Building a Foundation on the Truth

Building a Foundation on the Truth

Sometimes I need to practice what I preach.  I often tell people not to waste their emotions on Narcissistic attacks.  These people do not deserve the feelings, emotions or reactions that we often give them.  Last night, I allowed my x to get under my skin.

My daughter’s health insurance expires this month and thankfully, child support services enforced the court order stating that my x has to provide health insurance through his company.  I emailed him two days ago asking for the policy information.  He sent it and I wrote back a very simple, “thank you”.

Last night, I opened my email to discover this email (I removed a few portions but this is 98% of it):

Tina- Why dis you cancel the health insurance for (the girls)?  With my loss of a job last year due to various factors including your constant harassment and vexatious litigation against me, you did a good job providing insurance for a few months. Why did you cancel our daughters insurance that was provided by (your company)? I would have thought you’d follow the court order to maintain health insurance for the children.  

Albeit, you have not once in 4 years done anything to help ensure that our daughters could have a normal healthy father-daughter relationship with me, their father. Instead, you didn’t show up at countless scheduled visitations because I didn’t notify you precisely at 10:59 AM. You knew I was waiting, yet you refused to let me spend a few precious hours with (the girls).

You are obsessed with “destroying me.”  People who know me and you keep asking, “What’s up with Tina?  What’s wrong with her?”  You are publicly demonstrating that you are mentally unstable in the community.

It is so disconcerting that your motivation is money.  You read the Secret in 2008, you watched the movie 3 times in a row;  it states the recipe for success is to write a book to become “Rich” and that’s your goal.

You are proving you are vengeful, selfish and uninterested in how much damage you are causing to (the girls) for your own “ego boost”  bragging over “100,000 visitors to my blog!!”   Tina your desire for fame and money is obviously more important to you than preserving our daughters sanctity and privacy.  I doubt your book will generate any profit, but the point is the girls are going to be emotionally damaged forever by your book/blog. What if I walked around calling you names and saying you’re bipolar. How would they feel about themselves when they heard their mom has more than a few screws loose.  

You have not once in 4 years done anything to help ensure our daughters could have a relationship of love and nurture with me, their father.  You don’t tell me about their performances, you had (your fiance) bring them to a father-daughter ball and you make (oldest daughter) feel rewarded when she informs you of anything negative.  

I am not “disturbed ” a “narcissist” a “psychopath” or “sick”.  I have been successful in my past with education and business but my only interest now is (the girls), and ensuring they make it through college with a healthy and free attitude to enjoy life and the challenges.

You are proving you are vengeful and obviously obsessed with “destroying me” by your blog; at least my reputation in a small town where I grew up and you know many people know me and you.  I am going to seek damages to my reputation and my parent’s career options. This is inevitable if you continue your libel, slander and defamation.  Or just use your free will, do what’s in the best interest of (the girls) reputations now and when they’re teenage girls and stop all of your defamation and libel.  

Tina you went to (a continuation high school). You barely finished high school. You’re a good fiction writer, that I’ll give you. But you have 0 training in psychology. You have the audacity to write, “As you know, I was successful in obtaining new parenting evaluation at our last hearing,” Tina you asked that my daughters were limited to see me on Saturdays (with a supervisor present).  Your filing an FL-300 “Request for an Order” was to take the children away from me completely. Your blog is a conundrum of crafted and intricate lies.

I asked as Item #1 for a Custody Evaluation because our children need a mentally stable parent in their lives. You’re clearly demonstrating pathological patterns of delusion with no Interest in the truth; with no interest on right and wrong; nor how ethically to do what is right for (daughters).

 You want money and profit from a delusional fictional narrative in your own (quite possibly clinically bipolar) mind.   I am deeply concerned about your mental stability now that I have read your entire  blog. It’s disturbing on many levels. I am most concerned now about how our children, (daughter #1) initially and soon (daughter #2’s) emotional damage will manifest upon exposure to their Mom’s words about the Dad they love just as much as you Tina.

 You have no idea how negatively this will affect our children. This is no “battle” as you say. It’s not about putting on “big girl panties” and “fighting” as you state on your blog. This is not delusion or fiction Tina, it is about two children who’s own sense of self is reliant on a healthy relationship with their father and mother. Their own self-esteem is from both of us Tina.  You calm them “mini me”. That alone is poor parenting. Let them be themselves and decide for themselves Tina.

