Category Archives: 9. General Information on Narcissism

Mar25

Dating a Narcissist: The Ups and Downs

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Dating a Narcissist: The Ups and Downs

ConfusionExcerpt taken from my book, “Divorcing a Narcissist” – and focuses on our dating life prior to marriage:

Seth: Greek form of Egyptian Set, possibly meaning “one who dazzles.” In mythology, this is the name of the ancient evil god of chaos, storms, and the desert.

Some days I felt like royalty, and other days I felt so beneath him. Talks which focused on my lack of a college education seemed to become more frequent as time went on. Seth introduced me to his work colleagues as his fiancé, which made me feel special and gave me a sense of stability in our relationship however, we weren’t engaged.

At one particular event, I overheard Seth telling his boss that I was going to be attending a local State college in the fall which left me confused and upset. I pressed him on the way home, and he admitted that in professional settings, it was embarrassing when conversations about college came up. I was crushed. No one had ever told me that I embarrassed them. Almost instantaneously, I could feel the self esteem that I worked so hard to regain slipping from my fingers.

The next day I woke up and put on a smile. The last thing that I wanted was to be accused of being a Debbie Downer and an embarrassment. I walked into the kitchen to make coffee and found flowers waiting for me on the kitchen table. The card expressed how sorry he was for hurting me. Seth claimed that I was the furthest thing in the world from an embarrassment. I accepted his apology.

  • Red Flag Reflection: The ups and downs were leaving my head spinning. Almost as quickly as Seth could crush me, he could build me back up with amazing, heartfelt letters and cards. Not only could I not make sense of the new world I was living in, I found it difficult to articulate what was happening to my friends or family.

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Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections, tips and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.  You can also purchase “Tips by Tina” and receive them by email within 24 hours.

Mar15

Parenting with a Narcissist After Divorce: Set Your Boundaries, Empower Your Children

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Parenting with a Narcissist After Divorce: Set Your Boundaries, Empower Your Children

NarcNote from Tina: I recently came across an article titled, “How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce” and felt myself jumping up and down in my seat saying, “Yes!  Yes!  Yes! THIS is what is happening in my life!” — I felt like the Author had interviewed us and written about my custody battle.  I hadn’t read anything that came so close to describing Seth and what he was doing to us.  I quickly contacted the Author, Paula Lovgren and asked her to guest blog for One Mom’s Battle.  I was honored when she said, “Yes!”.

Parenting with a Narcissist After Divorce: Set Your Boundaries, Empower Your Children

by Paula Lovgren

To parent your children with a narcissistic (N) parent, very little, if any of the traditional divorce/parenting advice is going to apply. Co-parenting? Not likely. Your number one job as the non-narcissist parent is to reduce conflict. You have to, because he won’t.* The N parent thrives on drama he creates because it provides him with narcissistic supply. He will take any form of supply he can get, even if it’s negative. Don’t engage with him. Reducing conflict with him is the best way to protect your children from the N’s behavior.

How can you do this? The following steps are pretty easy in theory, but as anyone dealing with an N knows, nothing is easy. The N’s behavior may escalate as he realizes you are disengaging with him. That can be scary for you. Stand your ground. In time, hopefully, when the N realizes that he’s not getting any supply, he’ll move on to other sources leaving you and your children in relative peace.

1. No face-to-face or phone conversations

The best way for the N to lie, manipulate and abuse is in conversations either on the phone or in person. It’s not necessary to put yourself in this position. Your job as a parent is to communicate important information about your children to the other parent. Communicating means to convey information, make known, reveal clearly. Nowhere in the definition of communicate does it mention talking.

Fortunately, we now have at our disposal a myriad of ways to communicate. Unfortunately, this has also led us (and in turn, our narcissistic abusers) to believe that we must be available at all times, to all people. Even if you are parenting with a former spouse it’s not necessary for them to every phone number, email address or social media contact. In fact, if you’re dealing with an N, they should not. One phone number to contact the kids, one email address to contact you and an emergency contact should they need to get a hold of you on short notice is all they need.

