Compulsive Lying and Uncovering the Truth

Compulsive Lying and Uncovering the Truth

Lying.

It’s hard for me to understand.  It infuriates me.  I found an article on Psychology Today titled, Understanding Compulsive Liars because as much as I try to understand it, I can’t.  Ironically, the article mentioned antisocial, borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.  Shocking, right?

Excerpt from the article: Robert Reich, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and expert in psychopathology, says compulsive lying has no official diagnosis. Instead, intentional dissimulation — not the kind associated with dementia or brain injury — is associated with a range of diagnoses, such as antisocial, borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. When it comes to compulsive liars, says Charles Ford, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Alabama Birmingham, “words seem to flow out of their mouths without them thinking about it.” Ford, the author of Lies! Lies!! Lies!!! The Psychology of Deceit, says that pathological liars may slide easily from the notion that something could have happened to the conviction that it did. When pressed, many will admit what they are saying isn’t true. 

Today I discovered that there is another lie on the table.  Now, he is backtracking to get out of his lie to the judge and the court.  He couldn’t get what he wanted from the church receptionist which was for them to say he is a member.  Now, he is twisting his story- he is actually in a Men’s Hiking Group through the church.  Yes, he is really claiming that.

Unfortunately for him, I’ve started the steps to prove this isn’t true.  For starters, the group hikes on Saturday morning at 9am and all hikes take 2-3 hours.  How is this possible if his visitations have begun at 10am for the past six months?  He lives four hours north of the hiking group and has access to some of the most amazing hikes and trails in Northern California.  I find it odd that he is driving four hours south on his off-weekends to hike with a church group.  Anyone else find this amusing?  I would too if it wasn’t my life.  I sent all of the information to the girls’ attorney this morning to prove that it isn’t true.

Yesterday I submitted 55 pages of documents to the court for our April 18th hearing.  In those documents, I provided the dates of his visits over the past six months- since our September 14th court date.  I contacted the church for the dates the girls attended Sunday School (it is all tracked in the computer) and ironically, there are only two dates they attended during his visits.  Those two dates are the days that I took them to church and he merely agreed to pick them up from church after service rather than our meeting place of Starbucks.  In six months of visits, he could of taken them to the 11am service every Sunday yet he never did.  Not once.  I would say he’s buried himself pretty deep so I got out my shovel and went to work.  To dig through the bull and uncover the truth.  That truth is held in 55-pages of court documents which will ensure the judge sees through the lies and the court can rule based on the truth.


10 Responses

  1. Be careful you don’t bog down the judge with too much detail. They only have ability for so much. I’ve heard that charts/graphs are the best way to present detailed information in a summary fashion. Keep up the good fight!

  2. Thanks, Jeff. I know. That is always my fear but there was a lot to present on this round. I feel like it’s my chance to obtain a permanent order and I didn’t want to miss anything.

    I was careful to organize and label for easier reading– a lot of the paperwork was the court transcript from the last go round to show his exact words and then the report from the Supervision company. It all adds up quickly.

    Keepin’ up the good fight. Tina

  3. Tina,

    My attorney gave me the advice Jeff is offering here, and my failure to submit my 400 pages (in two brimming binders) of evidence and records of my ex’s violations of our detailed MSA and parenting plan cost me custody of my daughter, and she is now paying a terrible price as a school dropout and drug abuser. My child support pays the marijuana bill, and the system doesn’t much give a damn.

    Narcissists/sociopaths KNOW that perjury is not punished in Family Court, so they use that weakness in the system to recreate reality to make you out to be the crazy one. Not only could I not provide evidence, my attorney muzzled me in court, lest we “annoy the judge and turn her against us.” That was exactly the opportunity my attorney-ex needed to tell her lies, and the judge even admonished me for begging my attorney for the opportunity to answer. My lawyer said, “the judge will see through all this garbage.” Well, she didn’t. Without data to reference, there is no chance. Pathological liars lie better than we can tell the truth, so judges MUST have every shred of evidence available.

    You’re on the right track. Keep the paper and evidence pouring down on your entire proceeding.

  4. Bill- It’s a fine line, I know. I’ve seen paperwork submitted my attorneys who are representing friends of mine in similar cases and I cringe. I cringe because I know how much evidence is actually available yet they try to scale it down in an effort to “not overwhelm” the judge.

