Contrary to what I tell those around me, I am 38 and not 29 years old. I am currently trying to find the “pause” button.

I often wonder what type of advice I will give to my daughters when they are young adults. If I could rewind 20 years, what would I say to the “18-year old Tina”?

Dear Tina,

The most important piece of advice that I have is to love yourself before you try to gain the love of others. The feelings that come with being in love are addicting. The highs of being in love (or thinking that you are in love!) allow you to forget the day-to-day feelings of insecurity, angst and self-doubt that many young women struggle with. I encourage you to feel those feelings instead of pushing them deep down inside because eventually, and when you least expect it, they will rise to the surface once again.

Once you’ve felt the feelings and have acknowledged them, I encourage you to work on them. A garden doesn’t grow without nourishment and you can’t grow as a person without nurturing and caring for yourself. Dig deep to understand your feelings and work through them with tender loving care. Emotional wounds are wounds even though you cannot see them. Find ways to work on these emotions whether it is through journaling, therapy or long walks on the beach.

If you discover something that you don’t like about yourself then by all means, fix it!  You can fix yourself but you can’t fix anyone else.  Forget the craft store, become your own do-it-yourself project! Hold yourself accountable with goals and rewards. Be easy on yourself: change doesn’t happen overnight!

Take yourself on a whirlwind courtship and discover who you are!  Go to the movies and buy yourself a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Go to dinner in a fancy restaurant overlooking the ocean and then take a long bike ride on a beach cruiser with a cute little basket on the front. Learn that silence is truly golden and embrace the quiet times to soul search.  Ask yourself all of the questions that you would ask someone on a first date.  Learn to fall in love with who you are!

Listen to your gut feelings and pay attention to every red flag. If something does not feel right to you, explore that feeling. Go to your quiet place and ask yourself what advice you would give to your sister or best friend.  Many times, we hold others in a higher regard than we do ourselves. Pay attention to what your inner voice is telling you.

Love shouldn’t hurt. It sounds like common sense and even a bit cliché however; I encourage you to let the simplicity of that statement resonate in your mind. There will be ups and downs, anger and moments of frustration but real love does not hurt. Use borrowed judgment when in doubt by talking to trusted friends or family members. Heed the advice of those that you admire when in doubt.

Say, “I love you” daily until you actually mean it.  You can’t have a healthy relationship with others until you learn to have one with yourself first.

Love, Me

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Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

My Mom and I – 1975

This particular week has always been a difficult week for me. This week is Mother’s Day and it’s the week of my mother’s birthday. As a child, Mother’s Day was a reminder that my mom wasn’t mentally healthy enough to be my mom.  Each year, I hoped that things would change and that she would be a part of my life.  Each year that passed, I lost more and more hope. My mom never became a part of my life and she died twelve years ago.

Last month I went to a hypnotist to deal with my fear of public speaking. I have to admit that while I have a pretty open mind, I was a bit skeptical about the thought of being hypnotized. The gentleman that I went to (Harvey) has been teaching and practicing hypnosis for 55 years. Harvey explained that he would be tapping into my subconscious to free any areas of negative self talk or childhood issues that would cause self doubt.

One of the topics that Harvey addressed had to do with my mother. While under hypnosis, I was completely relaxed but aware of everything that was happening. I was remembering things that I had completely forgotten about such as my favorite toy at the age of three!  During the session, I expressed sorrow that I never got to say goodbye to my mom.  Harvey explained that now was the time to tell my mother anything that I needed to say.  With tears streaming down my face, I said, “I love you and I forgive you, mom.”  Harvey then told me to say good-bye to my mom and as I choked back tears, I said good-bye.  Prior to my hypnosis session, I thought that I had made peace with my mom however, the peace that I experienced during and after that session is difficult to put into words.

Now that I am a mother, Mother’s Day has a new meaning for me. The sorrow that I once had is replaced by joy.  With that said, I do not take this day for granted as I did for the first few years of my daughters’ lives. Each week I hear horrific stories about mother’s loosing their children- some have lost custody due to failure in the Family Court System and others have children who are donning angel wings up above. My heart breaks with each story that I hear.

I wanted to stop and send (((hugs))) to all of the mothers who are without their little ones this Mother’s Day. Please know that you all hold a special place in my heart and I will be thinking of you this week.

Love, Tina

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Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

I hated having my hair brushed as a little girl. I remember hiding under the bed as a small child whenever my stepmother wanted to brush my hair.  I knew that if I went far enough into the back corner, she couldn’t get to me.

