by Lucy K. Wright
You can’t help but have a lot of emotion when you go to the courthouse. The first time I went I was in the bathroom for 30 minutes before I had to meet my lawyer – nauseous, worried, stressed, trying to keep it all under control while still looking presentable, and really wondering how I got to that point in my life. I wiped away a lot of tears that first time, but pulled it together and did the best I could to get through that grueling and emotional introductory period of time.
Fast-forward to today, and those initial feelings have still never really changed. I don’t cry anymore, but even last week, almost six years later and a lost count of how many times I’ve been back to the courthouse since, I went 30 minutes early because I was already starting to experience those same nauseous feelings the night before. I knew it was going to take some time to pull myself together before facing the lawyers, and especially the ExN, in that all-too-familiar setting.
I looked at the ExN last week and had a memory flash of how many times I’ve honestly tried to work with him and resolve things so that we would not have to end up back in front of the same Judge, again, battling the same basic issues, again. We have a very poorly written decree, which has a lot of grey area and a lot of room for the ExN to present different interpretations of things virtually every time he has a chance to. When he doesn’t get his way with any of his ever-changing inconsistent interpretations, he files something, and back to court we go.
I doubt he spends 30 minutes beforehand in the bathroom like I do; I do think he secretly loves the rush, or feeling of importance being with his lawyer, sitting in those chairs at the front of the courtroom. He has a new lawyer now, one that is very much of the same personality type as him, who is never ever willing to try and work anything out and changes his story about as much as the ExN does his. I try and take the high road, give what I can when I think it might help the situation, and present an honest version of my side of the case. It’s tough knowing that ultimately everything lies in the hands of the Judge to make decisions about my future, my life, and the lives of my children. But it is what it is, and if I have learned one thing throughout this non-ending ordeal, it is to make sure I am taking care of myself so that I can be strong and have the energy, stamina, and positive mental attitude to persevere through all of this. Still. Six years later.
I think most of you can relate to the first part of the analogous Muffin story below. Pay attention to the end. No matter what ExN battles you are facing, make sure you are putting yourself higher on your own “to-do” list. If you do not care for yourself, you will not be strong enough to take care of anything else in your life. Take your 30 minutes before court, or buy yourself a very special muffin or treat; because in these ExN battles especially, it all begins with you.
~LLS~ Lucy K.
“What Would a Narcissist do if you Gave Him a Muffin?”
If you give a Narcissist a muffin
He’ll ask why you didn’t give him yours too
Because you don’t really deserve a muffin
And you should already know he is extra hungry this morning
But he doesn’t really want to eat either one of the muffins
Because you didn’t buy them from the best muffin shop in town
And how dare you, because you should have driven ten miles
To get him the muffin he would have wanted in the first place
Rather than do what you did when you snuck out of the house early this morning
To make a trip to the grocery store, to bring home the muffins just for a surprise
But the muffins you chose were wrong
And you are stupid
And now he’s late for work
Because he had to take time once again to loudly remind you
That you did not make the extra effort to do what he would have wanted
Which you better remember to do next time
Or he will be really angry
And by the way, he is still hungry but now he has to leave
And this is all your fault
Because he never really wanted a muffin in the first place
He wanted eggs
But it was all just a game to see if he could manipulate you
Into giving your muffin to him
Which you did
Because it was just easier
And now he left
But what just happened?
It’s finally quiet and you realize you are still very hungry
And even though he said that doesn’t matter because your needs don’t count…
And you count too
So next time, when you think you want a muffin
And go out of your way to try and do something nice for a Narcissist
(Which you already know will probably end up being wrong even though you had very good intentions)
Do something nice for yourself instead
Sneak out and get just one muffin
Because YOU deserve it
Or better yet, get a doughnut
Muffins are overrated
Smile : )
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