Note from Tina: There are many faces to this battle and I am currently featuring a total of six different people who are all affected by narcissism. Some are divorcing a narcissist, some share custody with a narcissist, one is a man who is affected by his ex-wife’s personality disorder and one is an amazing young woman who is away at college but still feeling the effects of her father’s narcissism. While we are all different, we share the same story—the same trials and tribulations.  There are many faces to this battle and I am happy to share them with you. -Tina

“Emily’s Story” ~ Blog 6

Marriage

Growing up, I remember hearing that marriage was hard work.  This was a message that I took to heart and I knew that divorce would never be an option for me.  Making a marriage work was simply a matter of trying hard enough.  The problem is that nobody ever tells you how much work is too much work.

My marriage to Craig was constant work and it was exhausting.  I went to bed most nights feeling hopeless then woke up the next morning with new resolve.  I was on a mission to create a happy marriage and a healthy family for my children and nothing was going to stop me.

I left no stone unturned in my search for ways to fix my marriage.  Craig and I went to counseling together and I saw a counselor separately.  My counselor told me that Craig’s violence would not change.  I remember her saying, “Violent people will always react to stress with violence and life is full of stress.”  But, of course, she didn’t know my husband like I did.  I had an endless supply of hope for Craig and the person I knew that he could be.

When counseling didn’t give me the answers I needed, I broadened my search.  I read countless relationship books and articles.  I Googled things like “Why do men lie?” and “Men who are selfish.”  I thought that if I could understand Craig’s behavior, I could fix the problem.  Craig and I went to a weekend retreat for troubled marriages.  I even tried backing off of all of my efforts and just praying for Craig.  I loved Craig and I believed that he loved me.  I told myself that I had to be patient and wait out the rough patch; surely things would get better soon.

Craig would go along with all of my efforts in order to appease me and to look like the “good guy” but there was never any substance behind any of it for him.  I tried desperately to get him to care about our family but, as I learned, you can’t make someone care.  To say that Craig didn’t “get” what being a father and a husband meant is an understatement.

In the end, I was exhausted and out of hope.  I had to accept that Craig would never change.  In fact, despite all of my efforts, his behavior was escalating.  I had to choose to either accept the reality of life with him or leave.  After weighing my options carefully, I told Craig that I was moving out with our children.  He never once asked me to stay.

Bio: First and foremost, I am a mother to my two beautiful girls.  I come from a large Catholic family of 6 children which includes my 3 sisters and 2 brothers.  My parents have a stable, loving marriage and my family is very close and supportive.  I make a point of saying this because I believe that anyone can end up in an abusive relationship.  I grew up believing in the goodness of others and had never really experienced any major disappointments in life, until I met Craig.  I am currently in the beginning stages of divorcing Craig, but I have been here before.  Craig has left us a total of 3 times and I have allowed him to “suck me back in” with his empty claims of remorse and short-lived promises of change.  He is (was) very good at making me question myself.  After Craig’s lies and violence toward me continued throughout my pregnancy with our second daughter, I knew that our marriage consisted of only one healthy party and I was done.  Although leaving for good was the hardest thing I have ever done, I will never again look back.

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Note from Tina: There are many faces to this battle and I am currently featuring a total of six different people who are all affected by narcissism. Some are divorcing a narcissist, some share custody with a narcissist, one is a man who is affected by his ex-wife’s personality disorder and one is an amazing young woman who is away at college but still feeling the effects of her father’s narcissism. While we are all different, we share the same story—the same trials and tribulations.  There are many faces to this battle and I am happy to share them with you. -Tina

“Emily’s Story” ~ Blog 5

A Letter to Craig’s Girlfriend

Dear Allison,

I have often thought about writing to you.  I would love to tell you to turn back now and save yourself from the pain that lies ahead.  Craig is nothing if not predictable and I know how your relationship will play out.  Unfortunately, because I have learned the hard way, I know that you will have to find your own answers.

Strangely enough, I always knew that Craig would pursue you if I ever left him.  You are an easy target for him, a single mother with a young son.  He knew that he could suck you in very quickly.  Another key for Craig is your long-distance relationship which makes it even easier for him to keep up his charade.  I’m sure you feel like you’ve won the lottery with a wonderful boyfriend who will be a great father to your son.  By now you should know that if things seem too good to be true, they probably are.

I’m sure you think you know Craig but, trust me, you don’t know the half of what life is really like with Craig.  I realize that you know he is still married but do you know that he has already cheated on you at least twice?

I wonder how he explains the demise of our marriage and his lack of involvement as a father.  Have you started to see his patterns yet?  Craig is not responsible for any of his actions; he is the perpetual victim.  Have you seen my complaint for divorce?  If you have, do you justify the counts of violence that are listed?  I’m guessing that you have yet to see Craig angry and can’t imagine him hurting a fly.  I used to think the same thing.

While I don’t know you, I am fairly confident that you are a kind person with every good intention.  Part of me is glad that Craig is someone else’s problem but I wouldn’t wish the road that you and your son have ahead on anyone.  My hope for you is that you discover the truth sooner rather than later and that you are strong enough to leave.

