AUTHOR BIO:
Tina Swithin survived a Category Five Divorce Hurricane and has taken shelter in her new book titled, “Divorcing a Narcissist” and in her internationally recognized blog, “One Mom’s Battle.” Tina has spent the past 4 years acting as her own attorney in a hellish custody battle while maintaining her role as full-time mother to her two young daughters. Tina has chosen to assume the title of survivor instead of victim while successfully whipping up a large batch of lemonade with the lemons that landed at her feet.
Tina has become an advocate for change in the Family Court System after seeing the flaws in the system first-hand. Tina believes that the courts have lost sight of their primary focus which should be the best interest of the child and instead, they are focusing too heavily on mothers’ rights or fathers’ rights. Tina is working to raise awareness of the issues in the Family Court System and to educate the general public on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. High conflict divorces are on the rise and the children are suffering unnecessarily due to the lack of education on the front lines—and behind the judicial bench.
In addition to her title as an Author, Tina also works as a Marketing Coordinator and has earned multiple awards such as the “Top 20 Under 40 Award” and the “Top 40 Under 40 Award” through her local newspaper outlets. Tina has appeared on shows such as “Dr. Carole’s Couch” with world-renown psychologist, Dr. Carole Lieberman and on Candace Smyth’s Northstar Series. Tina’s book and blog have been featured in outlets such as the Examiner, About.com, Yahoo, Huffington Post and the Washington Times. In her spare time, Tina writes for the Huffington Post Divorce and HopeAfterDivorce.org where she delves into the tricky world of divorcing a narcissist.
CONTACT TINA:
- Fan me at the Huffington Post: Tina Swithin
- Follow me on Twitter: One Mom’s Battle
“Like me” on Facebook: One Mom’s Battle
Tina Swithin: PO Box 123, San Luis Obispo, California 93406 or Tina@onemomsbattle.com
I have read through random parts of your blog. All I can say is…wow. What a journey you have been on. I have known Narcissists just like you describe. They are so convincing and charming and manipulative….I’m glad for your sake that you are away from that.
Peace to you
Tina-I just discovered your blog. Thank you for sharing your amazing story. I haven’t read the entire thing yet but I am slowly going through the backstory to present. I almost began crying when I read the latest court story, so, so relieved that his overnight visitation was taken away and you were awarded physical and legal custody.
I also have a blog about a very similar story, although I believe my ex to be a sociopath/psychopath and we split up in July of 2009 because of drug abuse and infidelity (although things were terrible before that). I was eight months pregnant. He now has supervised visitation and is fighting for more time.
I would love to email you, but I understand privacy issues. I will leave you my email in case you want to contact me. My email is abugenig@hotmail.com. I recently changed my url because my ex found my blog as well.
Here is my new link: http://littlestronger.blogspot.com/
I also live in California.
Thank you so much for your message– it is a rough road, isn’t it? I look forward to reading about your journey also.
My email address is tina@thePRdiva.com and I look forward to hearing from you. Huge hugs to you! -Tina
My ex is also NPD and has been more successful in court than one would think! I read your story adn there are so many similarities–esp. that is got much worse oncei got pregnant, and how he goes around town trying to discredit me.
Unexplainable behavior til I learned this was NPD behavior. The only thing that works is limit setting. The horrible things my children have been through!
I found your blog on Bloggy Moms. I’ve read a few posts, and really empathize. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I didn’t have such a huge battle with my ex, thankfully; but of course every situation has its own downside. I blog to encourage moms in their faith. I hope you find something uplifting there for your journey. I’ll be checking back. I think it’s a wonderful idea to recount your journey, and very strengthening for others in the same situation.
Blessings,
Lisa
Hi Lisa
Your blog is so inspiring…! Thank you so much for sharing your personal journey with the rest of the world… At the moment, I am going through something very similar. I have three children and their dad has just told me that he is taking me to court for ‘everything’ (residency of the children primarily). I have one son who is only 7 and comes home from visits with his dad suicidal. I am at my wits end. He twists and distorts everything. I feel so tired and drained and teary. My counselor has said that my ‘x’ is so clever at manipulating everything, and you wonder sometimes if the truth will ever prevail!!! But I’ve been encouraged by your determination and your persistence. Did you represent yourself completely?
Den
Thank you! Hang in there- it is overwhelming. I am a strong believer in good winning over evil and eventually…the truth will prevail. There are ups and downs and the unknown is the worst. Are you in California?
Yes- I did represent myself the entire time. Good luck and big hugs coming your way!
Hi Lisa…
I am actually in Australia, and am in the process of trying to get some legal representation. I just think you are amazing; not only to deal with your ‘x’ but to also represent yourself in a court situation… I’ve been through 5 mediation meetings (just the way we do things here in Australia) with my ‘x’, and every time I come out of one of those meetings, I feel as though my brain has been twisted and turned up-side-down and in-side-out with glowing stories, outright lies and distortion of events and accusations from his side. What I hear from him is in such contrast to what I see in reality!!! How did you stay so strong???