I am pleading with you to stop your little ego feed from the blog, go back to earning an income and move on in your life. Stop obsessing over what gym I work out at, where I live, what girlfriend I may have 220 miles from where my daughters reside, and get on with your own life.  ###

I stared at the email and I let it get to me.   I had many reactions to it.

1. My x actually cc’d his attorney on this email.  How can someone read this and not question his mental stability?  I emailed his attorney (for the 2nd time) and requested that he cease this type of harassment.  There is a court order in place that prevents these emails and this is the second one this month.  I have been requesting that he cease from these emails for three years.  At this point, filing contempt charges may be the only way to stop this from continuing.

2. I wanted to respond to so many things that he wrote:

  • For the sake of my daughters, I want to beg him to stop giving me information to write about.  I started blogging out of desperation.  No one in the court system was listening to me.  I fought for a parenting evaluation in 2009 and they didn’t see through him or listen.  I fought for minor’s counsel in 2011 and was left feeling the same way.  I want someone to be accountable if something happens to my daughters and publicly blogging about this nightmare gave me hope that someone would finally listen.  Someone has to listen because I feel the same desperation today that prompted my blog in 2011.
  •  I can’t encourage a “normal, healthy father-daughter relationship” if there is no foundation for it.  I want more than anything in this world for my daughter’s father to be healthy.  I don’t want my daughters to ever suffer emotionally.  I would do anything to fix him and their relationship.  Anything.
  • I am not bi-polar nor has there ever been any question about my mental stability.  My therapist will gladly attest to this fact.  My mother was bi-polar; I am not.
  • I am not trying to destroy him and in fact, I have my Facebook adverts blocked from my entire country and surrounding counties.  I wish that he would stop reading my blog because its not about him.  It’s about so much more.
  • I wanted to tell him to take this energy that he expends on these email attacks and put the same amount of energy into something positive- like a relationship with his daughters.  If he could use half the energy he spends trying to hurt me into something healthy, I would have zero content to write about.
  • I am tired of the delusions.  I don’t have Lupus.  I didn’t go to any type of continuation high school.  Where does he come up with this stuff?  As much as I learn about these disorders, I will never understand how someone just makes up a new reality in their mind- and then seems to believe it.

I called my Aunt tonight to talk about the email.  I get angry (with myself) that I allow myself to be hurt by his words.  I needed a pep talk from my aunt.  I want to share the email that my dear Auntie Bev sent me because her words are so true and I believe that her words can also help many of you who struggle with the same thing:

Tina- You know the truth about you….but you haven’t let it become your foundation yet.  Let the truth be your foundation–then nothing anyone says will affect you.  Learn from the “Three Little Pigs.”  Build your “house” so that no one can destroy it.  Be strong in what you know.

I suggest that you build your foundation by building a list (and emotionally absorbing it) of truths about Tina.  Then do a list of lies about Tina.  Be confident of both.  That is what you need to do in your mind and in court–show what an ugly, evil, nasty person he is and how his lies make him uglier.

You are a strong, healthy, loving, kind, beautiful, intelligent woman and an amazing mom.  Period.  Own it.

I love you with all my heart. Auntie

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31 Responses

  1. Tina, as I read your words, my exact reaction came to mind. I just read the response to our next court date this month. I got literally sick to my stomach reading his lies, accusations, criticisms of my parenting, blame for all of our children’s misfortunes, and then the sucker-punch ending: he wants MORE time with our youngest. Here I’m trying to fix the problem, reacting to the claims my kids tell me. In his words, they “hate him because I’ve poisoned their mind that if they love him, that’s betraying me.” I shake my head in disbelief of where he gets this outrageous idea about me, but then I remember that he’s sick in the brain and using all the tricks his sick mind is equipped with to hurt me. Don’t lose sight! Like you, I lost it and felt the jitters in my stomach. The worst thing I can’t stand is injustice. He knows this, and uses it against me. The best defense is the truth. Be smart, and gather what you can to use it against him! Let the facts speak for themselves in the center of insanity the N’s keep causing. Seriously, on a side thought, reading the crap my ex wrote in court documents is abhorrent. He should be institutionalized. But that’s a whole other story. Chin up, Tina– we got your back!

