A Twisted Mind

A Twisted Mind

His mind is as twisted as a tornado.

Monday night, the X called to talk to the girls.  Immediately he dove into his strange manipulations.  My youngest daughter got on the phone and this is exactly what he said, “Hi _____, remember when we were at the children’s museum together yesterday?

“Yeeesss”, she answers.

“Do you remember when you wouldn’t let daddy go and you were holding onto me?”, he asks.

“Yes”, she answers.

“Daddy had to drive all the way back to San Francisco.  I’m far away now….”.  and on and on.  The conversation was so bizarre that as I listened to him talk, I wondered two things: who was sitting next to him that he was trying to impress?  The second option,  was he was recording the conversation?  The entire conversation was manipulative and bizarre.  It was hard to listen to and uncomfortable to watch my daughters obvious discomfort.

Tonight, he calls back.  My youngest daughter has been running a fever for the past 24-hours and doesn’t feel well.  She answers the phone and he starts off by saying, “Hi _____.  I miss you.”

Silence from her.  She just stares at the phone.

“Do you miss Daddy?”

“Yes”, she answers uncomfortably.

“No you remember when you didn’t want daddy to leave and drive back to San Francisco?”, he asks.

She stares at the phone without answering.

At that point, I picked up the phone and walking into the garage.  I explained that there are boundaries and that he can’t continue with these questions that make the girls so uncomfortable.  I came back into the house and explained that daddy could call back in a little while.  At that point, I sent him the following message:

Me: X- you are absolutely welcome to call the girls.  I have never prevented that.  There are boundaries and I will not allow you to emotionally manipulate the girls.  You are welcome to call back if you can refrain from that type of behavior. 

X: I’ll be reporting your interruption.  In every phone call precisely Tina. You lied in court about what happened at church. I never uttered Parental Alienation Syndrome. I said ‘ PAS’. This is my church too. I took the girls there every weekend you were out partying. I never sped away.  You have endlessly lied in court. I am going to prove you have Lupus not MS. You lie about your income. You lied about your rent.

Me: They will be awake until 8pm. You are welcome to call back however, you are not allowed to put them on the spot and continue with the bizarre questions that you were asking (her). She was visibly uncomfortable.

X: You should not be listening in to every phone call. She (Daughter) was hugging me and she said ”i won’t let you go. I am going to steal you from San Francisco.   The supervisor had to tell her to let go. You don’t have any clue what your selfish, money hungry behavior is doing to OUR daughters not YOUR daughter.

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Unless you’ve actually experienced a Narcissist in your life, you may be scratching your head right now.  The entire experience makes you question yourself and your sanity.  If you have experienced one then these text messages or emails from a Narcissist then you understand every line of it.  Prior to understanding this disorder, I felt the need to respond and defend myself against everything that he said.

My instincts would be to remind him that he did speed out of the parking lot with the girls in the car.  I would want to tell him that I’ve never lied in court.  I’m not money hungry- I’ve supported my daughters without regular help from him since last June.  I would normally rush to contact my doctor for a form that says I do have Multiple Sclerosis and not Lupus….and on and on.  Now that I am not his victim, I don’t feel the need to do that.  To me, his messages show a very disturbed person with a distorted version of reality that he actually may believe.  The phone call to my daughters and the text messages show nothing but a twisted mind.

He can continue in his ramblings and bizarre behavior and he will be met with the boundaries that I will continue to place in his path.

I will not be his victim nor will I let him victimize or manipulate the girls.

 

12 Responses

  1. After a time or two of such non sense narcissist or no I would not argue with crazy. So sorry you and the girls are going through this. The scary sad thing is that being delusional is not a crime. This could just go on and on. Hope something will prevent that for you.

  2. You are much farther along in your coping skills (or healing, whatever the best way to describe it) than I am. I wanted to scream out and defend you. All the ugly uncomfortable feelings I get when being accused of the ridiculous welled up inside me. Thanks for the reminder…don’t defend, stay on topic. Give them enough rope and they certainly hang themselves. I really feel for your girls right now. They are very lucky to have a Mom that is so strong, fighting the fight for them.