Hi Deny,
I hear you on that ridiculous mediation. I had my ex (who is American & lives in the US) apply to go to mediation here in WA, AU (a total surprise to me) because my kids no longer wish to travel for visitation losing their summer holiday in the states every year (have been since 2007).
The 1st telephone mediation, he basically did what you described- got to run a smear campaign that would make the dirtiest politician proud! For two hours, he made up & insinuated all sorts of things that never happened or wasn’t true. I found that I wasted my time defending myself against the attacks…instead of trying to figure out a solution for the kids. I agreed to the 2nd meet only because I wanted to see what would happen the second time. I actually wrote a letter & posted it to the mediation service saying his ranting & anger frightened me- & we’ve been apart & divorced now for over 5 years! I complained that their mediators shouldn’t allow one party to ambush the other.
At the end of the 2nd telephone meet, I ended it- no more. I said I wasn’t going to keep showing up to have two hours of my life taken from me by a guy who appears deranged. It was going no where. I was given my certificate to go to court.
Can’t you do this, too??
Wow! I just came across your blog today. I am dealing with divorcing a narcissitc husband and in the midst of a very bitter and high conflict divorce. He refuses to take any blame himself, and is using our children as pawns. He’s accused me of some pretty horrible things, and finds ways to twist things back around on me which hopefully the custody evalutor can see right through! I haven’t made it through your entire blog, what I am reading so far I could have easily written myself…funny how similar these narcissits are. Looking forward to reading more of your blog and getting some more insight..
Alix- thank you so much for stopping by and reading my blog. Sometimes it is nice not to feel alone! Best of luck to you in your own battle– Tina
I nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger award. http://paularenee.wordpress.com/2012/03/30/i-won-very-inspiring-blogger-award/
I am so happy for you and completely honored that you nominated me!!!! Thank you!!! -Tina
Thanks for your open and honest sharing of your story. It helps many of us when we realize we are not the only one and it also helps us learn not to blame ourselves, which is something narcissists have a real gift for doing to us. I wonder if anyone every diagnosed Josh Powell. Would his children be here today if the courts had looked at him with a clear eye?
Unfortunately, the courts DID diagnose Josh Powell but he was still given visitation with his young children. The courts failed the Powell boys and they fail so many children every day. Something needs to change.
Wow, I feel as if I have just read my own experience. Mercifully my children are adults but my X has managed to seem so reasonable that my younger son has all but cut off contact with me. I have a chronic incurable and progressive blood cancer which I also deal with on treatment days only
My X is taking through the family court for an 80:20 (in his favour) financial settlement, of not very much, after a 32 year marriage. Only recently have I realised that he probably a narcissist and most definitely a pathological liar. His is also brilliant and incredibly plausible. I can not believe that I let this happen to me. I am 56 with an excellent education but no career having followed the X around to support his career. Well done for getting out early!
Tina, you came into my life at just the right moment. Thank You. So far away in another continent but I am walking in the same shoes. Thank you so so much for being the voice that some of us are forbidden by the laws of our country to express!!!
Tina,
This is wonderful to help others realize they are not alone. I wish I would have had something like this years ago when all of the craziness started. And narcissitic describes my ex to a “T”. I do however find the positive in life’s journey. I am a much better, stronger, happier person now. I’ve been wanting ot do something to bring light to this horrible situation i went through. To at least bring light to it and help others if possible. I don’t wish my custody battle on anyone. Kudos for what you do! Shelley
Have you ever considered the possibility that your MS could have come from the stress of your marriage and divorce with a narc? I am going through this and have just discovered that a link between PTSD and autoimmune disorders exists, including RA and odd allergies. I believe my health issues are related to my very troubled marriage with a passive aggressive narc. He is the stealth abuser type.
Love your blog. I regularly cut and paste the inspirational things you say to my desktop to help me through my tough days. Thank you for sharing and being a beacon of light during this difficult time. Keep up the writing too!
Actually, our marital therapist mentioned that he believes there is a connection between autoimmune disorders and extreme levels of stress. He related it to my childhood more than marriage at the time.
I really appreciate what you said about cutting/pasting my words to help you get through the day. I am humbled– thank you
Tina – after one year of this traumatic divorce and custody dispute I developed Rheumatoid Arthritis, also an autoimmune disorder. Truely is a connection between stress and our bodies!!
I was diagnosed with RA only one year after my divorce and the unbelievable amount of stress that came along with it. I no longer feel the adrenaline (sp) rush (for example if someone told me the worst news ever) I don’t get that nervous, stressed feeling. It is gone now, forever gone. Like I am numb!
I have full blown RA 1.5 years after separation. I know it is related!