    I am careful not to use “fluff” but I can’t bring myself to leave relevant items out. I think that every ounce of proof that he is a liar (and is dangerous) is important in my case. I am very careful to organize it so it is easy to read.

  5. Ah, you bring it all back… I had my binders tabbed by date and color-coded by MSA section. I think it’s useful to demonstate the sheer volume of it, else how else can they know? They can’t read it all, but when the words “Give me just ONE example of when I did that!” come out of their mouths, it’s useful to have 30 examples at your fingertips when it’s difficult for fatigued memory to recall just one.

  6. Dear Tina,
    I have been absorbing all of your wonderful articles, the comments, links, resources, etc. for the last three days. I feel so blessed and grateful to know that there are people out there who have found joy despite the daily oppression and devastation created by their ex-spouses lying, narcissism, threats, manipulation and abuse.

    Bill, thank you for your comments about lying. My ex-husband is the most famous Chiropractor in the world, he is an expert witness for many malpractice and automobile accident cases – yet for seven years he lied to me (of course) and his children about income the court required him to report when he received it. Once I suspected he received it (7 years later), he lied to four of his attorneys, the court, committed perjury, was sanctioned $50,000 and continues to hide assets and commit tax fraud.

    He didn’t show up for depositions, never complied with discovery and insisted our oldest daughter stand in front of the copier for nine hours copying documents that he decided didn’t reveal too much about his financial situation. And the court didn’t seem to care.

    I know monetary issues are not as important as custody issues and he threatened to fight for more custody, “so I don’t have to pay you so much.” For seven years, the 85% / 15% split was fine but once the money was discovered – he suddenly wanted more custody so he wouldn’t have to pay more child support.

    He is “engaged” to a woman he our daughters and me he will never marry but says he needs to keep her around because she makes him so much money. How would he feel if his daughters were engaged to a man who lied to them like that?

    I get so depressed knowing how negatively his behavior, actions and character has affected our daughters and all the mental, emotional and financial stress he has placed us under – needlessly. He has purchased four more houses, travels around the world, he has purchased over $600,000 of acreage yet refused to pay for our daughter’s college education. When I discovered an account with $25,000 in her name – he told us, “If she touches that money, she will be cut off from all events, vacations, she will need to take all of her stuff out of the Auburn house (this was our family home) and she won’t ever get another dime from me.”

    And Bill, we must have had the same attorney. Going Pro se – I think that’s a better way!

    Tina, I have so much admiration and respect for your courage and dedication and although I wish I had had the inner strength and fortitude to represent myself, even with at attorney, I caved into his demands when he continued to threaten our daughters.

    Thank you for sharing your life with us. .. . . .you have been such a positive source of inspiration.

  7. Listen, it’s a good chance the judge is a narcissist also, and that he/she will relate to your EX, and deja vu you into their worst nightmare, their EX. Remember, people are really just people, not some exhaulted voice of reason. I’ve had 2 court experiences that were so amateurish on the judge’s part. It was not related to divorce/custody however. Best of Luck!

  8. This blog is helping me _so_ much.

    Tina, I feel like I want to meet you in person, to know you are *real*. [my brain: “This person would believe you”]

    My x was a “parachurch minister”, or in the church’s other terms, a missionary, and by church standards, missionaries are better people than the rest of us. Oh how he loved that—still does. He’s not ordained; pretended to others he was / is, and took all accolades as if he was / is. And then he would preach (love your wife) and (…hate his wife…), and no one knew anything differently until I fled, except for 3 friends who saw him up close.

    Those 3 friends wrote pages and pages and PAGES of lies he told; abuses his committed; fraud; …the list goes on… and took it to the church elders.

    Short story: he controlled the friends we had (all church-related, and all across the country, not just where we lived). He was …calm… He was well-spoken (it’s not that I’m not or that I wasn’t though; he had the ‘mantle’). *I* got shunned out of the church, asked to leave — even though the original ‘goal’ of the elders was to ask the x to leave. I got shunned in the community as a whole. …and I became terrified of people.

    It’s been the people who *follow* and believe the abusers that I don’t understand….and at this point, the crazy-making that I can’t get up from. I get it now that HE’S crazy. I don’t understand “normal” educated adults following ….[sigh]….