For as long as I can remember, Seth controlled my financial world.  During our marriage, we never merged finances and I always maintained my own checking account although it was never really mine.  It had my name printed on the checks but in order for those checks to work, I had to ask him for money.  It wasn’t that I didn’t work- we ran a business together and I worked my pale little arse off.  He controlled everything and put money in my account as needed.  He gave me credit cards and he handled the financial aspect of those cards along with all of our bills.

Since our separation and divorce, Seth has become the master at holding finances over my head and previously, it worked.  I was still dependent on him for child support.  Some people struggle with body issues and I struggle with money issues.  I don’t have a spending addiction or anything of the sort but the mere topic of money or finances triggers post traumatic stress from the financial roller coaster that Seth put us through during our marriage.

I can’t even remember how many jobs Seth has lost since our divorce. His jobs last 3- 6 months and then the countdown begins. I discovered at the beginning of this year that Seth lost his job (again). I have received that same phone call many times since our divorce began in 2009. For the first time, I didn’t panic. I knew that we would be okay.

I found out this week with the help of a private investigator that Seth is heading to Cancun (the “out of state” wedding for which he cancelled his weekend visitation) this weekend.  At his last visitation, he arrived in a new car.  These two things are interesting given that he hasn’t made a full child support payment since February.  Priorities, right? I received a call yesterday from Child Support Services stating that Seth had actually been employed since March and that they had caught up with him again- and were successful in attaching his wages.

I felt like that little girl under the bed again.  I had managed to stay out of his reach this time.  His job loss doesn’t affect me anymore.  I have worked so hard to get to this place- it’s taken four years but I am out of his reach.

Seth has nothing to hold over my head anymore.

That is an amazing feeling.

It’s empowering.

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Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

I am writing today while channeling my funny bone.  Humor can be the best medicine. We’ve all seen the game show, “Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader?”  Lately I feel like I am stuck in an offshoot of that show called, “Are you Smarter than a 2nd Grader?”

I hear stories from other men and women on my site and often I am left feeling thankful that my own personal narcissist isn’t as intelligent as the ones that I read about. For many years, Seth led me to believe that he was the cream of the crop- above average SAT scores, IQ, etc.  I drank the sparkly pink kool-aid and was in awe of him.  I am still in awe of him but in a much different way.  I am often left wondering, “Did he really just put that in writing?!” or “Did he really just do that or say that?!”  The answer is always the same: yes, he really just did that.

Children are amazingly intelligent and perceptive– even at the ages of 6 and 8.  My daughters are already aware of their father’s manipulations. Here are just a few of the things that have come up lately:

• “Dad bought us ice cream yesterday and then said, ‘I buy you way more treats that your mom buys you.’ ” She relayed this conversation with inflection in her voice. She knows that he is trying to manipulate- and she is in 2nd grade.
• “Dad bought us Monster High Dolls and said that he doesn’t see a problem with them.  I know he buys them because you don’t like them”
• “Dad said that he calls every night and that you block his calls.  I know that you don’t do that and that he is lying.”
• “Mom, dad always promises us on the phone that we are going to have playdates and do fun things but we never do.  He is just saying that to make us excited about going to his house.  We never have playdates at his house.”

Last night Seth called and spoke to my oldest daughter. I watched her personality change as she spoke to him.  At the end of the call he told her that he loved her and missed her.  “OK” was her response.  That obviously didn’t sit well with him.  He then said, “Don’t you have any enthusiasm?  You are supposed to say, ‘I love you and miss you, dad!’ ” I think that section is covered on page 834 of the Narcissist handbook-  you MUST tell the narcissist that you love them and miss them despite their ongoing harmful actions.

Like with anything, Glenn and I are careful about how we respond.  We practice the art of listening and never add fuel to the tiny little flames that are appearing with every visit. I don’t have to say a word because they already know.  One of my favorite sayings is, “Your actions speak so loud that I can’t hear what you are saying.”  Seth is teaching our daughters this life lesson at every visit.

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Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Visits have been infrequent lately (thank you, God) for a variety of reasons.

Seth cancelled his March 30/31st visit with an email that stated,  “Tina, Most regrettably, I exceeded my available funds driving down the last two weekends in a row. The costs average $200-300 depending on where we go to get food.”

Stepping back into reality for a moment: I sent them food on their last visit because he never has food in his “home.” I packed lunches and snacks.  Prior to that visit, he took them to Taco Bell.  I think that his bill from the Downtown bar is becoming blurred with his visitation expenses.  Not sure how he is spending $200-300 per weekend when he only has them  from 11am to 5pm and I feed them both breakfast and dinner?  Anyway….