I suggest setting up a free web-based email account that can be accessed from any computer to be used only for communicating with the N parent. This is the only email address for you he should have access to. Sure, he may continue to rant, name call, threaten and otherwise try to bait you. Now you have it all in writing in one place. If he wants to put his bad behavior in black and white, well, good for you. Now you have a record and concrete evidence of his nasty behavior. You also have all agreements, schedule changes, and any other pertinent information in writing. That’s communication.

If you can have a separate phone for the kids, do it, even if it’s a cell phone that stays in the home and travels with you and the children on trips. The N does not need a personal phone number for you regardless of what he may think. He’s abused the privilege.. There are many free texting apps, if you have a smartphone, where he can still text you in emergencies without having your personal number. If he abuses this privilege, block him. You can also have a family member or close friend be the emergency contact who will then contact you in rare circumstances.

2. Have an iron-clad divorce decree

Get visitation schedules, holidays, phone calls, activities, pick-up/drop-off times and places and anything else that you see as potentially being a problem between you and the other parent explicitly written out in the divorce decree or marital termination agreement. Try to leave as little as possible open to negotiation after the divorce is final.

The divorce decree is your shield. At first, it may seem constraining because you, too, will have to abide by those agreements. However, in the long run, it will be easier and less stressful than trying to negotiate with an unreliable and unreasonable person. In addition, when you follow the decree as it’s written, anything he does in opposition to that is highlighted. Don’t argue with him. Let him hang himself with his own behavior. Just more good documentation for you.

3. Get healthy.

You have come out of an abusive relationship and now, you need to be as emotionally healthy as possible for your children. As easy as it is to write a list of what to do when divorcing a narcissist, every single one of us knows that it’s anything but easy. It takes time, healing and a really good support system to help you disengage from a narcissist and his crazy-making ways.

Seek counseling or a support group that focuses on abusive/narcissistic relationships. The N isn’t likely to change. Having a support system will help you hold your boundaries with him and focus your attention on yourself and your children instead of his antics. He’s had enough of your time and attention. Don’t give him anymore.

4. Validate and empower your children.

If reducing conflict with the other parent is your number one job, a close second is validating and empowering your children. You know how the N operates and he will treat his children no differently. You can’t change him and unless there is verifiable, concrete evidence that his children aren’t safe with him (physical/sexual abuse, drug/alcohol addiction) your children will most likely have to spend time with him.

As much as we want to, we really can’t protect our children from the N’s insidious behavior. As much as we believe it’s better for them to be shielded from it, they deserve to spend time with their other parent. Regardless of his behavior, your children love their other parent. They might not always like him, but they do love him and they do deserve the right to make up their own mind about their parent. I’m not going to lie, this is really hard. Really, really hard. As a therapist once said to me, “you have to let your children make up their own mind or they may turn their anger on you for cutting their parent out of their life. They won’t understand why, only that you ruined that relationship.” Ouch! Better to let the N do it himself.

What you can do is be your children’s number one support system and sounding board. Validate, validate, validate! You know how the N lies, manipulates and distorts reality. It’s not bashing your former spouse to validate your child’s feelings or to say that certain behavior is not okay. They need to be supported in their own reality because they already know something is wrong. They are looking for a mooring place in the rocky sea the N creates. Use neutral statements, like “I’m sorry that happened”, “I’ll bet that feels bad” or just simply “Ouch”. Above all, let your children know that their parent’s behavior and treatment of them has nothing whatsoever do with them.

Lastly, don’t take it all on yourself. Children can benefit greatly from having a therapist who specializes in working with children. Play therapy is wonderful. Children don’t even know that they are in “therapy”. They just know they have a really good friend who listens to them. Having a neutral third party validate the same things that you are takes away the “mom versus dad” mentality. They will begin to trust their own thoughts and feelings about the situation and to realize on their own that their parent’s behavior is not okay.

Reducing conflict with an N parent will often feel like an ineffective battle at best and additional fuel to the abusive fire at worst. At the outset, the N’s behavior is likely to escalate as he realizes he’s losing control. Stay strong and keep your focus on yourself and your children, not the N’s antics. Hopefully, when he realizes he’s playing his games with himself, he’ll get the message and find his narcissistic supply elsewhere.

*I realize that narcissists come in both genders. I only use “he” because that’s my experience. Same rules apply if the narcissist in your life is a “she”.