Hi there,
I came across your website while sitting here crying and missing my daughters, 7 and 4, who are with their dad for visitation for the weekend and trying to make arrangements for court ordered extended Summer visitation arrangements that he somehow managed, eventhough my previous attorney indicated to me it was not possible. I have been at this for few years, but I still have issues with it and I get discouraged at times, but I am never without Hope, Praise the Lord. I found out in 2009 my husband may be NPD, but I think, since attorneys and the family court system have been involved, he has graduated to Narcissitic Sociopath and as you can imagine time apart from my babies is toughest when you feel like no one sees him for who he really is and you worry because of you have legitmate concerns as a mom, for the well-being of your babies. Trying to convince anyone of the legitimacy of your concerns as you well know has been my most difficult challenge, sometimes I don’t feel like I even know what legitimate concerns are anymore. My ex and his attorney are always in “win-at-all-cost” mode and all I want is for my, no wait excuse me, our children to be protected. Because my ex is NS, he know how to make it appear to the court that there is need for them to be protected, at least from him. Maybe the judge thinks they need to be sheltered from my way of thinking because I think he is an emotional unstable, angry and controlling person. I read your letter from your ex. I am tempted to ask the name of your ex, just to make sure your ex is not my ex, eventhough I know they are not the same person, the words are different but the tone is same and the emotion they elicit is the same and the fear is the same. The fear that this person gets to be alone with my children 3 weekends a month and I don’t know if there is anything at this point I can do to change that. Most of my exes work/abuse is psychological and emotional. How does anyone prove that? I talk to friends and relatives who know, but think there is not much I can do,(that is the general consensus) since it comes down to my word against his most of the time and he has the money and the desire and the ability to con just about anyone(most times it seems like I am the only not fooled-hence wondering if I am the one with the problem, eventhough I and a handful of close friends and relative know I am the “normal one”:). I am trying, I do not know how best to fight for my daughters and myself under this system to be honest.
I was called to jury duty for the first time yesterday. As a juror you have to agree the crime had been committed and agree beyond reasonable doubt to who committed the crime-thankfully I did not get picked this time, but it was interesting and got me thinking a little bit, eventhough divorce is not a criminal matter, I think we can agree that there are instances we consider to most certainly be criminal in our circumstances with our children and I think some(if not all) divorces should have jury trials, but I digress, sorry about that. My exes distorted view of reality and my knowledge of it has helped me to be the parent our daughters need me to be for them, but it has not proven to work favorably in the courtroom. I am not sure what I am doing wrong. I had attorneys, the first was unethical and that worked in great favor of my ex, the second “doesn’t fix things” but did not mention that little detail to me until after trial and he had billed me thousands of dollars. I am in pro per, which has been liberating and inexpensive, but not effective in helping to limit my daughter’s exposure to their dad’s disorder and dysfunction. I praise God everyday that they are His and in His care, but I have often felt like I have failed them because there dad keeps taking me back to court. I get intimidated, I do not have time nor do I have the luxury of spending money I need and use to raise my daughters, to learn all the intricate details of our flawed court system. I don’t speak up for them because I am fearful that my concerns are not anyone else’s concerns or my mind wonders if I do not keep my “opinion” to myself perhaps that will result in even more visitation time. If I do not speak up, I feel I have failed at standing in the gap for my daughters even when I feel it may be at the risk of losing on custody issues. My uncertainty about what to do next has me paralyzed at this particular moment, but I am thankful to you for your website. Our exes are so effective with manipulating and maneuvering through the family court system because they and those in positions of authority like them are the very heartbeat of the dysfunction of the system. We as the “normal” parents want it to be different and I am blessed to see you have the courage to do something to change that. Thank you and God bless you, your children and your continued efforts to do what is right.
I need your help. Please contact me.
