Note from Tina: There are many faces to this battle and I am currently featuring a total of six different people who are all affected by narcissism. Some are divorcing a narcissist, some share custody with a narcissist, one is a man who is affected by his ex-wife’s personality disorder and one is an amazing young woman who is away at college but still feeling the effects of her father’s narcissism. While we are all different, we share the same story—the same trials and tribulations.  There are many faces to this battle and I am happy to share them with you. -Tina

“An Uphill Battle” ~ Blog 4

It had become clearer than ever before that drastic changes were needed in our family relationships. We met with our therapist within days of the incident with my father.  Our therapist agreed that the relationship with my parents had elevated to a level that was toxic to all involved.

My parents had not changed their pattern from my childhood; they were still abusers. In counseling, our therapist had described the dynamic of the family in which I had been raised.  My mother was presumed borderline by her behavior patterns.  She fits the description of a classic cluster B personality, which includes narcissism as a personality disorder. My childhood was measured in stretches between her meltdowns. These meltdowns included regular fits of rage, physical abuse and psychological torment. They became more frequent as I got older. My father, a recovering alcoholic, never dealt with his rage or codependence issues even though he quit drinking. In that regard, the addict behavior was underlying but very present in our home. The “drug” simply changed from alcohol to a variety of other obsessions, which ranged between compulsive religiosity and the actions of a rage-holic. I could not have my children exposed to this much dysfunction as the cycle kept spinning without change.

We decided to keep firm boundaries, which included no contact. Our therapist agreed that the safest and best way to accomplish this was to stick to our determined boundaries. If we reinforced their crossing the boundary with their desired consequence, which was contact with us and ultimately control over me, they would have no reason to respect any other boundaries.

Leading up to and following the incident with my father, I had been experiencing panic attacks after explosive encounters with my father. They were also triggered by the verbal abuse of my husband. I began to see a therapist myself. The therapist determined that I was experiencing symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. With the panic attacks came a flood of repressed memories from my childhood. For the first time, I began to process the abuse of my early years.  I also came to terms with the abuse in my marriage.

My ex-husband used many of the same tactics as my parents. He would abuse, blame, lie and intimidate. I would not realize until our custody trial how deep the deception ran during the time in our marriage when we set up these firm boundaries with my parents. During that time, all I had to go on was the constant, nagging sensation of feeling unsettled and aware that something was “not right”. As I learned more about the personality disorder my mother seemed to embody, I realized that I had married a man very much like her. Foolishly, I believed that if he got the right help, or the right amount of religious interaction, he could progress into a healthy person. I was very, very wrong. Personality disorders are just as their name describes; ingrained in the core of a person and out of typical (healthy) order.

Despite my unsettled feelings, I pressed on with the goal of fixing my very broken marriage. I met with the therapist every week, even after our marriage counseling sessions ended. I read books and articles about PTSD and narcissism, and worked through many of my childhood traumas. I stood strong in the boundaries I had set up, and eventually my silence delivered the message. This was not met without challenge; I received threatening letters from my father. He parked outside my house, one time for several hours. I had a friend (who happened to be a deputy sheriff) kindly ask him to leave the vicinity of my property and in time the attempts to contact me stopped.

As I grew, learned and developed better relationship health, my ex became the antithesis of my efforts. He thrived on dysfunction, and where he found it lacking he created it. His lying was pathological, as it served no purpose. He simply needed to control the information I believed. I pressed on anyway. I took up running and graduated college. I started grad school soon after. I found success and peace without my parents in my life. I learned so much about myself. I learned about my relationship. Instead of getting sucked into the dysfunction, I simply led my life around it. I got stronger. I began to prepare myself for the possibility that my marriage was nearing its end.

Bio: “Uphill Battle” is an autism therapist and freelance writer with a background in special education from Southern California. She has ridden the family court roller coaster for more than two years after ending her troubled marriage of 10 years. Her harrowing experiences in the system have awakened her inner crusader. She is a loving mother to two amazing children and one wonderful step-son. Raising her children is her utmost priority, and she has taken on an incredible uphill battle in order to preserve her right to do so. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, cooking, volunteering, and writing.

