Why is a Narcissist like a Chocolate Chip Cookie?

Why is a Narcissist like a Chocolate Chip Cookie?

Alanis Morrisette took the words right out of my mouth when she sang, “Isn’t it Ironic?”  It is ironic that the comment I hear the most is, “Were we married to the same man?!”

Narcissists make people thing that they are so special.  They are so unique.  They are better than everyone.  For so many years, I believed that my X husband was everything he claimed to be.  I believed that his family was exceptional.  He put me down in a passive aggressive way and over time, I started to believe that I was all of the things he said I was: unattractive, unworthy, unintelligent and unloved.  He accomplished what he needed to do in order to survive: he put himself on a pedestal and I lived beneath him– looking up at all times.

As time goes on, you discover that they are not unique—it’s actually quite the opposite.  They are all the same.  There are slight variations but I equate it to baking chocolate chip cookies.  There are variations in the shapes and sizes along with the placement of the chocolate chips but every cookie has the same ingredients.  When you are dealing with a batch of cookies, all mixed in the same bowl using the same ingredients, there is nothing unique about them.

I found a quote in a Time Magazine article about Narcissism where Jeffrey Kluger wrote the following, “It’s a deep and all but certain truth about narcissistic personalities that to meet them is to love them, but to know them well is to find them unbearable”.  So very, very true.

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15 Responses

  1. Tina,

    I just found out that I have to go through mediation with my abuser as required by my state. I’m nervous and scared and have no idea what to expect. I do know mediation will be a waste of time because he is a diagnosed personality disordered person. Did you have to go through this? and if so what was it like?

    D.

  2. We were forced to try mediation. We both went into the same room together with the mediator and within minutes, she realized that I was shaking and he was hostile. She had me go sit in another room while she met with him for 45 minutes. She came and got me and said that she was “red flagging” our case and recommending a psych eval. She didn’t even waste her time talking to me about mediation because she saw through him and knew that it was pointless.

    Hang in there– I hope that yours is as easy as mine was!

  3. In CA you can request a separate mediation, I chose not to because I was advised that the mediator would see through him when he started talking, or he would bury himself. She did see through him, plus I had my CPS worker on my side and she called her during the break, while she was writing up the report. Try not to let him intimidate you and if he does the mediator will probably see this and should help like Tina’s did. Plus I had to fill out a form before the meeting and wrote I was a victim of domestic violence on it, so she knew what was up before she met us. Good luck D. it’s a nerve-wracking time but you will come through it!!

  4. A good mediator will notice those red-flags Tina was referring to.

    My state does not require mediation, but does strongly encourage it.

    After a ten minute conversation (with releases) with the marriage counslors (yes, multiple), the mediator herself told me she did not think it was worth the money, and advised me to spend the money on a divorce attorney. We never even met in person.

    For the mandatory mediation, try to stay calm. I know that is a bit like saying try not to breath. You have the right to have an attorney present. You also have the right to have a support person (family or friend, etc) present in most states, so long as they do not interfere.

    If there are any police reports or medical reports, xrays, etc, bring them with you. Emails usually are not admissible in court in most states, but they are in mediation, so if you have any of those crazy-making emails, bring printed copies of those as well.

    Know what you a) need and b) want, and c) what you will be willing to compromise on & d) what you are not willing to compromise on.

    The compromises will show the mediator you are a reasonable person. Exercising & maintaining healthy boundaires will not reflect poorly on you either.

  5. “For so many years, I believed that my X husband was everything he claimed to be. I believed that his family was exceptional. He put me down in a passive aggressive way and over time, I started to believe that I was all of the things he said I was: unattractive, unworthy, unintelligent and unloved.”

    And then, since I didn’t know what he was? I tried, through our couples therapy, to uncover the fact that his family was so dysfunctional and maybe that led to his feelings of insecurity and abandonment (because his mother was a piece of work, let me tell ya). Do not ever, EVER even hint at the fact that a narcissist’s family was imperfect in ANY way. Of course they are, were perfect, and ever shall be perfect…they are an extension of HIM!!!

    I am one of those, Tina…you know I am…everything I read here is like reading my journal. HAHAHAHA – as if I ever kept a journal while I was with him. I couldn’t. No matter where I hid it? He would find it and read it and then berate me over it. So this is like reading what I would have written in my journal if I could have had one.

  6. Thanks so much for the suggestions. It is my understanding we are mediating in separate rooms with our attorneys and the mediator going back in forth between. It is crazy! He has been arrested and banned from our state and was forced to get a psychological evaluation. The psychologist that did the evaluation said he didn’t even recommend supervised visitation until he gets months of mental help. So, I’m not sure what this mediation will do.