OMG i sit here crying. crying tears.. i just found this site from facebook. i am also divorcing aperson like this… i dont know where to begin and am afraid id be rambling on and on. after my first attorney died and kept my retainer fee, and then 8 months later my second attorny filed motion to dismiss cause i couldnt pay her bill, I am representing myself. today was day one of negotiations… Ive been to thedepths of hell already.. loosing my job 30 days after filing for divorce, he alienated my kids against me, girl 14 nd son 11. ill keep saying OMG.. he doesnt want the divorce and after mediation in december of 2011, im crawlingto the finish line… in may 2012 i came down with the Shingles in my eyes.. wow…the drs thought it was pink eye. i could have gone blind. he hasnt given me a dime. ive usedmy local charities for rent and gone thru 10G in IRA savings to survve. this month is it… im down to my last 80$. im on food stamps… i have so much evidence of him mistreating the kids. i dont have to go into it. cause i know that you all know exactly the things …. he is pissed cause ive survived without him and that ive regined 25% of my kids respect. they have suffered way to much… i see them two nights a week… ill take it… ive LEARNED SO MUCH ….IM A MUCH STRONGER , INDEPENDENT PERSON.. from all this. ive spent many a days crying day in an out… i tried o be compassionate and empathized with him after moving out in may 2011, that lasted all of about 5 months… having several “ahha” moments, im so lookin out for my kids and i told his attorney today on the conference call the stuff i had on my ex that i would use in court… im afraid and fearless all at the same time… OMG ill say it again… IT IS VERY SAD THAT THE COURT SYSTEM DOESN HAVE A PROGRAM PUT IN PLACE FOR US WOMAN WHO ARE TRYING TO REGAIN OUR LIVES BACK …. CALL AFTER CALL.. im sorry, we canthelp you… im so sick of hearing that… i love my children dearly… it kills me to have to be the bigger person and not get vocal with him as he does with me infront of the kids… i bit my tongue so hard, but i know in the end, that it looks good infront of the kids… I even attempted the 3rd time at marriage counseling in June 2011, which the therapist started siding with him…. i quit… he has continued to go by himself, but what in the hell are they talking about cause he refuses to coparent, listen, and only cares about what im doing and all.. he tells me im the phsycho… really.. its sadin a way.. i have to keep reminding myself.. ITS NOT MY FAULT HE IS LIKE THIS…I DIDNT CAUSE IT…
everything happens for a reason and i belive i was guided to this website to help in those last hundred yards… eiher we settle, or the court date is scheduled for September 10, 2012
tracy
Tracy-
I am so sorry to hear about your story but thankful that you’ve found my blog. There are a great group of women who follow and we all learn from each other- come over to the Facebook page where you will find additional emotional support. It helps to know that you aren’t alone in this battle. ((HUGS)))
feeling very low today.. i just cant do this… im having to go over the settlement offer my husbands attorney gave me on thursday.. its a low blow to me and as im going thru the agreement and making changes, my emotions just get stirred and so many thoughts and feeling go thru.. its an eye opener, but non the less, if i ask for to much and we go to court, i risk getting my kids involved and they have been thru so much, or do I just settle, bow out gracefully and show my ex how i can rebuild my life, i would get nothing out of the divorce… i went to the store yesterday and my debit card said insufficent funds…. settling would be i would have any money in the bank. im rambling i just dont know what to do…
thisis so hard…
Tracy,
I am praying for you. It does not sound like you have an attorney. Do not feel pressured into signing anything until you are certain, especially in regards to what is best for you and your children. I feel your pain, in the beginning the feeling of being battered was so overwhelming for me. Find trusted friends to vent and let it out. I find that when I get anything from my ex-husbands attorney, my initial reaction is not always best, so I read, pray, read it again, if my emotions are not settled, I take more time go to church(Christian) and pray then go back to it when my negative emotions are not as overwhelming and in control and try to make sense out of it, not taking anything personally and trying to approach my responses as business-like and as rational and level-headed as possible. At times,I still have to work at it, but as you know this process will help to build those muscles, I know it is hard and can be draining, hang in their, you are the only advocate you and your children and your worth it, (apart from Tina’s blog of course). Find as much trusted support as you can, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30). God bless you and yours. Much love.
ive been thru two attorney… i know i dont have to sign anything. im down to my last $80.. i need to be done so i can live, survive, i have rent coming up and no$ for it..
ive utilized all the charitable resources in the county and all my freinds nd family.
i just done kno what to do..
he logged on my facebook site and saw my NEW likes…
and i got yelled at infront of the kids when i went to pick them up…
One thing about Narcissists, they know how to kick you when your down. That must have been so scary for the kids and for you, I am so sorry. The only way I can get through times like that is to draw near to God and His promises-that I believe in. I pray that for you and your children and His protection as well. I am not preaching, but with little support, that is all I have at times, that and the wisdom of many who are going through the same thing. I had to pawn my jewelry once and I did not have nice jewelry, but it was something. I am not encouraging you not to sign, I do not know what you agreement is for, only you can decide that, but you certainly do not want to sell you soul, or your children’s to the devil, if you know what I mean. You will do the right thing, believe that and it will be!!
Dear Tracy,
I signed up to Tina”s website a few months ago and I have been where you are so many times.. I am i Ireland, where the law does not permit us to discuss or publish or the media our family law cases and issues. We are gagged and bound, and I see too a woman from Australia has commented. This seems to be a global issue. You are not alone honey. Sometimes you need to step right back and find some place of peace within yourself with the knowledge that you are doing your best but there is so much you have no control over. The only thing you can control is your own response. Your ex is feeding from you like a vampire. It is because he has a total inability to process his own vileness himself so you personify to him all that he cannot stand in himself. It is NOT personal, it is an illness. I know this does not assist you i practical terms but from experience I can tell you that if you can shift your mind out of fear into acceptance (but not tolerance) of where you are in your life and know you are not alone, and do not doubt yourself (but questioning yourself is good , because that is what makes us different from them). This too will pass. You need to live in the present moment and have faith. Do not allow him to PUSH you over the edge mentally! They want to push us to a place where they can point the finger and with a maniacal smile say see… she is mad = I AM NORMAL…. do not allow this to happen. You are a warrior honey there are many of us. The battle is long and hard it is a marathon not a a print. Let go attachment to outcomes do not try to understand him or his motivations. Do not allow him use your mind or your fears as a weapon against you. Tina was right when she said have faith. They cannot take that from us.
