Obeying Orders

Obeying Orders

As I prepare my case for upcoming court date, I needed to obtain the reports from the company who supervises my X’s visits.

There have been a total of three visits- only two hours each visit.  My fear in the beginning was that my X would put on a huge act in an effort to win the Father of the Year award.  Since the visits are only two hours in length, I didn’t anticipate that a lot could go wrong.  Being that these reports are now in the hands of the court, the girls’ attorney, my X’s possession and in my possession… it makes them public record.  Because of that, I feel comfortable talking about them in very general terms.

Apparently, I was wrong.  A lot can go wrong in a total of six hours.  It worries me that he didn’t try to put on a show as it makes me question his state of mind.

  • He was 20 minutes early to the first visit which started everything off poorly for the girls and I.  He had strict orders to arrive on time.  He had to be asked twice to leave.
  • According to the report, he ordered his favorite pizza (chicken garlic pizza) without thinking of the girls which means they barely ate anything.  They are like most children– cheese or pepperoni.
  •  He had to be reminded to not use his cell phone.
  • Late to second visit- with no explanation.
  • He sat and drank coffee while socializing with another father for 20 minutes of his two-hour visit.
  • Had to be reminded that there are no cameras when he tried to take a photo.  (This makes me so angry because I know those photos would have promptly been posted on Facebook to keep up his facade).
  • Arrived late to the third visit- with no explanation.
  • On the report, it was noted that, “Dad does not interact much with girls as they play”.
  • He brought a family member to the visit (against the rules) and then denied that they were related when asked three separate times.  This was his sister-in-law (brother A’s wife) and nephew.

Once again, it is a bag of mixed emotions.  If you were to reach in the bag, you would find sadness because my daughters deserve SO much more than this.  You would also find shock.  Even when I don’t think I could possibly be shocked anymore, I am proven wrong.  You would also find confusion.  It’s difficult to understand.  If I hadn’t seen my children for six weeks, you wouldn’t find me drinking Starbucks and socializing with an adult for 20 minutes.  You would have to peel me off of my children.  Inside my bag of emotions is also anger.  Anger because these reports show his true colors.

This isn’t about our daughters…it’s about his need to beat me in court.    It’s also about saving face with his mom who he can’t possibly disappoint.

10 Responses

  1. Inside your bag of emotions there has to be some relief that maybe, just maybe, you can get the girls away from him altogether. They do deserve more, WAY more. The sad fact is that they are never going to get it from him. The emotional damage from having an absent father may be less than the emotional damage from being exposed to a man with this personality disorder. There may be a silver lining even if it seems like a dark gray cloud right now. Sometime I feel selfish for thinking that way in my situation but you know the drill: you can’t change him, you can’t make him be what he is not. You can’t will him into caring more about anyone else but himself. Love and nurture your children, you are who they have. You are their rock. It is a long journey ahead before all the red tape is cut through. In the end, they will know they have you. Thank you for sharing. After an overwhelming week of emotions, today has been rough and I am hoping it is the pinnacle of a bad spell. Knowing I am not alone in this lonely battle makes me want to cry a little less…but only a little. Sometimes it has to come out, right?

  2. Perhaps he will reach the point where the girls will not enhance his image and he’ll leave them alone. He’s doing more damage than good–blood does not make a father…

  3. I totally get your mixed bag of emotions, but from over here, I am relieved that he is not able to keep up the facade for them. I am relieved that they have so many things to say that are pure facts; not an argument about his personality, even. Those will serve you quite well in your fight for justice for your daughters. I get that there’s no real justice in not having a father who devoltes his life to their well-being (believe me, I get that), but at least in the court system.

  4. Yes- you are right. There is relief and validation. Validation that someone else…someone from the court sees through him.

    Yes– it will all come out….you can do this. The truth does prevail eventually. (((HUGS))) Tina

  5. Tina,

    I am so very impressed and inspired by your post, as your life so rivals mine, as our divorces, or situations are so strangely familiar. I wish I had come upon this earlier, wordpress, your post, after starting mine last week, it would have helped me greatly. As I still fear the carcass monster finding out and punishing me further.