To see the rest of the posts from “An Uphill Battle,” click here. ###

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to de-code the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Note from Tina: There are many faces to this battle and I am currently featuring a total of six different people who are all affected by narcissism. Some are divorcing a narcissist, some share custody with a narcissist, one is a man who is affected by his ex-wife’s personality disorder and one is an amazing young woman who is away at college but still feeling the effects of her father’s narcissism. While we are all different, we share the same story—the same trials and tribulations.  There are many faces to this battle and I am happy to share them with you. -Tina

“An Uphill Battle” ~ Blog 3

I struggled under the dual weight of emotional hostility from my mother and then-husband, who had by then become allies in their abuse efforts. Prior to that time, my mother had completely rejected my (then) husband. She would not even refer to him as my (then) husband when introducing him to strangers. Now that he had proved his willingness to put me down, they were bosom friends. I became the butt of their cruel jokes and the target for their constant criticism. My mother’s favorite tactic was to call me horrible names or make personal attacks about my looks or activities, and then praise my husband for “putting up with me.” If I expressed any discontent with their treatment, I was immediately subjected to a pack of wolves (my mother, father, husband, and occasionally my sister) telling me to “lighten up” and “quit causing problems.”

Work became a favorite target for attack. I was constantly put down for having goals and taking steps toward achieving them. I made the decision to quit my job under the duress of all the pressure and regular bashing. However, I did so under the condition that I would enroll in school full time and attend nights in order to finish my undergraduate degree and start my teaching credential. I would be finished by the time our youngest started school. This plan seemed to please my (then) husband, but my mother would never be happy. I wasn’t concerned with her happiness with my plans. I just needed to get out of the dynamic that we were in at the time.

It was very difficult to give up my job. I felt like I was leaving my safe place. I confided in a few girlfriends about the transition and the reasons behind it. Their feedback assured me that what I was experiencing was not normal or healthy.

I felt like I was always looking for the guide post to “normal” treatment. I was beginning to realize that I didn’t know how to find it myself. I became absorbed with kids activities, preschool, and my studies. My days were spent adoring my sweet kids (and sometimes weathering out temper tantrums) and my evenings were spent attending class or studying. As it turned out, I was as successful attending school as I was helping to teach it. I was happy with my life outside of my marriage.

The happiness did not have a chance to last too long. Graduation was approaching quickly, and finances were becoming a real problem. My ex’s spending was out of control. He was making purchases, lying about them, and then blaming me for his lying once he was cornered with evidence. If he was home, we were fighting. I started to dread him being home, no matter how badly I needed a break. He routinely ignored our children unless I prompted his involvement. Although he would engage with them, I was punished later for it. Soon, he had no patience at all with our small children. Their needs frustrated him and sent him into a torrent of rage about my failures as a wife, mother, house keeper, or person in general.

I soon discovered that my ex had another addiction that was resurfacing. He was addicted to pornography. On several occasions I caught him looking at it with our children in the same room. On every occasion, he would lie about it. Although I was aware that almost every man looks at porn from time to time, I was not ok with it being used around my kids. I was not ok with being lied to about it. I was not ok with being compared to those women or their activities. After looking at porn, my ex would put me down for being prudish, boring, and failing to satisfy his needs. We stopped being intimate altogether. I could not stand being lied to or compared to porn. He offered no affection. It was not long until we separated altogether. He moved in with a friend of ours, and I stayed home with our kids.

My college graduation was only a few months away. My thesis was almost completed, and my kids were my number one priority. I helped in each of their classes each week and spent a great deal of time in the doctor’s office with our son, who had severe asthma. As I juggled all of these responsibilities, my ex turned on the charm. He wanted to move back home and started volunteering to help out. He took an interest in our kids. He expressed remorse for his behaviors. He showered me with compliments and the words of affirmation that I had been deprived for so long. He even agreed that my parents were not treating me well. In fact, the situation with them had escalated to a point of intolerable cruelty.