“When you have come to the edge of all the light you have
And step into the darkness of the unknown
Believe that one of the two will happen to you
Either you’ll find something solid to stand on
Or you’ll be taught how to fly!”
— Richard Bach
I do not know what advice to give you regarding your decision to give in or keep fighting. I would just say. Think of the consequences of both and make whatever decision you can cope most with. Financially crippled however, they will not stop and they will then move on to taking the children. So be careful. Think of the worse case scenarios of both choices and do whichever you can bets cope with….. a big love and lots of love… xxxxx
Hi Tina,
I commend you on your efforts!I too am a single mom and have had similar experiences with my Ex husband. The stages of separation and divorce are now almost a decade past. The constant threats and conflicts that continued during a ten year span have now ended and I finally have relief.
The battle that you and your children are in will never be resolved this is not realistic when dealing with a disturbed personality.
Crisis management and prevention is to be expected until either the courts set firm boundaries that have legal consequences or until your children are of an age to make their own choices. This is what finally brought about the relief that I am now experiencing.
My advice is to involve supportive friends and family members that will provide their assistance and strength for many years to come with an understanding that there is no end in sight.
This is the reality of having a narcissist in one’s life. For yourself and your children , involving others that are witness and have actual personal experience with your Ex. will allow that others take on a level of burden when you require some relief. Endurance and courage is what you and others will begin to fully appreciate as being necessary qualities when dealing with any individual with a disturbed narcissistic personality disorder!
Hi there, Just wondering, did you ever find that a symptom of narcissism is forgetfulness and disorganization? My husband is extremely forgetful, and can never make it anywhere on time. I feel that if he ever had visitation (after our separation), I would worry constantly that he would leave one of the kids somwhere, or leave a gate or door open and put them in harms way.
Yes! He told me one night after our son was born that his biggest fear was that he would forget him in the car. He could never find his wallet, keys, important papers, bills and now he missed his daughter’s birthday this year by a full monht.
My jaw is hanging open right now, I started a blog a few years ago (only got two posts into it) called Divorcing a Narcissist, and reading yours is like reliving my life journey for the past fourteen years. It is exhausting and was an incredible eye opening experience for me. I’m happily moving on with my life, living the, “Living well is the best revenge” strategy and trying to have as little contact with him as possible. Best of luck to you, I’ll be checking back occasionally to see how you are. Realizing that their brains work differently was the most freeing for me, it didn’t excuse his behavior, but I was certainly better able to understand how someone that once loved me so much could inflict such intentional pain. xoxoxo
I just read your story about court date and your children not being where your ex said they were. I have to deal with this every other weekend. He is a true narcissist and lies about everything. What is the GPS system that you used? I have full physical custoday, but I want to obtain full legal custoday as well. My ex has completely flaked out, losing his job, going to jail and now has some girl that he has only known for 4 weeks living with him and my kids are seeing them in bed together. HELP!!!
I use Kajeet — it is about 27.00 per month and it has unlimited GPS tracking.
Kajeet is the best! And moms who worry about the ex-N having your phone number? Get Google voice, forward it to your home or cell phone. You can turn off forwarding, make his calls go to voicemail automatically. It is wonderful. I wish I still had my dd”‘s kajeet. Alas I cannot afford it.
Thank you so much. I just signed up for google voice!
I have a serious question. My Ex N has got himself in some real trouble with DUIs and now apparently can’t leave the county he lives in which by the way is 4 hours away from where the kids and I live. He is now telling me that his girlfriend of three weeks is going to be picking up the kids tomorrow night and driving them 4 hours back to his house for him. The kids have only been around her 4 times. I have never met her and only know her nickname. I know nothing about her other than she has fallen for his charm. I just would like some opinions because my instincts tell me no way, but the PC thinks this is an okay arrangement! It is very frustrating.
That scares me that your PC thinks this is okay. I will post this on the Facebook page for additional input. I would personally say, “NO”.
I can understand your concern especially if the NX has drinking and driving issues. She(girlfriend/current victim) has to be aware of that issue unless he has conned her into believing differently. Is there any way to verify her legal driving status (does she have DUIs?, driver’s license, etc?) or perhaps the PC can do that for you if he/she is in agreement to your children being chauffeured by a complete stranger? Do you have the option of switching weekends with him. Perhaps you can tell you NX if he can switch this weekend visit with another that is your weekend while you and the PC try to sort out “safe”(ie the person they are travelling with is licensed and legal) travelling arrangements for the children. How frustrating. Praying for you and the children.