    I have many friends, so many who have held my hand and walked with me, and so many others who have waved to me from the sidelines, not wanting to really be involved. Well…one knows who is true at such a time, a time of desperation, a time of complete chaos and despair, and mostly a time of disbelief, as I could not believe the lies, he was able to conjure up just to make sure I would have nothing, as we were in such a bracket, as he would have to pay me a large amount of child support and alimony, and per our MSA/JPA he was ordered tod do so. In some small way, I was validated in many ways, he was found out, he is a liar, and extremely pathological and dangerous, yet, as you know, the court system, at least where I reside does not deem his issues/diagnosis’s dangerous, and I will never understand this.

    I am a crusader too, like you, and could not have sat idly by and watched such sickness, destruction, and malicious behavior. I too have two daughters, two years apart, they are older than yours, I waited as long as I could, as I knew what laid ahead of me would be the fight of my life, and it was, and it still continues, post decree, as we just finalized in August, 2011, and have yet another court date at the end of June as he does feel that “rules are for fools”, me being a fool, a rule follower, me thinking that the MSA/JPA would hold him accountable, and thus, I have found out otherwise, it means nothing to him, very little, and this is the saddest and most troubling part of the process. Where is the “best interest of the children” now?

    My two delicious girls, one whom has special needs, had never been a night without me, or me without them, it was hard for people to understand, as I had no desire to ever be without them, especially since their father was never present, as he pretended to travel even when he was in town, he missed every surgery, every EUA, every teacher conference, every IEP, every ballet recital, every milestone, never met any of their doctors, including their pediatricians, heart specialists, neurologists, etc., as I too am ill, have had numerous surgeries, and this abuse and neglect of his did take a toll on me and my health, as I now must see an autoimmune doctor and an oncologist on a weekly basis.

    After I filed for divorce, he immediately claimed to have been the “primary caretaker” of the children, despite being proven otherwise via subpoenaed documentation and my good note taking, which were validated too late for my liking, as he was proven to have only spent on average two to three nights a month with us at the marital residence, as we were an upper bracket family, we lost hundreds of thousands of dollars putting together an MSA/JPA which is not worth the paper it is written on, as he is yet to follow one rule, as he is a con artist, a successful salesman, sleazy of course, and I cannot combat him as he is a master at this game, and when need be, he can even muster up some tears, as to better seal the deal, as everything is a game to him, a game he must win, at the expense of everyone else. He does this without shame, without remorse, without the guilt of knowing he had been cheating on me and neglecting the girls for so long. He even neglected to phone us, as I took the girls alone to Switzerland in the summer of 2009, where I spent half of my childhood, for three weeks, 6 or so months before I filed for divorce, and as he had no interest in whether or not we had even ever arrived there in one piece, no interest in where we were staying, if we were okay, as he never did call us, not for 3 weeks, not once, my girls little, my health impaired, and this is when I finally woke up, started to document everything, and waited and filed shortly after. Turns out he was in Costa Rica w/his “paramour” of two years (claiming he could not join us for the 3 weeks we were abroad as he was too busy w/work) and since, I have found numerous pictures of him w/prostitutes, or women who appear to be such.

    He continued to lie and to purger himself throughout our proceedings, and at first he seemed very convincing, he is a successful salesman, yet, recently fired, somewhat satisfying, yet we will suffer financially, yet we did indeed come full circle, as he proved himself exactly what I had said in the beginning, yet, I am not unscathed by the process, it has harmed me, it has left him cold, both the girls and I are of no consequence to him, he moves on, he is a predator of sorts, and as always stays unaffected, as he lied, on top of lies, without shame, without mercy, without a care for what he was doing to our innocent girls.

