When Rules Don’t Seem to Apply

When Rules Don’t Seem to Apply

At the young age of one, my daughters had rules to follow.  They were simple things like not throwing the plate on the floor or not sticking my car keys into an electrical outlet.  Regardless of how simple they were, they were rules.  More rules fell into place as they progressed in age and now, at the ages of 5 (almost) and 7 (almost), they know what is allowed and they follow instructions.

I find it hard to understand how small children can follow rules with ease (generally) yet a 38-year old man can’t.  I have to remind myself that he makes his own rules and is above other people’s rules.  Even though I have lived this for years and understand that he marches to the beat of his own drum, I still find myself dumbfounded when dealing with him.  This is a man who has a degree in physiology/cell biology and claims to have a genius IQ yet he never ceases to amaze me with the choices he makes.

Today was our first day of supervised visits and it went bad before it even began.  Prior to the visitation, we each met with the Director of the program individually and she established the rules and boundaries that are in place.  She notified us of the times for drop off, pick up, transitions, etc.  These rules are in place to keep the girls from being traumatized or upset by me coming/going.

We were both firmly told of the rules in person and by email:

  • 12:40pm: The girls and I were to arrive at the pizza place to allow them 15-20 minutes to become acquainted with the Director.
  • 1:00pm: I was to leave the restaurant.
  • 1:05pm: He was to arrive at the restaurant.
  • 3:00pm: His visitation ends/he departs the restaurant.
  • 3:05pm: I arrive to pick up the girls.

Pretty simple, right?

The girls and I arrived promptly at 12:40pm and as we walked into the restaurant, we saw him inside.  The Director wasn’t there yet.  I opened the door, poked my head in and said, “You aren’t supposed to be here yet”.  His response was something along the lines, ( with scowl on face), “It’s a public place” as he threw his hand up in the air to show that I was ridiculous.

The entrance to the restaurant had two doorways that you had to enter before going into the restaurant so the girls and I waited in the middle of the doorways until the Director arrived.  She politely asked the girls and I to head to the restroom and went back out to tell him to leave the premises and return at the proper time.

The worst part was seeing the girls so confused.  They saw their dad but were forced into a bathroom.  It was a bad situation that was so avoidable if only he could follow the very simple rules.  The rules are in place to prevent situations like today.  He is above rules and doesn’t care at all how he affected the girls today or any day for that matter.

He is that Narcissistic.


14 Responses

  1. Wow Tina – what a piece of work he is. I hope it goes 100% better tomorrow. Good luck!

  2. On a positive note… The director has now witnessed his bad behavior and this first impression will most likely stick and only help you and your girls stay protected in the future.

  3. try to look at the positive. the role of the supervisor is to document how the exchange went. the rules are there for a reason. if he keeps this up, the supervisor will report to the court and they will see that your ex doesn’t do what is in the kid’s best interest. he doesn’t think he needs supervision so he is going to cause problems. having a neutral third party witness this stuff is great, IMO. good unbiased evidence for a full psych evaluation.

  4. That is funny ,’X’ Acts like a spoiled child . He is so Weak …Grow up ‘ X ‘

  5. My son is almost 7. He knows when stuff seems strange and senses tension easily. This man has zero respect for his own children! It’s one thing to disrespect you; you understand he is simply not capable of caring. But to disrespect a child (whose understanding of trust and love is still being formulated) is evil and cruel. I am so glad the director witnessed his behavior. 🙁

  6. Hang in there. He is just hurting himself in the long-run. Despite the extra confusion and stress this causes your girls, they will grow up knowing that their Mom is always on their side, always has their backs, and they will understand that their father is a sick man with an illness that means he *cannot* prioritize other people’s needs.

    Eventually, the courts will have too much evidence to continue ignoring this.

    Your girls are going to be just fine–because of *you*. In some ways they will have an advantage over other people their age, because they have discovered early in life that some people are simply a$$h—-s. Not that we want our children to have this advantage, or for that matter to learn this language, but they will be better able to shrug off the emotional idiots they encounter in life.

    One thing I can say from exprerience, as they get older you will need to help them understand and recognize what constitues a healthy relationship, and what character traits to look for in a mate. As someone who was raised by a narcissist, I can honestly say my personal attraction meter went hunting for the first narcissist to show an interest in me.

    Hopefully you can help your daughters to look for mates who are not just like their father.

  7. I am glad you now have support to help you confront these issues. Sad that a father is so out of control he can’t act grown up.

    Does he think the system is just out to get him or that you tricked them into being “mean” to him?

    It would be laughable except young lives are being affected. Hopefully he gets with the program quickly!

  8. Oh, why am I not surprised. It is such a difficult position to be in. Kids need both parents, but they really need 2 emotionally and mentally healthy parents. If your relationship with Glenn is healthy, you are making up for some of X’s behavior in the way that shows the girls what a happy healthy relationship is. I find myself missing my husband, but then I stop and reread the emails and the text messages and the journals that chronicle how he treated me and my daughter from a previous marriage. I remember why I left. Not because I don’t love him (why do I still? An issue for me to continue exploring with my counselor) but because it is an unhealthy relationship for my children to witness. If this is their “normal” then they will think that is what love is all about…the cycle will continue. My son will be abusive and my daughter will be abused since these are the way they see the roles being played. Stay strong, you are doing all the right things.

  9. Everyone’s already said what I wanted to say except this, he’s a prick. Narcissist or not, he’s a prick.

  10. What I meant to say was, it doesn’t matter that he’s a narcissist. I didn’t mean to imply there was any doubt about that! I just meant, that’s no excuse for him being a prick.

  11. I contemplated all of it for a very long time. If I stayed, I could protect my daughters. On the same note, if I stayed then they would find the same type of man. They would grow up thinking that this is what marriage is about.

    My current relationship is incredibly healthy– based on a strong foundation of love, mutual respect and communication. I am blessed to have found a man that has restored my faith in love (and men). <3

  12. I am so happy for you. I think about finding a person better than me to be my mate, but I don’t trust my instincts anymore. I know all about “staying to protect and shield” but kids are smart. I hope to find myself in your position one day but I am just beginning this journey. I filed for divorce Oct 2011, two years he promises to hold it up, the limit in PA. I am sure with a much longer custody battle. My son is only 2.5 yrs old…a long time away from independence, a long time for me to fight the good fight. I know I can do it, I just wish I didn’t have to. My only hope is that as an adult my son knows I have always been in his corner. Thank you for making your private life more public. It feels very lonely out here some days, people really don’t understand. I can tell some people are tired of hearing even his name mentioned, I see the eye roll being held back. I make a mental note: they don’t believe me, they don’t understand. It is great to have a community of people who I can read about and know they get it, they would believe me, I am not alone and I am not crazy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  13. I know what you mean. In the first year and a half, I didn’t know anything about narcissism. I shared some things with people but much of it sounded so crazy that I hated even verbalizing it. My family was brought into it heavily and that was difficult. In the beginning, he would email them long winded emails that were just insane.

    I am cheering you on!!! You can do it!