T-Rex Strikes Again

T-Rex Strikes Again

I am woman (and mother); hear me Roar. 

My daughters had their visitation with their dad again yesterday– 10am to 4pm.  Such a brief window of time yet damage can be done in that small amount of time.  We met at the normal coffee shop for the exchange at 4pm.  As they got back into the car and said, “Mom, dad was calling you ‘T-Rex’ to Poppi (his father) again yesterday and they were laughing and saying mean things“.

I have many feelings on this subject.

1. My daughter’s should not be in this situation.  They are so young and this is extremely detrimental to them.  I don’t know what the right response is when they do “report back”.  I don’t want them to feel like they need to tell me these things but more importantly, they shouldn’t be hearing these things.  At all.

2. I pulled out my calculator.  There are approximately 720 hours in one month (30 days).  He sees his daughters for a total of 24 hours per month– 10am to 4pm, every other weekend.  Such short windows of time.  Mathematically speaking, he is free to speak about me however he chooses for 696 hours per month: 720-24= 696.  That’s a lot of time for bashing, ‘woe is me’ and negative energy.   I do not understand the urge to waste a single moment of his limited father-daughter time on openly bashing me to two innocent little girls.

So– they got in the car and told me that he spoke poorly of me.  I chose to not turn it into a huge ordeal.  I quietly said, “That is Dad’s choice to do that however, I don’t think it is nice nor should he be saying those things in front of you.  I also don’t want you to feel like you have to tell me these things.  If you want to talk about it then I am happy to do that however, it isn’t your job to worry about this.  Your job is to have fun and be a kid- not to worry about adult things“.

I struggle with a response to these things and others.  I don’t want them to feel like they are messengers but I also don’t want them to hold things inside and not talk about them.

 

4 Responses

  1. Tina, I ran across your blog today, while researching ways to deal with post-divorce co-parenting with a narcissist. I laughed and cried while reading about your journey. My experience is so similiar to yours, I felt I could have written this blog myself. I have considered doing a blog, but I am afraid my soon to be x will have me back in court (for the gazillionth time) for daring to say a word about the truth of our lives. I think a blog is so healthy, you are a strong amazing woman and mother, please keep on writing and keep up the nearly impossible job of holding it all together for your daughters. I too struggle with a response when my kids “report” events from their dad’s place. We lived such a fake, pretend, rich life and it felt so good to get away from that toxic dysfuntion, but when I have to fake and pretend to my children about my x and what he says and does, because I fear I will again be accused in court of alienating my kids against him/PAS. It feels like I will never escape the duty of putting on a false front. There is a difference between badmouthing and truth, but so often the courts don’t understand or don’t care. Lying to children about an abusive parent does them no good because they will think that behavior is normal. I believe the truth is the best way to a healthy future. Lying, denying and/or surgar coating is not helpful to kids. Our stories are so similar Tina, it’s scary. You have inspired me beyond words. Thank you for sharing your life.

  2. Hope- Your post made ME cry as I sit here in my favorite local coffee shop. Your post is the reason that I am doing what I am doing– because I remember feeling so alone and I would have loved to hear from one other person in the same boat.

    Cheers to you, Warrior Mommy and huge, huge hugs! Thank you for your message 🙂 -Tina