    I will bring all police reports and of course my copy of the protection order. I just don’t know where I can show compromise when he’s been evaluated by the psychologist recently as dangerous to our kids. We have NO money to split. He quit paying our mortgage and our house was foreclosed on, so there are no assets to compromise on. Any suggestions that can show I can compromise without subjecting our kids to danger?

  7. If it’s that extreme you may not need to worry about compromises.

    I hate to phrase it this way, but you may be lucky enough to have someone who is so extreme even the courts see through him from the get-go.

    For most of us, it takes the court two or three years to issue arrest warrants, & to refuse even supervised visitation.

    I’ve never heard of mediation in separate rooms before, so it kind of sounds like the court already realizes what you are dealing with her. Especially if the court order psych eval resulted in ‘do not recommend supervised visitation’.

    In this situation, you may not need to worry about compromising at all.

    Just try to be calm, if uncomfortable questions are posed to you, try to be factual without being overly emotional or bitter.

    The court already knows he is not stable; you want them to see that you are.

    I hope it goes well for you. Feel free to message me on my FB page if you’d like to talk more: Blue Eyes and Bruises.

    I’ll be praying for you.

  8. Stacey, that’s horrible!

    What a disturbed person.

    I hope you are getting emotional support from family or friends, and that you are getting mental health support from a rock-star therapist.

  9. D.,

    My state (Florida) also requires mediation. It only took a few minutes for us to get separated by the mediator. She immediately recognized the hostility and also his craziness. She could only give recommendations, going back and forth between two rooms, but was amazing and supportive.

    Best of luck to you.

  10. D.: When my wife was escaping her abuser, she sought help from a local agency in coping with the abuse, in her case verbal at the hands of her narcissist. Besides getting excellent advice, she has been able to refer to the assistance from this well-known agency each time her X hauls her back into court, and it produces instant comprehension in commissioners, mediators and subsequent therapists. Each time it’s a matter of repainting the picture of abuse, so having outside help that is recognized by the court can be very beneficial. And just FYI, she was very hesitant to get that initial help because she thought it’d make things worse. It’s been very much the opposite for her.

  11. D.,
    Do not let go of the fact that the “professionals” have deemed him a danger to your children, and that you agree with that assessment! If they ask your opinion on how to handle it, reiterate that if the “professionals” after thorough assessment agree he is a danger to the children and that you will do what needs to be done to keep the children from any danger from your X. If the ‘professionals after their assessment say no visit, not even supervised until-then that is what you say as well. If you have support of your own that you trust, ask them their opinion on the matter and be prepared. Practice what needs to be stated about all of the facts that you and your attorney have presented to establish his abuse, especially towards the children and towards you in front of the children and always be truthful. If you are nervous and fearful, say so. Do not doubt for second that you are a good mother and that you take great care of your children(Your ex and his attorney might try to plant a seed of doubt that might fluster you). Stand firm on that position of the danger he presents which is backed up by facts and professional assessment, even if it feels like you are being coerced out of it. Stay strong on that fact and all others as well. Ns and many lawyers are liars-the truth, no matter what happens not only sets you free, but it helps to keep you grounded! I believe you do not have to sign right there, but I am not sure. Ask beforehand, and if necessary insist for time if they want you to sign anything you are not in the slightest bit comfortable with. I have not read all posts but I agree with others here that the mediator may see through him, but it is always best to be prepared in case they don’t. At the beginning of this process for me not knowing what to expect at all through me for a gigantic loop. If you have a good attorney then he will be advising on how to best be prepared and you will feel, see and know like that is what he is doing for you. If you pray, that is always the best preparation. I’ll be praying. Keep us posted. Blessings.

  12. Tina,
    Always so spot on! I love the Time Magazine quote. I am going to make some time this week to bake a batch of peanut butter cookies with the girls this week, I never really cared much for chocolate chip, now I know why!:)

  13. Just a quick toss off of M’s comment.

    You *never* have to sign on the dotted line in mediation. The purpose of mediation is to come to an agreement you can jointly put before the court. Mediation may be binding after the divorce is finalized, but prior to the divorce order nothing is finalized you (or a judge) have not signed.

    Frequently, if you cannot come to an agreement, both parties attorny’s will draw up their version of a final divorce decree & the judge will choose one. Or will choose pieces of both in an effort to make something equitable out of the situaiton.

    Otherwise M’s advice is spot on. Great comments!

  14. I thought about that after I posted this. I probably won’t be able to stomach a chocolate chip cookie again in my life. I am partial to peanut butter or oatmeal anyway 😉