A Mother with a Heavy Heart: Divorcing a Narcissist

A Mother with a Heavy Heart: Divorcing a Narcissist

heavy heartI am writing with a heavy heart. I am angry, sad, frustrated and afraid. I am sad that the Family Court System repeatedly prevents me from doing what nature intended me to do: protect my young.

When I sat down late last night to update everyone on our current situation, I was actually feeling hopeful.  Given our history and an open police investigation, not to mention an open CWS investigation– I thought that supervised visits until our next hearing on February 5th was a no-brainer. Sadly, I was mistaken.

My ex parte request for supervised visits pending the completion of the parenting evaluation was denied today.  I don’t know why– because it was an emergency hearing, it was all done by paperwork so I was not in the courtroom when the Commissioner ruled.  “Devastated” is the only way to describe my feelings while reading the Commissioner’s verdict.

Prior to each visitation with Seth, I tell my daughters, “Have a great time today!” and when my daughter sends me text messages from her dad’s house I am always quick to say, “I love you too- have a great time and I will see you at 5pm”.  Sometimes it takes everything in me to say those words when I am concerned about their safety but I do it.  Even with everything that has happened, I have tried to encourage their relationship with their father.  I have never uttered a negative thing about Seth to the girls and when they talk to me about him, I am “Quick to listen and slow to speak”.

With the recent news that Seth is hitting my daughters and grabbing their arms/squeezing them….where do I find it in myself to tell them to “have a great time” with their father?  I know that the court expects those words from me or I will be accused of the abusers favorite term: alienation. Even scarier that these recent events took place with other people in the home.  Seth’s mother, Cleo, was upstairs when Seth hurt Piper and after all was said and done, Piper confided in Cleo about the events that transpired.  Cleo’s response: “Let’s figure out a plan so that your dad handles these situations better”.  Yes, let’s do that Cleo.

If I stay true to myself then my gut feelings have never been wrong.  My gut feeling is that there is something very wrong and my daughters are in danger. I am watching his mental health decline as reality creeps in and the anxiety takes over. I’ve lived with this man for almost 10 years and I know the state he is in right now.  With the parenting evaluation on the horizon, this is a time where he should be wearing the cape that says, “Super Dad” — not physically assaulting and threatening two little girls and then forcing them to write all of the positive things that happened during his visit.  His recent behavior tells me that something is really wrong.  The thought of sending my daughters into that madness right now terrifies me to my core. ###

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11 Responses

  1. I am sooo sorry Tina that you and your children are going through this. I have to say that this is my biggest fear & hurdle when it comes to me leaving my N husband. I know logically it is better for them but I know what the punishment will be to them & I won’t be there to protect them. I applaud your strength & persistence to helping your own children and being there for so many other people. I will pray for you and your children …

  2. My ex is physically & sexually abusing my toddler and has done so for the past 7 months. He has schmoozed and manipulated 3 caseworkers and they have officially ruled every incident as “normal childhood injury” or “false allegations” and closed the cases. PLEASE tell me how sexual trauma or 4 injuries in 4 visitations a normal childhood injury? He is still allowed every other weekend and every other holiday unsupervised with my child because NO ONE WILL LISTEN. I wait for the phone call that tells me he has killed or raped my child. Our court systems are fucked up.

  3. Are you able to have someone else check in on the girls by calling your ex or Cleo? Maybe drop by the house? Even if it’s a phone call about something else entirely, they can ask how the girls are doing and listen for them in the background. It would be helpful if you could get another set of eyes or ears in there. If the court won’t order supervised visits, see if you can get someone to do a little bit of that anyway. Depending on the technology your girls have, there is an i-program called “Facetime,” and it’s basically Skype on the phone. Of course, there’s also Skype on the phone. Your daughter/s can also leave their phones on and connected to you so you can hear what’s happening. It sounds like he takes control of their phones, but if he forgets or doesn’t notice…at least you’d get to hear what’s going on. I hope it works out sooner, because the degeneration of someone like this is unpredictable and very frightening.