Paula Lovgren is a divorced mom of two kids and three cats. She has forged a workable parallel parenting arrangement with her former spouse and considers it a win. In addition, she is a freelance writer, garden designer and all around chauffeur for her kids. But not her cats.

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

Feb23

Is Oscar Pistorius a Narcissistic Sociopath?

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Is Oscar Pistorius a Narcissistic Sociopath?

Reeva SteenkampIs the Earth round?

I read the article in today’s Huffington Post titled, “Barry Steenkamp, Father of Oscar Pistorius’ Girlfriend Speaks Out” and shook my head as I read a quote from Mike Steenkamp, uncle of Reeva Steenkamp which said,

“Mike Steenkamp, Reeva’s uncle, told The Associated Press that the family of the double-amputee athlete initially did not send condolences or try to contact the bereaved parents, but had since sought to reach out in what he described as a poorly timed way. After Pistorius was released on bail in what amounted to a victory for the defense, Arnold Pistorius said the athlete’s family was relieved but also in mourning “with the family” of Reeva Steenkamp.” 
A victory.  That was very well stated because to a narcissistic sociopath, a victory (no matter how small) is a win.  That is all that matters to Oscar Pistorius and his camp of enablers and supporters.

Reeve’s father, Barry Steenkamp was quoted in the article as saying, “It doesn’t matter how much money he has and how good his legal team is, he will have to live with his conscience if he allows his legal team to lie for him,” Barry Steenkamp, Reeva’s father, told Beeld . “But if he is telling the truth, then perhaps I can forgive him one day,” the father said. “If it didn’t happen the way he said it did, he must suffer, and he will suffer … only he knows.”

Oh, he knows.

The sad reality that the Steenkamp’s will come to learn is that Oscar Pistorius will not have to live with his conscious because quite honestly, he is void of a conscious.  He is a narcissistic sociopath and if he walks away from this a free man– it will be nothing but a “win” and a “victory” to him.  Those of us who know about narcissists, sociopaths and other personality disorders know the sad reality of this situation.  Somehow, this sick “man” and his skilled legal team will probably be able to convince a jury that he believed an intruder entered his gated community, broke into his palace and then walked past his bed to use the potty in the bathroom of his master suite.

I hope that the media, the world and the courts begin to wake up about these sick individuals before we loose more people like Reeva Steenkamp.

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

Jan17

Is Lance Armstrong a Narcissist?

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Is Lance Armstrong a Narcissist?

lanceYes.

I could end this blog with that one little word, “YES.”

There is a great deal of irony in the latest news on Lance Armstrong. You see, the name “Lance Armstrong” was a huge part of my marriage. This man was Seth’s hero…his God.  When the Tour de France was broadcast on television, our lives came to a halt.  Seth lived on the couch with a beer in hand and was probably wearing spandex shorts  to form some type of bizarre brotherly kinship with Lance.  Our life literally stopped to watch this cycling God.

I just watched portions of Oprah’s interview and it made me feel ill.  I had promised myself that I would not provide Lance Armstrong with anymore attention through my blog but I regress.  The world needs to know that they just watched Narcissistic Personality Disorder in action.

Some of the things that he said when questioned by Oprah:

Did it feel wrong- cheating? “No.  Scary.”  (he admitted that it was scary)

Did you feel bad about it. “No. Even scarier.”

Did you feel that you were cheating? “No. The scariest.”

Zero remorse = Narcissism.

He played the victim card yet he was the bully all along = Narcissism.

He said that he was flawed. I agree = Narcissism.

He wanted to control the outcome at all costs:  to win.  That describes my custody battle.

He is currently experiencing every narcissist’s worst nightmare: the spotlight is shining on him and exposing the real Lance Armstrong. I purchased one of those damn yellow bracelets and if I could find it then I would probably ask for a refund.  This man isn’t a hero by any stretch of the imagination.  He is a bully, a liar, an evil man and a cheater.  He is a narcissist.

My friend Paula is a contributor to the Washington Times and asked the question that Oprah missed,  “Have you changed?”  To read more of Paula’s article titled, “Lance Armstrong’s pending “Jailhouse” confession: Do We Care?”, click here.