  2. Hi Tina,

    I’m very sorry that such ridiculous and frustrating things were written to you. It is incredible that some individuals are actually willing to put all of their lies and rantings down on paper, but there is a very clear reason why they do so: The most important thing is for them to say everything they have to say. If they said it out loud, they would be stopped dead in their tracks and they know it.

    If a person called you on the phone and started in on you like that, there would be absolutely nothing preventing you from hanging up on them without a word. If they were standing in front of you, there would be nothing stopping you from walking away. But in writing, they have a captive audience. In writing, certain people know that they are guaranteed a full read-through of all of the things they want to say in both you and your commissioner.

    It’s very sad, isn’t it? Truly sad that a man who professes to be grown and a professional and a dedicated parent is willing to destroy his own credibility and his reputation, and many worse things that I don’t even have to name, all in order to force his way in to five more seconds of attention. If his words were actions, he might be arrested for indecent exposure or even assault.

    He’s hitting below the belt – targeting your love of your daughters with accusations of mistreatment in an effort to compel you to respond to him. Let that tell you how strong you are! He has to pull the dirtiest of tricks – and make himself guilty of even worse than that which he accuses you of in the process! – because you have out-grown him. Good for you!

    Keep moving forward, Lady, because you are presenting a ROCKING role model for your little girls!

  3. Thank you so much. DO you know what my response is to him? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. He doesn’t deserve a response.

  4. This is just what I needed to hear today after getting an answer and counterclaim to my motion for temporary child support, etc. Full of lies as you can imagine. “Mr. X has a wonderful relationship with his daughter.” ??? Well, thanks for clearing that up ~ My child and I were under the impression that you had to be present to have a good relationship. Oh, and maybe care about the other person’s feelings. Your Aunt is very wise and anyone that matters knows the truth about you. Your girls are lucky to have you and so are the people that come across your blog. Thank you for educating the courts and the world!

  5. He’s getting desperate, isn’t he? He’s trying to pull out all the punches, trying to ruffle your “big girl panties”. He’ll find out that those panties are made of asbestos. Let him flame up, his words can’t hurt you. His emails are so text book, I would bet that all of us here get the same ones from our ex-Ns, only the names are different. That is why your de-coder works. If you de-code this one, he’s scared. Scared of you, of what you’ve become, of what you are able to accomplish. I am thankful for your blog. I just wish it was around when I was going through all this. It would have made my battle, and yes, it is a battle, much more easier to endure. Keep it up!

  6. Absolutely not worthy of a response. Don’t get down on yourself for being hurt by his email. Who wouldn’t be hurt. All of us understand the sheer panic that instentaneously shoots down our spines when we see that there is a text or email from the N. It takes evey ounce of energy to open your eyes and read the madness. That’s why we know its abuse. If it wasn’t it wouldn’t be so terrifying to read. The feeling you had is normal. Tomorrow you will be better, and the best part is you’ll be stronger! Thank you wholeheartedly for blogging and sharing with all of us. For many of us, our only strength lies in knowing from you, that we are not alone.

  7. They’re all doctors and lawyers, aren’t they. He accuses you of having no medical training to “diagnose” him as a narcissist, yet he does to “diagnose” you as bi-polar.
    He accuses you of writing to destroy your daughters, yet it is your writing that keeps your mind clear to uplift your daughters.
    It was nice of him to warn you of his next court move to sue you for damages to his reputation. At least you’ll be “expecting” those papers and the crock-of-dung they will be. That’ll be fun for him to prove since his identity isn’t a part of this blog.
    Keep writing. You are helping hundreds of thousands of women with your honesty, and your humor. That matters. That’s a good thing.

  8. It’s like he’s a twin to my exNH. Wow.

    I agree with the earlier poster…anytime mine reacts like this it’s because a nerve has been hit and headway made. ESPECIALLY when a lawyer or parenting coordinator is cc’d. Document it and ignore.

    My question for you is this: How did you get a court order in place stopping these types of emails? Please share!

  9. Tina,
    This hit home on so many levels. I have PTSD and it is difficult to remember who I am when the things he has said to me and the children go around and around in my head.
    Thank You for sharing.

