like it would never end.

If you would have asked me three years ago if I thought anything positive could come from the hell I was living…I would have probably cried. Positives? That would have been both laughable and cryable to me at the same time.  While I sometimes (often) question “why” things are happening, the past four years have taught me to lean on my faith because while I didn’t understand it….there was a plan.

When I first started my blog in November of 2011, I said the following: “If I can help one other woman to feel less alone in her high-conflict divorce than I’ve completed my goal“.  I feel like I’ve accomplished that goal.  I have spent a lot of time questioning the direction that I want to go with this platform that I’ve built.  I know that I want to make changes to the system but I need a team to do that– all with different strengths.  I have learned that my strength is in educating people through the media — my high school marketing teacher, Mr. Brewster would be proud to see that I was paying attention in his class!

If you have experience in non-profit start-ups or the expertise to begin the process of changing laws state by state, I would love to talk to you.  Deciding what is best for a child should not come down to Father’s Rights or Mother’s Rights– it should be based solely on what is in the best interest of the children.

If you are feeling defeated then allow yourself to feel defeated for a day (two max).  Pick yourself back up and keep moving forward.  To this day, I’ve never seen a “never-ending tunnel” — there is a light somewhere and you just need to keep walking until you find it.  Don’t give up!  You never know what the future holds for you.

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Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.


13 Responses

  1. Hi Tina,
    Thank you so much for these encouraging words.
    I am suffering with fear and doubt right now.
    My ex ( who I believe suffers from NPD) is going to have
    our son this weekend. The first time in a month.
    My son has become so much calmer in the time he hasn’t
    been alone with his father. I feel like such an awful
    mother to be totally helpless in having to leave my
    son alone with him. We have a court ordered visitation for
    every other weekend for 3 nights and every other Thursday for
    4 hours. Beni’s dad Ron has been difficult for 3 years now and
    Is only getting worse as I have followed through with guidance from
    a lawyer and pursuing child support and a custody
    arrangement. I am trying to get help through a victims outreach
    center as well. But I have been enduring venomous messages from
    him for so long which was bad enough but now I am witnessing the
    stress he is directing at our son. The courts want us to go to conflict
    resolution counseling which should start in a few weeks.
    I will finally be able to show a therapist all of his evil messages. And I pray
    that they will realize that a person who can send that many nasty insulting messages, I get
    on average one a day, has to be sharing that information or at least giving off
    harmful negative effects onto a 3 year old boy.
    I hope this makes some sense to you. I just can’t believe I found someone
    else who has gone through this awful experience too.
    So thank you again and I look forward to reading more on your blog.

  2. You could not have picked a better topic than what you posted today. It was like you were reading my mind. Today has been one of those days for me where I feel beat down and have so much worry about what is coming next. My mind has raced all day with the worry of what he will pull next, what will he drag me back to court over, what lies he will tell now.

    Life is stressful enough with kids, work and everything. When you compound it with going through a divorce with a sociopath it tends to be stress on steroids. On top of that I have a 16 year old son with an illness that has left him disabled in the past year since I left my abuser.

    I was typing in my journal as I often do to try and ease my mind from the racing and what ifs when your blog came through on my email. You are so right; there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is worth the fight.

    I hope someday the laws in this county will change where victims are not victimized over and over again in court. And it all starts with movements like your blog.

  3. just what the doctor ordered, after a day of wondering and not wanting to give up i open my facebook up to this article.
    i know i have rights, im not crazy, where do i go to get the proper and legal wordage, to fill out my motion or petition to get the judge to hear all the allientation, invasion of privacy, verbal abuse my phone, text and email, the financial loss of two attornys, and severe physical illness over the entire separation, and the list goes on. now its over the deed to the house, the money from his 401k account he owes me, and i got screwed on the simple 5 minute phone call that my ex should have made which would have saved me $362… UGH….

  4. Hang in there, D! You can do this– but allow yourself downtime and pity parties as need ((Hugs)) Tina

  5. My daughter is 3. I was just informed today that she will start overnight visits. She has night terrors, can’t poop and won’t eat at his house. I have the same emails. It’s like no one cares. We are a file on some judges desk who couldn’t give a crap about me or this small child.

  6. My journey is in its 3rd year and never gets any easier. I have taken the “bull by the horns,” and am one semester away from completing my legal studies degree in Florida. I needed to know what all those forms meant, how to file them and what to expect. My ex has a lot of feeders in his camp and I have only myself to rely on. My son is my life and I will go to whatever lengths I need to (within the law of course, LOL) to protect him and not give up 😉

  7. Dear Tina
    I don’t have the knowledge for the things you need just now but I want to put up my hand and jump up and down saying “pick me” because if there is absolutely anything I can do to help I’d love to try.

    Thanks for your email today. My Decree Nisi came through last week, but my Narc ex is still arguing about access to our daughter (he gets plenty!) and the financial side of things (he’d be happy to leave me penniless). So I know there is light at the end of the tunnel but I feel like he will continue to argue forever, and I’m very tired of that!

    Thank you for all your inspiration!

  8. Thank you, Susan! I am keeping you in my thoughts– I know that it feels exhausting….and never ending. (((hugs))) Tina

  9. Hi Tina,

    My story differs from most of you as I am the child (mid-30’s now) of a narcissist. My family broken (my parents are still together in a horrible marriage) and despite my attempts to bring us all together through family therapy, my father has made his intentions clear going as far as saying “I know I treat people like crap. It’s ingrained, I will never change.”. He played things up for years but the stronger I got, the more I was able to call him out on his actions and I refused to be a victim. I will only speak to him with a therapist present so that I have a witness. The emails have finally stopped (knock on wood) because I stopped responding to his bait.

    What I can offer to you in terms of help (I’m in Canada) is the perspective of a “child” which might give the non-N parents on here some hope to persevere in their pursuit to get out of the relationship for good, protect their kids and validate their feelings.

    Thank you to those who are breaking the cycle for your kids and I hope you all find your worth and value after what you’ve been through. Hope we can all meet up one day for a big group hug 🙂