Long Term Damage

Long Term Damage

I was over at the “Divorce” section of the Huffington Post and came across an article by Melani Robinson titled, “Why I could still kill him“.

Our stories are similar — a horrible divorce with a selfish, twisted ex-husband and a court system that finally saw through him.  Her story gave me hope and also made me sad.

It gave me hope that my own “monster” would finally fade off into the distance and stop harming my daughters.  I am coming to terms that “he is who he is”.  This isn’t just divorce craziness.  This is his craziness.  This is a man who is so miserable and selfish on the inside that he can never and will never put his daughters first.  That is our reality- mine and the girls’.

It made me sad because the author is still dealing with the ramifications of her monster years later.  Her daughters are in their 20’s and are still affected by this selfish man and his actions.  He didn’t change.  He found a new family and a new life where he could carry on the facade that he is a good person.  They see through him yet there is still pain.

I want to believe that I can enrich my daughters’ lives so much that they don’t feel this pain as adults.  That is a big weight to carry.

I am still searching for that bubble to place them in for protection.

6 Responses

  1. I hear and feel that. My husband has just (finally) acknowledge he introduced our 5 year old daughter to his girlfriend waaay too early in the relationship. And yes, the fact that I can legally still call him my husband and he has a girlfriend does not even register as being somthing to question on his radar.

    I also saw the article you refer to from Huff Post Divorce–(one of my daily sites to check).

    It scares me to death that one day my daughter will be a young girl on the cusp of becoming a young lady, and eventually she will have a different opinion from her father on something that can’t be ignored or pushed aside. Will he be a mature and rational adult and allow her to make choices he does not agree with (like where to attend college, or even attending college at all–since in his mind college is a bad thing)? Or will he pull the same bull on her that he pulled on me and run down her confidence and self-reliance at every opportunity for years?

    I’m not even afraid of something out of a hate-men movie. I’m concerned about patterns of behavior that were ingrained before I even met him.

    There comes a time when I wonder if something like Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be diagnosed, why can’t access to these sweet innocent helpless children be limited from people who don’t even see them as people?

    I’m right there with you. I don’t have any answers–wish I did. But I can say you are not alone.

  2. There is no bubble, but I have learned to appreciate the beauty in the girls’ ability to see people for who they really are. The pain will never be gone completely, and I’m sure there are more tears in their future, but believe it or not, I’m grateful that they’ve lost hope that X will ever change.

  3. Thanks for sharing your story. I am a 22 year old girl that got out of a relationship with an N recently. Some days are really hard, but reading stories of people that were much more involved and further into their lives with children makes me realise just how lucky I am that this happened when I am young and not forever attached to him. Your poor daugthers in all this. Good Luck to you, it must be a difficult journey.

  4. Oh Tina, do I feel your pain. I too was married to a narcisisst for 12 years. He got us into perpetual debt by starting a wine company, medical implant device business, non profit organization for young professionals, design firm, messenger bag manufacturing business, adironondack chair business, magazine, wrote scree plays, wrote a book on negotiation, airplane pillow business, and now a bed and breakfast. You really woukd just have to see the evidence to believe it. We did not have the money for any of these things and his shoddy half assed attempts were pitiful as he possessed NONE of the skills or education to pull it off. He basically set up a bunch of websites and then abandoned them halfway complete to move on to the next delusion. He always criticisized my clothing, eyebrows, toenails, and hair and had the audacity to tell me he needed a “Queen” because someday he would be a tycoon. He got us into tremendous debt, lost our house money after it was sold, leased cars out of his means, and took us on family trips to Europe with a nanny for a month. He constantly was travelling for business even though he did not really need to and wasted thousands. He was a liar, blamer, emotionally abusive, financially stupid and reckless, and aLWAYS concerned about putting on a big flashy image of being a badass entrepreneur. He also was a crazy maker during arguments twisting my words, lying, and trying to get me upset. He basically was trying to dispose of me after I had the two kids to trade me in for a much younger woman. He despised normal suburban family life and constantly made fun of regular moms and dads leading normal family oriented lives. He ended up dating a fellow SHALLOW narcissist obsessed with her looks 12 years younger to whom he could deceive and manipulate into thinking he had waaaaayyy more money than he had. This girl is obsessed with those Housewives shows because she wants to be just like them…blah! Today, I am happily remarried and he is penniless, in debt, 40, way behind on child support, living in a rental DUMP, and facing the grandiosity gap of his years of delusions of his ventures and actual ability. I could go on and on about what a number he did on my head but you know yourself. It took me a few years to regain a sense of someone loving me for me and not some loving me conditionally. He was so obsessed with creating the perfect cool entrepreneur wealthy image of himself, and he often reminded me that I did not measure up. Please! He just had a crappy degree in Spanish from a crappy college. I now am married to my second hubby who loves me for who I am and could care less about us projecting some cool ideal perfect image to the world. But my narcissist did a number on my head until a few years after being awaynfrom him and slowly I was able to see his disorded personality. I hope things continue to look up for you and you heal completely from the damage of your toxic ex.

  5. It is hard to feel sane when one is trapped in the Alice in Wonderland world created by another. It is so important that we step back so that we can see the distortions, rather than believing they are reality. It sounds as though you are helping your daughters understand the difference between illusion and truth.