  4. I know it’s not the answer you wanted, and I know the frustration and fear you are feeling, believe me I have been there. We are starting to shine a light on these things and things are light years better than they were 10 years ago. Don’t give up. Just regroup for the Feb. hearing and know that we’re all behind you!

  5. It is funny I said almost the exact same thing to my attorney today, I said I have a sick feeling, I know him really well, and I can just see into his state of mind right now, he is frantic, obsessed and on the edge, and I fear for my children the most, no one gets it, they think he just needs to cool down, or eventually he will pull himself together, it never ends though, I pray for a act of God.

  6. Hey, we have been studying and investigating the fathers’ rights movement and how it is tied to court corruption, actually driven by court corruption and we are trying to identify those who are directly involved, those who are indirectly involved and those who are innocent and ethical.

    I do not know if you want more information on what we have discovered, but we have created a group where data is collected and analyzed, and we are trying to identify a pattern and or a connection to the actions in the courts of giving children to the abuser, and the fathers’ rights movement… here are a couple of paragraphs from one study, this is not ours, just additional information we will add to our own… please let me know if you have other pertinent information. this world is run, and ruined by narcissistic psychopaths, there are hundreds of thousands of them, and they are in charge of everything.

    “The Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996 and the Temporary Aid to Needy Families (TANF) program it created transformed welfare policy by drastically reducing and shifting federal assistance away from the homes of mothers and children and into the homes of violent offenders. In an article entitled “How Federal Welfare Funding Drives Judicial Discretion in Child-Custody Determinations and Domestic Relations Matters” fathers and rights activists Lary Holland and Jason Bottomsly explain that this policy has backfired because the incentives are structured so that the state will only benefit if children are removed from loving homes…”

  7. I am so frustrated by this. I feel for you and your family. I struggle to be optimistic myself, especially with a vital court date coming up in under a month. As a parent, move forward on issues that you think are very obvious and vital for the well being of your children, and hope the Courts will make the right choice. You think, “how can they not do what is right in light of this evidence?” Yet, they constantly fail. How can they not see what the other parent is doing to these children? I ask myself that every time I have to deal with Friend of the Court, Protective services, or the Courts. I just keep telling myself to keep doing what is right for my children, and pray that eventually it will be enough. Stay strong mom. What else can we do? You are not alone in this struggle.

    Does anyone know of a forum for open discussion on dealing with these kinds of (NPD/BPD) “Co”-parents?

  8. Tina, I am sick inside knowing too well what this feels like. I too, have to send my child to visitation knowing he claims he is being hurt and neglected. It is one of the worst things a mother can face. Get through this evaluation- I know you are well prepared for it. The only advice I can offer is to make sure that you are arming your daughters with the knowledge they need to protect themselves from the emotional abuse and crazy making. When we, as mothers, can’t protect our children we need to teach them how to protect themselves. It forces them to grow up way too fast but this is better than having them grow up thinking thhe abuse is their fault.

  9. I’ve experienced the same heartache. Now what do we collectively do about it?? Deborah Parks above comment suggests collecting data. I think this is the answer, unfortunately, At this point in time, that’s not helpful to you and others in the same situation. So take suggestions with a grain of salt, think, be wise and pray hard for what you really want. There is no good answer, just trial and error. If you error, you may sacrifice more than you choose to. I’m truly sorry for your concerns.

  10. Your post is word for word how I feel. As a mom, our job is to protect our babies. Yet the courts force us to go against every single bone in our bodies and pass these children over to monsters. It takes all I have in me to pass my baby over and keep myself together for the hours and hours that my baby has to be with the most dangerous person I know. I see fear in my baby’s eyes. I almost have to go into a trance to survive the helpless feeling that overcomes me. It is truly unbelievable that we are at the mercy of the courts and that we can’t protect our children.

  11. I can’t believe how I can completely relate to your story. In addition there is a girlfriend at their Dads that has threatened my oldest. How can we protect our kids? It’s so sad….