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

Dec18

Similarities Between High Conflict Divorce And Triathlons

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Similarities Between High Conflict Divorce And Triathlons

triathlonWhat does divorcing a narcissist have in common with triathlons? Both require a great deal of strength and endurance. While I have never personally competed in a triathlon, I do happen to know a lot about the sport.  I also know a great deal about divorcing a narcissist.

You are probably wondering what swimming, biking and running have to do with battling a narcissist in divorce court?  If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of going up against a narcissist in court, you will need to put your game face on and gain an intimate understanding of the sport.

Just like a triathlon, there are three stages to divorcing a narcissist:

1.  Swimming–Keeping Your Head above Water

Float when needed: There are times when you will feel like you are sinking.  This is the time to flip over and float for a few minutes to regain your breath and your composure. Breathing techniques are essential to a successful swimmer and they are also critical to keeping yourself centered and above water.

2.  Biking–Using Support, Tools, Rest, Logging your Progress and “Drafting” to take you far down the road

  • Support: While there are a plethora of support groups for divorce in general, there is a huge need for support from people who understand the intricacies of divorcing a narcissist. Finding an online support group will provide the knowledge and tools needed to weather this storm.  Aligning with a therapist who understands personality disorders is also crucial to your healing.
  • Tools: Find an attorney who understands Narcissistic Personality Disorder may be your most important tool. Your energy is not best spent trying to explain the behaviors of your ex-husband to your own legal team. A narcissist’s conduct is baffling to those who are uneducated on the disorder. You need an attorney who is skilled at honing in on the narcissists weaknesses and untruths.
  • Rest: Divorcing a narcissist requires the strength of an endurance athlete. Taking downtime and regrouping in between the inevitable narcissistic attacks is critical. Embrace the quite moments and find calming activities such as yoga, meditation or other a warm bubble bath.
  • Logging: A logbook is another essential tool whether competing in a triathlon or divorcing a narcissist. Solid documentation will paint a picture that is difficult for the Family Court System to ignore.
  • Drafting: Having a support system of friends to take the lead during portions of the race will allow you to save your energy for the uphill sections that await you. This is the time to put your pride aside and allow others to assist you whenever possible.

3.  Running–Pacing Yourself

There is a reason why triathletes are called, “endurance athletes”. The endurance needed to withstand the trials and tribulations that accompany a high conflict divorce could be classified as superhuman.  Heed my advice when I say to pace yourself because burnout is inevitable if you don’t take it slow and easy. Don’t leave the gate running at a high rate of speed. Remember the tale of the tortoise and the hare. Keep your pace slow and steady. ###

Bio: Tina Swithin survived a Category Five Divorce Hurricane and has taken shelter in her book titled, “Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle and in her blog, “One Mom’s Battle.” Tina resides in sunny California with her fiancé, two daughters and three-legged tortoise named, “Oliver.” 

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Nov17

Re-Writing Your Truths

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Re-Writing Your Truths

Taken from Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle:

Anyone who has dealt with a narcissist knows that they are the masters of projecting their own truths onto you. I have been called manipulative, dishonest, uneducated and vindictive. While I know that these are not my “truths”, I have worried on occasion that the court will be manipulated into believing these things from Seth.

Build your “foundation” from rock—the rock that comes from knowing what is the truth and what are lies about you. Prepare a “truth” and “lies” list and absorb both lists to your core (mind, body, and spirit). If through this process, you find some truths that hurt then put them on your list of “things to work on” and re-write the truth into a positive.  Here is a personal example that I will share with you:

  • Truth:  I do not have a college degree.
  • Things to work on: Learn to value my education and knowledge gained from outside of the confines of a classroom- college degree versus life experiences, reading, seminars, mistakes, observations and the wisdom shared by others. Look into a college “Life Experience” credit program; enroll in an online class.
  • Re-written truth:  I do not have a college degree at this time.  I currently have knowledge, skills, and life experiences that are far more valuable than the information gained from a 4-year program.  The world is full of educated idiots and I am not one of them.

After you’ve re-written your truth into a “positive”, find a quote or manta to remind yourself of your truths.  Here are a few that I found:

 “We are students of words: we are shut up in schools, and colleges, and recitation rooms, for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last with a bag of wind, a memory of words, and do not know a thing.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“He is like a man which built a house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock.” -The Bible-Cambridge Ed

“The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”
- Carl R. Rogers

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” -Albert Einstein

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To Purchase “Tina’s Tips”, click here.