    The truth will always prevail, “you can fool some of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time”, and this is something that a good friend told me along the way, as I was not equipped for his lying, these sorts of deceptions, and the more I cried, the more I carried on about him lying, the less stable I was perceived, as his lying was so sick, pathological and so very compulsive, without sense, without reason, so easily proven to the contrary, as he was without fear of being found out, hence, my fear for filing sooner, as I knew it would so anger the beast, add more insult to his fragile ego, as how could I, how could I leave such a perfect specimen?

    His attorneys filed a petition to withdraw from representing him only 2 or 3 months before the conclusion of our proceedings, which lasted nearly two years, as his lies were becoming obvious, he was unreachable, he was not paying them, he had lost credibility with his own counsel, and with the judge, I prevailed, yet found out about him failing the psychological testing after the fact, after we signed the JPA, and for this I will be forever angry. He failed the “L” scale of the MMPI, and red flagged in the Cluster B Disorders, specifically, NPD, and Histrionic Disorder.

    Since the proceedings took close to two years, he was unable to continue w/his lies and deceptions, he could not keep up with his lies and deceptions, time was my bigest and best friend, had we finished quickly, like he would have liked, he would have put me under with his lies, his victimized behaviors, his good old boy behaviors, him being so successful, could have taken the girls from the only one who had ever cared for or loved them, as they are only deemed as trinkets, trophies, “chick magnets”, to him, and extensions to his fragile ego. Only one of course, as the other is not worthy of anything, as she is not athletic, and he only values his “shrine” and athletics redeemable. My older daughter is not given any attention, any activities, as my other daughter, the unaffected child is involved in at least 4 or 5 activities, as she is quite the athlete. My older daughter like me, is also ADHD, extremely creative, not shy although introverted, and her younger sister, like her father, despite not being a Psychopath, Narcissistic, or Pathological like her father, is more the shy extravert, as she is more reliant on the energy of others, like him, the carcass monster. She, the younger one is kind, both girls are so kind, so innocent, both the spitting image of me, thank the good lord, as they are so very beautiful inside and out and he, being less attractive, gets off on using them as extensions of his fragile ego, his only true use for them.

    I was once a pretty graceful ballerina, or so he deemed me, he has often told this to many, I am still thin, yet a bit decrepit and arthritic, but still have a ballet studio in my home, yet, stress, my biggest enemy leaves me so often unable to move, unable to dance, as the stress attacks me so viciously, and I can never seem to be in remission from these autoimmune complications.

    BTW-He, not very attractive ever, sadly vert short and squat, yet, I did love him as I am not superficial, and like yours, your ex, or soon to be, was so obsessed with weight, as I too was to remain 110 and I am 5’5″ and have had two girls, and am in my mid forties. He was so consumed w/weight issues, i.e. diagnosed Histrionic, kept his own refrigerator in our mudroom as he was afraid that our fat from our foods would jump onto his somehow. His mother has eating disorders, per my observation, amongst many other issues, inclusive of her molesting him as a preteen, yet, I am fully convinced he is completely unaffected by this assault, as for years and years we had discussed it, sought therapy for it, and yet, he is unscathed, has not the emotions to feel it, be harmed by it, as he is unable to feel real human emotions, he is without the ability to feel and love.

    He only mimics human behaviors, as was my first sign that something was missing with him as he had no sense of humor AT ALL, and this is a tell tale sign. He laughed only after the fact, needed to know when to do so, waited to see first when others were laughing, and this always bothered me so, as he found nothing humorous, it was something which really escaped him, and I depend on humor for everything. Humor got me through everything, EVERYTHING, as even at the court house, even after I arrived with both hands in castes as both hands had been operated on three months after I filed for divorce, yet again, the monster carcass was vacationing with his “paramour” and not available to care for the girls during my surgeries, as always, my friends and I would find humour in anything we could, as to keep us from crying.