Sincerely,

Emily

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Note from Tina: There are many faces to this battle and I am currently featuring a total of six different people who are all affected by narcissism. Some are divorcing a narcissist, some share custody with a narcissist, one is a man who is affected by his ex-wife’s personality disorder and one is an amazing young woman who is away at college but still feeling the effects of her father’s narcissism. While we are all different, we share the same story—the same trials and tribulations.  There are many faces to this battle and I am happy to share them with you. -Tina

“Emily’s Story” ~ Blog 4

Visitation: It has always been my goal and my hope to find peace and to work towards co-parenting with Craig.  Over time, I have come to accept that this is not realistic.  My goal now is to simply learn to cope with all that Craig throws our way and to provide my daughters with the tools to do the same.

When I first moved out, I thought that Craig and I living apart would make him a less angry person.  After all, I was the cause of all of his stress.  The reality is that he isn’t a happy or content person and he certainly doesn’t like having people (i.e. a family) to answer to.

I moved in with my parents who live 2 miles away from the house that Craig and I had shared.  Craig literally drove by my parents’ house on his way to and from work.  In the beginning, I encouraged Craig to see the girl as much as possible.  I wanted to give our older daughter a sense of security and “normalcy.”

For the first couple of weeks, Craig came over about twice a week to put the girls to bed.  He soon grew bored of this when I paid little attention to him.  On two occasions, I went to our old house after he had called to say he was “too tired” to come see the girls after work.  I walked into the house both times to find a recycle bin overflowing with beer bottles and a new nearly empty bottle of liquor in the freezer, all of which Craig drank alone.

The next couple of months saw a variety of visitation arrangements, none of which were fulfilled reliably by Craig.  Thankfully, overnight visits have not been an issue.  After having to move out of the house we had previously shared, Craig moved into an apartment with two girls he claims that he met online.  He then got fired from his job and took a job an hour and a half away from us.  Craig makes claims that he wants to see the girls “every weekend at a minimum” and “as much as possible.”  It sounds good doesn’t it?  What he really wants is for me to cater to his every whim.

I can tell you that the reality of co-parenting with Craig involves a lot of cancellations, disappointments, and frustration.  He has a knack for creating a power struggle out of any situation which is fueled by his “no one is going to tell me what to do” attitude.

After Craig threatened to break my arm in front of the girls and strangled me while I was holding our younger daughter, I began insisting on supervised visitation every other weekend.  My parents now drive the girls to see Craig and stay during his time with them.  At least for now, I know they are safe.

I can’t say I know what the outcome will be as my legal battle has just begun.  Maybe my story will become the long struggle that so many others have endured but maybe my story will be a source of hope.  Either way, I am prepared to see it through to the end and am trying to accept that the final decision is out of my hands.

Bio: First and foremost, I am a mother to my two beautiful girls.  I come from a large Catholic family of 6 children which includes my 3 sisters and 2 brothers.  My parents have a stable, loving marriage and my family is very close and supportive.  I make a point of saying this because I believe that anyone can end up in an abusive relationship.  I grew up believing in the goodness of others and had never really experienced any major disappointments in life, until I met Craig.  I am currently in the beginning stages of divorcing Craig, but I have been here before.  Craig has left us a total of 3 times and I have allowed him to “suck me back in” with his empty claims of remorse and short-lived promises of change.  He is (was) very good at making me question myself.  After Craig’s lies and violence toward me continued throughout my pregnancy with our second daughter, I knew that our marriage consisted of only one healthy party and I was done.  Although leaving for good was the hardest thing I have ever done, I will never again look back.

###

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Note from Tina: There are many faces to this battle and I am currently featuring a total of six different people who are all affected by narcissism. Some are divorcing a narcissist, some share custody with a narcissist, one is a man who is affected by his ex-wife’s personality disorder and one is an amazing young woman who is away at college but still feeling the effects of her father’s narcissism. While we are all different, we share the same story—the same trials and tribulations.  There are many faces to this battle and I am happy to share them with you. -Tina

“Emily’s Story” ~ Blog 2

In the beginning…

I married Craig when I was 22 years old and we already had a 6 month old little girl.  Craig was in the military as an active-duty member and I returned to school full-time to finish my Bachelor’s Degree after taking the semester off following my daughter’s birth.  I had a lot of concerns about Craig’s lack of involvement as a father, his dishonesty, and his irresponsible behavior and I hoped that he would grow up soon.  I was fully aware of the fact that we had begun our marriage with the cards stacked against us as young parents, but I was ready to tough through these things in order to make it all work.  You will probably not be surprised to hear that my marriage went south very quickly.

Craig’s violence toward me began as I started to challenge him on the endless reasons that he needed to be away from home so often.  At first, he would pin me up against a wall by my neck.  This evolved into Craig strangling me, once while we were driving.  The couple in the car in front of us saw what was happening and slammed on their brakes, causing a car accident.  To make matters worse, Craig had also let our car insurance lapse.  Although he seems to “snap” and completely lose control when he is angry, I think Craig was deliberate about his method of abuse.  Strangling me gave Craig both the satisfaction of exerting his power and control and the comfort of knowing that he wasn’t really abusive; he will remind me to this day that he “never hit me.”