Nov11

Twisting Reality and Standing in the Truth

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Twisting Reality and Standing in the Truth

No matter how innocent the communication is with Seth, I inevitably open myself to an attack.  If I ask for health insurance cards and then thank him for complying, I receive the type of email that I got Friday night.

If I ask Seth to switch visitation times by 15 minutes, it opens the door for him to attack my weight, education and the little freckle on my left foot.  It’s exhausting.  On Halloween night, I sent Seth a text message photo of the girls dressed up in their costumes.  Less than 24 hours later, he sent me another rambling, attacking email.

This was a snippet of his email to show how he can twist reality: 

Tina- Now that I have reviewed your blog, it shows you are suffering from severe mental issues and you need therapy.  You showed up at at a “Broadway Show” and asked Christie Brinkley to ”autograph” your divorce papers, then you “burst into tears”.  This is absolutely tell tale of your lack of emotional stability.  Tina you are inflicting a split household on our children because that is how you grew up, with feelings of abandonment from your mother, raised by just your father. Your mother suffered from “bipolar personality disorder”  tis is a gentically transferable condition and you may have this diagnosis as well Tina. -Seth

Twisting reality: While I empathize with the woman who DID cry over her divorce papers, it wasn’t me.  It does however, demonstrate exactly  how he twists reality to suite the world that he has created in his head.  Here is the quote from Christie Brinkley that he is referencing:

It was an honor for me to meet Tina Swithin.  Every day she is helping women get through a painful period of their life.  Last night after my Broadway show, I was greeted at the stage door by  a woman who gave me her divorce papers to autograph.  I asked her if she was ok and a flood of tears ensued.  I understood.  I told her to look up, “One Mom’s Battle” and that she would find great advice to help her get through divorcing a Narcissist.  Thank you, Tina for creating a wonderful resource to share!!!!  -Christie Brinkley

Any attempt on my part to facilitate peaceful communication is attacked and quite honestly, it gets old.  Co-parenting is a joke and the insinuation of parental alienation syndrome is even more ridiculous.  The definition of co-parenting in my situation would mean that I get to duck and cover while he throws verbal punches until I am so beaten down that I can’t stand up.  I will sell my spot to the highest bidder.  Anyone?  Anyone?

I needed to hear my Aunt’s words of wisdom last night: “Let the truth be your foundation“.  My Aunt didn’t give birth to me but she is my mom.  She knows me better than anyone in this world and I keep every pep talk from her close to my heart.  Everyone needs an “Aunt Bev” in their life and in case you don’t have an Aunt Bev, I will share her :)

Disclaimer before you read further: I am not a religious person but I do have a strong relationship with God.  I only stepped foot in a church for the first time 4 years ago and my church has since become my lifeline.  I respect everyone’s beliefs and orientation — even if you worship pink leprechauns or three legged ladybugs.  Once in a while, I will share things that happened to me in church.  Today is one of those days so if you are offended, please cover your eyes, stick two fingers in your ears or hold your nose (ha!).

Today’s service was about being under attack by scheming, lies and fear.  In one portion, the pastor discussed enemies scheming to harm Nehamiah and his response was, “I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down.  Why should the work stop while I leave it and go down to you?”

The pastor then went onto to discuss the opposition lying and that you should continue to stand in the truth.  When Nehamiah heard the lie, he replied, “Nothing like what you are saying is happening; you are just making it up out of your head.”  (At this point, I understood the very vocal, emotionally charged worshipers that I’ve seen on television.  I was half-way concerned that I was about to stand up and start speaking in tongues….humor…stay with me….)

Whatever your beliefs, I hope that you can sift through to the message as I did.  The pastor said that in any situation such as the one described, you should say to yourself, “Time out!  What is the reality here?”  I needed that today more than ever.  I am going to continue to operate from truth and I am confident that everything will be fine.

Stand in the truth.  Build your foundation on the truth.  Speak the truth even if your voice shakes.

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To Purchase “Tina’s Tips”, click here.

 

 

 

 

Nov10

Building a Foundation on the Truth

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Building a Foundation on the Truth

Sometimes I need to practice what I preach.  I often tell people not to waste their emotions on Narcissistic attacks.  These people do not deserve the feelings, emotions or reactions that we often give them.  Last night, I allowed my x to get under my skin.