His next visitation was April 13th and 14th which is when I discovered that Gazelle #2 was back in the picture.  In a way, it was a welcomed relief as I know the girls are safer.  One would think that anyway. Not when you are dealing with a sick and twisted mind. Within minutes of getting into our car on Sunday, the girls proceeded to tell Glenn and I that while Gazelle #2 (Wendy) stepped out of the room to powder her nose, Seth threatened my youngest daughter, Sarah.  He told her that if she didn’t  get up and start cleaning that he would take her outside and put her in the doghouse.  He knows that she is scared of his brother’s dogs– and most dogs for that manner.

Most parents have had a “regrettable” moment where something is said in a moment of anger.  These are not things said in a moment of anger.  These are calculated, sadistic and planned things– these are things done to evoke fear. My youngest daughter seems to be his target for these threats while my oldest daughter receives most of his wrist squeezing and slapping. These recent events leave me thankful that our parenting evaluation is still in progress.

He just cancelled his next visitation during the first weekend in May.  His excuse: he is attending a wedding.  The excuse then changed to him being in the wedding.  Who knows what the real reason is but I am happy to have a peaceful weekend knowing my daughters won’t be threatened or bullied.

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

I feel like I should be reporting live from the bushes while dressed in camouflage but you’ll have to settle for an update from my laptop computer.  Some of you who are new to my blog may be wondering if you stumbled onto the wrong website.  Why is a site dedicated to education about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the Family Court System discussing antelopes from the savannahs of Africa?  You’ll have to click here to catch up to speed: Is it Prey or Pray?

As I reported on my Facebook page a while back, Seth and Sharon (aka Gazelle #3) called off their engagement over Valentine’s Day dinner.  Their engagement took place mid-January so it was very short lived- about one month in duration.

Yesterday, Glenn and I picked up the girls from a daytime visit with Seth.  I looked over at Seth’s car as we pulled into the parking space and there sitting in the front seat was Wendy (aka Gazelle #2).  “She’s baaaaaaaaaaaack” and she was sitting in close proximity to the Cheetah.  Here I had been breathing a sigh of relief that all three gazelles had escaped.

Piper and Sarah are obviously as confused as the rest of us but sadly, even more so because Piper proceeded to tell us that she found it “weird” that Seth was texting Sharon (Gazelle #3) while Wendy was in the pool with Sarah.  She was sitting next to him and even at her age, she thought it was strange.  The girls had originally met Wendy in December and then were introduced to Sharon via his engagement photos online.  Seth has recently told Piper and Sarah that he has “lots” of girlfriends but it seems like Wendy is currently vying to be lead gazelle at this point in the game.

As I ponder the sheer insanity that my poor daughters are being exposed to, three things stay with me:

1.   The lyrics from John Mayer’s “Daughters” song which came out around the time I was pregnant with Piper.  It was one of those songs that made me tear up during pregnancy because I had high hopes that Seth would be the father that she deserved.  During my divorce, that song made me cry for entirely different reasons because I was facing the grim reality of who Seth really was.

2. In an odd and bizarre way, I want to send Gazelle #2 a thank you card for coming back onto the savannah.  I worry less about Seth’s daytime visits when she is here and I know that besides texting his ex-fiance, Sharon, he is on his best behavior when Wendy is present.  That means that there is less opportunity for him to inflict damage on our daughters.

3. Sheer gratitude that Seth’s time with the girls is as limited as it is.  I can’t even imagine what they would be exposed to if custody was shared.

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Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

I was originally scheduled to spend the week of my honeymoon in trial….a full two day trial.  Thank God that my new husband has the patience of a Saint when it comes to my “other life.”  We were married on Saturday, April 6th and were able to spend two nights away from the world.  I had a pretty good inkling last week that the trial would be continued which originally, I was thankful for.  Until I found out how long it would be delayed.

The reason for the original delay has to do with our custody evaluation.  It isn’t finished as of yet and nothing could be addressed without the report.  I understand: there is a lot to investigate.  That isn’t the problem.  The courts were going to be able to get us on the calender in May however, due to attorney scheduling conflicts, the available dates didn’t work.  It gets worse.  The June calendar is completely “dark” meaning that they don’t hear ANY cases for the entire month.  The soonest we can be heard (without an ex parte) is JULY 10th.

Because there are multiple issues that need addressed prior to July, my attorney (still like the sound of that!) and I will be talking this week to discuss the next steps.  Wish me luck!

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections, tips and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.