  3. Been there. something to think about: now that he has to be on his “best” behavior during physical access visits, he will likely escalate his manipulative tactics during phone access, esp. since he knows that you are supervising that access. you may want to consider the following depending on what your court orders stipulates: offer to facilitate fixed schedule phone access with his supervisor present. you don’t say you are denying him phone access, rather you want to set up appropriate supervision. Your ex is harassing you with those emails. Consider only communicating via USmail or consider a friend to communicate via email on your behalf. He is using the girls to get at you. You have to minimize his ability to harass you (and his access to you without limiting his legal access to the girls) at least until a counsellor can tell you that his emotional issues have been addressed. Email is great cause it provides a record, however it opens the door for harassment and intimidation that is so unnecessary.

  4. The narcissist from my recent past would look at my son and say, “You like me, don’t you? You love me, don’t you?” My son would answer him honestly and say, “No, Ruben, you are not nice. I don’t like people who are not nice.” He would get angry at my son and then blame me or my son’s father for putting words into his mouth. He never quite understood that even a 5 year old (especially a 5 year old) is intuitive and can think for himself. I told him not to ask those questions if he wasn’t prepared for the truth. That would always lead to an argument about how much I undermined his efforts and that I was a liar and a whore and yada, yada, yada. It was insanity! Your ex is clearly dillusional and unable to comprehend TRUTH, a collective truth. Your daughters do not deserve to be put in the middle of his sickness. Thinking of you always.

  5. Thank you for your blog. Reading it makes me feel a lot less lonely in my protracted and pointless battle with a narcissistic ex over our 15 month old.

  6. I LOVE how you kept the conversation on point. He went on and on describing all the ways you “lie” and you just kept it about the girls talking to him on the phone. I have an attorney that would be singing your praises right now! Amazing, wonderful, good job!!

  7. Wow.. that sounds so familiar. I admire how you handled it, and more so how you don’t allow him to get to you anymore. I handle these types of text messages with my X the same and keep it to the point and only about my daughter, but I’m still allowing him to get to me. I feel like this blog, YOU, may be what is finally going to help me let it go. Thank you for sharing!

  8. Stacey– I have turned his ability to “get to me” into pity. I get the crazy emails or texts and I shake my head and pity the miserable person that he is. I also expect the attacks so they don’t catch me off guard. That helps tremendously.

  9. Tina, this has happened to me too and the same “interruption accusations. He would have a one sided” call with the girls they answering hi, him saying OH PLEASE DON”T CRY GIRLS I KNOW YOU MISS ME< NO NO PLEASE STOP I LOVE YOU etc all for whomever was listening… the girls would look completely bewlidered and I would hang up and then be accused in court of interrupting the call… now I am alos accused of parent alienation and the same judge (connected with his wealthy family is trying to remove the children from me and give him custody after 16 other judges giving supervised access and finally removing it altogether and convicting him of double assault of me infront of the kids AND ignoring the fact he is a bigamist. How can we keep sane when they are trying to push us over the edge purely to prove their own insanity and my god he has the money to pay horrible laywers to accomplice. I am worried that if I am found to be even writing these comments then I will be held in contempt of the incamera rule and imprisoned…. if that happens at least you will know some of this. But you are all so far away and no one here in this situation can talk about this. Have you tried recording those telephone calls?

  10. Oh. My. God. I could send you an interchange between myself and my X and it could look
    JUST.
    LIKE.
    THIS.
    It’s crazy! It’s such a breather to find that *I’m* not crazy; that _this_ is, and that there are other people who (you) have learned how to “manage” him / the ex.

    It’s so relieving to see this exchange (wow). I have begun to learn to go back to original topic (like you did here) and not try to defend myself—I was big on defending myself early on and even for a long time. Wow I wish I found you when you first started blogging….

  11. I get confused when he acts …like a ‘normal’ human should. I don’t have a template for that anymore, though he did that and above during our engagement.

    And yes, I’ve begun (a little) to notice myself pitying him (and his current wife) instead of feeling anger—not all of the time, but it’s been starting.