My daughter’s health insurance expires this month and thankfully, child support services enforced the court order stating that my x has to provide health insurance through his company.  I emailed him two days ago asking for the policy information.  He sent it and I wrote back a very simple, “thank you”.

Last night, I opened my email to discover this email (I removed a few portions but this is 98% of it):

Tina- Why dis you cancel the health insurance for (the girls)?  With my loss of a job last year due to various factors including your constant harassment and vexatious litigation against me, you did a good job providing insurance for a few months. Why did you cancel our daughters insurance that was provided by (your company)? I would have thought you’d follow the court order to maintain health insurance for the children.  

Albeit, you have not once in 4 years done anything to help ensure that our daughters could have a normal healthy father-daughter relationship with me, their father. Instead, you didn’t show up at countless scheduled visitations because I didn’t notify you precisely at 10:59 AM. You knew I was waiting, yet you refused to let me spend a few precious hours with (the girls).

You are obsessed with “destroying me.”  People who know me and you keep asking, “What’s up with Tina?  What’s wrong with her?”  You are publicly demonstrating that you are mentally unstable in the community.

It is so disconcerting that your motivation is money.  You read the Secret in 2008, you watched the movie 3 times in a row;  it states the recipe for success is to write a book to become “Rich” and that’s your goal.

You are proving you are vengeful, selfish and uninterested in how much damage you are causing to (the girls) for your own “ego boost”  bragging over “100,000 visitors to my blog!!”   Tina your desire for fame and money is obviously more important to you than preserving our daughters sanctity and privacy.  I doubt your book will generate any profit, but the point is the girls are going to be emotionally damaged forever by your book/blog. What if I walked around calling you names and saying you’re bipolar. How would they feel about themselves when they heard their mom has more than a few screws loose.  

You have not once in 4 years done anything to help ensure our daughters could have a relationship of love and nurture with me, their father.  You don’t tell me about their performances, you had (your fiance) bring them to a father-daughter ball and you make (oldest daughter) feel rewarded when she informs you of anything negative.  

I am not “disturbed ” a “narcissist” a “psychopath” or “sick”.  I have been successful in my past with education and business but my only interest now is (the girls), and ensuring they make it through college with a healthy and free attitude to enjoy life and the challenges.

You are proving you are vengeful and obviously obsessed with “destroying me” by your blog; at least my reputation in a small town where I grew up and you know many people know me and you.  I am going to seek damages to my reputation and my parent’s career options. This is inevitable if you continue your libel, slander and defamation.  Or just use your free will, do what’s in the best interest of (the girls) reputations now and when they’re teenage girls and stop all of your defamation and libel.  

Tina you went to (a continuation high school). You barely finished high school. You’re a good fiction writer, that I’ll give you. But you have 0 training in psychology. You have the audacity to write, “As you know, I was successful in obtaining new parenting evaluation at our last hearing,” Tina you asked that my daughters were limited to see me on Saturdays (with a supervisor present).  Your filing an FL-300 “Request for an Order” was to take the children away from me completely. Your blog is a conundrum of crafted and intricate lies.

I asked as Item #1 for a Custody Evaluation because our children need a mentally stable parent in their lives. You’re clearly demonstrating pathological patterns of delusion with no Interest in the truth; with no interest on right and wrong; nor how ethically to do what is right for (daughters).

 You want money and profit from a delusional fictional narrative in your own (quite possibly clinically bipolar) mind.   I am deeply concerned about your mental stability now that I have read your entire  blog. It’s disturbing on many levels. I am most concerned now about how our children, (daughter #1) initially and soon (daughter #2′s) emotional damage will manifest upon exposure to their Mom’s words about the Dad they love just as much as you Tina.

 You have no idea how negatively this will affect our children. This is no “battle” as you say. It’s not about putting on “big girl panties” and “fighting” as you state on your blog. This is not delusion or fiction Tina, it is about two children who’s own sense of self is reliant on a healthy relationship with their father and mother. Their own self-esteem is from both of us Tina.  You calm them “mini me”. That alone is poor parenting. Let them be themselves and decide for themselves Tina.

