A bit of honesty here: Anyone who knows me at the surface level probably thinks that I am the Queen of Positivity. If you are a Facebook friend then you are probably aware of the fact that I bombard the cyber-world with “feel good” quotes, sayings and basically…happiness.
Anyone in my “inner circle” can probably verify– I’m not always the Queen of Positivity. Sometimes I barely qualify to be the Princess of Positivity– sometimes I am not even in the Royal Circle. I’m trying to be that person but it takes work– day in and day out. I work at it all day– by finding positive quotes to focus on or reminding myself of my favorite movie (The Secret) and it’s teachings.
When I am able to take a moment and reflect on things– I am really good at finding the positive. Sometimes I think that I am too hard on myself– I want it to come naturally. I want to jump out of bed in the morning, hug the world and start whistling a happy tune. The truth is– I need coffee first and then the hustle and bustle of the day takes its toll on me. Sometimes it is difficult to be the person that I want to be.
Yesterday was a good example: I had my monthly IVig treatment for Multiple Sclerosis.
I woke up dreading it– it’s a huge inconvenience. I have to depend on my best friend to take my little girl to school so I can start treatment early– I hate asking people for help. I am needle phobic and each month I have an IV inserted into my arm. I have a pity party with my veins as they normally hide from the nurse which means it usually takes 2 or 3 tries to get it right. Then, I am stuck in a room for 5 hours with 2-3 other people who are there for the same treatment. It reminds me that there is something wrong with me. It forces me to stop being invincible and to be human for a while. Then I go home and I am sick– sometimes it isn’t bad at all and sometimes I feel horrible for a day or two.
Here is the reality: I should be thanking my lucky stars that there is a treatment that works wonders. It is miraculous. I am able to function at 110% day in and day out. For 29 days of the month, I forget that I have Multiple Sclerosis. For 29 days a month, I am able to work, live, be a mother and enjoy life. My treatment allowed me to be strong enough to fight for my daughters and succeed. The treatment is an infusion of blood plasma and it takes 10,000 donors to give me ONE DAY of treatment. I should be writing 10,000 thank you cards to the people who take time from their day to donate plasma. These people allow me to live my life. As much as I dislike insurance, I am lucky to have it. My monthly hospital bills have been as high as $250,000 (yes, a quarter of a million dollars)…for ONE DAY of treatment.
Here is another reality– my health insurance and my monthly treatment was held over my head for so long by my ex-husband. “If you drop the next court date then I will keep you on my insurance” or “if you agree to this, that and the other…I will provide insurance”. I was in constant fear of loosing my coverage. Then reality hit– he was fired from his job in June of 2010. Guess what? My worst nightmare came true and I survived. I stood on my own two feet and I secured my own insurance– my dad helped for a while but I am now on my own two feet. He lost the ability to hold that over my head and taunt me with it.
I work to be positive and it is work. Yesterday was a good reminder for me. I was feeling down all day– life challenges and stress…a treatment that made me feel really yucky.
My work today: to be thankful for what I have, where I am in life and to cut myself a little slack for not always being the Queen of Positivity.
I am working at it and that’s what matters.