The problem is that the PC thinks she is an acceptable responsible driver. She lied to him and told him she had no record. Only two days later I find in public records that she was charged with having an alcoholic beverage underage and a warrant out for her arrest, but I have to send my kids with her court ordered. My attorney is fighting it in the mean time my kids have to go with her or I go to jail. I even offered to drive but the PC said no. My attorney is fighting this but we can’t get back in front of judge until February. She took my kids last week and then was so distracted from video taping me with her cell phone that she had to lock up the brakes in order to stop at a red light. She also was driving so fast and then texting me. I had to call 911. I am completely at the mercy of the court and this PC who by the way has charged $4,200 in less than 2 months and he has got nothing improved for the children.
Tina-I am sorry-I do not know where to put my comments since I do not log in to facebook. I wanted to try the narc decoder, I am not sure if I am getting it yet, but I wanted to have a go at it, I am not sure if I passed, I might of failed simply because of the length, but I think some of it is spot on accurate;
“You should be ashamed of yourself for continuing to use our daughters as a way to manipulate me and evoke reactions you can use in your blog in our divorce. You need to stop and do what is in the best interest of the children not your career as a blogger”
Anyone want to take a swing at it with the Narc De-Coder?
My attempt at narc-decoding
-at least you have kept that “little“ secret sacred) Anyway Tina, sorry went off topic for a minute, oh wait did I just apologize-oh know sorry about that I do not apologize for anything because I do not make mistakes-I am perfect, the perfect man, perfect father, perfect son-perfect!!!. Back to my email-The way I figure it the girls attorney is gullible I have three chances, either 1) he is too stupid to figure out that I am projecting and trying to manipulate him and distract him from the truth about me and things will start to turn in my favor; 2) their attorney desperately needs the money that he is paid for each interaction we have and things start going my way because he knows you will not give up your fight for doing what is best for the children and he knows and I know you are the only one between you and I truly concerned about our daughters and I am just referring to them in this email as if I truly care about them when the fact of the matter is I will wear that mask as long as it takes to keep my sorry butt out of jail!!!!!! Tina, you and I both know that deep down I am ashamed that in my present delusional, dysfunctional psychotic state that I am not in the best interest of the children in any way shape or form, but that is neither here nor there. Lastly, chance number 3), the girls attorney is ethical, moral and knows the flaws of the system and is just as tired of them as you are which will not work out so well for me, but since I am so obsessed with you and your blog and my aunt knows some people who know how to do the exact opposite of the justice that you and many others are trying to generate, educate and bring attention to, I have learned enough about the court system to believe that my chances for option 1 and 2 are pretty high.
“Tina,
I am sending you this email as a veiled but obvious attempt to manipulate our daughters attorney. Come on Tina you know I do not care about you or the children, I am going to do whatever it takes to win in court because I know you totally have me on the contempt of court charges and if I can some how manipulate the girl’s attorney and the court and others into believing I am the victim, even though we both know I am a pathologically dishonest, delusional alcoholic (coming by it honestly-Thanks mom and dad!) who endangers the lives of our daughters every other visit-and yes even though I am an adult, I am going to blame you entirely for all of my choices, except for the good ones-I am claiming those-I am claiming the ones you make too. Yes Tina you and I both know that if you could control everything I did we might still be together because you would have controlled me into complete sobriety and seeking help for my mental illness and severely dysfunctional behavior, so that my behavior, current and past, future and beyond would not be so detrimental to our family, but especially to our daughters. And yes my butt is grass because of contempt of court for failing to pay to you support for our children forcing you to have a career doing whatever you can to make up for my pathetic shortcomings as a man and father, but I am throwing that last sentence in to con the girls attorney because I am finally figuring out how sociopaths such as myself have the family court system wrapped around our little fingers(little hands, little feet, little…
Standing ovation.
Thank you, I do not know whether to laugh or to cry
You are doing good and doing good gets attacked these days. Sometimes those in opposition to good manage to distract from the wrong they do and at the same from the good that you do. Stay focused centered and grounded in Truth, keep the faith and keep doing what is good and right in HIS precious sight. If God is for us who can be against us? (Romans 8) Many blessings today for you, your fiance and the girls.
More trouble. I did not let children go with X N’s new girlfriend (that I want to add is at least 15 years younger than he is he is 38 which is another issue altogether). However, PC is now irritated that my X will not give a reason as to why he can’t even be in the car to pick up the kids. He has requested a meeting with the X, the new girlfriend, me and my two kids. I feel like this could end up badly with two people ganging up on me. I should also say that my X gave his GF my phone number and in a matter of 10 hours she sent me 26 text messages telling me I was a horrible mother and that I was ruining my children. (it took all I had to not tell this girl what I really thought of her). Anyway, does anyone think it okay for my mom to go with me during this meeting as a witness and support because she has been with me through this entire journey. I have a feeling this is not going to end up well for the X and his GF young enough to be his daugther!
