“Olivia” ~ Blog 5

“Olivia” ~ Blog 5

OliviaNote from Tina: There are many faces to this battle and I am currently featuring a total of six different people who are all affected by narcissism. Some are divorcing a narcissist, some share custody with a narcissist, one is a man who is affected by his ex-wife’s personality disorder and one is an amazing young woman who is away at college but still feeling the effects of her father’s narcissism. While we are all different, we share the same story—the same trials and tribulations.  There are many faces to this battle and I am happy to share them with you. -Tina

“Olivia” ~ Blog 5

Because I am a legal adult and attend school out of state, my dad has very little control over me anymore. The only thing he has to hold over my head is money. He has always used money as a bribe, but this year he has taken it to a whole new level.

To give you a bit of background: my dad is required to pay all school expenses up to a certain amount as stated in the agreement between he and my mom. He has decided that he is just going to ignore the agreement. He has always hated spending money on someone other than himself. My first semester of college, he told me a week before I left for school that I would need to take out a student loan, because he wanted to start a new business. After that experience, he waited until the last possible moment to pay my tuition. When he finally bought my textbooks, I got a 15 minute guilt trip. I would have to agree to visit him or do something for him. He knows how important school is to me so he knows exactly how to manipulate me.

This was all happening occurring at the same time that the collection calls began.  The summer before college, my dad made me sign up for gym because he thought I was too heavy. He made me put all the information in my name however, he agreed to pay for the membership. He never paid for the gym. I was getting at least 3 collection calls a day before I finally was able to put an end the calls.

This semester, my dad has decided that he’s not going to pay for my tuition or my textbooks. He said because I am not seeing him or talking to him that he won’t pay for college. Maybe it’s because of my personality, but I don’t understand how someone can go back on a promise or an agreement. It’s difficult for me to understand why my schooling has these strings attached.  I am angry and hurt that my dad doesn’t honor his agreement. While I will never understand what goes on in my dad’s mind, I am starting to understand why this may be happening to me.

A few weeks ago, I saw a pin on Pinterest that is a quote by Louie Giglio. It said “God is using your present circumstances to make you more useful for later roles in his plan“. I am beginning to realize that having a narcissistic  Father is only making me stronger. I am learning lessons about life every time he does something horrible. When he refused to pay for my textbooks, I am learning to better budget my money so that I could plan for other things he might not pay for. I have also learned that its okay to reach out for help. My university’s minister has played a key role in helping me through this journey with my dad. My dad contacted him claiming that I am not talking to him, and I am not doing well. I went to talk to him about what my dad said. The minister guessed my dad was not sharing the entire story. He offered to help me if my dad tried to see me or if my dad refused to pay tuition. I know that I will able to use the experiences with my dad at some point in the future.

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2 Responses

  1. Although I’m sorry to hear of your struggles Olivia, your perspective and resilience gives me hope for my own daughter. She is only 13, and lives alone with her narcissistic father 9 hours away from me- I see her for 6 weeks in the summer and “alternating holidays.
    We successfully co-parented for years prior to his decision to move, and it was only after losing a devastating court battle that I saw how carefully he laid the groundwork for years prior.
    It’s been two years since he relocated with her, and I see changes in her that I’m certain are the result of his issues, and the passive-aggressive way he exerts control on those around him.

    Your courage, insight, and resilience give me hope that even from a distance, I can support my daughter emotionally as she deals with the after-effects of the manipulation her father has put us both through!

  2. Your battle is my strength for the future with my kids when they will face the same thing with their father. He already tells 13 yr old that there is no money for college. Totally untrue. I guess I will have to help the kids get what is rightfully theirs. Thank you for your story.