    *My first indication that I needed to file for divorce and fast, was when I caught him shaving his testicles and wearing my thong underpants, as I never did fancy such undergarments, even though he bought them for me often, as I am a mom dependent on being comfy at all times. Plus, as he accused me of being fat all the time, repulsed if I wanted dessert, insisting that I do crunches immediately after consuming dessert, I lacked the sense of being sexy, gussying up in such attire. As he felt my behind should fit in the space with his thumbs touching, and his pinkies extended, despite having two babies and being quite comfortable with my weight and size, as to be 115 and at the most 120, okay perhaps 125 after the babies which I nursed forever, is perfectly acceptable for a woman in her late thirties, now mid forties, as second to humour is my passion for sweets, and sweets I now eat freely and OFTEN!

    One question Tina…Do you really feel your’s is only a Narcissist, and not a full blown Psychopath/Sociopath whom by nature is Narcissistic? He sounds very much like a psychopath to me, your ex, and it is my belief that mine is too. I have only a master’s in Education, have been a stay at home mom since I had children, two girls and like you I am not a doctor, yet, once one has lived w/such a creature/monster, one knows, one is reminded, that this person is merely a carcass, an empty vessel, and to have my daughters w/him every other weekend and one night a week for dinner is beyond my abilities, as I live in constant fear, I am heartbroken until I see them again Sunday night. Prior to the filing I had never been without them, even for one night, as he had a “paramour” for two years prior to me filing, yet I had not known as he “traveled” for a living, and I was trusting, this proven contrary also, as his work documents suggested that he was not traveling for work as often as he suggested, as he was right here in our state, yet, engaging with another. I knew not of this “paramour” when I filed, only found out 6 or so months later when all the subpoenaed information exposed his lifestyle prior to me filing.

    I was told via my counsel, that he was being sued for hitting and maiming a pedestrian while we were divorcing, as he had done this in 2007, yet never felt it my business to tell me, he did this with his $90,000 car, which he totaled one year after purchasing it as he again hit another, a two seater for a family of four, not very conducive to a family, yet, very conducive to a mid life crisis, or fractured soul. The home equity loan he took out for it was against my will, and yet, I must be the one to pay it back, as I have the girls 80% of the time, I am the residential parent, he is lucky to have them at all after the results of the MMPI, and since I now own the marital home, which I must now sell, as strangely enough he went from making in excess of 1/2 a million dollars a year, to now a quarter of that as to further punish me and the children.

    Thank you Tina, you are fabulous, you are an inspiration to me and to many others, and I continue to read your blog which I only found this week, after starting mine, and am sad it took me so long to do so. Sunnabelle

  6. My boys got treated like “carry-on luggage”–what my housemate and I termed it. And yes, at the same time, X made sure to take pictures of them together and post them on facebook.

    When the boys were old enough to leave him and they struggled painfully with this in terms of “this is my parent / he hurts me / can he or will he change / will he stop lying? / will he stop treating me this way? / this is the only father i have; what am i losing???” For a kid to have to go through that–it should be a criminal offense for an adult to do that.

    When the X struggled initially with, “can I get them back??”, he told all of us how he was going to stop all of his lying (whoa! the one time he fully admitted that he had lied! I wish I had that on tape!).

    Because I had X at a moment of vulnerability, I asked him:
    “have you told others that the kids are with me?”
    [after a few months, when he goes to church EVERY sunday and they were never with him, it had to show]
    He said yes.
    I asked what he tells people about where the boys are. He said, “I tell them that they made a choice to live with their mother.”

    And then…. I asked him (this was a keeper), “How does that make you feel to say that?”

    He actually answered, I think by some sort of accident, full-out gut response without thinking of how it looked: “I feel awkward.”


    If I were in that position of my kids leaving me, I’d feel…. ….well, not awkward!! And, “awkward” is all about how people view him, not about the kids. “Heartbroken” would be about the kids. And he never sounded heartbroken, never acted heartbroken.

    I’m sorry I’m commenting SO much—I just never get to talk about this and everything is so intense where I’ve pushed it inside at this point. If we met in person, I think I’d cry and cry and intersperse it with talking your ears off about what the kids and I have gone through. …I need to find another human near me~