  10. Tina tell your aunt from me that I do not even know her but I love her already. I sooooooo needed the message she is giving you. Court for me Tuesday, I feel good about it, then I get completely scared. My ex also claims I am bipolar (again I am not either, I have ptsd and anxiety/panic attacks). But my ex could have written that email. And when i read it whoosh flash back to one of my ex’s emails. I found a wonderful group through meetup.com for ptsd and depression. Hang in there. I will too.

  11. Hi Tina!

    You mention in this post that you have a court order against emails. I was wondering what type of order it is? I have been getting crazy emails and text messages from the narcissist in my life for years now. Your blog is so helpful in so many ways! Thank You!

  12. Tina,

    You are so blessed to have an Aunt like you do. She knows you without question or doubt and distributes her strength when you are weak to you reminding you with strength of who she knows you to be, without doubt. I had to pay a lot of money to get her advice from a therapist who knew me from many different angles and over a period of time so at least I could believe him. His words “define your own reality”. Oh so true. Your foundation is your truth, your reality of what you know to be. Not the crap X is spewing but what you know.

    Tina, We have all received those emails in one way or all ways available to these fighters during court. They are textbook. They probably have some secret website of form letters which indicate where to change the names with instructions as to what point to send each one in the court process for the best adverse affect. It’s too unbelievable they all read the same and only the names change.

    Luckily, when the trash and lies came my way and alarm and fear for my child subsided, I would recall his most blatant lies, like “I was a professional firefighter for 8 years”!!! NOT! (there was not 1 year he didn’t have documented incarceration of some sort since adulthood) “I have been sober since 1998 chairing troubled teen meetings” (has a 2001 and 2003 drug charge in our county with a simple google search)! So with that I could calm down as these were notarized affidavits to the judge. Nobody cared it was blatant provable perjury.

    Know that we all react momentarily to these emails but with time we have clarity. The best thing is when that time is in seconds rather than a day. Your job is to bring the truth to the forefront and he is feeding you all the points to focus on in court with this garbage.

    I wish you all the strength and clarity in court and that the judge is fair and able to discern the truth from the lies.

    Keep up the strength and thank you for being you Tina.

  13. Tina,

    Keep up your wonderful blog. I know it helps others like you in the battle to protect our children and ourselves. It is helpful to read others stories who have been through the same thing.

    It seems to me your ex is scared that you discovered the truth about him. His email reminds me of a child having a tantrum, like a bully on the playground throwing sand at you.

  14. For about 5 seconds I found myself questioning if your Ex was on to something.

    Then I realized it seemed to feel familiar because it is all stuff my ex does and says whenever I try to enforce our court order. Currently he has *more* parenting time than the court awarded him–mainly because he keeps threatening me with court or jail time if I say ‘No’–but he still demands to take me back to court. I’m not even sure what he wants at this point.

    I would love to simply enforce our current court order–I don’t believe getting a new one would change anything. It still would not apply to him, and he would still want more.

    Isn’t if funny, how much they boast about being unique and none-conforming and counter-culture, and yet they are all using the same playbook to pull the same tired tricks?

    Hang in there.

    Huggles

  15. Well- the order states that we are both to refrain from any emails that do not pertain to the children. It was done in 2010 and I believe that I requested the order.

  16. Tina,

    You should not have to deal with emails like this. I get abusive emails from my ex, react then get mad at myself for reacting because I know in my head it’s not about me. Then I remind myself to acknowledge my feelings (as a healthy reaction to harassment) but not engage with them (in yoga we’re taught to notice thoughts and feelings and not fight them but then actively choose not to engage with them).

    He’s trying to throw you off balance to affect the evaluation BUT it will NOT work because you know him too well. I am guessing he’s copying his lawyer as a scare tactic, but from what I’ve read on your blog, you’re better in court than the lawyers I’ve worked with! Your ex comes across as a bully and a coward.

    You’re the better parent, he knows this, and, being a narcissist, can’t stand it. So he bullies. It’s their MO. He’s so much like my ex! I remember reading that narcissists look to dump their rage and envy on others. He may be doing just that with his email.

    His email is bait. Good for you for not taking it. Try blocking his words from your mind. It’s senseless noise.