I am having significant trouble. My X took me to court for over paying me $2 per week in child support that is $1 per kid. The judge is clearly getting irritated by this situation. We have a PC and he is the first person to actually interview the kids in the four years since we have been fighting. He has noted a few of the issues that the kids have but not all of them. Not the past full week of nightmares from my 5 year old that says I never want to see daddy again he is so mean to me and yells at me constantly. NO ONE WILL HELP MY KIDS! The court system is not set up to handle this type of situation. My X also filed another relocation notice after moving twice in August and is moving again in November. This will be the 6th move (not including the summer they lived in hotels). HOW IS THIS ALLOWED TO GO ON? Now the X is threatening to take the kids from me and be a “stay home dad”, which is pretty funny because my kids don’t stay home anymore and he hasn’t spent more than 150 days with the kids in the past three years. WHAT DO I DO??
I need some advice please. My ex is filing contempt charges against me. The short version, is that he was living four hours away for nearly 3 years and he recently moved back close by with his girlfriend (17) years younger. He is currently under house arrest for two duis and a public nudity charge and is serving 6 days jail time. He is holding me in contempt because he wants to see the kids before an after school. However in the parenting guidelines it states that he could be offered additional parenting time if the kids are being watched by someone other than the parent or a family member. My mom watches the kids while I am at work. Note: he lost his job and is just staying home everyday with his non working 21 year old girlfriend (she left her child four hours away to live with my ex, so you can see the manipulation). He hasn’t had anything to do with the kids school since kindergarten and now he is popping up in the picture. We have a court order that states drop off and pick up spots are to be at a gas station. So I am following the guidelines for parenting time and the court orders. He is asking the judge specifically to punish me! The reason why this is so bad is that the kids are showing signs of emotional damage in the form of panic attacks and night terrors, all after they have spent time with their dad. They are both in therapy and their doctor said if things don’t improve they will both have to start taking anti depressants. It is so sad and I don’t know how to handle. I really want to have the courts order a full pyschological profile on him because he is causing so much turmoil in all of our lives. I am scared of what he is capable of. Any advise would be appreciated.
J-
I am so sorry for what you– and your children– are going through. I personally feel that the Judge will see this for what it is. Its so difficult to give advice– some courts that I’ve heard of are completely corrupt and others (like mine) are just overwhelmed and undereducated on personality disorders. Are the therapists/doctors willing to issue a declaration? Remind me– how old are your children?
My little ones are 8 and 5. My 8 year old had a severe panic attack at school the weekend after he spent thanksgiving with his dad. It took the special ed teacher over 20 minutes to get him to stop crying and I guess all he could say over and over is “you don’t understand”. My daughter 5 is having night terrors, she cries in her sleep and grinds her teeth. She wakes up at night saying Daddy makes me cry he is mean to me are you sure daddy can’t get in our house. There are therapists and doctor’s and school professionals. I have a wonderful attorney, but I am just so scared for these kids. The sad think is that he specifically asked for my to be adequately punished. It is not about the kids, it is about how much he can try to hurt me. Thing is that he can’t, he will only make his kids hate him more and more. I appreciate your kind words, you just never know when you get in that court room. The other thing is I get along with everyone else in my life. I have great friends, great job, great family, I don’t think there is anyone else in this world that hates me except my Ex and his GF.
I am struggling and would love some input…
I have 3 children, ages 1 – 5yo. I would love to leave their narcissistic father, however, I am very concerned about the overall impact doing so would have on the children. He is their hero and they are very connected to him. The older two are beginning to realize that Daddy isn’t always nice or rational, but again, they love him, are quick to forgive, and do whatever they can to please him. While he is narcissistic, I can say he has not been physically abusive nor would either one of us ever have an affair. My husband has assured me that he will “do whatever it takes” to ensure that he has custody of the children and will only provide the bare minimum of financial support required (I can only assume he would hide assets) should I ever think of leaving him — and I fully believe him. He will play as dirty as he possibly can and do what he can to drag me through hell and back. Mediation is NOT an option… you can’t reason with crazy, can you? Having limited resources, I cannot secure a good lawyer to “cut to the chase” or “go for the jugular” and I’ve already been informed that in the state where I live, judges primarily award 50/50 custody in high-conflict cases to avoid getting involved. If it were just me, it would be a no-brainer and I would have cut my losses and left a long time ago. But when I think of my children… that’s a different story. I don’t know what is more damaging, staying or leaving. On the one hand, I feel that if I proceed with a separation/divorce, it’ll become emotional war and the children will become pawns. When they are with him, as so many people have already experienced, they will continue to be subjected to narcissistic tendencies without any protection. Not being there, I will have less ability to intervene and ensure they are taken care of appropriately. I suspect his narcissicism will take on a life of it’s own in light of a divorce and he will become relentless. I will no longer have any control over the situation as I suspect he will be downright resentful, rageful, and vindictive. If we separate, I know he will end their college funds and will offer no additional financial support in any way, shape or form, even if it were to go directly to the kids. It is also guaranteed that I will need to work 2+ jobs just to make ends meet, which means less availability to physically be there for my children. On the other hand, there is the option of staying with him. While not always pleasant, it certainly is doable (albeit so tiring)! That aside, I worry about the effects staying would have — what message will that send to my children? How do I model/teach about healthy relationships so they can make better choices? Also, while I am able to immediately intervene, buffer and counter-balance any potential damage he might be doing right there in the moment, in the end will they resent me for not trying to get them out of the situation? I am so torn on this matter, and I wonder if anyone has any advice for me at all. Thanks for reading…
“How do I model/teach about healthy relationships so they can make better choices?”