My (then) husband and I agreed to enter marriage counseling and work toward moving him back home. The therapist, a highly respected LMFT in our community, was appalled at the dynamic between my parents and (then) husband. He strongly recommended that we implement boundaries with my parents. One of these boundaries was that they were not permitted to put me down, especially in front of our children. I committed myself to following through with these boundaries. If my parents could not treat me with respect, they would not be invited to spend time with me.

My son’s fourth birthday party was the forum they chose to walk all over the boundaries I set up. My parents showed up to the party uninvited. (I found out years later, at the custody trial, that my ex had actually invited them without telling me.) My ex and I were still separated, working on getting back together, although at that time we were not getting along at all. Our friends arrived to our neighborhood park with their children and birthday presents in tow clueless as to what was about to unfold. I was busy supervising our children, greeting guests, and serving pizza when I saw them approaching. The sight of my parents walking toward our party sent me into an indescribable panic. Our marital problems were already enough for our kids to handle, I could not fathom a birthday party being disrupted by my parents’ antics. I continued with my business, hoping and paying the party would continue smoothly. Fortunately, my children were unaware of the underlying chaos that day. In fact, until the party was over, I was also unaware of the chaos that was going on. My parents spent the entire party interviewing my friends, investigating my “behavior.” They had also left without explanation. Several of my friends approached later and informed me that my parents had asked them about my drinking.

To be very clear, I did not have a drinking problem. I occasionally enjoyed a low carb, low calorie beer or two. My parents believe ANY form of alcohol is a sin and sure sign of impending destruction. I found out years later that my ex had informed them that I was binge drinking and he was at a loss for what to do about it. I believed we were working on our marriage, and he was setting up the stage for the custody battle. At that time, I was clueless as to where they got their inclinations that I was “binge drinking.”

The night after the party my father came to my home uninvited. My ex was there, having dinner with us. I told him I did not want my father to come in, and asked him to ask my father to leave. Instead, my father came into the home and started raging at me right away. He screamed at me, opening my fridge and pulling out a bottle of Michelob Ultra. I was frozen in that instant in my 12 year old self, frightened of the fists I knew would follow the screaming. I ran upstairs, where my children were playing. My father followed me. Not wanting him to scare the kids, I ran into my bedroom hoping he would leave. I asked him to leave, voice shaking. He opened my door and bull dozed into my room, still screaming. His face was red, his eyes were enraged, and the vein in his forehead was protruding. I was terrified. To this day, I remember parts of that experience in slow motion. I heard him say “I will kill you Goddammit.” I remember wondering where my husband had gone and why he wasn’t stopping this. He was a police officer. In fact, they both were. I caught a glimpse of him calmly getting the kids into the bath, as though nothing out of the ordinary were happening. Terrified, I summoned my sense and told my father to leave immediately. Thankfully, he stared me down and left without another word. I erupted into tears and called our therapist as soon as I could speak.

Bio: “Uphill Battle” is an autism therapist and freelance writer with a background in special education from Southern California. She has ridden the family court roller coaster for more than two years after ending her troubled marriage of 10 years. Her harrowing experiences in the system have awakened her inner crusader. She is a loving mother to two amazing children and one wonderful step-son. Raising her children is her utmost priority, and she has taken on an incredible uphill battle in order to preserve her right to do so. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, cooking, volunteering, and writing.

To see the rest of the posts from “An Uphill Battle,” click here. ###

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to de-code the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Note from Tina: There are many faces to this battle and I am currently featuring a total of six different people who are all affected by narcissism. Some are divorcing a narcissist, some share custody with a narcissist, one is a man who is affected by his ex-wife’s personality disorder and one is an amazing young woman who is away at college but still feeling the effects of her father’s narcissism. While we are all different, we share the same story—the same trials and tribulations.  There are many faces to this battle and I am happy to share them with you. -Tina

“An Uphill Battle” ~ Blog 1: Intro and Bio

Intro: My story begins in childhood, where we all develop an ideal for our future spouse. Whether or not we have healthy role models, we often pair ourselves in adulthood with a picture of what was modeled for us in our homes as children. Unfortunately, I did not have healthy role models from which to form my grown-up ideals. My parents were extremely unhealthy, each in their own way. My mother is the archetypical narcissist (at least one therapist has suggested that she has borderline personality disorder) and my father was an alcoholic who became a rage-aholic when he got sober. My childhood home was a disastrous and toxic environment for childrearing, and I was pretty much on my own from early childhood in the emotional intelligence department. My saving graces were my neighbors, the Godwells, my grandmother, and a few friends and spiritual leaders who became the rocks I needed at various times during my life.