On the last day of classes one semester, a classmate of mine, Susan, pulled me aside.  She had returned to college later in life and I enjoyed talking with her.  Susan told me that I had no idea how much I had impacted her life.  I was very touched even though I had no idea what I had done or said that meant so much to her.  It was amazing to think that even as my life unraveled personally, I could still have a positive impact on someone else.  I told my Dad about what Susan had said to me and he suggested that maybe this was God working though me.  In writing this, I hope to be able to impact others on some level.  Whether you believe in God working through us or in the right people being placed into our lives at the right time, we all have the power to touch each others lives.

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Bio: First and foremost, I am a mother to my two beautiful girls.  I come from a large Catholic family of 6 children which includes my 3 sisters and 2 brothers.  My parents have a stable, loving marriage and my family is very close and supportive.  I make a point of saying this because I believe that anyone can end up in an abusive relationship.  I grew up believing in the goodness of others and had never really experienced any major disappointments in life, until I met Craig.  I am currently in the beginning stages of divorcing Craig, but I have been here before.  Craig has left us a total of 3 times and I have allowed him to “suck me back in” with his empty claims of remorse and short-lived promises of change.  He is (was) very good at making me question myself.  After Craig’s lies and violence toward me continued throughout my pregnancy with our second daughter, I knew that our marriage consisted of only one healthy party and I was done.  Although leaving for good was the hardest thing I have ever done, I will never again look back.

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Note from Tina: There are many faces to this battle and I am currently featuring a total of six different people who are all affected by narcissism. Some are divorcing a narcissist, some share custody with a narcissist, one is a man who is affected by his ex-wife’s personality disorder and one is an amazing young woman who is away at college but still feeling the effects of her father’s narcissism. While we are all different, we share the same story—the same trials and tribulations.  There are many faces to this battle and I am happy to share them with you. -Tina

“Emily’s Story” ~ Blog 1

“It’s all about Craig” : 

My (soon to be ex) husband is a manipulator and a liar who thrives on playing the “victim.” His hobbies/addictions include drinking, smoking (both cigarettes and marijuana), working out, gambling, playing online video games and last, but certainly not least, sex. Craig believes that his selfish pursuits are as vital to him as oxygen and he becomes extremely angry and violent when his ability to engage in them becomes threatened in any way.

Just as I have read in others’ stories, I was not attracted to Craig at first. I found him annoying and desperate. He was persistent and head-over-heels in love with me and I eventually decided that I was being shallow and gave him a chance. For the sake of my 2 beautiful girls, I am glad I did. Craig was more than charming in the beginning and I thought he was the kindest, funniest, most generous person I had ever met. Our relationship was on the fast track and I became pregnant with my first daughter only 6 months after we met. Craig was thrilled then promptly volunteered for a deployment to Iraq, telling me that this was mandatory.

I had a difficult pregnancy but had the support of my family and I continued as a full-time college student. Craig created online profiles for himself while deployed and flirted with everyone and anyone who would speak to him. He returned home on the day after our daughter’s birth and began spending as much time away from home as possible. I thought this was because of his readjustment post-deployment. I thought he needed some time to adapt to fatherhood. I thought he was immature.

There were many times when I believed his claims that I was the problem, not him. I thought he truly cared and wanted the family that he never had. I was sadly mistaken. The rollercoaster ride I embarked upon over the next 8 years included Craig walking out on our family three times, being discharged from the military for smoking marijuana before a scheduled physical and many fights which ended with him either leaving the house to drink/gamble/etc. or strangling me and screaming obscenities at me, sometimes in front of one or both of my children.

Over the years I have certainly questioned my sanity. Craig truly believes that he is a wonderful person and the unfortunate victim of others. When trying to explain my situation, I almost can’t even begin to describe the train wreck that was my marriage. How do you describe what it’s like to live with a man who puts himself before his children? Fortunately, I can tell you how the story ends. I left Craig on January 1, 2012 with my then newborn and 7-year-old daughters. I refuse to let my daughters grow up being exposed to a lying, manipulative, abusive husband and father on a daily basis. I know the hell that lies ahead and I have already experienced a great deal of it but my daughters will not become his victims.  ###

Bio: First and foremost, I am a mother to my two beautiful girls.  I come from a large Catholic family of 6 children which includes my 3 sisters and 2 brothers.  My parents have a stable, loving marriage and my family is very close and supportive.  I make a point of saying this because I believe that anyone can end up in an abusive relationship.  I grew up believing in the goodness of others and had never really experienced any major disappointments in life, until I met Craig.  I am currently in the beginning stages of divorcing Craig, but I have been here before.  Craig has left us a total of 3 times and I have allowed him to “suck me back in” with his empty claims of remorse and short-lived promises of change.  He is (was) very good at making me question myself.  After Craig’s lies and violence toward me continued throughout my pregnancy with our second daughter, I knew that our marriage consisted of only one healthy party and I was done.  Although leaving for good was the hardest thing I have ever done, I will never again look back.

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.