I am pleading with you to stop your little ego feed from the blog, go back to earning an income and move on in your life. Stop obsessing over what gym I work out at, where I live, what girlfriend I may have 220 miles from where my daughters reside, and get on with your own life.  ###

I stared at the email and I let it get to me.   I had many reactions to it.

1. My x actually cc’d his attorney on this email.  How can someone read this and not question his mental stability?  I emailed his attorney (for the 2nd time) and requested that he cease this type of harassment.  There is a court order in place that prevents these emails and this is the second one this month.  I have been requesting that he cease from these emails for three years.  At this point, filing contempt charges may be the only way to stop this from continuing.

2. I wanted to respond to so many things that he wrote:

  • For the sake of my daughters, I want to beg him to stop giving me information to write about.  I started blogging out of desperation.  No one in the court system was listening to me.  I fought for a parenting evaluation in 2009 and they didn’t see through him or listen.  I fought for minor’s counsel in 2011 and was left feeling the same way.  I want someone to be accountable if something happens to my daughters and publicly blogging about this nightmare gave me hope that someone would finally listen.  Someone has to listen because I feel the same desperation today that prompted my blog in 2011.
  •  I can’t encourage a “normal, healthy father-daughter relationship” if there is no foundation for it.  I want more than anything in this world for my daughter’s father to be healthy.  I don’t want my daughters to ever suffer emotionally.  I would do anything to fix him and their relationship.  Anything.
  • I am not bi-polar nor has there ever been any question about my mental stability.  My therapist will gladly attest to this fact.  My mother was bi-polar; I am not.
  • I am not trying to destroy him and in fact, I have my Facebook adverts blocked from my entire country and surrounding counties.  I wish that he would stop reading my blog because its not about him.  It’s about so much more.
  • I wanted to tell him to take this energy that he expends on these email attacks and put the same amount of energy into something positive- like a relationship with his daughters.  If he could use half the energy he spends trying to hurt me into something healthy, I would have zero content to write about.
  • I am tired of the delusions.  I don’t have Lupus.  I didn’t go to any type of continuation high school.  Where does he come up with this stuff?  As much as I learn about these disorders, I will never understand how someone just makes up a new reality in their mind- and then seems to believe it.

I called my Aunt tonight to talk about the email.  I get angry (with myself) that I allow myself to be hurt by his words.  I needed a pep talk from my aunt.  I want to share the email that my dear Auntie Bev sent me because her words are so true and I believe that her words can also help many of you who struggle with the same thing:

Tina- You know the truth about you….but you haven’t let it become your foundation yet.  Let the truth be your foundation–then nothing anyone says will affect you.  Learn from the “Three Little Pigs.”  Build your “house” so that no one can destroy it.  Be strong in what you know.

I suggest that you build your foundation by building a list (and emotionally absorbing it) of truths about Tina.  Then do a list of lies about Tina.  Be confident of both.  That is what you need to do in your mind and in court–show what an ugly, evil, nasty person he is and how his lies make him uglier.

You are a strong, healthy, loving, kind, beautiful, intelligent woman and an amazing mom.  Period.  Own it.

I love you with all my heart. Auntie

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Nov3

Media Spotlight on Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Lance Armstrong

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Media Spotlight on Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Lance Armstrong

Is Lance Armstrong a Narcissist?

In Psychology Today’s recent article titled, “Lance Armstrong: The Hero as Narcissist- Losing the race against shame” delves into this allegation and substantiates the claim quite well. In the article, Dr. Joseph Burgo, Ph.D states:

“Armstrong appears to have spent a lifetime perfecting an ideal self-image to cover over a sense of inner defect. He has assiduously cultivated his image as a courageous survivor of cancer, a tireless and heroic competitor, a crusader on behalf of other cancer victims. While these descriptions all contain an element of truth, it turns out that Armstrong’s persona is fundamentally a lie. Like all narcissists, he has expended vast resources to preserve that lie. He has threatened friends and teammates, committed perjury under oath and paid bribes to medical doctors, all in order to bolster his ideal false self.”

