I sit here watching my little “Peach” while she plays at the park. I am working on my laptop and she is pushing the merry-go-round. She yelled over her shoulder, “Love you, Mom” and my heart melted. Tears filled my eyes which seems to be a reoccurring issue this morning.
I have so many mixed emotions right now. I feel like tomorrow could be the day that I get what I’ve been asking for: supervised visitation.
I picked up a statement this morning from my daughter’s therapist and was overwhelmed with emotions. I knew the basis of what she was going to say but to actually read it in writing…well…it hurt. Badly.
I felt physically ill when I read it. She spoke of the confusion and anxiety that my daughter expressed while talking about her father hitting her and the photo of me that is covered in blue taped at his home. She addressed the issue of her father berating me in her presence and the effect it is having on her.
She is a six-year old little girl who should be consumed with how fast she can push the merry-go-round yet she is carrying burdens that only an adult is equipped to deal with.
Why do I have mixed emotions? In my naive heart of hearts, I have always held out hope that he would pull himself together. That he would hit rock bottom and realize what he has done. That he would see the two amazing little girls in front of him and choose to do the right thing. I hoped that he would stop seeing them as possessions.
I hoped that he would be their dad.
I’ve lost that hope. I don’t think that he is healthy enough to be a dad and I don’t hold out the hope that he can in the future. I have to let all of that go. Some parts of the anger and hatred is slowly turning to pity for him– that he is too mentally damaged to see what he is doing and what he has done in the past few years.
I received a card from my church this morning. I had asked them to pray for me after last week’s service on forgiveness. The card said, “May you always have the courage to set boundaries and do whatever it takes to protect your daughters. God will give you great strength and boldness.” I needed to hear that message today above all others. Fighting to protect my daughters is what I am supposed to do–it’s my job is as their mother.
Last night I stayed up late completing my court declaration and I filed all of the paperwork this morning. In that paperwork, I have spoken from my heart– not out of anger or hatred but as a mother who is doing what she is supposed to do.
Now, it is in the hands of the court and God.
Please say a prayer…send good thoughts…sprinkle pixie dust or whatever you feel comfortable with.
We could use it right now.