    Oh, and by the way, if one of your evaluation issues is harassment, I’d attach his email as an example.

    Take care!

  17. What a blessing to have someone tell you how valued and important you are and how much you matter. I have someone like that-His name is Jesus 🙂 I am so loving Auntie! God bless you both.

  18. Tina- I want to add something… you should NOT be worried about this evaluation. For Petes sake- look at what you have accomplished in family court! You have managed to keep your girls protected from a narc and even had him on supervised visitation in a legal climate that sometimes awards custody to abusers! You are a rock and an inspiraion- not because of your blog or any potential sucess from your book… but because you have suceeded in putting your children’s needs above your own, regardless of the personal price you are forced to pay (attacks on your character). People spend thousands of dollars hiring expensive attorneys to do what you have done on your own! You know this process inside and out- and you will suceed because you are smart and prepared and you know what you need to do. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and don’t look back.

  19. Perfect non-Response. They hate that more than anything. They want you to get riled up and defend yourself.

  20. Reading that email from him, know what it sounded like to me? Desperation. Fear. Losing control. You’re on the right path and he’s in a panic of losing – in court. Not losing his girls, but losing in court, to you. And THAT is what is really unacceptable to him (and his family.) Its got nothing to do with girls, and you know that. It also has nothing to do with you. This is pure manipulation and control. I’m super glad you didn’t respond! You’re doing the right thing!

  21. I briefly skimmed through the email from NX’s mother, I mean NX, she, I mean he neglected to mention the $30,000. he owes in back child support and oh yeah the time he was passed out drunk while one of your daughters almost drowned and is only alive today because the other one saved her life. Focus Tina, focus;)!! You got this.

  22. I cannot believe the eerie feeling when reading this.
    I am in the same situation with the same type of emails, assassinations on my character and critiques of my parenting; all by someone who chooses not to take his once a month visit with this children.

  23. Different situation but very similar to e-mails I’ve gotten from the N in my life. Not an ex spouse, but an ex friend, ex because she is very abusive, nasty and controlling–and her every e-mail made me afraid to open and read it. Then I blogged (changing names, of course) about the things she had done and how she had abused and destroyed me, but how I realized that she was at least one Cluster B disorder (borderline and narcissistic both fit, and I’m told her mother is borderline). She found my blog and sent me an e-mail very much like this one your ex sent you: denying any disorder but accusing me of being “not all there,” calling me the bully, claiming innocence, laughing at my pain, denials, twisting, more blaming, legal threats, various other threats….And this after I specifically told her through my blog, DO NOT contact me except to apologize. I posted again for her to never contact me again, and so far I’ve seen nothing more from her, even though she and/or her husband keep checking my blog at least once a week.

  24. I am so grateful for your blog. I have been feeling insane for months, and reading this has given me a name for the insanity that has been happening to me. Crazy emails. Push me pull you with our kiddos. Continued vitriolic hatred emails about once a week since before our divorce. Crazy-making behavior. My own fear. The complexity of trying to co-parent with someone who won’t “co-” anything. Very erratic behavior. His dramatic statements. Finding a name for this, finding this blog is a blessing.

  25. Hi Tina
    I have to say when i read the email that your ex sent you about the insurance, I started laughing. Not that it is funny at all. I just know this all too well. I have heard from my ex all of the same ramblings of yours. His email gave me an idea, I should try to sue my abusive, narcissist of an ex-husband with libel and slander just like he said he would do to you. My ex has slandered me all over town. I am in a huge custody battle right now, and use the family wizard and stumbled onto your site. I ordered your book and can’t wait to read it. BTW what is with them and INSURANCE?? My ex keeps changing his and now my kids haven’t been to the dentist in about a year and he is blaming me….of course!!

  26. The insurance has been a HUGE issue- they all use the same playbook. There MUST be a chapter on insurance 🙂

  27. I’m convinced the deal with insurance is that mental health & medical professionals “get” the narcissts’ number.

    In my case, the medical insurance people could see all the STD tests that were being run for me, the mental health treatment bills, the therapy bills for our daughter.

    They could also see which person was paying those bills, and which was not.

    Combine all that together, and professionals can add it up and get the simplest answer: s/he is somewhere on the Cluster B spectrum.