Consistent with narcissism and other cluster B personality disorders is the need for constant drama from which the N personality derives attention. For my mother, this was manifested in her constant need to be at war with someone. For years it was her sister, then various friends, my father, several coworkers, and eventually, her children. She was in constant need of worship, consolation, pity, or some other form of manipulated obligation from those close to her. For everyone else, appearances were everything. On the surface, she worked diligently to keep up with the façade that we were the “perfect family”. At home, she flew into regular fits of rage which cycled into stoic depression. Her emotional pendulum swung between spitting rage and icy indifference with few stops in between. Everyone was always “out to get her.”.

For my father, the cluster B’s were manifested through his enabling of my mother’s unhealthy bouts of behavior. While I do not believe he actually suffers from one of these disorders, he was extremely afraid of my mother’s reactions and reinforced her maladaptive traits as a result. He would rage at us kids if he felt the threat of one of her tantrums looming. He became intolerant of noncompliance and the voicing of opinions that did not cater to my mother’s disorder. He buried himself in work and checked out when it became evident that an avalanche of torrent was coming and showed up in the aftermath to make sure we didn’t rock the boat any further. He too took on the role of authoritarian abuser in support of my mother, but at the same time cowered to her alpha personality.

I have never been one to take abuse lying down. In standing up for myself, I created an enormous target right on my forehead. As a teenager, I didn’t have the right tools to speak up in the right ways. I never went to the authorities, because my father was a police officer. I lived in fear of the consequences of embarrassing the family or costing my father his job. Instead, I tried reasoning with the madness. It would be decades before I learned that I could not make sane out of crazy. In my hurt and frustration, I ran away for a period of 3 weeks. During this time I stayed with a boyfriend’s family. At my grandmother’s urging (she was terminally ill with cancer), I went home for about a month, until the abuse resumed. I left again for 2 more weeks or so. This time when I returned, my parents put me on a plane bound for boarding school.

I spent the last 2 and a half years of my childhood at a Fundamental Baptist boarding school in Missouri. This experience was one that took years to unravel. Abandonment, culture shock, and flaws in the program were a few of the forerunning issues that settled into my heart and head for many years after the experience. Over time I have been able to heal from it and take some good things from my years there, but this was after many years of unraveling through therapy, self-learning, education, and drawing healthy boundaries. Unfortunately, I met the “N” only 2 months after returning home from boarding school when I was still adapting to life outside the ministry school. There, we had been taught that marriage and family were the key ways to independence. Desperate to escape my abusive home, and enraptured by the charms of the N, I was easily drawn in to his promises of devotion and love and support.

As a young 18 year old girl with limited life experience and few options, I found a job and began planning my wedding. I ignored all the red flags and pursued my vision of a happy family. I believed I could make it work and that honest effort would be rewarded with success. I ignored the early criticism I received from him, and I ignored him siding with my parents to gain their approval. His own home life was a disaster at the time, and he admitted being drawn to the picturesque model family they provided. I ignored his punitive cold shoulder when he felt he wasn’t getting enough attention. I ignored too much. I had no idea what was in store for the next 10 years of riding the narcissist roller coaster…

Bio: “Uphill Battle” is an autism therapist and freelance writer with a background in special education from Southern California. She has ridden the family court roller coaster for more than two years after ending her troubled marriage of 10 years. Her harrowing experiences in the system have awakened her inner crusader. She is a loving mother to two amazing children and one wonderful step-son. Raising her children is her utmost priority, and she has taken on an incredible uphill battle in order to preserve her right to do so. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, cooking, volunteering, and writing. ###

To see the rest of the posts from “An Uphill Battle,” click here.

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter

Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to de-code the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.