By leaving.
“The older two are beginning to realize that Daddy isn’t always nice or rational, but again, they love him, are quick to forgive, and do whatever they can to please him.”
They’re already codependent satellites circling planet NPD…
You say that you’ll no longer have control of the situation if you try to leave? What control? He’s so in control right now that even this post is due to his behaviour & how it’s gotten to you.
The way that you take control is to start making decisions that are in the best interests of you & your children. Don’t even look ahead for trouble- just try to get the support of family & friends to help see you through it. Your babies deserve a happy mom & a healthier life. This reminded me of a quote from Neil Kramer’s “The Unfoldment”:
“Change becomes an ally, not an opponent. It is no longer possible to get lost in the narrative when we ourselves take ownership of its creation.”
One thing you do need to do is to start gathering evidence to support what you say. Evidence against anyone NPD-traited must be indisputable. Keep your method/plans to leave to yourself- if he suspects anything at all, he’ll find a way to get it out of whoever you’re close to.
Check the laws of your state regarding recording someone. Some states do not require the other party’s consent. You could get a good voice recorder & find a way to conceal it- then initiate a discussion and let him sink himself. Most NPD’s verbally assault & threaten rather than write it down.
Regarding your financials- if you’re married with three children, unless you signed a pre-nup, your state should already have the percentage of income that is to be paid for child support. Don’t let him tell you what will happen. He is trying to dupe you. Get things in order now. Start planning. Keep track of your money & assets. He can’t “hide” what you currently hold. Get copies of all account details- maybe download all your statements & then upload them to a secret email account so you have copies of everything outside of the home. Use “private browsing” in Firefox or Google Chrome to do all of this sort of online work, as it won’t be recorded.
Use your head & understand that it will take strategy, attention to detail, & patience…lots of patience. That’s nothing new to you, I’m sure- but fighting obviously is. Leave before you run completely out of steam. Give your kids a mom that’s a fighter for them & for herself.
T
Tina, thank you for speaking up! My horror show was so similar to yours but with a twist: the NPD parent was the MOM (my husband’s ex-wife)and we were locked in battle with her for years as she continually tried to change our 50/50 custody to 4 days/month just so she could get more child support money. A few things saved us and might be helpful to your readers/followers:
- We got our daughter into therapy and the judge required all parents (including step-parents) to meet with the therapist individually. I almost cried when the therapist told us about NPD and that she saw through the mom’s lies. Finally someone believed us!
- We were getting nowhere with the courts (he said/she said), so we hired a forensic accountant and subpoena’d the mom’s tax returns, bank statements, loan applications and business accountings. Finally there was hard evidence of loan fraud and tax evasion and she did NOT want that evidence admitted into court. Our attorney told us that Family Court judges can turn this type of evidence over for criminal prosecution. The mom backed off completely and we retained custody.
It was a financial as well as emotional strain on us for many years. To those fighting the fight: hang in there.
My (step)daughter is now a lovely 18 year old. She sees her mom for exactly who she is and although she still has a relationship with her biological mother, I’m the one she comes to for real parenting and help.
Tina! Thank you for this blog and your book which I just bought. I was just contemplating writing my own memoir on my life with my “N”. I was widowed with two small children. I was just feeling settled in my new life without my first husband and I was happy. Then waltzed in what I thought was an amazing man and now realize how many red flags I missed. We now have a child of our own so we are stuck with him. Learning to set up boundaries and trying to navigate what is right for the two children that are not his needs in relation with spending time with him is more difficult than anything I have had to face. I’m hoping one day it will get easier and not be so painful.
I am so glad i found this website. I have been going through a very similar situation for the past four years. It is tireless and never ending. It is somehow comforting to know others are going through a similar situation.