One of the first allegations that I personally witnessed tagging Lance Armstrong as a Narcissist was from my blogging friend and Washington Times contributor, Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo’s blog, Domestic violence abusers and Lance Armstrong. It seems as though mainstream media is now hopping on the Narcissism bandwagon as I’ve seen the allegations on Fox News ( Edge on the Clock: Lance Armstrong a Narcissist? ) and even Bicycling Magazine’s recent article which states, “There was no doubt in Lying Lance’s mind that he was the best cyclist the world had ever seen, and, like any person tending toward narcissistic personality disorder, he could tolerate no one who would dare question his innate perfection.” 

Lance Armstrong’s Failure to Come Clean is ‘Classic Hallmark of Narcissistic Personality,’ Says Psychologist Dr. Sam Von Reiche in a recent article on Celebuzz

Why do I care whether or not Lance Armstrong is a Narcissist?  Why should you care?  We should all be applauding this recent press because once again, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is gaining media attention.  It gives the disorder a famous face and regardless of who is this month’s Narcissist Poster Child, it provided education to the general public.  Peter Cook last month and Lance Armstrong this month.

###

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To purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle”, click here. You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive while divorcing a narcissist or co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and to begin healing. 

 

Oct31

An Open Letter to Dr. Phil Regarding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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An Open Letter to Dr. Phil Regarding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Dr. Phil,

I have never been a fan of yours.  I’ve never paid attention to your work because the few times I’ve seen your show, it had a very “Jerry Springer-esque” feel to it.  My comment on your community page wasn’t published so I will resort to writing you an open letter in hopes that you will issue a public apology.

Several people wrote to me today regarding your show on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and because that is a topic very near and dear to my heart, I watched the clip.  To say that I was appalled by your portrayal of a very serious personality disorder is an understatement.  Narcissism isn’t about standing in front of a mirror and being enamored with oneself.

Narcissism has wreaked havoc on my life and countless other men and women who find themselves divorcing a narcissist.  Susan Powell tried to divorce a narcissist.  Lacey Peterson is an example of someone who was married to a narcissist.  Obviously, there are varying degrees of narcissism.  As someone who promotes himself as a “doctor”, you should be incredibly ashamed of yourself.

There are an army of us who work tirelessly to educate the public, the media and the courtroom about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and you just set us back tremendously.  I encourage you to speak to the women and men in my group who have been devastated by this personality disorder.  I encourage you to do a show that take a look at the reality of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and what it is like to divorce a narcissist.

Here are just a few quotes from my Facebook page today:

  • I posted on the show’s Facebook page this morning and said being narcissistic goes waaaay beyond looking at yourself in the mirror too much, something most teenage girls do but generally out grow. He’s an ass. He’s a narcissist. That’s why he trivialized it, I think. After all, how could a balding, middle-aged man EVER be accused of being narcissistic if mirror-gazing is how it’s determined?
  • It was disgusting. Makes NPD look as though its just people staring at themselves. He did not go into the abuse and utter devastation the victim suffers. Not to mention the effect on children. How can people understand this mental illness if people in the media trivialize it??
  • Reminds me of when Matt Lauer interviewed Christy Brinkley. It is truly a disgrace to all of us that suffer daily from dealing with NPD.
  • Tina, I was going to message you about this after I happened to see it today, glad others felt the same way, too & said something. I was initially happy to hear that he was covering the topic of narcissism & ended up that it was a total joke, a disgrace to all of us that are dealing with exes with NPD. The only thing I did feel he effectively portrayed was how those uneducated about this disorder perceive it. If anyone on this site can honestly say their ex actually admits they are a narcissist, I would be shocked. It’s garbage like this that is broadcasted that takes us a step back in our quest to get the attention of family courts. In my case, we had psychologicals done that specifically said, among other things, that my ex was “quite narcissitic” & the magistrate ignored it, wouldn’t allow it discussed in court & probably thought…”so he is a little selfish & looks at himself in the mirror too much”. They have NO idea. Thanks for nothing, Dr. Phil.
  • Truly disgusting. Truly disturbing. I hope no one I have told my story to saw this. It’s hard enough for anyone to believe it. Now it’s been trivialized and distorted.

If you are interested to speaking to real people who know what this disease is about first-hand, I encourage you to contact me because you owe it to the public to set the record straight about what this disorder really is.

Sincerely, Tina

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or Follow me on Twitter @onemomsbattle.com

To purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle”, click here. You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive while divorcing a narcissist or co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and to begin healing.